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Opposites

Our theory of Idealistic Realism sets the tone for viewing how our opposite natures get many of us in situations we daily must face. Now this is only a name, a label, a way of identifying something that may or may not be happening around us. The reader is implored to see how this fits him/her.

The Elements Of Idealistic Realism
There are some basic givens that most of us in this world will accept if not pressed to hard. Let me list these. Remember, we aren't asking anyone to accept anything they can't, but for starters, here are some generally accepted truths:

The world is imperfect.

Man is imperfect.

To err is human.

Man possesses the ability to reason.

Reason is the route to change for the better.

These five truths constitute a very basic reality that all of us must accept at one time or another. Truth can be seen to exist relative to the personal readiness of each of us to decipher the conditions affecting us. That readiness is changed by experiences of the past and present that produce how we see things. The final result is a dynamic illusion one can accept as reality. One does not stand apart from one's reality, but certainly, each of us can use our own decoding skills (if our reality allows that we have any) to better understand our experiences. Those of us that choose only to react to our reality miss many opportunities to re-interpret part of our reality for more productive and meaningful outcomes. With this much in mind, we postulate a few advanced concepts that do require a little more latitude in our thinking.

Learning depends on motivation, readiness, opportunity, and intelligence, among other factors.
Better learning occurs as reasoning improves.
What governs man's actions is perceptual (in our minds).
Man's condition can be manipulated to produce better outcomes.
Analyzing error to improve man's situation is possible.
The source for analyzing man's situation is new learning.
Rational, deliberative thought, not happenstance, produces man's ideals.

There are many factors that affect man's learning and understanding. Beyond his highly evolved intelligence, he has to be at the right place at the right time with the right set or attitude to learn what he must really know. This appears to depend as much on fate or fortune as much as anything else. But man is, by nature, endowed with superior reasoning power and though the cautious and practical exercise of his reasoning can come to determinations not available through any other means. Man's reasoning can only be applied within his perceptual field. Perception, very generally defined here for our purposes, is simply one's mental interpretation of the situation one finds oneself in. We use our primitive senses of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching to get information that our brain can manipulate in ways to make meaning of what we sense. As we have experience with these meanings, we gain a natural improvement in our ability to make increased sense of what we experience. That is the basis of the development of our reasoning power.
Social and psychological science has well shown us that humans have amazing adaptability and flexibility in reasoning. The capacities of the human mind appear almost unlimited when it comes to manipulating thoughts, ideas, tools, and the circumstances for man's own existence. All of this has come through adaptive reasoning and the rational, deliberative, constructive action that has resulted. We can apply this same approach toward a better understanding of the opposites in gender differences.

Gender Differences
One of the most seemingly impossible tasks is for men to understand women and vice versa, even if you don't concede any of the points below. It seems useful to explore some differences and note what their effects and meanings are. Men and women are different, not only the apparent, but in most characteristics. Here is a partial list:

Men seek power, women seek comfort.
Men are dominance oriented, women are submissive.
Men are controllers, women relinquish control to men.
Men thrive on struggle, women desire ease in relationships.
Men are adapted to providing, women to arranging.
Men are change oriented, women are stability oriented.
Men rely on strength, women rely on endurance.
Men use statistical (probability)strategy, women use clinical (one person view)strategy.

Everyone won't agree on all of the above statements and none apply in every instance. No list of statements will classify the specific traits of any gender to everyone's satisfaction. Individual differences vary greatly and challenge our efforts to place boundaries on these specific tendencies. None of the terms used have been defined or clarified here and reference to our original work is suggested if so desired.

The Basis of Gender Conflict
Men and women have shown a tremendous propensity to get into verbal conflicts that escalate emotionally and physically out of control. Maybe this is related to their physical or psychological differences, maybe it is related to the transactional nature of their relationships, maybe it is something else entirely. Regardless, by continuing an examination of what might be happening here, we can get a better grasp of how we might approach the seemingly, almost impossible task of restoring sanity and security within desired personal interactions of all kinds, particularly with our loved ones.
In addition to the list above, the love needs of men and women are different and only through conceptualizing these differences and learning how to relate to these differences, will more satisfactory relationships emerge. The extent of commitment in a relationship is very much related to gender differences. The interactors in a relationship have to come to terms with this. No one outside of that interaction can set any standards. The basis for success with this resides totally within the party making the commitment. It might be a shared endeavor and dependent on a lot of external happenings, but after all is said and done, only one person can make a commitment for oneself. And, of course, it is totally within self to withdraw or modify that commitment. Relinquishing or obtaining control, is a special part of the element of commitment in a relationship. Commitment, itself, is a degree of relinquishing control.
As to another essential element, trust, we make an unequivocal statement: Without firm trust bonds, an effective relationship is doomed. A challenge to one's integrity is one of the most imposing problems in relationships, particularly with children. Building trust and maintaining trust is extremely difficult. Only if trust is reciprocally extended and worked through via the eight essential points concerning good relationship communication which is reviewed in our WORDS page, can this obstacle be reduced to acceptable proportions.

Basic Components Of A Self Sustaining Relationship
The characteristics of a relationship are relatively proscribed by the persons constituting the relationship but have some universally recognized bases. We list the components we see as necessary and add a dimension that imparts a self sustaining theme, i. e., relationships formed decisively and intended to continue rather permanently as contrasted to those that begin and end rather spontaneously and abruptly. The more effective of these kind of relationships are judged to have the following characteristics. They:

are composed of two or more persons (one could be your internal person) engaged in a shared encounter in which each acknowledges some affection and care for the other.
move toward shared gains through reality bonding, appropriate communication, and observance of individual rights.
include a determination by each party regarding emotional support, independency/dependency acceptance, and increased human satisfactions.
consist of a willingness shown by both persons to extend oneself for the benefit of the other and to establish a trust and love agreement.
constitute an agreement as to the charter of the relationship and an understanding of the need for common goals.
give regard to an understanding of the need for individual self expression and how these needs fit into the relationship framework.

Yes, we know what you are thinking. If we each had to think of all of this, there would be few relationships to fit the definition. But it is really simpler than you think. Social learning occurs gradually and usually respects the situation. Most of us have already experienced what is involved in these kinds of relationships because most of it comes rather naturally. The above points are presented to help provide a base groundwork for neutralizing major problems. We will continue to discuss some of these characteristics as we plod forward. It won't get easier but maybe more meaningful. With the above in mind, regardless of your personal agreement or disagreement with the concepts presented at this point, you might want to explore some of our related ideas on our VALUES page.

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