ATTITUDES
It has become almost routine, even essential, to view selfishness as bad and unselfishness as good. The classical picture of the selfish person describes him as arrogant, self centered, egotistical, all important and powerful in his own esteem, and unconcerned about the needs of others. Indeed, this certainly suggests that selfishness is not a desired trait. Yet, such terms as these represent only a caricature of a person who has not come to terms with those things of which his selfish needs consist. He is merely arrogant and defensive and has not yet begun to understand selfishness. He is in the unfortunate position of being unaware of how to accept his selfishness or how to interpret and direct it. Acting certain ways reflect components of what we call attitude. Understanding selfishness as a prime human motive might clarify our ideas and perhaps our attitudes on selfishness.
Redefining selfishness
Our selfish needs are the entire understatement for all we do. Maybe you think you do some things only for another; giving someone a ride, loaning money, exchanging gifts, or extending other favors often suggest an unselfish (selfless) motive. But look behind this. Does the giver get anything out of it? Sometimes our own profit is not easily seen. Sometimes, our gratification rests in our "pre-conscious" just on the verge of being conscious to us. It takes a few moments of direct and critical mental examination to see the value of some of these actions for ourselves. Think of something you gave someone, some special turn made solely on the behalf of another, or some omission or neglect of your apparent benefit to provide something for a loved one, friend, or acquaintance. At the time, you probably did not consider it selfish or unselfish, just an act. But, wasn't there some felt gain for you? Not the gain of having someone owe you, but a gain of personal satisfaction. Didn't you feel you received something in the way of becoming more of a real person in your own right. Wasn't there a twinge of emotional satisfaction of having reached out? In the process, didn't you become more valuable to yourself? Questions for consideration.
By doing for others, we always do something for ourselves, and by these efforts, these very human and needful efforts, each of us gains immeasurably. When we purposively do for others, we simply manifest and enhance our own humanness in the most satisfactory way possible. We achieve our highest selfhood. We are doing this for ourselves, hence, satisfying our base selfish motives.
On the other hand, if we purposively act to benefit only ourselves, we most strongly act against our strongest human interests. We struggle to convince ourselves that we deserve better than the next person. We excuse our behavior by stating that there was no other way to act. All the time, meanwhile, we fight within ourselves trying to understand why we don't feel more human, more real. This struggle itself becomes the motive, the reason, for more unnatural denial of self. Denial of self, then, is the only real selfishness we possess. We don't deny others in the traditional sense of "selfishness", we deny ourselves. Whom do we have to answer to concerning this?
The basis for attitudes
Our attitudes are shaped by our selfish interests. Most of us, maybe all of us, at one time or the other, have had to face the fact of our selfishness. Actually, the fact is, almost all of our behavior results from our selfish motives. Our selfish needs are the underlying force for about everything we do. There are really only two basic reasons we do anything; for ourselves or someone else. When one does something for oneself, doesn't that have a selfish motive? But that's okay. One should not be deprived of trying to meet one's own needs, should one? Maybe you think you do things unselfishly for others. But, looking at that, don't we do things because of what we get out of it? Looking critically at one's attitude, although we rarely do, it can usually be seen that some selfish purpose is affecting both the manifestation of the attitude and the perception of the nature of the attitude. By that we mean, one's attitude and how others view one's actions respecting what is considered the person's attitude. It might take a few moments of direct and critical circum-introspection, that is, looking all around one's inner thoughts to see that attitude is a result of how selfish needs are viewed and met.
Rarely is it necessary to see people as selfish, except in relation to their own best needs and interests. Our attitude might be one of compassion. People are not selfish towards us when they do not reach out. They are not acting selfishly when they reject our reaching out. It is easier to see them as simply denying themselves what they need most desperately, yet, do not understand this or do not know how to manifest this. Paradoxically, only through accepting our selfish side, can we gain a perspective that improves our judgement of the attitudes of others, and vice-versa.
Gaining a better view of what influences the attitude of others can go a long way in knowing what meets their needs (satisfies their selfishness) resulting in more comfort, less stress, being more at peace with others we love, and having more solid feelings of integrity, truthfulness, and personal worth. We are going to be free of many of the pressures that come from the disharmony others have with themselves and want to share with us. We are going see a better side of life, take easier advantage of fortuitous opportunities that occur, and forge our own keys to the existence we choose. To follow our track, if you choose, simply look next at our Problems page.
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