Discourse to the Dead
Chapter V
Doubting and Reason
I fear the unknown.
Above all, I fear the unknown voice and the unknown future. What a scary thought
it is, when I come to think that I will think no more. And the frightful thought
of becoming something I know not (and above all, unconscious of) is even more
unbearable.
I fear all the possible things that
can and may happen. I wish time will not move on, and all things remain
constant. So this is it! Time! Time is the origin of fear. I fear nothing other
than time itself, the element of constancy and change. Fear of losing something,
fear of uncertainty, fear of a change of state... all these are prescribed under
time itself. But what can I do with it? I am a subject of time, and I certainly
cannot master its torrents.
Time claims dominion over the past, the present, and the future. But does it
really do? What has happened in the past had happened, and no power can change
it. It is through certitude that the past entails no fear. No, not even the most
horrific past: no storm, once passed, can induce the fear of an impending doom;
nor can any catastrophe extend its grasp of horror once it has struck. Then the
present lingers. It is a bane. It wearies; it stresses. But that surely entails
no fear. It is, then it induces no fear. It is the future that we fear, and yet
it is the future that all past and present are destined for.
Interesting. Since I do fear, and that fear exists under the domain of time,
then one thing is certain: this is not a still void. There is at least one thing
in motion other than my thinking mind: time. But if I can only deduce the motion
of time by the existence of fear, then, does it not imply that if I do not fear
or if I do not exist, all that is is nothing but a still void?
Silently He speaks again. And I fear him. He moves. Is this not enough to tell
that time exists? For it is in time, that tormenting during of fear, that I am
certain of my presence. And it is through fear of the moving Him that I acquire
certainty of the time and space that I exist under. I know not what He is. He is
not I; he is not an illusion. He is not time or space; he is not fear itself.
For it is through him that I acquire all these concepts. I know not what, but I
will face Him, else I cease to think and cease to exist.