THE CHOIRLOFT
Where all the boys and girls come to play!
Life is a celebration of itself, and laughter the music of our hearts!
Make a lot of music!
DID YOU KNOW THAT...
- Coca-Cola was originally green.
- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
- It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
- Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden
retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
- Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
- Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
- Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
- Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
- Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
- Average number of days a West German goes without washing his
underwear: 7 DAYS
- Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
- Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
- Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World:
70%
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The youngest pope was 11 years old.
- First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
- Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
- There are coffee flavored PEZ?
- The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
- When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.
- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the
Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
- Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted
people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence
the expression "to get "fired."
- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
- Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
- The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
- The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
- Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
- If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.
- The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.(I have been informed by an anonymous source that punch rhymes with month as a rhyme doesn't have to be the same consonants...that would be consonance..
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"
- The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokawenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
- Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider
hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
- A whale's penis is called a dork.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
- Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
- 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
- To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
- Reindeer like to eat bananas.
- The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
- Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
- The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
- More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
- A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
- Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall for the
first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back
together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?" The
father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While
the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up
again, and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father moved
his black hat back on his head, then said to his son, "Go get your
mother."
Strange Sex Laws
- In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
- In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of
beer while lying in bed with his wife.
- In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
- A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a
saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds,
two ounces.
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out
they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to
control them. Hearing about a Rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent
boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the Rabbi
to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the Rabbi and
made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger
boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the Rabbi.
The Rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about
five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the
Rabbi
pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around,
then said nothing. Again, louder, the Rabbi pointed at the boy and
asked,
"Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the Rabbi leaned far across
the
desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young
man, I ask you, where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way
home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and
into
the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally
said,
"We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble." The older boy asked, "What do
you mean, 'BIG trouble?'" His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're
in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"
THE TOP 15 CHINESE TRANSLATIONS OF ENGLISH MOVIE TITLES
15. "Pretty Woman" -- "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
14. "Face/Off" -- "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
13. "Leaving Las Vegas" -- "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
12. "Interview With The Vampire" -- "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
11. "The Piano" -- "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
10. "My Best Friend's Wedding" -- "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is
Gay!"
9. "George of the Jungle" -- "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"
8. "Scent of a Woman" -- "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
7. "Love, Valour, Compassion!" -- "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
6. "Babe" -- "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves
Agricultural Problems"
5. "Twister" -- "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
4. "Field of Dreams" -- "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
3. "Barb Wire" -- "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
2. "Batman & Robin" -- "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber
Codpiece, Cute Boy"
1. "The Crying Game" -- "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is
Why we're not here.
So leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly
the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no,
his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must
leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. ---Now you say something."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From a Japanese guy in Toronto.) He-lo! This
is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave
*sexy* message, I call sooner!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd
like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up
to the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub.
Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock
market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is
one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still
with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my
owner will think about returning your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you
back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. I like
doing it up and down, and Sonya likes doing it left to right...real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you."
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked
why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one
that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth
move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
The shortest poem:
Adam had 'em
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age.... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Many thanks to all of the wonderful friends who keep me on their mailing lists despite the fact that I never answer. Let this be proof that I do, indeed, enjoy your messages -- keep 'em coming!