Warning! The Department of Mental Wellness has examined
the following science-fictional song parodies and rated them
as Ouch Very Silly Indeed. Please be advised that prolonged
exposure to such ridiculous material may induce severe neural
trauma and can cause outbreaks of Acute Silliness In Public.
Proceed at own risk.

• Microsoft World
• Long Way Home (The Ballad of the Mary Jean)
• Red Planet Blues
• My Bonnie Lies Over The Wormhole
• Holodeck Writer
• Stormtrooper Anthem
• All I Wanna Do (Is Load My Gun)
• Alderaan
• One Hand On My Blaster (Leia's Theme)
• Hard Day's Flight
• Back On Dagobah
• (Take Me To The) Emperor's Throne On Endor

I see desktops blue
Mouse cursors white
And files all askew
In the deep dead of night
And I think to myself
It's a Microsoft world

I see dialogs green
And errors red
I hear bone-chilling screams
And words best unsaid
And I think to myself
It's a Microsoft world

The colours of the hologram
So pretty on the pack
Are all over my monitor
But I want my cursor back

I see friends wringing hands
Saying What can I do
They're really saying,
We're All Doomed

I see networks vast
Across the globe
With hardware so fast
But software so slow
And I shudder and say
It's a Microsoft world

I see software crash
And cities burn
As our world turns to ash
Someone'll learn
Not to push the wrong key
In a Microsoft world

And I sing to myself
It's a Microsoft world

Have you heard the ballad of the Mary Jean
Broke Earth orbit back in '17
Checked outsystem fast and clean
And the stars shone down

Fifteen parsecs give or take
Past Alpha Cent without a break
Two thousand colonists cold awake
And the stars shone down

Sing hey, sing ho,
for the Mary Jean
for the Mary Jean
it's a long way home

Sing hey, sing ho,
for the Mary Jean
for the Mary Jean
took the long way home

She missed a check in '23
Lost all uplink telemetry
Mary Jean went flying free
And the stars shone down

Going sublight all the way
Out among the stars at play
Mary she was home to stay
And the stars shone down

Sing hey...

Luna burned and Stations blew
Mars rebelled and Earth withdrew
Lost the war of '92
And the stars shone down

Out on icy Ganymede
They harnessed singularity
Called the test rig Mary Jean
And the stars shone down

Sing hey...

The FTLs went system-wide
Caught the sublights in their stride
Sleepers said their lullabyes And
the stars shone down

A century by the dead man's clock
Phantom ship come in to dock
Boarders walked the decks in shock
And the stars shone down

Sing hey...

The Mary she was home at last
Cryos sealed and QA passed
But the crew had vanished from the glass
And the stars shone down

Now spacers on the outer lanes
Only whisper Mary's name
Until her crew comes home again
All the stars shine down

Sing hey...

Well I stepped out of the lander back in '23
Back when red dust and regolith was all you could see
And I drove out in my rover
took some pictures for the nine o'clock news
And I thought that it was over
but man I got the Red Planet Blues

Well I wake up in the morning and I see the dawn
It reminds me of the sunlight on Olympus Mons
And it's chilly in the evening
but I'm so used to seein' two moons
And the frost is hard to breathe in
but too bad, now I got the Red Planet Blues

The Red Planet Blues
I got those Red Planet Blues
I can fight it all I want
but in the end it ain't no use

The Red Planet Blues
Yeah got those Red Planet Blues
just came for a visit
I never thought I'd lose my heart
I shoulda known it from the start
I got the Red Planet Blues

Well they're building domes in mesas
with a canyon view
And they're melting all the permafrost
got lichens too
And I hear the dust storms blowing
and they're singing old familiar tunes
Guess there's just no way of knowing
when you'll get those big bad Red Planet Blues

The Red Planet Blues
You'll get those Red Planet Blues
You can fight it all you want
But in the end it ain't no use

The Red Planet Blues
Yeah, kid, you'll get those Red Planet Blues
so don't come for a visit
Unless you want to lose your heart
You oughta know right from the very start
You'll get those Red Planet Blues

Now I got myself a mesa
with a canyon view
And I watch Phobos setting
see Deimos too
Yeah the temperature's rising
and they're filterin' out the CO2
See a ship on the horizon
More colonists arrivin'
'Cos, hey look man, we all got the Red Planet Blues

The Red Planet Blues
We got those Red Planet Blues
We can fight it all we want
But in the end it ain't no use

The Red Planet Blues
We got those nasty ol' Red Planet Blues
just came for a visit
we never thought we'd lose our hearts
but now we're all just fools for Mars
We got those Red Planet Blues

Those Red Planet Blues
Red Planet Blues
Oh yeah baby
Blues for
Mars

My Bonnie lies over the wormhole
Orbiting strange galaxies
My Bonnie lies over the wormhole
Oh bring back my Bonnie to me!

My hyperdrive blew up last Friday
And Jabba the Hutt stole my droid
The Klingons are hot on my tail
And my girlfriend's adrift in the void

My Bonnie, etc

A chestburster's loose in the air duct
Locutus of Borg says hello
Darth Vader just dropped in for coffee
And I can't make my hyperdrive go

My Bonnie, etc

Cardassians have tortured my Tribbles
My chess game just learned how to think
There's a core breach in Cargo Bay Seven
And the hyperdrive's still on the blink

My Bonnie, etc

My co-pilot's frozen in carbonite
The hyperdrive's frozen in time
The holodeck's gone on a rampage
And Q's playing games with my mind

My Bonnie, etc

Somewhere in the wide starry yonder
Somewhere there's a planet for me
But the Empire's rebuilding the Death Star
And we're all out of hot Earl Grey tea

My Bonnie lies over the wormhole
Orbiting strange galaxies
My Bonnie lies over the wormhole
Oh bring back my Bonnie to me!

Dear Sir or Captain, will you run my tape
Took me years to write, I need to syndicate
It's based on a lecture by a man named Kirk
And I need the work 'cause I want to be a
Holodeck Writer
Holodeck Wri-ter

It's a flaky story 'bout a Maquis man
And his Klingon wife doesn't understand
Their son's ambassador for deep space blobs
It's a steady job but he wants to be a
Holodeck Writer
Holodeck Wri-ter

She's a thousand g-bytes, and the AI's new
She'll be sentient in a week or two
You can teach her train her you can let her vote
Just don't tell her I wrote her or she'll want to be a
Holodeck Writer
Holodeck Wriiiiiiter!

Evacuate?
In our moment of triumph?
I think you overestimate their chances!

From Darth Vader's Star Destroyer
To the sands of Tattooine
We will fight the Emperor's battles
In our shiny war machines
With our white ceramic armour
And our laser rifles too
We're a sight to make men tremble
It's a pity we can't shoot

Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!
Yes, my Lord.
You have failed me for the last time!
Yes, my Lord.

When the Rebels get in trouble
We'll be there to make their day
With a warm Imperial welcome
As we blow them all away
We'll march right into a firefight
Cause we're all such macho guys
That we couldn't spot a Jedi Knight
Till he stares us in the eyes

These are not the droids you're looking for.
These are not the droids we're looking for.
We can go about our business.
You can go about your business.
Move along.
Move along. Move along.

In our gleaming black TIE fighters
We will swat those Rebel gnats
Though we haven't yet hit anything
That we've been aiming at
We're the finest of the Navy
We're the cream of Space Marines
And we proudly hail the Emperor
As we're blown to smithereens

Yaaaaah! --Splat.
It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here.
He is as clumsy as he is stupid.
Roger that.

From the forest moon of Endor
To the Death Star's thermal vent
We'll exterminate the Rebels
When we see which way they went
We're the Emperor's private army
And we're having so much fun
'Cause we've got ceramic armour
And we've all got great big guns

Yes we've got ceramic armour
And we're having so - much - fun!

You may fire when ready.
Stand by.

BOOOOOOM!

What was that?
Ah, it was nothing. Outgassing. Don't worry about it.

"All I wanna do is make a little cash before I die"
Says an alien next to me out of nowhere
Apropos of nothing; he says his name is Da'an
But I'm sure he's Zil
Or Phleebo, Xax, or Qxtrybtk

And he's plain ugly to me
And I wonder if he's ever had
A breath of oxygen in his whole life
We're drinking synth at noon on a Tuesday
In a bar that faces a giant docking bay

The good people of this world are
Prepping their ships for their launch slots
Fuelling and checking as best they can in masks and suits
They fly their shiny Incoms and YTs
Back to Alderaan, or Yavin's fourth moon,
Well, they're nothing like Greedo and me

'Cos all I wanna do is load my gun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is load my gun
Till the sun goes out over Tattooine Boulevard

I like a good stim buzz early in the morning
And Greedo likes to peel the labels
From his disruptor packs; he shreds them on the bar
Then he tests each cartridge in an oversized glove
Letting each one glow through to his
Green fingers before cursing and hotwiring it out
And he's watching an astromech droid as it spins on the floor

A young Jedi enters the bar
Dangerously close to heroism
The bartender looks up from his hologram

But all I wanna do is load my gun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is load my gun
Till the sun goes out over Tattooine Boulevard

Otherwise the bar is ours
The band and the fights and the docking bay too
The sabers and the Force and the neatly severed arm
And hey, that's no moon

But all I want to do is load my gun
And I got a feeling the party's just begun
All I want to do is load my gun
I won't hit you if you're the lucky one
All I want to do is load my gun
Until the sun goes out over Tattooine Boulevard

Alderaan
Died the day our troubles first began
But we found a place to make our stand
Oh I believe
In Alderaan

Suddenly
Life's not half the fun it used to be
There's a shadow in the galaxy
Oh Alderaan
Died suddenly

Why she had to go
I don't know
Don't understand
Beneath a broken sky
Still I cry
For Alderaan

Alderaan
Shall not go into the night in vain
There will come a day she shines again
And I believe
In Alderaan

I'm young and a Princess
I pout but I've got a gun
My hairdo's way out there, yeah
I'm scared and I'm angry
I'm here but I'm really gone
My world just exploded, yeah

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite all right
Cause I got one hand on my blaster
And the other one is coding an R2 droid

I'm smart and I'm pretty
I scream and I'm really loud
I'm stuck in Detention, yeah
I'm cold but I'm loving
I'm brave but I'm bantha spit
I like garbage mashers, yeah

And what it all comes down to
Is that someone's gotta get us out of this mess
Cause I got one hand on my blaster
And the other one is punching a Stormtrooper

I'm sweet and I'm restless
I care but I'm much too proud
I wish Han would kiss me, yeah
I'm cute but I'm In Charge
I'm cool when I'm under fire
It's scoundrels that bug me, yeah

But what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
But I got one hand on my blaster
And the other one is strangling Lando

I'm wise but I'm reckless
I'm trapped but I've got a bomb
I'm not Jabba's slave girl, yeah
I'm friendly with Ewoks
I shoot and I don't miss twice
Love Luke, he's my brother, yeah

So what it all comes down to my friend
Is that everything's gonna be quite okay
Cause I got one hand on my blaster
And the other one is blowing a Death Star
Yeah I got one hand on my blaster
And the other one is hailing a shuttlecraft

It's been a hard day's flight
and I've been working like a droid
It's been a hard day's flight
and I'm feeling quite annoyed
First the Imperials hailed
Then our hyperdrive failed
And now we're stuck sub-light

It's been a hard day's flight
and Darth Vader is a pain
It's been a hard day's flight
and Jabba's on my case again
I think you know how I felt
In that asteroid belt
But we got through all right

Dodging TIEs
Isn't what I signed up for
What am I
Doing in your stupid war?

It's been a hard day's flight
since those icy days on Hoth
It's been a hard day's flight
and your robot turns me off
But when we get to Bespin
A friend will take us in
- at least, I think he might

It's been a hard day's flight
now we're in trouble, big surprise
It's been a hard day's flight
and don't you hate these sad goodbyes
But if we get out of this
Perhaps you'll give me a kiss
Before they freeze me tight

And if we get out of this
Promise you'll give me a kiss
Until that long goodnight

Flew in from Mos Eisley with my hand half shot
Blew up Jabba's hut last night
All the way my hyperdrive was running hot
Man I had a dreadful flight

I'm back on Dagobah
Don't know how lucky you are, boy
Back on Dagobah

Been away so long I hardly know the swamp
Gee it's good to be back home
Leave it till tomorrow to get nice and damp
Yoda don't you die alone

I'm back on Dagobah, etc

Well Tattooine's all very fine
And Hoth is cool by me
At Alderaan we had a smashing time
But kneedeep in the slime is still the place for this young Jedi-to-be

Yoda won't you tell me why you never said
Why my Daddy wears a mask
Ben Kenobi told me Anakin was dead
Guess I never thought to ask

I'm back on Dagobah

Well Tattooine's all very fine, etc

Flying out to Endor and it's all gone wrong
Don't think I can take no more
I just kissed my sister and she turned me on
Man I hate this dreadful war

I'm back on Dagobah
You don't know how lucky you are, boys
Back on Dago, back here on Dago
Back on Dagobah!

I'm tired of this Jedi life
Rebels on the run
Leia tells me I should stay
But she ain't Darth Vader's son
So don't try to hold me back
Ain't nothing you can say
I got a ticket to paradise
And I got to go today

Take me to the Emperor's throne on Endor, oh-oh
Take me where the Emperor's gonna treat me so right
So right

I can almost smell the firefights
And see the burning skies
Wish you're coming with me baby
Cause right before my eyes
Vader in a docking bay
Talking 'bout Death Star love
Talking 'bout the Galaxy
And how we'll split it up

Take me, etc

I'm tired of these lonely nights
Living' on the run
Ewoks on speeder bikes
Are having lots of fun
Oh we could stick it out
And hide our souls away
But I got a ticket to Palpatine's
And I got to go today