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OK, lets giggle....
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Charles is getting married on Saturday.
Friday night, his friends take him out and get him
way-laid, by-laid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, left, right, bing! bang! boom!
Forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess and he doesn't know what to do.
He takes two popsicle sticks,
Puts them alongside his dick,
and wraps it with adhesive tape.
The next day he gets married,
and here they are in their honeymoon suite.
She walks out stark naked,
and says, "honey. Look, Untouched by human hands."
He has to think quick...
So he pulls down his pants and says,
"Look, HA, not even out of the crate!"
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Thomas says to his wife,
"How about a quickie?"
She says,
"As opposed to WHAT?"
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A lady catches her kid jerking off.
She says, "Son, don't do that. Save it til your 21."
By the time he was 21, he had 9 jars.
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
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A person is drowning, so a lifeguard swims out, drags him in,
puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping his arms.
Water starts spurting out of the victim's mouth.
The life guard keeps pumping his arms,
and out comes fish... and clams... and seaweed...
Jenny comes walking along and says,
"Hey, you better get his asshole out of the water,
you're gonna empty the ocean."
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An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accept that as proof, and give him his first check.
He went home to his wife,
showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened.
She replied, "Well get back down there,
pull down your pants,
and see if you can also get DISABILITY!"
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Is God Black Or White?
Two lifelong friends had a running argument.
The black friend would argue that God was black,
and the white friend would disagree and say that God was white.
One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back,
they were still arguing about whether or not God was black or white.
Before they knew it, they where in an accident,
and they found themselves in heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates.
Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or white?"
St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and
God would come out and talk to them about it.
While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether
God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps coming.
They turned around as the door swung open and in stepped in
God in His grandest toga.
They looked to Him expectantly,
Waiting for his answer to their long running argument.
"Ni Hao Ma!"
*note: for those of you who didn't get the punchline,
"Ni Hao Ma!" is CHINESE(Mandarin) for "How Are You"
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Dead For Two Weeks
A man goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor I think my wife's been dead for two weeks. "The Doctor says, "Wow, dead for two weeks, how come it took you so long to notice and what gave it away ?
"The man replies, "Well, the sex is the same,
but then I noticed the laundry and dirty dishes
were starting to pile up!"
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What do...blank...and...blank...have in common?
What do anniversaries, a toilet and a clitoris all have in common?
Men miss them.
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Magic Sex Pills
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband
never wanted sex anymore.
He gave her a bottle of pills,
telling her to put them in her husband's drink
and the husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt,
but she put one pill in his coffee that evening.
That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee,
and that night the sex was ecstatic.
The next day, she said, "WHAT THE HELL!"
and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress.
The woman's son answered the phone.
When the doctor asked how everyone was doing,
the boy replied,
"Mom's dead,
Sis left home,
the maid's pregnant,
my ass hurts,
and Dad is buck-naked on the front lawn
yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty!!"
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Pinocchio's Splinters
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later,
Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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Frequently Asked Questions:
For Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
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Every Man's Fantasy
In case you missed this in the newspapers, a few months ago there was a terrible shipwreck in which everyone died except 2 individuals One average chap named "George" and supermodel Cindy Crawford.
They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.
After few weeks with no rescues in site, nature began to
take its course and they started to make love.
Actually, they started to make love quite frequently,
as there is not a lot to do on a desert island - no CNN & etc.
It's just eat fruit or screw.
Now again, after a couple of weeks of making love,
Cindy asks George with that famous beaming smile,
"Is there anything, you know,
extra special that I can do for you George?"
After reflecting for a moment George replies,
"Yes Cindy, as a matter of fact there is.
Would you mind putting on my shirt."
Cindy, always obliging, replies "Sure".
She proceeds to button up his shirt.
"That's great" says George,
"Now could you put on my pants?"
"Okay" Cindy says, looking a little puzzled, but complying.
"Right" George says "Now my tie and put this
baseball cap on and tuck all your hair underneath".
"If you say so." Cindy says looking even more bewildered.
After she finishes with his requests she is standing there
getting impatient and tapping her foot.
"Well, what do you want me to do now?" she demands.
George walks up to her and whispers in her ear,
"Just between you and me buddy
I'm screwing Cindy Crawford."
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Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession.
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of
Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then
the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also
says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do
that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore,
Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he
ays, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go
to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
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Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
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Once, I wept for I had no shoes.
Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes.
I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
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One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
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Before you start crabbing about your job, or final exams, or whatever.....
READ THIS:
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this????
Just think -
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.
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Want Some More?
"Back To The Fort!"