Previous Journies:

My Luv

Starting the journey is half the battle!
—Jill Sattler

All my life all I ever wanted was a family.

To be loved, to know love.
To encompass love in all its glory.

While other little girls had dreams of there own, I wanted to be a Mother most of all. To care for someone so innocent. So new to this world. Never could I have known the hardships to follow.

I thought I knew love. I thought I had experienced what love could be. He was ever so handsome. Tall dark features. A beautiful smile. So different from the many I have liked before. More importantly he was the first to ever respond to me. To like me back.
We fought constantly. Yet still I yearned to please him. To make him happy. To want so badly to be apart of his life, to know his soul. To love him more completely than any ever before him.

To be one with him and spend the rest of my life loving only him. Fate had other plans in store.

I ignored the warnings. Put my life in jeopardy. Knowing the timing, the place was not right. I sensed it, felt it KNEW it beyond any other thing. We broke up, got back together. At least a dozen times. But the real truth was in our last journey together.

He broke our engagement not to mention my heart. He knew not what love meant to me. Nor to himself. His passions kept him going. He was my only…while I was one of many. We finally wed and I thought my soul would burst with excitement.

3 months later it did. We were pregnant and having a child. I knew it was to be a girl.

That final day came… He was a knight in that hospital room. Rubbing my back, making sure I was comforted. I thought, maybe this is it. Maybe he will see what I have been trying to tell him. Maybe he will witness the miracle of love and all that it stands for.

The doctor laid her in my arms and I wept. For never had I seen a more beautiful sight than her little face looking up at me.

I thought I saw it in his eyes… I thought I saw his soul awaken.

Never did I think you could be married and also be a single mother. He would leave so early in the morning… and return so late at night.

I would pray no CRY OUT! To god… WHY???? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS??? I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE IT WORK!!!

And still I could not hear his voice. That still small voice in the back of my mind saying to me, it wasn't suppose to be. It was never supposed to be forever with him.

The pains of my labor were nothing compared to the torment my soul took after they left my memory. A year and a week after our marriage we parted our ways. Still left with this emptiness inside of me. All those years of work, trying so hard to make it happen.

I would lay awake at night hoping, wanting so badly for him to call me. To ask me to come back. To tell me he was so sorry that he loved me so much and he wanted us to be a family forever… Instead he brought me the papers to finalize it all.

I was so numb. So angry at God for what happened. I was even angry at her… Pushing him out of my life. I knew it wasn't true, but I did not know how to sort my feelings.

She came to me, kissed my cheek…and I knew she was the reason for it all. The only reason for it all.

My soul yearned still for that touch, that love to encompass me.

And then he came… His long hair blowing in the wind. His leather boots worn from path he had chosen to take. I felt like a peasant girl watching eagerly as her prince charming swept her off her feet and into an enchanted world. He loved me more passionately than I ever knew a person could love. Accepted me more than anyone could ever have accepted me. Most importantly he accepted her.

He loved her more than any other could love her. I sat and watched. Wondering what will happen with the other. The real father in her life. Will he see this as a threat and contribute? Or as a scapegoat and slink away. I hoped… with all my might and power, I hoped and prayed he would take action. Be the dad she needed. With every slither my dream faded. I am left now to wonder…

How can one not born of your own blood be so precious to you. How can one be so cold as to cast aside the feelings of those in his blood line. I don't know if one can be born without a soul. Is your conscious the gateway to your soul? When you lose your consciousness do you lose your soul? Does it end? What happens from here I know not. Only that I have a beautiful daughter and a father who loves her.

I sit here, feeling the pain inside of me, wishing every time I walk to the mailbox there is something there for her from him. Hoping that every time the phone rings its him wanting to talk to her. To hear her precious voice. I wait, hoping, praying… All the while knowing he will not be the one for her. And I thank God with all of my being, that he gave her someone. Someone to hold her. To keep her close to his heart and to always look out for her.

What do I do? How do I go on? I always said I would let her know him. Know him for who he is. But what about the pain? I know he will hurt her.

Eventually… he will hurt her… We have been taking miles away from him. And still he hurts her… I am left with a question… Do I take her from him, and not allow her the truth? Or allow her to see him and be hurt. This I know not. I only hope she realizes whatever I do, I do for her.