Some Actual Signs...

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully: we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non- smoking area. "If we see you smoking: we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door: "Everyone on these premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealer shop: "The best way to get back on your feet - Miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one has just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At an electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a beauty shop: "Dye now!."
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got" (Burglars please copy).
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."
Sign in a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
Sign in a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken."
In an office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, stoves etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"
Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor."
Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
Sign on a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)."
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."