"Dorothy!" Relena ran after her most devoted follower. "Wait up!" Dorothy stopped and turned to look at her.
"Hai, Relena-sama?" she asked cheerfully.
"I'm having a party this weekend, and I want to invite you."
"Oh, Relena-sama! I would be--"
"And I want you to help me with the invitations."
"Oh, definitely, Relena-sama! I'd love to!" As they sat making out invitations (glad I said "invitations," right?)--Relena writing them, and Dorothy addressing envelopes--Dorothy looked at the next name on the list of invitees: Yuy Heero.
"You're inviting Yuy?!" she said incredulously.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?" Relena asked innocently.
"He tried to kill you--several times!"
"Oh, that's just a thing we have. I'm inviting all those nice Gundam boys--except for that Duo boy . . ." Relena's eyes squinted, she faintly heard Dorothy saying her name. Yes, Duo, I know all about you . . . your hopes and desires; you are a formidable opponent. We two are very similar; perhaps under different circumstances we might have been friends. But I WILL prevail! I will crush you like the--
"Relena!" Relena snapped back into reality.
"Huh? Oh, sorry . . ." I will crush you like the bug you are! He will be mine!
"Relena!"
"Sorry . . ." Dorothy went back to addressing envelopes. She glanced up to see if Relena was looking. She wasn't so Dorothy tossed Heero's invitation into the trash. She smiled to herself. The smile grew and she began wobbling her head in a cocky manner. The smile and wobbling grew, and soon Dorothy's excessive movement caught Relena's eye. "What are you doing?"
"Uh, uh . . . neck exercises . . !" With the invitations all finished, Dorothy grabbed her school bag and left. Relena went to see her brother. He was in his room packing.
"Zechs, are you going in to work tomorrow before you leave?"
"Yeah, I have to pick up a few things. Why?"
"Could you deliver these?" She handed him the invitations for the Gundam boys.
"Sure." He looked at the names on the cards. "Wait a minute--you're inviting boys? These boys? Are you sure you won't need a chaperone?"
"Zechs! Nothing will happen," Zechs looked at her.
"Even so . . . I'm going to ask Lieutenant Noin and Colonel Une to make sure things don't get out of hand."
"Oh, not Lady Une! Noin's okay, but Lady Une's got a bug so far up her ass that--"
"Where do you learn language like that?"
"Well that's what you said about her yesterday . . !" Zechs looked puzzled.
"I did? Oh yeah," Relena rolled her eyes.
"Just don't forget." The next day, Zechs caught up with the pilots during lunch.
"Hey, guys. Relena wanted me to give these to you," the boys froze. "Okay, what do we have here . . . WuFei, . . . Trowa, . . . Quatre." He handed the invites to the boys, and they accepted them with blank expressions. "Hmm, that's all . . ." Duo and Heero snickered; the others looked at them and squinted. "Gee, that's odd. She didn't invite you, Heero. I'm sure she meant to, you're all she talks about . . . Well, just come along. I'll give you a ride on my way to the airport. I'll pick you up after work?" He walked away. Duo began laughing.
"Ha, ha, you dorks! Just got suckered into going to a Relena party! Ah-hahahahaha!" He walked down the hall laughing. The rest of the pilots watched him go in silence. At 5:00, WuFei, Quatre, Trowa, and Heero crept along the corridors trying to leave without being seen by Zechs. Duo followed them, still chuckling to himself.
"Ha, ha, ha . . . Relena--ahahahaha,"
"Sshhh. You're gonna get us found out!" Quatre whispered.
"And I certainly wouldn't want to do that!" Duo said sarcastically, still trying to keep from laughing. WuFei took out his sword.
"Grrr . . . How about we laugh at your misfortune, Maxwell?!"
"Eeep!"
"Calm down, you two," Quatre started. Trowa stopped them.
"Listen . . ."
"Footsteps!" Said Heero. Duo peeked around the corner and saw Zechs. He waved.
"Yeah, it's Zechs." The unlucky four pilots ran down the corridor. They turned into other corridors, ran up a flight of stairs, and ran down another corridor--and straight into Zechs. The boys were very weirded out.
"Good, I've found you. Now hurry, the car is waiting." As they got into the car, Duo waved gleefully and chuckled. Zechs herded the pilots into the back seat of his car, then got in the driver's seat. Treize, who was sitting in the passenger's seat, turned around.
"So, you boys are going to Relena's party, eh? Have fun." They drove off. Relena paced back and forth near the door, Dorothy watched her.
"When is he getting here?" She whined. Dorothy sat back and smiled smugly.
"Obviously, he doesn't think much of you." The doorbell rang and Relena answered it. Zechs pushed the boys inside. "Dammit!" Dorothy exclaimed. Zechs waved to Relena, then got back in his car and drove away. Duo walked home by himself. He was still chortling as he picked up the TV Guide to see if anything good was on that night. No such luck. * * * * * * * * * *
Relena greeted the reluctant guests at the door, which she was now blocking. * * * * * * * * * *
"Hello! So glad you could make it! You didn't have any trouble finding the place, did you?" The boys looked at each other. "Good. Now c'mon in," she took Heero's arm in hers. He gritted his teeth and looked at the others almost pleadingly; they backed away. Dorothy stared angrily. "Now let me give you the tour, Heero-kun!" Relena had forgotten about the other pilots. They (the other three) edged over and took a seat at a table and checked their surroundings: various people milled around while Noin and Une conversed in the corner.
"How long does this damn thing last?" Asked WuFei.
"Did anybody save the invitation?" Asked Quatre. Trowa fished around in his pocket, produced the invite, and read:
"'6:00 until 12:00.'"
"NANI!? We're stuck here--" Quatre made a "sshh" sound and indicated that he lower his voice. WuFei continued at a slightly lower tone. "We're stuck here until midnight?!"
"Leave it to Relena to be unreasonable." Said Trowa. Meanwhile, Relena had commenced the tour. * * * * * * * * * *
"There's the bathroom--or should I say, 'the little boys' room?'" She said in a cutesy tone of voice. Heero clenched his fists. Duo picked at his TV dinner and flipped channels. He finally settled on a "Roseanne" re-run. A commercial set at a party reminded him of his colleagues' predicament and he chuckled. * * * * * * * * * *
Back at Relena's . . . * * * * * * * * * *
"So, if we stay right here, we should be safe, right?" Quatre inquired hopefully. "Right?"
"Technically . . ." Trowa started.
"Technically?! What the hell does that mean, Barton?" WuFei flared up.
"Technically we should be okay . . ." he saw three girls at another table giggling and looking at them. "But there's always a variable . . ."
"What the hell does THAT mean?" In the corner, the two chaperones pursued their favorite topic of conversation: man-bashing. Noin nursed her punch s she politely listened to Une expound on the subject at great length. * * * * * * * * * *
"And another thing," she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. "Don't you love puppies?" Noin nodded her head lazily. She was no longer listening to Une. * * * * * * * * * *
"And here's the elevator. You don't have an elevator in your house, do you, Heero-kun?" Heero rolled his eyes. "I didn't think so . . ." Duo went back to the kitchen to find something else to eat. He was becoming very lonely. He wasn't used to silence--at least he wasn't used to not talking--and it was getting to him. He returned to the TV room with a pack of Oreos and resumed watching a made-for-TV-movie on TNT. * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
"I'm getting hungry," grumbled WuFei.
"Yeah, me too. I'm going to get something at the buffet--anybody want anything?" Quatre rose from his seat.
"Wait," started Trowa. "We should all go, we're less vulnerable in a group."
"How do you know so damn much about survival techniques?" asked WuFei. Trowa turned to him.
"Not all the world loves a clown." Noin got a fourth refill on her punch and began getting a little tipsy (because the punch is ALWAYS spiked). Une didn't have any punch, but she did have a small bottle of whiskey which she kept for emergencies. She considered this to be one. Noin was back in the corner reading the classified ads while Une (now with her glasses back on) was getting involved with the other guests. When somebody brought out Twister, she was very excited and perhaps a little over-zealous. More than a few kids had to sit down because of minor injuries. * * * * * * * * * *
Quatre, WuFei, and Trowa returned to their seats without incident, but they still kept their wits about them. The food, however, proved to be remarkably elegant and fancy, and in keeping with proven scientific fact, all foods that are remarkably elegant and fancy are also remarkably disgusting. * * * * * * * * * *
Dorothy stalked closely after Relena and Heero, as Relena came to the next item of . . . interest. * * * * * * * * * *
"And here's the closet . . . we'll come back to this later." Heero's eyes widened and Dorothy growled deep in her throat. Relena led Heero back to the bathroom. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the...uh, water closet." She entered the bathroom, and Heero was about to run away when Dorothy jumped out from behind a house plant.
"Leaving so soon?" She asked menacingly.
"If you get out of my way," Heero responded. Dorothy grabbed his tank top straps and pushed him against the wall.
"Now let me make one thing clear. Stay away from Relena-sama, you're not her type." She glared at him.
"And who is, you freaky bitch?! I don't want anything to do with Relena--she scares me as much as you do." The bathroom door opened and Relena came out. Dorothy quickly released Heero.
"What's going on, you two?" Relena asked.
"I was...just telling Heero what a lovely couple you two make, Relena-sama..." Both Heero and Dorothy looked about to retch.
"Why thank you, Dorothy. You can help me with the tour." She grabbed both their arms and proceeded on. Duo sat on the couch watching the rest of the made-for-TV-movie. * * * * * * * * * *
"I'm not missing anything..." he said to himself. "Bad food, terrible music . . . RELENA. I bet those guys are jealous of my luck. Yeah, yeah! Jealous!" * * * * * * * * * *
"So, are we jealous of Duo yet?" Quatre began.
"Not on your life, Winner! I will never be jealous of that braided American wuss!"
"WuFei, please calm down. Trowa, I think the stress is getting to him!" Quatre got WuFei to sit back down.
"At least tell me what time it is," he said in a resigned tone. Trowa looked at his watch.
"7:30,"
"Dammit!" WuFei's fists hit the table, and Quatre looked around.
"The coast looks clear, so I'm going to the bathroom." He got up and left. Une was by this point playing Battleship with an unfortunate schoolmate of Relena's. * * * * * * * * * *
"Um, C-8," guessed the kid. Une glowered at him.
"You sank my battleship..." she said in a calm but threatening voice.
"I meant C-2..." the kid corrected.
"That's better."
Noin was dialing the phone:
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to place a classified ad . . . under women seeking men . . . SAF seeks companion age 18-60, extremely desperate . . . no, I don't like sunsets . . . or dogs . . . who cares about the beach? . . . I don't know, make something up! You don't need my life story, just find me a man!" she yelled into the receiver. Duo picked up the phone and tried calling Hildre. There was no answer so he called Dr. G. * * * * * * * * * *
"Dr. G? It's Duo. Why do you say that every time I call? Oh, that only happened once. I just--no, this isn't about that, I just wanted to talk. No, I'm not joking. Say, did you hear about the time I went camping? Oh, it was hilarious . . ." Quatre checked to see if the coast was clear before emerging from the bathroom. It seemed okay, so he headed toward the table when he was intercepted by a party-goer. It was one of the girls from the other table. * * * * * * * * * *
"Hi, I'm Sara. Do you go to school with Relena?"
"Uh, no...," Quatre tried to step around her, but she kept him in front of her.
"Really? Then how do you know her?" Quatre fumbled for an answer and looked across the room to where his friends sat. They watched helplessly as the girl dragged Quatre onto the dance floor.
"Hello, there," Trowa and WuFei turned around slowly. The two other girls from the other table stood before them. "May we sit here?" Trowa and WuFei looked at each other as the girls sat down. Relena was wrapping up the tour. * * * * * * * * * * *
"And here's the punch bowl," Heero groaned. "Want some?" Relena offered a cup to him.
"Not on your life!" he knocked it away. Relena stood there a moment; Heero pointed at her. "Omae o korosu!" Dorothy looked tentatively from one to the other, hoping that Relena would finally get a clue.
"Oh, Heero," she hugged his arm. "Did you notice? I'm wearing the same dress I wore when you first tried to kill me." Dorothy slapped her forehead, and Heero weaved around, trying to get Relena off him. * * * * * * * * * * *
"Hello? Hello?" Duo looked puzzled when he heard the dial tone. "Must have been disconnected." Dr. G had hung up on him, as well as the other four doctors. "I know, I'll go out. That way, when I get back, the others will be envious of the great time I had! That'll teach them to leave me alone!" He looked around wildly, and wrung his hands. He looked at the clock: 8:30. "Okay, I'll just stay out until 1:00, then they'll all be tired while I'm still wide awake!!" He laughed crazily and ran out. Une was playing checkers with another guest. * * * * * * * * * * *
"King me," the kid said. Une overturned the table and grabbed the kid by the collar.
"Are you sure you want me to do that, you little pissant?" the boy squirmed a little.
"Um, n-no, ma'am,"
"MA'AM? What are you getting at? Saying I'm old? Too old to find a descent man?"
"N-noo..!" She dropped the kid.
"Ah, the hell with this, I'm going to play Connect Four." Duo walked into a bar down the road a little ways. * * * * * * * * * * *
"Gimme a, uh, Sam Adams," the bartender looked at him, a little cock-eyed, Duo thought.
"ID, miss?" Duo's grin turned to a frown.
"I'm a boy! And no, I don't have an ID."
"Then no beer."
"I can drive!"
"Driver's license?" Duo shook his head. "No ID, no driver's license, and you're tellin' me you can drive?" Duo grinned and nodded; the bartender crossed his arms. "So if I bring my car around, you could drive up to the store, get me a sandwich, and bring the car back in one piece?"
"Is it a stick?"
"No,"
"What d'you want on that sandwich?" The bartender rubbed his face.
"Get outta my bar, kid." "Can I at least have a Sprite?" The bartender turned to the fountain grumbling, then gave Duo his Sprite. The two girls were talking constantly, asking questions, but never waiting for either WuFei or Trowa to respond. The DJ put on a new song and the girls dragged the pilots onto the dance floor. Relena tried to pull Heero onto the floor, but each time she tried to take his hand, he batted her hand away. And each time, Relena tried again, till they sat there slapping each others' hands. This was too much for Dorothy to bear, the way Heero kept throwing himself at Relena (at least Dorothy thought) and pressing her to dance and who knows what else (as I said, like Dorothy thought). She pushed her way through crowds of guests--not that it was crowded, but she was going out of her way to push people down--and got to the elevator. She took it to the basement where she looked for the fuse box. When she found it, she pulled the cables out. Upstairs, the lights faded and the music died. Sounds of astonishment from the guests mixed with the sounds of the pilots hitting the floor and scrambling for cover. Downstairs, Dorothy laughed maniacally but stopped shortly as a flashlight beam hit her. Une came down the stairs. * * * * * * * * * *
"Oh, don't worry, Relena, I'll have the power up in no time," Relena looked relieved.
"Thank you, Colonel Une. The party would be a complete disaster if it weren't for you. Now to reassure the guests!" She ran back upstairs. At 12:00 and 10 Sprites later, the bartender finally threw Duo out and closed up. He was glad to be rid of the incessant chatter, and he drove away with Duo still recounting his camping story. Duo tugged on his cap and headed down the street. He was wide awake and very lonely. * * * * * * * * * *
The party goers searched for the Gundam boys for an hour and a half before they found them hiding in the attic. They were dragged downstairs (this is after Une fixed the power). There they once again sat between the talkative girls as they (the girls) discussed various things. Within five minutes, the pilots were bored to the verge of suicide: WuFei was asleep, Quatre was doodling on a napkin, Trowa was staring straight ahead in thought, and Heero was playing with the knife from the cake (Relena didn't have the good sense to be frightened, because when has she ever had good sense?). * * * * * * * * * *
"These people like talking more than Duo," murmured Heero to Trowa and Quatre.
"Did you say something, Heero?" Relena asked sweetly.
"Bite me," Heero retorted. "When is that cab getting here?" he whispered. (Let's say Quatre ordered a cab when he said he was going to the bathroom--I didn't feel like writing it out.)
"I don't understand, it should be here by now . . . maybe it got lost."
"Unacceptable . . ." WuFei muttered in his sleep. Everyone looked at him. "In-justice . . ."
Une had finally passed out, and Noin was "warning" some of the girls about men.
"And then he starts making excuses about why he can't come home for the holidays . . . and you have to buy men's underwear to put around the apartment so you can act embarrassed when your friends come over . . ." she started crying, and the girls checked their watches, wishing their parents would get there sooner. "Conference in Hawaii my ass!" Another hour passed, and still no cab. Relena didn't mind some of the guests staying longer than expected. Dorothy had decided long ago she was spending the night--or at least until Heero left. The Gundam boys, the ones awake at any rate, were wishing for death.
"So, Quatre, where did you say you're from again?" One of the girls asked. Quatre burst into tears and buried his face in his arms.
"I wanna go home!" he sobbed. Now, there are 5 ways to end this. That is to say, I have thought of 5 ways to end this (and it's about damn time). They are as follows:
© 1999, Miscellany by Puj. All rights reserved.