Vegetable Woes
Part 2
*****
"I cannot beleive that you two, of all places, decided to pick this place,"Giles declared as he downed his drink with one large gulp."This is bloody insane."
"No one forced you to come, Watcher,"Spike snarled as he downed his drink."Fact is, I thought of hiding here on my own when the Wolf-boy and the Nasal came in here with their cases of booze."
Oz looked at the bottle in his hand."Isn't booze. It's tequila."
"Whatever,"Angel said as he handed his shot glass to Oz."How much of the stuff do we have here? And couldn’t you have gotten whiskey?"
After gulping his drink, Whistler looked down a the floor."About two cases, Smiley. And we wanted a neutral and strong drink. Tequila.We ready for the next round? Ears?"
"Pass it to me,"Xander said, then he looked uneasily at the bed."I still feel strange about being here. I mean, what if the Buffster finds out?"
Spike snorted at her."Who's gonna tell her? You? Smiley? She ain't talking to him, and she's bloody well not talking to me."
"Spike's right,"Angel declared. Then shook his head in disbelief. "I can't beleive I just agreed with Spike. Anyway, Buffy won't find us here. Why would she think that we'd be hanging out in her father's bedroom?"
"Bloody got that right. To the one thing that the idiot finally got right: He turned into an artichoke,"Giles toasted, then downed his drink.
*****
Buffy sulked as she looked from her closet to her mother."The dress that Nana got me is ruined because of Angel and the dress that Angel got me is ruined because of Spike. Now I have nothing to wear for dinner tomorrow night."
From the bed, Joyce propped her head up and rolled her eyes at her daughter."And yet, you will somehow survive and look absolutely smashing."
"Mom, your England is showing, and Giles isn't even here,"Buffy teased back. Then she frowned again."Is it too late for me to get another dress? Do you guys have time to go shopping with me?"
From the other side of the suite, the girls looked at each other and shrugged. Cordelia answered for them all."Since when is there no time to go shopping?"
"Great. I wonder how Angel is doing,"Buffy wondered as she closed her closet doors. She looked at Willow."Oz said he was going to watch over him, right? And make sure that he doesn't get into any trouble with Spike and Whistler?"
Willow rolled her eyes at her best friend."How much trouble could they get into? And with Giles?"
"Well, the last time they did, which was just yesterday night, they were all turned into animals,"Amy said archly as she popped a popcorn into her mouth.
Cordelia snorted."Only because of the idiot, I mean, Buffy's dad. But now that he's an artichoke, what's the trouble he can cause?"
"Cordy, you're really trying to jinx us!"Faith sighed as she bit into a carrot stick. "Why don't you go and get lost in the clothes section of K-mart?"
Cordelia rolled her eyes."I cannot believe that you, of all people, believes in jinxes! You, the street-hard, what-you-see-is-real, the don't-mess-with-me Slayer who is superstitious!"
"Yeah, but at least I don't go courting the bad luck,"Faith shot back."Did I just say the word 'courting'?"
From Buffy's bed, Joyce laughed."It's Rupert's influence. He's done amazing things with Buffy's vocabulary and sentence structure as well."
"I have got to get away from that Watcher. He's been educating me under my very nose,"Faith said in mock disgust.
"And amazingly enough, the knowledge is absorbed,"Cordelia said snootily."Proves there really is a brain up there, even after all those vampire beatings."
"At least she's improving it,"Amy shot back at Cordelia, defending her roommate.""And not just using it to grow hair."
"I wonder if I should check on Dad?"Buffy asked out loud before a verbal catfight could break out."Mom, come with?"
Joyce sighed."Give it a rest, honey. If he's changed back in front of you, do you really want to see your father naked? I know that Rupert would murder your father if I did."
"Point taken,"Buffy grimaced."So what do we do now?"
******
Xander sniffed at the cart that was wheeled in by room service. He looked blearily at the porter."Is this all? No steak or blood pudding? Or even fried chicken?"
"No, sir. This is all that the kitchen was able to make for you at this late hour,"the porter informed him."Guacamole and nachoes, buffalo wings, spinach linguine with vodka sauce and a large order of french fries."
Xander sighed gustily."And I really wanted a steak. Thanks, put it on the tab."
"Hey, Ears! No stakes allowed here! Mum said so!"Spike hollered as he looked up from his pile of cards. Then downed the contents of his shot glass.
Angel whacked Spike on the head without looking up from his cards. He threw a card on the table."Ears meant s-t-e-a-k steak not the wooden s-t-a-k-e one. Whistler, hit me with another."
Munching on a guacamole laden nacho, Xander took his place between Giles and the non-biting demon, Whistler."No one hungry yet? Not including the Dead family."
"I'll gorge in a minute," said Whistler as he dealt Angel a card, then looked at the Watcher."Tweed, you in or out? And do you want a refill?"
"I'll have two cards, and another shot,"Giles said as he threw two cards down, and downed his shot glass. Oz refilled his glass and watched as the Watcher downed that one."Oz, your turn."
"I fold,"Oz said as he eyed his cards, then stood to get away from the table."And I'm eating."
"Placing anymore bets?"Whistler asked the table."Who's in and who's out?"
Angel frowned at his cards, then looked at his pile of winnings. "I'm in and I raise the pot three marshmallows."
"I'll see your three and raise you two,"Spike announced as he threw in two more marshmallows. He grinned."What about you?"
Whistler threw down his cards, then downed his glass."Dealer folds. Tweed, you in?"
"I'll meet the bet,"Giles announced as he threw in his marshmallows. He looked at the two vampires with a cool eye."Any of you ready to fold, this is your last chance."
Angel snorted."You got me the last time with only a pair of fives. No way it's gonna work this time. I'll win this one, I have three tens and a pair of fours. Look and weep."
"Not so fast, Peaches. I got me three jacks and a pair of sevens,"Spike said as he smugly looked at the Watcher."See if you can beat that, Watcher."
Sighing, Giles shook his head sadly as he put a card down."I think I can't. Not with one king..."
"Hah!"Spike said as he reached to rake in the pot. Giles stopped him with a hand. Spike scowled at him."It's mine, Watch-"
Giles let down another card."One queen..."
Spike’s and Angel’s jaws dropped lower and lower as Giles let down another and another."One jack...one ten... and one ace. But, if you put them all together-"
"Bugger me blind! Tweed got himself a straight flush!" Spike roared. He glared at the Watcher as he raked in the marshmallows."How the hell did you do that?!?"
Giles smiled smugly at the vampire."How do you think I earned money for my extra-curricular activities at Oxford?"
"The blasted watcher was a Captain Sharp! Mum married a no good for nothing Captain Sharp!"Spike roared incredulously.
Insulted, Giles sniffed at Spike as he popped a marshmallow in his mouth."She certainly did not! I would never cheat a man from his money in cards! I would just easily let him go broke until the next packet day."
"You rebel Watcher, you,"Xander said dryly as he stuffed a nacho into his mouth. "Want a fry?"
"Or more tequila?"Oz offered."We still have this bottle and a case left. Do we finish it tonight?"
Angel shrugged as he lifted his shot glass for a refill."Why not? It's not like Buffy's gonna let me into her room tonight even if she or I was willing. Too many of her male cousins that think I'm the lowest piece of scum scraped from the murky depths of cesspool for demons."
Xander rolled his eyes."Thanks *so* much for the imagery while I'm eating. Oh, no. I'm not grossed out much."
"Like I'm sorry that you can't eat, Ears. It really hurts my unbeating heart,"Angel smirked as he gulped his drink down.
"Hey, I told you that you shoulda told her about your other girlfriend and your other best friend you hang with,"Whistler said as he shook his head."But nooo, you just wouldn't listen to me. You had to let her find out through Spike."
Xander and Oz glared Angel who looked at Whistler, confused. Xander demanded."Then you are cheating on Buffy? And Spike knew?"
"Screw off, Ears,"Angel said, then looked at the annoying little demon."What the fuck are you talking about? What girlfriend and best friend?"
"Why, I'm talking about your buff blow-up doll named Busty and your right hand called Master Bate,"Whistler said smugly. Giles shook his head at the bad joke, Angel looked at him blankly as Oz, Spike and Xander proceeded to crack up.
Shaking his head sadly, Whistler sighed."It's now a proven fact. Gentlemen of the jury, let me tell you now that there isn't much up there in Angel's head. Just hair, gel, mousse and hairspray. And a shitload of tequila."
"Master Bate?"Angel repeated as he shook his head."Go sit on a bottle and open it, Whistler."
"Poor, poor Angel baby,"Spike snorted as he used his fork to stab at a wing."You haven't gotten laid by your little Slayer in over three weeks, and now when you have a chance to, you'll be maimed for the effort. Gotta love Mum's cousins if they didn't make me have indigestion to just think about them. But then, I get all happy when I think of the things I can tell them about you, you great poof."
"Fuck off, Spike,"Angel muttered as he downed his tequila."And pass me a wing, Oz."
As Angel looked at him venomously, Spike snorted with laughter, then he sat up suddenly and glared at Giles."And why the fuck are you still here, Watcher? Aren't you supposed to take care of Mum now that she's preggers with your kid? Curl up with her and massage her back and all that?"
"Hah!"Spike said as he reached to rake in the pot. Giles stopped him with a hand. Spike scowled at him."It's mine, Watch-"
Giles let down another card."One queen..."
Spike’s and Angel’s jaws dropped lower and lower as Giles let down another and another."One jack...one ten... and one ace. But, if you put them all together-"
"Bugger me blind! Tweed got himself a straight flush!" Spike roared. He glared at the Watcher as he raked in the marshmallows."How the hell did you do that?!?"
Giles smiled smugly at the vampire."How do you think I earned money for my extra-curricular activities at Oxford?"
"The blasted watcher was a Captain Sharp! Mum married a no good for nothing Captain Sharp!"Spike roared incredulously.
Insulted, Giles sniffed at Spike as he popped a marshmallow in his mouth."She certainly did not! I would never cheat a man from his money in cards! I would just easily let him go broke until the next packet day."
"You rebel Watcher, you,"Xander said dryly as he stuffed a nacho into his mouth. "Want a fry?"
"Or more tequila?"Oz offered."We still have this bottle and a case left. Do we finish it tonight?"
Angel shrugged as he lifted his shot glass for a refill."Why not? It's not like Buffy's gonna let me into her room tonight even if she or I was willing. Too many of her male cousins that think I'm the lowest piece of scum scraped from the murky depths of cesspool for demons."
Xander rolled his eyes."Thanks *so* much for the imagery while I'm eating. Oh, no. I'm not grossed out much."
"Like I'm sorry that you can't eat, Ears. It really hurts my unbeating heart,"Angel smirked as he gulped his drink down.
"Hey, I told you that you shoulda told her about your other girlfriend and your other best friend you hang with,"Whistler said as he shook his head."But nooo, you just wouldn't listen to me. You had to let her find out through Spike."
Xander and Oz glared Angel who looked at Whistler, confused. Xander demanded."Then you are cheating on Buffy? And Spike knew?"
"Screw off, Ears,"Angel said, then looked at the annoying little demon."What the fuck are you talking about? What girlfriend and best friend?"
"Why, I'm talking about your buff blow-up doll named Busty and your right hand called Master Bate,"Whistler said smugly. Giles shook his head at the bad joke, Angel looked at him blankly as Oz, Spike and Xander proceeded to crack up.
Shaking his head sadly, Whistler sighed."It's now a proven fact. Gentlemen of the jury, let me tell you now that there isn't much up there in Angel's head. Just hair, gel, mousse and hairspray. And a shitload of tequila."
"Master Bate?"Angel repeated as he shook his head."Go sit on a bottle and open it, Whistler."
"Poor, poor Angel baby,"Spike snorted as he used his fork to stab at a wing."You haven't gotten laid by your little Slayer in over three weeks, and now when you have a chance to, you'll be maimed for the effort. Gotta love Mum's cousins if they didn't make me have indigestion to just think about them. But then, I get all happy when I think of the things I can tell them about you, you great poof."
"Fuck off, Spike,"Angel muttered as he downed his tequila."And pass me a wing, Oz."
As Angel looked at him venomously, Spike snorted with laughter, then he sat up suddenly and glared at Giles."And why the fuck are you still here, Watcher? Aren't you supposed to take care of Mum now that she's preggers with your kid? Curl up with her and massage her back and all that?"
"I wish that I could curl up with her right now,"Giles snorted as he twirled a strand of linguine."Not with all these cousins around. I'm in a different, if not the same boat as Angel. Her uncles practically ordered me to stay away from Joyce's bed because of her delicate condition and the fact that they still want to get to know me."
"Oh, is that all? Well then good for them,"Spike snorted as he chewed on a nacho."Makes me shudder to know that you've been exercising your husbandly rights with Mum to make her that way. Good to know that you're staying away from her. Least you won't make any more husbandly demands on her."
"It's more like she demands be allowed to do her wifely duties and I merely acquiesce to her demands, Spike. As much as she likes, when she likes,"Giles smirked.
Spike grimaced."I *so* did not need to imagine that, Watcher. Bloody hell. Now I'm talking like you pansies and that blasted Slayer. God, stake me now."
"What the hell is Spike and Giles talking about?"Xander asked Oz as he munched on a french fry.
Oz simply shrugged."I don't think you want to know, Xander."
"Amazing how Spike's vocabulary changes when he speaks about Buffy's mom," Whistler commented to Giles in a high-pitched English accent. Then he looked down on his nose at Angel."Now what Spike usually would say, in the crude and simple words that you and Ears would understand, Smiley, is that-"
Leaning forward on his chair, Spike growled dangerously."Say them about her and I'll rib out your lungs through your ass, you little pissant. You'll keep a civil tongue if you want to live to be best man."
"Oh ho! Think I'll live dangerously,"Whistler whispered in mock horror. Then looked at the hand placed on his shoulder. Giles smiled at him dangerously."But then again, her being the Bombshell's mother and Tweed's wife, I'll refrain from my usual short and sweet commentary."
"That's great, but what the hell was Spike still talking about Buffy's mom and the G-man,"Xander demanded with a mouth full of linguine and buffalo wings.
Oz rolled his eyes, then picked out a french fry."Marital rights between Mr. and Mrs. G. And since I don't want to get killed, I'll shut up right now."
Xander still looked at Oz blankly. Munching on a nacho, Angel snorted."They're all talking about Giles having sex with Buffy's mom, Ears."
"Oh, gross. Please, I'm eating and I don't want to think about that either,"Xander grimaced, then shuddered."It's like the wondering thought of what color underwear my parents wear. Unmentionable, unthinkable."
Giles quirked an eyebrow at him."You mean you actually think about that from time to time? Xander, you are not too strange."
"Okay, before this gets into a verbal insult match where Spike, Xander and Angel would end up with mental scars, how about a game of shots?"Oz asked as he held up a full bottle.”And we toast whatever subject comes up.”
*****
Faith yawned as she picked at a french fry."So, as far as we can all tell, the men have all but disappeared within the bowels of this resort."
"Wonderful, I get horny and Xander decides to do some more male bonding,"Cordelia groaned as she downed her diet soda."Why do I put up with that?"
"Because it is your destiny. You must take on the duty which is Lord Xander the Geek, the King of Cretin, A Bestest of the Slayer's Bestest Buds,"Buffy giggled as she drank her glass of cola."I think I'm on a sugar rush here."
"Great, a hyper Slayer for a daughter, just what I've always wanted,"Joyce snorted as she laid out again on her daughter's bed."I still can't believe that Rupert would actually just disappear with the boys like that."
Willow nodded."And Oz. usually he tells me where he's going, but not this time. Jeez, like it was top secret."
"I think that they're all hiding from your cousins, Buffy,"Amy declared."I mean, after the stories they were telling us of what they were asked while we were putting away your dad, you think that they went through World War Three!"
"Men,"Buffy snorted as she joined her mother on the bed. "Sometimes you can't live with them, and we know we can't shoot 'em. Well, Spike, Angel and Whistler excluded. They're already dead. But maybe not Whistler."
"Yeah, the horny little demon that can see through our clothes and smell us when we want to get some,"Faith snorted. Then she looked up when she felt everyone stare at her."What?"
Cordelia's mouth was wide open."What did you say?!? Repeat that little tidbit again! Who could that be at the door? Faith! Repeat! Now! Amy answer that!"
"Amy's not a dog, Cordy!"Faith snapped."And what's with the interrogation session?"
"Let it go, Faith. It's the hairspray that's taken over her mind,"Amy shrugged as she open the door."Hi! Come on in, Nana Bethie. Buffy, it's your Nana and some of your cousins!"
Buffy looked over and beamed at her female relatives."Great! Hiya Nana! Aunt Wynn! Raphaela, Rhianonn, Melody! Come on in everybody! This is great! Who needs guys?"
"Only us horny girls,"Cordelia muttered."Faith, tell us what you know about Whistler and his nose!"
*****
"That was a disgusting toast,"Xander announced as he lowered his shot glass."What is it with you demons and body parts?"
"Hey, it was all that I could think up at the spur of the moment. You guys ready to give in now?"Whistler slurred as he let out a loud burp.
After gulping down his shot, Angel snorted."Fill all the glasses. I'm still standing."
"Yeah, pass it around, you little pissant, we're only on the seventh round,"Spike snorted as he chugged down his shot."You humans ready to give up?"
"Pass it over, Bleach Head,"Xander ordered as he finished his shot slowly."Oz, you still with?"
"Oh, yeah, still here and accounted for,"Oz commented."But I think my green ears are gone."
After struggling to keep his head up, Giles looked at Willow's husband."No, they're still there. And still green. Pass the next round, Whistler. And who makes the next toast?"
"I do,"Oz announced. He got up and lifted his glass after it was filled by Whistler. "Subject is body parts: Here's to Willow's ears, may they stay on her head and cute."
After a chorus of cheers, the males around the room downed their drinks in one gulp.”To Willow’s ears!”
Xander stood."My turn. Here's to Cordy's sharp tongue. May she always use it deftly to flay the skin off any foe and use it gently when she lashes it out at me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nana Bethie stared at Faith,"And he told you this?"
"He never told you he could do that?"Faith asked the old woman warily."I mean, you really never knew?"
Nana Bethie shook her head slowly."All that I know about him I deduced over sixty-odd years ago. I knew about his ability to see through clothing, but this...Was this a recent development with his nose?"
Willow nodded."And Oz. usually he tells me where he's going, but not this time. Jeez, like it was top secret."
"I think that they're all hiding from your cousins, Buffy,"Amy declared."I mean, after the stories they were telling us of what they were asked while we were putting away your dad, you think that they went through World War Three!"
"Men,"Buffy snorted as she joined her mother on the bed. "Sometimes you can't live with them, and we know we can't shoot 'em. Well, Spike, Angel and Whistler excluded. They're already dead. But maybe not Whistler."
"Yeah, the horny little demon that can see through our clothes and smell us when we want to get some,"Faith snorted. Then she looked up when she felt everyone stare at her."What?"
Cordelia's mouth was wide open."What did you say?!? Repeat that little tidbit again! Who could that be at the door? Faith! Repeat! Now! Amy answer that!"
"Amy's not a dog, Cordy!"Faith snapped."And what's with the interrogation session?"
"Let it go, Faith. It's the hairspray that's taken over her mind,"Amy shrugged as she open the door."Hi! Come on in, Nana Bethie. Buffy, it's your Nana and some of your cousins!"
Buffy looked over and beamed at her female relatives."Great! Hiya Nana! Aunt Wynn! Raphaela, Rhianonn, Melody! Come on in everybody! This is great! Who needs guys?"
"Only us horny girls,"Cordelia muttered."Faith, tell us what you know about Whistler and his nose!"
*****
"That was a disgusting toast,"Xander announced as he lowered his shot glass."What is it with you demons and body parts?"
"Hey, it was all that I could think up at the spur of the moment. You guys ready to give in now?"Whistler slurred as he let out a loud burp.
After gulping down his shot, Angel snorted."Fill all the glasses. I'm still standing."
"Yeah, pass it around, you little pissant, we're only on the seventh round,"Spike snorted as he chugged down his shot."You humans ready to give up?"
"Pass it over, Bleach Head,"Xander ordered as he finished his shot slowly."Oz, you still with?"
"Oh, yeah, still here and accounted for,"Oz commented."But I think my green ears are gone."
After struggling to keep his head up, Giles looked at Willow's husband."No, they're still there. And still green. Pass the next round, Whistler. And who makes the next toast?"
"I do,"Oz announced. He got up and lifted his glass after it was filled by Whistler. "Subject is body parts: Here's to Willow's ears, may they stay on her head and cute."
After a chorus of cheers, the males around the room downed their drinks in one gulp.”To Willow’s ears!”
Xander stood."My turn. Here's to Cordy's sharp tongue. May she always use it deftly to flay the skin off any foe and use it gently when she lashes it out at me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nana Bethie stared at Faith,"And he told you this?"
"He never told you he could do that?"Faith asked the old woman warily."I mean, you really never knew?"
Nana Bethie shook her head slowly."All that I know about him I deduced over sixty-odd years ago. I knew about his ability to see through clothing, but this...Was this a recent development with his nose?"
"As far as the little lecher said, it's a fairly new skill. He only had it while he shape-shifted, but then it started getting sharper when he moved in with Angel for the wedding,"Faith shrugged, then looked mischievously at Buffy."He was really bothered by the scent of Angel jacking off all over the apartment. And with Buff's B.O. when she was around Angel."
Buffy buried her head into her pillow, moaning."Great. Now the little troll knows when I'm wanting to get my hands on Angel. Bad enough when I thought that Oz was the only one that could do it."
"Oh, yeah, that was a major freaksome event when I found that out,"Amy agreed with a delicate shudder."Not that it still doesn't bother me when I think about it, but at least we know that Oz isn't a horny little demon that tries to look through our clothes. Is he, Will?"
"Not that I know of, and if he's got x-ray vision, he'd better just use it on me,"Willow said as she buried her red face in her hands."I don't think that I can look at Whistler without turning red now."
Melody patted the young witch's back."Worry not. Your wolf can maim the demon if he gets out of line. So tell us, have you anything planned for tomorrow?"
"Yes, Elizabeth. What do you have planned now that you have two dresses ruined? You wish to shop with us? We plan to go to the nearest mall tomorrow,"Rhianon asked.
"Shopping?"Buffy asked as her ears perked up."Hey, maybe we can get Daddy, if he's better, to come along and *he* can get me a new dress!"
Joyce groaned as she covered her eyes."Buffy, honey. Give it a rest, please."
"But think of the clothes that I can get out of Daddy!"Buffy declared happily as she perked up at that idea.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"New toasting subject for the fifteenth round:My fucking sire, Angel. Here's to the bright and hard future Angel is going to have with the Slayer,"Spike announced as he stood unsteadily up. "Because the harder he is in bed with her, the more she'll stay out of my way."
Tears filling his eyes, Angel lifted his glass up, then downed it."That was beautiful."
"And so horny,"Xander announced with a loud burp."Giles, your turn. Toast Angel."
Giles lifted up his glass."What round are we again?"
"Fifteen, I think,"Oz said as he unsteadily filled the shot glasses, getting more of the tequila on the table than in the glasses."And toast Angel. This one and not the one in the skies."
Nodding, Giles unsteadily stood up and lifted his glass."Here's to Angel. May he wed Buffy, whom I love like a daughter, as soon as possible and get her out of the house quickly so that I can go back to making love to her mother anywhere I want.”
“That’s something I did not want to hear,”Spike grumbled as he held his drink.
Giles looked at him as pointedly as he could, considering his glassses were lost somewhere in the room.”Then don’t listen. Fine then, to Angel, may he wed Buffy soon so that I won’t have to put up with her blasted father.”
Then he threw back his head and downed it amid the cheers. He looked blearily at the groom-to-be."Your turn now, Angel. I think I’m a bit unsteady now..."
Oz and Whistler caught him and seated him before he could topple over onto Spike. ”Easy, Giles. Think you can go down on the bed as soon as Angel’s done toasting.”
Giles sniffed from his seat.”Sounds like a bloody good idea. To Angel’s self toast.”
"Dead Boy toasting to himself? Whatta party,"Xander burped as he waddled over to the bed. And laid his head against the pillows. he lifted his head up and frowned."What the hell is under these blanket a rock?"
"Shaddup over there, Ears. I'm trying to think up of my own toast,"said Angel as he frowned, then brightened."Here's to me, may I always be quick enough to dodge Buffy's stakes when she's furious at me, and have an extra set of keys hidden nearby when she decides to chain me up."
"Here, here,"Oz toasted loudly as he stood up, dangerously swaying back and forth."I sure know about those chains. Willow borrows them from time to time. Spike, you can pour the last of the bottle."
"Sound kinky, Wolf boy,"Spike commented as he looked at the six shot glasses on the table, and saw eighteen. Shrugging, he poured more tequila into the middle glasses. Then watched as the drink went on the table, then on a nearby leg when he reached for a cold french fry."Never knew the witch had it in her."
As the tequila made over the table ledge, Giles looked at his lap and at the big wet spot that smelled like tequila."I seemed to have sprung a leak here. Didn't think I had to go to the loo."
"Who the fuck put a vegetable under the covers?"Xander demanded as he took out a green artichoke from under the blankets."What the fuck is this-Yiiieee!!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Did you hear that?"Melody demanded as she looked towards the door."It sounded like screaming."
Her ears perked up, Buffy listened for a moment, then she shrugged."Nope. Did you hear anything, Faith?"
Faith shook her head."Not a thing. So, Nana Bethie, when was the first time you met Whistler? As a Finder? And his name was Harbinger? What happened?"
"It's quite an embarrassing story, on his part,"Nana Bethie said demurely as her hazel eyes twinkled."Not at all suitable for young ears."
"Nana,"Joyce scolded."You're such a tease. You shouldn't bring that up if you're not going to tell us. Now it's a must to tell."
"Indeed, Mother Bethie,"Wynn said primly as she leaned over conspiratorially."But if it embarrasses you, you can tell me and I can tell the young ones."
"I'm only a year younger than you, Wynn,"Aunt Yvette commented dryly."Are you really sure you want to say that you're older?"
Aunt Wynn smiled cheekily at her sister-in-law."Fine then, you can say you're older and then let Mother Bethie whisper it into your ear before she tells it in mine."
"Aunt Wynn! Aunt Yvette! I want to hear it with my own ears!" Buffy protested laughingly."Nana, how did you meet Whistler? Was he annoying then like he is now?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Seeing something flying past his head, Angel immediately stood wobbily."What the fuck's the matter with you, Geek Boy? What the hell are you throwing at me?"
His hand shaking wildly, Xander pointed at the green thing that spoke to him."That vegetable spoke to me!! That artichoke spoke!"
"You've had too much tequila,"Spike snorted as he picked up the artichoke."It's a vegetable. The idiot is a vegetable. No eyes, no ears, no-WHAT? What the FUCK did you say you little sodding pissant of a fruit? You what? Well, fuck you and see if you like me peeling off your leaves like-"
Oz tackled Spike before he could tear off any of the artichoke leaves."NO! Spike! Leave the artichoke alone!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"And that was the first time I met Harbinger,"Nana Bethie said primly as she looked angelically at her family. She watched with some amusement at their stunned faces. If a pin was dropped in that room, you could hear it."Is there anything that you want to say about it?"
Amy cleared her throat."So, did he ever say why he was running out of the bordello with only a face cloth around his waist and large piece of peanut brittle in his mouth?"
"Oh, I deduced the true reason out on my own much later,"Nana Bethie commented."He was being a little-what on earth was that?"
Buffy immediately stood."That crash was upstairs!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The two fell over, and the artichoke rolled away to the other side of the room. Whistler blearily looked down at it and picked it up."Is this the artichoke that's-"
Whistler stopped, then looked at the artichoke in his hand again. Then scowled at it."What that you say? You think that you can say that to my face? Well, I can-"
"Oh, give me the idiot,"Giles ordered as he wobbily strode over to Whistler and snatched the artichoke away from him."You should not get mad at Hank the Artichoke because he is an artichoke. Oz and Spike, do get up off the floor!"
Giles snorted as he leaned over to look at the two, now still figures."Angel, help Spike up. Xander, you help Oz. And-what?!? Why you little disgusting piece of horse manure! How DARE you say that about me and Joyce!"
Wrapping both of his hands around it, as if he was going to strangle the life out of it, Giles roared,"Filthy little panser! I'm going to choke the words right out of your filthy little mouth! Do you know-"
"Hold it! Hold everything!"Angel shouted as he grabbed his future father-in-law from Giles, and held the offending artichoke away from everyone protectively. Holding it away from himself dramatically like Hamlet holding Yorick's skull."This is NOT a man, gentlemen! THIS is Hank Summers, now Hank the Artichoke."
He pointed accusingly at the occupants in the room."Like you said, Giles, he is a vegetable. My future father-in-law, the idiot, is a vegetable. He can't-WHAT? YOU FORBID ME TO MARRY BUFFY? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? OH, YEAH?!? WELL THEN TAKE THAT!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As they reached the upper floor, Faith lifted her head as she heard another small crash."It's from down the hall!"
Breathless, Buffy looked at her nana."Who's on this floor? What's this floor?"
Nana Bethie looked at Rhianon, Raphaela and Wynn. Wynn shrugged. "It's the sixth floor. We're in the west wing, I think. On this floor it's mostly your cousins Nathan, Ethan, Gabriel, your father-oh, no. Mother Beth, you don't think-"
"That the idiot would not even cause trouble while he's an artichoke? Not a snowball's chance in Hell,"Nana Bethie snorted.
Buffy looked at her great-grandmother. And raced down the resort hall, screaming from the top of her lungs."DAD!"
"Told you that you'd jinx us!"Faith shouted at Cordelia as she raced after her friend.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The five stunned males watched in slow motion, as Angel shouted at the argumentative artichoke and threw it with all his vampiric might, crashing through the window like a pitcher throwing a fast ball. Then, with the exception of the low humming of the air conditioner, total silence filled the room.
In joint unison, the males that were all acquainted with the Vampire Slayer known as Buffy, all swung their heads and stared at Angel, the ensouled vampire she was going to marry, who just realized what he did, the moment he did it."Shit. *Oh, shit*. I just threw my future father-in-law out the window."
"And we're in deep shit now, hear that?"Spike said through a strangled throat.
"What? What?"Xander demanded."What's coming? What?"
"Oh, fuck! Fat's in the fire now! A whole buncha somebodies are coming right now!"Whistler shouted in drunken panic."What the fuck do we do now?"
"Panic?"Xander said wildly."I'm thinking it's 'cause Buffy's gonna maim each and everyone of us for being here and letting Dead Boy throw her dad out the window."
"Can't panic, gotta do something. Don't fancy living in an ashtray,"Spike shouted. He looked around frantically, then his eyes fell on the guacamole."White socks! Who's got on white socks? Or real deep green ones? Stupid, you and Shorty start singing loud. We gotta cover up the noise!"
"I got on white,"Xander shouted frantically as he looked at Spike."Now what?"
"Take them off! And dip them in the guacamole! Wolf-boy, help me look for green or white socks!"Spike ordered as he started rummaging through the closets. Frantically, Oz opened all of Hank's drawers to look for socks.
"I'll take care of the window!"Giles shouted as he frantically unhooked the drapes. And then started to smash a couple of empty bottles as quietly as he could.”There that should do it.”
Whistler started bellowing out a song with Angel accompanying him."I close my~ eyes~.... Only for a mo~ment and then a moment's gone...Dust in the wind~ All we are is Dust in the wind~"
Stopping his search, Spike glared at the two wankers."Change the fucking station!"
"Her dad's got pair of forest green ones,"Oz announced as he threw them at Spike.
Spike caught them and dunked them in the nacho dip. Then wrapped it inside out with Xander's socks and lifted it triumphantly. It was a deep green and pear-shaped pair of wrapped socks."Aha! Fake Hank the Artichoke!"
"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small small world!" Angel sang loudly, while Whistler shook his head in despair of Angel's choice of song.”It’s~ a small world after all~! It’s a small world-”
Stunned at Angel’s new choice, Spike glared at him."You're such a bloody poof!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Faith and Buffy stopped suddenly. Faith looked at her friend, confused."What the hell is that?"
"Who the hell is singing in the hotel at this hour?"Cordelia demanded breathlessly. ”And why are they singing Disney? Or was it? It stopped.”
"Dunno, but it's coming from vicinity of Dad's room!"Buffy shouted as she started to run again.”And they just started singing again!”
"Where on earth does she get all this energy?"Nana Bethie demanded as she followed her great-granddaughter.
"She was on a sugar rush before,"Willow said as she helped the older woman along.
"My question is: why is someone singing Meatloaf at 2 a.m.?"Amy asked in bewilderment. Aunts Wynn and Yvette shrugged as they looked at each other.
Rhiannon shrugged as she followed her younger cousin."Maybe they're hungry?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Fuck you, Spike,"Angel shouted back. Then he thought again and then started to sing again. Loudly."It was a hot summer night and the beach was burning~. There was fog crawling over the sand~."
"Hey, finally a decent song that I know,"Whistler shouted happily as he joined in."When I listen to your heart I hear the whole world turning~.I see the shooting stars~ *FALL-ING*-through-your-trembling-hands~! Angel! You're getting fucking horny again!"
"It's a permanent condition! Just sing the damn song before we get dusted,"Angel ordered as he shifted himself a bit. Then he bellowed out the next lines."You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining~! I was dying just for a taste~!"
"That is NOT going to fool Buffy when she looks at it up close," declared Xander as he squinted at it."Hey, I know this song! You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining~! I was dying just for a taste~!"
"Then we keep Buffy away from it,"Giles snapped as he grabbed the socks and stuffed it under the covers."Now everyone sit on the bed and DO NOT let Buffy get a good look at our pseudo Hank. Oz, start singing that song Angel and Whistler are singing! What the hell are they singing anyway?"
"Meatloaf.'You Took the Words Right Out of my Mouth',"Oz said as he joined in and sat at the foot of the bed."We were lying together in a sil~ver lining, By the light of the moon~*YOU know there's NOT another mo~ment*, NOT another moment, NOT another MO~MENT TO WASTE!"
"Hey, I know this song!"Spike said as he joined in badly."You hold me so close that my knees grow weak~. But my soul is flying high above the ground~.I'm trying to speak, but *No matter what I do~* I-JUST-CAN'T-SEEM-TO-MAKE-ANY-SOUND~..."
Giles shook his head."Bloody hell. I'll just hum."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Reaching her father's room first, and hearing the loud and badly sung song, Buffy pounded on the door and it crashed open. She raced in, and came in with a sudden stop."What the hell-oof!"
Faith, not stopping herself in time, rammed into her friend, causing both of them to lurch forward into the room as the people behind them with less control of their reflexes shoved them into the room."What the fuck's-oof!"
Swaying to their off-beat voices, the men sang the chorus louder as sweat trickled down their backs."AND THEN YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH~! OHHH! IT MUST HAVE BEEN WHILE YOU WERE KISSING ME! YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH~! AND I SWEAR IT'S TRUE! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY I LOVE YOU~!"
Then in a high pitched voice, Whistler and Xander squealed the chorus."I LO~VE YOU! Ooo~oo!"
Buffy stared at her enemy, friends, mentor and fiance. They were all sitting on her father's bed, swaying. Their arms were linked around each other's waists. And they were singing. A Meatloaf song. Loudly. Badly. With the exception of Giles. He was humming. Loudly. To the national anthem of Great Britain? "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!? WHY ARE YOU SINGING MEATLOAF? AND WHY IS GILES HUMMING 'OH BRITANNICA'?"
All the men stopped singing and grinned drunkenly at her. Then Giles gave her a stern look and lifted a finger to his lips. "Shush! The vegetable is sleeping!"
Buffy's jaw dropped."WHAT?"
"He said: 'Shush! The vegetable is sleeping!', Slayer,"Spike said in a loud whisper."What part of that don't you understand?"
Joyce breathlessly marched into the room."Rupert. Liam. What is going on here? Why are you and everyone else in Hank's room?"
"We're singing,"Angel said simply."We're singing a song. Isn't that right, guys?"
The men all nodded drunkenly. Xander then shouted,"And we're singing bloody great, too!"
"Alexander Levelle Harris! What are you doing?"Cordelia shouted as she marched up to him. The she got a good whiff of him."And WHAT have you been eating? AND DRINKING?"
Whistler grinned stupidly at her."Man stuff. Celebrating men stuff. Which you wouldn't know 'cause you're a woman."
"Buffy, look. They're plastered,"Faith said as she pointed at a corner of the room. "Two open cases of the finest tequila, a couple of broken bottles. A plate of nachoes, wings, linguine and french fries."
Willow looked at the mess."Oh, my God. Oz, you guys drank all of this? These entire cases?"
"We were toasting,"Xander said blandly."Need drinks to toast. even toasted to Oz going to be a daddy wolf."
Willow's jaw dropped. Buffy shook her head."But WHY are you here in my Dad's room?"
Oz gave Buffy a grin so wide, she blinked."So that you wouldn't find us. And so we could include your dad in the male bonding ritual. And to sing him a lullaby. Right, guys?"
"Right,"they said in unison. Buffy blinked again when they all looked up at her and grinned again.
She still didn't look convinced. Xander dimpled at her."Oh, Woe to be a vegetable! How noble is the green and savage leaf! Bubble, bubble, toil and-and-and-To go where no artichoke has gone before where angels fear to tread! We must go forth and multiply the artichoke! To go and soothe the savage vegetable."
"What the hell are you trying to say, Xander?"Cordelia demanded, totally confused. Xander's face fell, and his head was promptly slapped upside his head by Angel's long reach.
Aunt Wynn bit her lip."I think he was trying to quote the Bard but ended up with Star Trek and a very badly slaughtered slaying, my dear."
Amy looked at Buffy warily."Buffy, I think that they're all plastered totally. You're not going to get a straight answer from any of these guys right now."
"Then let's move them all into their own rooms,"Buffy sighed, then stared."What are you guys doing?"
The moment she spoke, Giles grabbed the headboard and then linked an arm with Whistler who had linked with Spike who linked with Angel who linked with Oz who linked with Xander. They all looked at Buffy and shook their collective heads."NO!!"
"What?"
"We're staying here to get more drunk,"Whistler announced."It's our right and privilege as best men to get Angel drunk."
"And it's our right as males to get drunk with him,"Giles said with a determined nod.
"And to keep your father company for this trying time as an artichoke,"Spike announced loftily.
"And to get Giles drunk so that he can tell us some more rebellious secrets!"Xander shouted happily. Then was promptly slapped in the head again by Angel and then Oz.
"And so I can get drunk with my male buds,"Angel declared with a nod."And get to know my father-in-law. So we're staying here!"
Buffy's jaw dropped."What? You guys just can't stay here!"
The collection of male jaws set stubbornly. Forcing herself through the small crowd, Nana Bethie looked at the men, then looked at the bed.
Her eyebrow lifted slightly when they all leaned back to meet her gaze, and blocked her view of the small lump on the bed. She then turned to look at Buffy."I think, Elizabeth, that we best leave them here or else there would be more of a commotion."
"But Nana!"Buffy protested."They can't just stay here!"
"Why not?"
"Because!"
"Yes?"
"Because they can't!"Buffy shouted frustrated."They're going to do something to my father if they stay here, I know it!"
Nana Bethie scowled at her great-granddaughter."Elizabeth, if they were going to do something to your father, they would have done it by now."
Buffy stared at her great-grandmother in horror. Then Nana Bethie pointed at the barley seen lump on the bed."As it is, there's a lump there that *should* prove that nothing is amiss."
"But NANA!"Buffy started to argue."I *still* think-"
Spike scowled and lifted his finger to his lips."Shush! The vegetable is sleeping!"
"Yeah, Buffy! You're waking the vegetables up!"Xander shouted. Then he was promptly and loudly shushed by Oz and Angel. Amy, Cordelia and Willow started laughing as Buffy stared at them.
As her cousins in the hall started laughing, Joyce snickered before she caught her daughter's baleful look."Sorry, honey. But you had just better leave them all here to sleep it off."
Faith, Amy and Joyce started to leave the room. With Willow leading the confused Slayer out."It's better to let the men play like men. Sometimes. That's what makes them men."
"Yeah, Buffy,"Cordelia said as she rolled her eyes and started to leave the room. "Even I can tell when Xander is too plastered to get it up for me."
Scowling, Xander was about to say something when he was yanked back into the bed by Spike, and then his mouth forcefully covered by Oz and Angel.
Nana Bethie waited as most of the women cleared the room. More importantly, she waited until her great-granddaughter was out of hearing range before she turned around to look at them."Find him before morning. Or else Elizabeth will be very upset with all of you when she checks to see if he has...reverted back to his normal and annoying self."
Giles cleared his throat."Ah, Nana Bethie? Do you have any idea where Angel threw him?"
Standing at the door, Nana Bethie grinned sweetly at the men."Not a clue. And you have less than four hours until sunrise."
When the door closed, they all slumped on the bed, groaning. Spike stared at the ceiling."God! Fuck me over!"
"No thanks,"Whistler groaned in answer."I think Angel just did that to us for Him."
*~Fin