In Search of Artichoke
Dedicated to: Paul W., Lyndy and two nameless males...
Note: Nana Bethie is Lady Atherton and she's also Buffy's great-grandmother, Elizabeth is Buffy, Joyceln is Joyce and Liam is Spike. All references of Giles and Joyce's wedding is what I am still working on. It'll be out when this Wedding Series is done! (Lord, let it be soon.) Please send feedback!
Summary: Happens right after "Vegetable Woes". The males of the Scooby gang have until dawn, which is in 4 hours, to find Buffy's father. Who is now an artichoke.
Title: In Search of an Artichoke
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"There ain't nobody that's gonna come out of here,"grumbled a vampire as he walked beside his comrades."Who's bright idea was it to come to the beach? Just because there's a resort near here doesn't mean that the guests are gonna be stupid enough to walk at night."
"Think it was Sid's idea, Al,"snorted another vampire."He's always wanting to go to the beach ever since he saw and ate that pair of sweethearts."
Sid slammed his fist into his friend's head."Shut up, Pete. Fine, there's no one here and on a clear night like this, shit. Fine. Let's go to Willie's."
"Now you're talking blood,"Al commented happily as he kicked some sand away."Last one to Willie's a used human!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As the artichoke sailed through the night air with a whistle, the waves of the ocean crashed on the nearby beach. The trio of vampires raced through the sand laughing and taunting each other on who was the slowest.
As Sid turned to taunt his slow friends, something hard smacked him on the head, and forcefully threw him dead to the ground. "What hit me?"
"Hey, Sid! Sid! You all right, guy? What made you go down like that?" shouted Al who helped his friend stand unsteadily on his feet."We heard a pop and then you were down!"
"What the fuck was that hit me?"Sid demanded again as he shook his head."I don't smell any humans around. You guys were behind me when I went down, so what the fuck smacked me?"
Pete looked to the sand, and a small dark rock with the scent of blood caught his eye."I think it was this-this vegetable that did it, Sid. But there's nobody around here to throw the damn thing."
Sid eyed the small green thing that smacked him to the ground, then snatched from Pete's hand."If I find out who threw this, they are going to be my meal after I torture them."
With that said, Sid threw the artichoke in the vicinity of the resort. Then faced his friends with a grin."Off to Willie's!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Giles stood unsteadily to his feet."Right, we have less than four hours to find that blasted artichoke."
"Wrong, Watcher. You five have less than four hours to find that artichoke,"Spike said as he crossed his arms."I'm not going to find that blasted thing if it's the last thing I do."
"It probably will be the last thing you do." Whistler scowled at Spike."And why the hell aren't you looking for the idiot vegetable that Smiley threw?"
"Because I don't want to,"Spike enunciated. “And I don't have to, so I won't."
"That's not a reason, Spike,"Angel growled as he poked at Spike's chest."You have to help me find my father-in-law. You were in on this party."
Spike pushed Angel back."So? You're the one that threw the idiot vegetable."
"What do you mean 'so', Spike?,"Angel roared back at him."You're helping me find the damn idiot!"
Spike roared back at him."Why? Why should I? Why should I want to find that dolt if I wanted to?"
"Actually, he does have a point, Dead Boy,"Xander said as he sat heavily down on the bed. All heads swung at him, and then they collectively rubbed them.
"What point does Spike have exactly,"Giles said as he sat heavily on the chair.
"Well, for starters,"Xander started as he counted off on his fingers."No one here particularly likes the idiot even if he is Buffy's father. He inadvertently turned us into animals last night, granted he had Ethan Rayne's help, but still. Two. He's been running Buff's mom ragged since he got here, and only stopped because Nana Bethie decked and threatened him.
Xander lifted another finger."Three. He's brought Owen the Giant 'Father Approved, Mother Hated and Daughter Once Dated' brooding ex-army goon here so that he could match up Buffy with him. Four. He's made our collective lives miserable by making Angel living in celibacy until the wedding, making Giles and Mrs.G nearly celibate, nearly getting us shot by the Frat Boys of Snake Boy.
Xander pointed to his pinky finger."Five. He's even managed to piss off the vampire community so much that there's a hunt going on for him. So that means we have to watch his idiotic ass until he leaves town. Which makes more work for us and Buffy when we could be doing more productive things, like, I dunno. Being in bed with our significant others? The only good thing he did was turn into an artichoke, but that didn't last because he insulted every last one of us until Angel threw him out the window. So he could be anywhere. So I ask again, why should we find the idiot at all?"
Giles shook his head."I-it must be the drink. Xander is making sense to me after all these years. There is an error to that line of thinking, but I can't seem to find it."
"I'm with you on that,"Angel muttered."For a strange reason, Ears is making sense."
"Gee, thanks, Dead Boy. I'll make sure that this doesn't go down in the Watcher history books,"Xander snorted."So can we crash now? 'Cause the tequila's making me woozy."
Spike snorted."Then lay on the bed. Not like there's going to be a body in it now that the idiot's gone and we're not gonna search for him. Thanks to the reasons you gave."
"No, Xander's logic is making sense that's not,"Oz commented.
Spike growled at Oz."And why's that?"
"Ponder this: Nana Bethie said that Buff's gonna want to check on her father in the morning so that she can go shopping with him. Does anyone want to be around five thousand miles of her when she finds that the lump in her bed isn't her dad the artichoke but a pair of green and white socks that were dipped in guacamole?"
Silence filled the room as the men contemplated this.
"I'll see if there are any artichokes in the kitchen. Use it as a decoy until we find the real Hank the Artichoke. I can sneak in there. Come with, Oz?"
"Why not. I'll be look out. And excuse man if Scott catches us. Hey, have a thought. We can have Angel throw artichokes out the window, then we can see the general area where the idiot landed."
"Good idea. I'm going out to the balcony to see how windy it is. See if the wind is strong enough to carry the blasted idiot of a father than it should've gone."
"Does an artichoke have a particular scent? Maybe Wolf-boy and me can track it down that way. I'll see if there's a relative that knows how to do a location spell around here. Hopefully a female Carruthers would know how. Thinking the fems would be upset if they knew that the idiot was missing."
"If you can avoid it, do it. Tell Willow, Amy, Faith or Joyce if you have to, they can distract Buffy. I'll call and see if there's a way to track something that small. A few people around Sunnydale owe me favors."
"And I'll get some salt, pepper, a pot of boiling water and some cider vinegar to make him into a salad. And some ale, hears that goes well with artichoke. Then get rip-roaring drunk again."
All heads swung at Spike when he said this. Spike gestured to them defiantly."Like you asses didn't think about that when we get him back."
Grabbing Spike by the collar, Angel gritted his teeth."Spike, let's go. We're going to visit an old friend of mine that likes to tinker with electronics."
"And how the fuck do you expect to track an artichoke, Peaches?" Spike said as he struggled to get out of Angel's grip."By having it rain of artichoke from here? That's a nice bright and brooding idea. Really it is."
Angel started to drag Spike through the door, with Whistler, Oz and Xander right behind him."This friend I mentioned used to be a tracker in the army and owns some tracking stuff. He may have a tracking bug for me to use when I start throwing artichokes out the window."
"Better than having to turn the idiot into a salad."
"Yeah? Well, somebody'd had better do something about the idiot soon before he reproduces and makes more stupid people. Oh, too late. He already did that years ago. He reproduced the stupid Slayer you're going to marry."
"And that stupid Slayer is the one that's kicked your bad ass ever since you came to wonderful Sunnydale. So how's them apples? Or should I say artichokes? Now shut the hell up so we can sneak out of here."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Joyce yawned as she made her way towards her room, then her eyes widened when she saw Angel and Spike head towards her.”Angel! Liam! Is the party over?”
“Mum! Glad to see you!”Spike greeted as he gathered her up for a hug. He grinned drunkenly when he inhaled her scent of lilacs.”You’re looking good.”
“In this old robe and slippers? I think someone’s been drinking enough to see pink elephants, Liam,”Joyce laughed.”Is the singing over? Is Rupert with you?”
Spike grinned at her.”Well, now. The party’s-OW!! You pinched my arse you, fuc-I mean, ass!”
Joyce’s eyes widened then she swung her gaze at Angel’s red face. He shrugged at her. ”The party’s not over. Giles is still drinking and the boys went to get more stuff. We’ll probably be there all night.”
“Oh. I see,”Joyce said slowly.”Angel? Why did you pinch Liam’s ass?”
“Because he’s a bloody poof! A sod!”Spike snarled as he glared up at the older vampire. When he saw that his Mum was still staring at him, he quieted.”Not for your ears to hear, Mum. But I have to break it to you, Mum. I hate to say that Angel really prefers men. In fact-”
Joyce’s sleepy eyes went wide.”What?”
Angel grabbed Spike by the neck, choking him.”Didn’t Joyce EVER teach you to not to lie to her? He’s lying, Joyce. I swear he is. Tell her, Spike!”
Spike made a choking sound instead. Joyce grabbed onto Angel’s arms.“Angel! You’re hurting him!”
Angel let Spike’s neck go.”Not really. But he’s lying! Really! I LOVE Buffy! I’m NOT gay! And I-”
Joyce rubbed her temples.”And I have a headache. What are the two of you doing walking around at this hour?”
Spike grinned at her.“Well, the poof here-”
“Wanted to take a walk with Spike. Get to know what he’s been doing since last we saw him. Give him a warning about feeding on people,”Angel said brightly. ”And we have to go now before the sun comes up. Bye!”
Joyce watched wide-eyed as she saw Angel drag a cursing Spike down to the elevators. She shook her head.”I have a strange daughter, now I’m getting a strange son in law. I wonder if Rupert’s up for some hormonal relief?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xander peered into the freezer."We're in luck, there's a whole box of artichokes in here. In fact, there are several crates of them in here. Help me carry one out, Oz."
"Wait, I think I hear someone coming,"Oz said as he moved away from the freezer. He blinked when the lights came on."Hey Scott! What are you doing up?"
Scott frowned at Oz and Xander."Hey Oz. Xander. Well, with all the excitement that went on, I couldn't sleep. With Buffy's mom's family renting out the whole resort. Her family from Mother England putting strange herbs and stuff in all different wings of the resort. Paroled prisoners holding the ballroom hostage. Cases of liquor missing. All sorts of things happening. What are you doing in the kitchen, Oz?"
Crossing his fingers behind his back, Oz coughed."Well, we're kinda here because of Willow."
"Willow?"Scott asked, confused. Xander nodded frantically."Yeah, Willow made us come down here."
"Yep. Willow. See, she's pregnant and she-she-she really wants a case of, well, artichokes,"Xander stuttered.
Scott's mouth dropped open."Willow wants a case of artichokes because she's pregnant? Why?"
"Well, because, she's pregnant,"Oz coughed."Really don't know why she'd want it. Just that she does. And I read in books that the husband always caters to the whims of a pregnant wife."
Scott considered it."I heard that somewhere. But why does she need a case?"
Crossing his fingers behind him, Xander smiled weakly at him."I think it may because of Cordy. Cordy might have told her that artichokes are great for pregnant women."
"Huh? Why would Cordelia say that?"Scott asked confused."And what do artichokes have to do with pregnant women?"
"I'm not sure. I kinda zoned out on the part where she was telling Will about extract part of artichokes,"Xander said with a shrug."It was kinda-"
"Technical. Real technical, so now Willow really wants a case of artichokes,"Oz said as he pointed at the freezer."So how about it, Scott?"
Scott shrugged."I don't see why not.But a case of the stuff?"
"With Willow, it's better to have excess than less,"Oz said sagely as Scott opened the freezer."And you don't want to mess with a pregnant Willow. Or a fashion guru like Cordelia."
"Right. Need help carrying it?"Scott asked as he pointed to the cases of artichokes."Looks kinda heavy."
Oz shook his head."Nope. Got Xander here. Drafted him since it was Cordy that gave the idea to Will."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Oh, this is a bright idea. Find a Carruthers willing to help me do a location spell. Great. Wonderful. Except that most of them are asleep and the rest are ready to throw me out the nearest window. Not to mention that they can't stand the idiot,"Whistler growled as he made his way through the resort."Okay, so how the hell am I supposed to do this?"
"How the hell are you supposed to do what, Harbinger?"
Whistler spun around and let out a small scream.
"Are you through waking up the dead yet?"Nana Bethie asked him as she leaned against her suite door."I swear, you are almost as bad as that idiot Joycelyn once married."
Whistler glared at her."Hey! No need to be insulting, Beth."
"If the shoe fits, demon,"Nana Bethie yawned as Whistler glared at her again."Have you found the idiot yet?"
Whistler shook his head."Nope. Can you at least try to help us find him, Beth?"
"I not only refuse to find that idiot,"Nana Bethie said as she shook her head at him."I refuse to do anything to help you find him. You boys were the ones that lost him, now you must find him on your own."
"But Beth! It's night! How are we supposed to find a lone artichoke out there in the dark,"Whistler protested, his arms spread wide as he knelt to plead his case."A poor, defenseless, not to mention stupid and incredibly foul-mouthed artichoke that will cause several deaths if he's not found before morning."
"Harbinger-"
Whistler grabbed the hem of Nana Bethie's robe."Beth! Have mercy! At least tell me which relative of yours has a locator spell that can find the idiot! That bombshell great-granddaughter of yours would kill us if she knew that-"
"YOU LOST BUFFY'S FATHER?!?"shouted an incredulous voice. Wincing at the loud voice, Whistler turned around guiltily.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I still don't see why I should be helping you,"Spike groused as he followed Angel through the streets."You're the one that threw the idiot out the window."
Angel growled back at him."You're going to help me because three demons are better than two in finding that stupid artichoke. And because if you don't, Buffy's gonna kick our asses if we don't find him. Now shut up."
Spike ignored the older vampire's grumblings."I still don't see why that stupid father of hers had to change into an artichoke. I mean, of all things, an artichoke? How imaginative is that? Really, couldn't he have just turned into a six-pack? Or if he had to be a fruit, a watermelon at least?"
"Ask him that when he changes back,"Angel growled as he paused in front of an apartment building."I think this is the place."
Spike snorted."This had better be the place, Peaches. I refuse to go anywhere else with the sun coming up in less than four hours. By the way, what did that idiot say to you to make you throw him out the suite balcony?"
"None of your business,"Angel growled as he was about to enter the building. Spike grabbed his arm, and grinned. Angel looked down at the younger vampire's arm, then at Spike's determined look and sighed."He said that a guy like me shouldn’t be getting his grubby hands on his little Angel because she was made for better things that a lust-ridden, horny bastard that likes to run around like he was a half-witted, brooding asshole that gets into trouble.”
Spike snorted.”That was what he was implying about me and the Slayer. Said I was antsy to get into her pants and that I was after Mum as well because I was into mature and older women. Pillock. I want to kill him. Think the Slayer’d mind if we lost him? I mean, how can we find him if he’s an artichoke?”
“He’s still her dad. Asshole that he is. Let’s just get him back,”Angel sighed as he entered the building.
The two vampires never noticed the figure that was staring after them thoughtfully in the alley next to the building.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xander grunted as he held up his end of the crate of artichokes. "I think that we volunteered for the wrong job. We should have offered to do track down a location spell or at least offered to sniff out where the Vegetable Dad is."
"We could have done that,"Oz commented as he adjusted his grip on the crate. "But then we would have had to put up with the twenty thousand questions from Buffy's cousins again."
Xander winced."I guess we got the easy job then."
"Looks like it."
"As long as nothing happens to us between this floor and the artichoke's room, we'll be great."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I wonder how powerful Angel's throwing arm is,"Giles muttered to himself as he looked out the balcony, he pulled himself immediately back when he felt himself weave unsteadily a bit too close to the railing. He then turned to study the broken glass door."Think I'll stay away from the balcony for now. Now, this would glass door would undoubtedly affect the distance and the traject-oh, hello, Joyce."
Joyce frowned at her husband as she entered the room."That certainly was a lackluster greeting, Rupert."
A decided gleam entered his eye as Giles walked unsteadily towards his wife and then gathered her into his arms."It wasn't lackluster at all, love. You simply caught me in the middle of my calculations. What are you doing up so late? Shouldn’t you and the baby be in bed right now?"
"I was just going back to our room when I saw Liam and Angel walking around the hallways,"Joyce said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She tilted her head to give him better access to her neck.
"Oh, really?"Giles asked as he nibbled his way down to her throat and his hands caressed her."I hope they were all right."
Joyce shook her head from the sensual haze her husband was putting her in. He did have such nice hands."They were behaving most strangely. First, they said they were going out-oh, Rupert!"
"Joyce,"Giles breathed as he laid his wife down on the bed, and placed nibbling kisses against the lace edge of her night gown. Then he suddenly stopped and looked down at her."Think this will hurt the baby?"
Joyce laughed gently as she rolled over, taking him with her."If you're so worried about the baby, maybe I should be on top."
"Maybe you should,"Giles laughed as he pulled her head down for a kiss. When he let her go, both were breathing heavily. Then Giles smiled wickedly at her before he rolled over."Then again, maybe I should be on top."
"Maybe,"Joyce laughed as looked into her husband's dancing hazel eyes before he lowered his head to nibble on the left side of her neck. Then from the corner of her eye, she saw a lump at the head of the bed and froze."Rupert...Rupert, stop that. Rupert!"
"Ow!"Giles frowned as he rubbed his head. He looked down at his upset wife. "What's wrong? Is it the baby?"
Joyce shook her head frantically as she clutched at the ends of her robe."No, no. Let me up. We can't do this here. Not now."
"Why not?"
"Because..."
"Because why?"
Joyce pointed to where Hank Summers was. At the head of the bed."Because *he's* here and watching us."
"Hank is not here,"Giles sighed as he kissed his wife again.”We can do this here. Now.”
Joyce tore her mouth from her husband’s and looked at him suspiciously.”What do you mean that Hank is not here? Rupert, stop that. He’s right there. Rupert! Stop that! Rupert!”
Giles lifted his head from her chest and sighed as he rolled over, bringing her on top of him again.”Yes, love?”
“What do you mean that Hank is not here?”Joyce demanded as she sat astride on her husband’s stomach. She pointed at the lump on the pillow.”He’s right there. Still an artichoke. Unless-”
Sitting up quickly, Giles grabbed her hand as she reached over to uncover the pseudo-Hank.”Darling, Hank is not Hank. He is an artichoke. Therefore he is not Hank, and cannot hear us when we make love. And I can especially assure you that he can’t hear you when you scream out your-”
“Rupert!”Joyce cried as she brought her fingers to his mouth, closing it.”You know that I can’t-not with him here even if he is an artichoke-he could watch or hear us and I don’t want him to-it’s embarrassing!”
“Understood,”sighed Giles as he kissed her fingers. With a sigh, Joyce rolled off her husband, then gave a startled squeak when he lifted her into his arms.”But, I doubt that the bloody pillock can hear us in the bath.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Willie’s was nearly empty as a vampire rushed in,frantically searching for his companions.”Sid!”
“Sid! Hey Sid!” shouted a vampire as he raced towards a booth in Willie’s.”SID!”
“What?!?”Sid shouted back as he gulped down his high grade pint of blood.
The vampire panted as he rushed over to his friend.”Sid...you know that vegetable that hit you before? That artichoke? The one that you threw in the woods? Near that resort place? Yo, Pete.”
Pete nodded as Sid scowled.”Yeah? What about it?”
“Well, I just found out why,”the vampire stated proudly as he thumped his chest.”I was doing the eavesdropping thing when I heard the Spike and Pretty-boy talking.”
Sid scowled at his friend.”So what about it, Al? What were Spike and Angel talking about?”
“Well, can I get a drink first?”Al asked. Sid gave him the rest of his mug, which Al gulped down quickly.”The artichoke’s really the Slayer’s father and Angel was the one that threw him out the window because he doesn’t want Angel to marry his daughter. Then Spike said he really doesn’t want to find the artichoke because he hates him, but Angel said they’d better else the Slayer’d get pissed off at them.”
Sid looked at Al thoughtfully.”The artichoke is really the Slayer’s father.”
“Yup.”
“And the Slayer’s attached to her father.”
“That’s right.”
“And Angel was the one that threw him out the window.”
“You got it.”
“Now they’re trying to find that artichoke.”
Al looked at his friend warily, then looked at Pete who was staring at Al. Finally Pete spoke up.“You’re not really planning to find that artichoke are you? It’s gonna be dawn in three hours! It’ll be a needle in hell to find it.”
Sid smiled slowly.”Yeah, but we have the edge. We know that forest. We know that I got my blood on the artichoke. AND we have the incentive.”
Pete growled.”And the incentive is what? To get kissed by sunlight? Spiked by the Master Slayer? Tortured by Pretty-boy? Whammied by the Slayer? That’s real incentive right there.”
“No, stupid,”Sid snorted.”Think for a minute. We find that artichoke which is the Slayer’s dad, and we get the upper hand on the Slayer and all the vamps around here. We get to be the Masters of the Hellmouth, ‘cause the Slayer’d want her dad back in one piece and not as a salad. She’ll do anything to keep him safe. Even fight our own battles for us.”
Pete looked at his friend wide-eyed.“Wow, Sid. That sounds so...so...STUPID!! You don’t think that the Slayer would nail us with her stakes if we tried doing that? What kind of blood have you been drinking?!? A junkie’s?!?”
“The best kind!”Sid shouted back as he brought his friend’s face up to his.”The one that makes or breaks a vampire. The one that declares him Master! You with me or do I have to stake you?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“What the HELL did you guys do?”Faith shouted as she took a threatening step towards Whistler.
Her hands tightly clenched, Amy marched up to the cowering Whistler as she demanded,”Tell me that I didn’t hear what I just heard.“
“What did the two of you hear?”Whistler squeaked as he got up and ran behind Nana Bethie. The great-grandmother merely sighed as she stepped away from him, then was amused when he followed her.
Faith pointed at him.”That you guys lost Buffy’s father.”
“Oh, that,”Whistler said as he gave the two girls a weak smile.”Well, we didn’t really loose him. We just sort of misplaced him.”
Nana Bethie snorted.”Oh, yes, Harbinger. You boys misplaced him by throwing him out the window. That’s not losing him at all.”
“YOU THREW HIM OUT THE WINDOW?!?”Faith and Amy both shouted incredulously. Whistler winced as he heard their loud voices, then made frantic shushing motions.
“Quiet! You’ll wake up this wing!”Whistler hissed at them.” And it wasn’t *me* that threw the idiot out the window! It was Angel!”
Her jaw on the ground, Amy stared at the demon.”ANGEL threw Buffy’s father out the WINDOW?”
A door opened to reveal a sleepily looking Aaron Carruthers.”What on earth is going on out here? What is all the racket? Why are you three still up? Mother?”
“Yes, what is going on here?”demanded a sleepy looking Nathaniel Carruthers. ”And why are you talking about angels and windows?”
“Oh, nothing! Go back to bed!”Amy said hastily.”We’re just, ah-talking and Whistler was-was telling us about, um-”
Smiling wickedly, Faith grinned at Buffy’s great uncle.”Whistler was telling us about the great blow job he had out from a window by a little angel.”
Amy let out a strangled sound when a deafening silence filled the hallway.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spike looked skeptically at the little things in his hand.”What the fuck are supposed to do with these little things?”
“You’re supposed to attach them to the artichokes,”Angel said as he snatched them from him. Spike then snatched the other instrument from Angel’s hand, then shook it.
“And this thing is supposed to track it?”Spike snorted in disbelief as he shook the rectangular thing again.”Looks like that tv box on that old show Ears likes to watch. The one that the giant leprechaun uses.”
“Spock’s tricorder? I guess it looks like something like that,”Angel snorted as he took back the instrument.”And before you ask, the can of paint is glow in the dark. It should help us find the idiot.”
Spike snorted.”Whatever. Seems to me that we’re doing a lot of work in trying to find an idiot we don’t even want to be found.”
Angel sighed.”Yeah. Come on, let’s get back to the hotel. We have less than three hours to find the idiot.”
Spike sighed as he opened the car.”Fine. But I bloody don’t think that those things will help us find the blooming idiot. And I still don’t see why I have to help you find him.”
“Shitty karma,”Angel shrugged as he studied with the bugs and their tracker.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“We’re almost there,”Xander panted as he sat on the crate of artichokes.”One more floor to go.”
Letting out a breath, Oz sat down next to him.“Tell me again why we weren’t supposed to take the elevator?”
“Because Buffy’s cousins Noah, Lemuel and Grand-Uncle Benjamin nearly caught us when we were trying for the elevator,”Xander wheezed as he wiped his forehead.”I think I lost my lungs back on the fourth floor.”
“I know I did,”Oz commented. Then he looked at Xander.”Why did they put the idiot on the sixth floor again?”
Xander waved his hand again.”Something about him being sandwiched between Carruthers so that he won’t make any trouble.”
“Oh, yeah. Too bad it didn’t work,”Oz said as he rose.”Ready?”
Xander sighed as he made a big production of getting up.”Not really. But I don’t see why not?”
Oz grunted as he hefted his side of the crate.”Look at it this way, if the idiot makes anymore trouble we could always feed him to the vampires.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“I beg your pardon?”Uncle Aaron asked Faith cautiously, fully awake now.”Did you just say that Angel gave-”
Amy and Faith let out strangled sounds as Whistler made frantic negative motions. ”ANGEL didn’t do anything! It was different person that looked like-It was a she not a he-but I haven’t-I mean she wasn’t-it wasn’t-I mean-”
“You mean to say that there was an angel that gave you a blow job through the window, but it wasn’t Angel?”Nathaniel asked with awful politeness.”Is that it? It was a different angel?”
Whistler let out a strangled sound.Her hazel eyes twinkling, Nana Bethie crossed her arms. ”Would you like to answer that, Harbinger?”
“No! It wasn’t Angel! And Faith made this whole thing up about the window and blow job, now good night and good bye!”Whistler shouted as he fled down the hall, Amy right on his heels. Faith waved cheerfully at Buffy’s relatives as she ran after the annoying little demon.
As Nathaniel chuckled, Aaron looked at his mother.”What was that all about?”
“It was about, actually, Angel and an artichoke,”Nana Bethie sighed. She looked at her son and great-grandson’s confused look.”You’ll see in the morning. Good-night children.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Sid stood on the spot where he was knocked out by the artichoke, he looked around the beach.”I think I was here when I threw it. That way.”
“Looks good to me, you threw it near the resort,”Pete said as he pointed.”About there, that way.”
Al smiled.”And best thing is, I don’t think that Spike or Angel know where he is.”
“Great. Let’s get going,”Sid said.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Was this a drunk male thing?”Faith demanded as she followed Whistler down the hall.”So what were you doing with her dad? Playing catch with him? Throwing him like a baseball?”
Whistler glared at the Slayer.”I can’t believe that you just did that! And WE weren’t doing anything with him! It was all HIS fault! Not OURS! We didn’t insult him! He insulted us!”
“Angel insulted you guys, and that’s why he threw Buffy’s father out the window?”Amy asked, confused.”That makes sense if you’re a mental demon.”
Faith looked at Amy.”Or a perverted horny one.”
“That, too,”Amy agreed. The two roommates looked at each other and then started snickering.
Whistler glared at the two.”No! NO! HANK insulted us! THEN Angel got him and made him mad, so then ANGEL threw him out the window!”
Faith looked at Whistler skeptically.“The *idiot* was the one that insulted you boys? And that’s why Angel threw him out the window.”
“That’s it,”Whistler said as he crossed his arms.
Faith crossed her arms and looked at him.”Last I saw, artichokes didn’t have mouths. How much tequila have you boys had?”
“It wasn’t the tequila! It was the IDIOT!”Whistler shouted.”HE INSULTED ME! BADLY!”
Amy yawned.”So what did he call you?”
Whistler sulked.“He called me a no account, tasteless little prick that was probably after anything in a skirt.”
Faith shrugged.”And you were insulted by this? Why?”
“What do you mean why?”Whistler demanded, his fists clenched.
Amy coughed.”Well, you ARE a no account, tasteless little prick that’s after anything with a skirt. The idiot might be an idiot, but when he’s right, he’s right.”
Whistler glare at her.”But there was no reason to be nasty about it!”
Amy shook her head.”Anyway, I didn’t know that Angel was so suicidal to throw Buffy’s dad out the window. No wonder you need to find the body.”
“What body? We just have to find him before he changes back from an artichoke, and I need a witch to do a locator spell,”Whistler said, confused.
Faith shook her head.”Okay. Now I think you boys were *definitely* hitting the tequila a *little* too hard. And I will repeat, last I saw, artichokes don’t have mouths.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how he did it either, but he managed to insult all of us. With the exception of Wolf-boy,”Whistler glared at her.”That’s why Angel threw him out the window. And now YOU owe me, Faith.”
Scowling at him, Faith crossed her arms.”I owe you jack!”
Whistler poked at her.”You OWE me! I was supposed to ask a CARRUTHERS for a locator spell, and now that you’ve wised off, I can’t ask one for help!”
“We should tell Buffy,”Faith decided as she started towards Buffy’s floor. Amy nodded in agreement.
Whistler grabbed Faith’s hand and twirled her around.”NO! She’d stake all of us in a second! AND we can’t tell Willow ‘cause she can’t keep nothing from Bombshell and the Beauty Queen will, well, I have no idea, but you can’t tell her! AND I NEED A LOCATOR SPELL!”
“You’re whining, Whistler,”Faith sighed as she rolled her eyes.”Fine, then. Mum’s the word. Amy, do you know-”
Amy sighed as she nodded.“I know a locator spell. But I still think we should get the others.”
“You do know a spell?”Whistler yelped in amazement. When Amy nodded, Whistler let out a scream of delight before he grabbed the young witch and kissed her fully on the lips. “Come on. Let’s go back to the idiot’s room and find him! And, remember! Not a WORD to Buffy, Joyce, Willow or Cordelia!”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*