Vegetable Woes
Dedicated to: Paul W., Lyndy and two nameless males...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy looked at her father worriedly."I'm not sure that this is the right thing to do, Mom."
"It's the only thing to do, honey,"Joyce sighed as she tried to reassure her daughter."Actually, it's the only thing we can do for your father."
Willow placed an arm around her friend."Buffy, it's not so bad. The air conditioning is on at full blast so that he won't wilt. And the grounds are protected by your family's magic spells."
"Yeah, and he's covered so that when the stuff he ate wears off, he'll be in the privacy of his own room,"Faith said as she shrugged."I mean, look at him. He's on his own bed."
"And besides, we can put a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the knob so that the cleaning lady won't come in,"Cordeila offered."I mean, cleaning woman sees a rotting artichoke on the bed, she's liable to throw it out, right?"
Buffy gaped at Cordelia horrified."What?!?"
Amy nudged Cordelia aside."Buffy, look. See, I'm putting your dad under the covers, he's covered. Cleaning lady,if she does come in even with the sign there won't throw him out, because the bed would already be neatly made. Dad's safe from her."
"The A/C is on, so the room's cold, he won't wilt. The grounds protect him from vampires through spells, and he'll be back to normal for the wedding,"Willow said reassuringly."See, all is cool for him. Literally. Now can we get back to your party even though it was nearly ruined by the Frat Boys of Machida?"
Buffy sighed with resignation."Fine...I guess that I can leave Dad alone for a few hours..."
"That's the spirit, honey,"Joyce said enthusiastically."Now let's go before your cousins make Angel wet his pants."
Nana Bethie entered the room."Is the idiot all settled to your satisfaction, Elizabeth?"
"I guess so, Nana,"Buffy groused as she walked over to her nana.
Nana Bethie nodded with approval."Good. Now let us go back to your party. I do believe that you cousins are not behaving towards your young man and Rupert, since you both are not there."
Buffy rolled her eyes as she rushed out the door. As the women filed out the room, Nana Bethie sighed."Only that idiot would be the one to turn into a literal vegetable at this late date."
Buffy scowled at her grandmother."It wasn't Dad's fault that he turned into an artichoke, Nana."
"I beg to differ, my dear Elizabeth. Only an idiot would turn into a vegetable in the face of danger, and stay that way in order to be the dip of the wedding,"Nana Bethie said dryly.
Buffy was about to say something, when Joyce cleared her throat loudly."So is it all settled? Everyone like their rooms in the resort? And are prepared for the wedding?"
"As long as Buffy's dad is an artichoke, what could possibly go wrong?"Cordelia shrugged.
"Cordelia! You just jinxed us!"Amy shouted.
Cordelia rolled her eyes."Oh, please! How much trouble can an artichoke get into? Duh?"
*****
Angel smiled slightly as he was surrounded by his inquisitors. There was no help in sight, in fact, as far as he could see, he was alone."What was that question again? I wasn't sure that I heard you correctly. And I'm sure that I never got your name, ah, Mrs.Carruthers."
The brown haired woman sighed gustily as she rolled her grey eyes."The name is cousin Deanna. I asked if you had any other mortal lovers other than Elizabeth, Angel. Is that so difficult to answer?"
"Deanna! Are you sure that you want him to kiss and tell? That's not the type of question you ask him,"scolded another woman with silver and black hair."And at his first meeting of us as well!"
Angel gave a small prayer of thanks. His rescuer looked at him apologetically. “So sorry, Angel, but she's a psychologist and amateur historian. She's trying to see if you have the same mentality as when you were turned. I am cousin Raphaela."
Angel forced a smile."I see."
Raphaela sipped her wine."Now, I am a practicing sorceress. Was there any spell cast upon you to allow you to have children with our Elizabeth?
Angel gulped as he forced a smile. Where was Buffy when he really needed her?
*****
"I am not quite sure that I should answer that question at this moment, Lord Carruthers,"Giles said slowly as he fiddled with his glasses. He looked at the unrelenting faces of the men that were surrounding him. Where on earth was Joyce?
"Uncle Aaron,"the man corrected."I really think that you should, seeing that you have already made our little Joyceln with child."
"Indeed, I agree with you Aaron,"said Joyce's Uncle Benjamin."I would like to know the answer as well. So, out with it, Nephew Rupert. How do you feel about the fact that your and Joyce's child might be absolutely Americanized? Like Elizabeth is because of that idiot?"
"Well, Joyce is an American as well,"Giles hedged. Then cringed inwardly as Uncle David shot him scathing look."But she has retained some of her, ah, English upbringing."
"And you are an Englishman,"Uncle David said calmly."Which is good. The idiot never really liked to see us, though he liked to us our name as connections in order to make his business grow. But that still does not answer our question..."
"Well, I for one am not interested in that question,"said Wynn as she approached the small group."My interest lies in the trial that the Council of Watchers had a few years ago because he had married Joyceln."
Uncle Aaron nodded."Ah, yes. I remember that trial. Yes, I am interested in that as well...since we were unable to attend, tell me your version of what had happened, Rupert. And please leave out no parts..."
Giles smiled wanly at the man. He really didn't want to go through that most terrifying part of his life. Where was Joyce when he really needed her?
*****
"So you are Spike?"asked a voice. Spike turned to growl at the petite woman with the red hair in a fancy twist. The woman ignored it as she sipped her wine."Well, are you?"
Spike sighed inwardly. He may not be able to eat any of these bunch of aristos, but he sure can be rude to them."Yeah, so what of it?"
"Good. I have a few questions to ask you,"she said calmly."I am Joyce’s cousin Victoria. Now, I am an agent with Interpol. I manage a part of the archives. Is there anything that I should know about the crimes that you may or may not have committed when you left the Hellmouth a few years ago?"
"Why the bloody hell should you care?"Spike snarled at her. Another woman walked up and smirked at him. Spike recognized her instantly. She was at the dumb trial that the Watcher was on for marrying Mum."I bloody well know you! You're the toff that yelled at Tweed's wedding trial! Then turned Travers into that-that small crab thing!"
"It was a crayfish,Spike,"the woman said amused."I am cousin Raphaela. And I suggest that you answer Victoria's question."
Spike scowled at her."Why?"
"Because she is far more powerful than I. Not only is she the head of Interpol's archives, she actually has the power to turn vampires into worms,"Raphaela said as she sipped her wine."And I know that Joyceln told you not to hurt us, but she never demanded such a promise from us."
Spike growled as he thought of the unfairness of it all."What do you want to know?"
*****
"So, Harbinger, you are here as a best man to Elizabeth's wedding. I think that very nice, indeed,"said a jovial voice.
Whistler stifled a groan as he turned around. He had just shook off a bunch of perfumed interrogators, he was not in the mood to face another bunch."Yeah, so what's it to you? And who are you and what's your schtick? You're all beginning to look alike to me. All blonde, tanned and big. Feels like I'm in a California tanning salon."
"I am Noah,"the man replied."And my schtick is that I am a medical doctor with an interest in he classification of demons. Mainly because I am a shaman as well."
Whistler snorted."Great, another magical poke and prodder. What do you want to know? What kind of demon I am?"
"Actually, I was wondering what you could tell me of your first meeting with Angel, but if you wish to talk about your demonic classification, we can do that. And I know that there are several of us that would be interested in this,"Noah said calmly."In fact, I know that several of my cousins are willing to do a dissection on you if you were willing. No? Oh, well. Let me call them anyway."
Whistler groaned as Cousin Noah called in the reinforcements.
*****
Oz gave his characteristic look of dismay, which was like his usual look of nonchalance. “Can you repeat that question again, Cousin Melody?"
"What do you do to call to your mate as a werewolf?"Melody repeated patiently."Has she cast any spells to protect herself from harm when the two of you mate in that form?"
Oz's eyes widened slightly."Willow and I have never, uh, mated in any of my wolf forms. And I don't call her while in a cage."
"Indeed, how odd. She never once heard your call for her,"Melody said amazed."Most unusual. Are you sure that you have mated with her, young man?"
"Uh, well, I'm at a loss here,"Oz said slowly as he fidgeted a bit."What do you mean by 'mated', exactly?"
Melody gave him an amused smile."It mean exactly what you think it means. To have sex with your mate. I ask because I have a were-form myself. I turn into a lioness every new moon. And there are other cousins here that can turn into other were-forms. Not the male Carruthers, though. Only the females."
"But enough of this talk, Melody,"said a deep voice. Oz looked up to see Cousin Nathan give him a bland smile."He would ask you these things tomorrow. I wish to ask him about Angel's dealings with Elizabeth."
Oz smiled wanly."Great. Another session."
*****
Xander hid behind a bunch of wall plants as he looked at the festivities going on around him. He made it no secret to any of the guys when they eyed him to come over, he was so *not* going to be interrogated, studied or analyzed anymore. And he sure as *hell* wasn't going to answer any more questions about his long standing relationship with Buffy. They'd have to drag him away from this plant before he was-"Hello there! You're Xander, are you not?"
Jumping up in the air, Xander yelped aloud as he looked at the older woman that snuck up behind him. He landed badly on his ankle, and thus fell on the floor."Ow!"
"Oh, dear. I never meant to scare you that badly,"the woman said as she knelt down. Xander grabbed his leg away from her, and yelped again.
*****
Giles's ears perked up when he heard that familiar yelp."Uh, I have to go, sirs! Sounds like Xander has hurt himself again. So sorry-excuse me please!"
Aaron watched as Giles scurried away towards the boy. As well as other male friends of Elizabeth. He turned to his brother."Well, David, how fast was he when he escaped us?"
"I counted twelve minutes,"David said as he took out a small paper and wrote it down.
Benjamin looked at his watch."I thought it was fourteen."
"Let's be generous and make it thirteen to even it out then. Who shall we corner next?"David shrugged.
Wynn sipped her wine."Who has the most minutes now?"
"Hard to say, the small Oz fellow, Angel, and strangely enough, Spike, all seem to be even, with Rupert in the lead, but not by much,"David said as he placed the paper back into pocket.
"Think they'll head out the door now?"Benjamin asked as he munched on an olive from his martini.
Aaron snorted."Not bloody likely. They'll do it approximately twenty minutes after they get that boy up. Who's the running favorite on who would leave the room first?"
"I believe it was Rupert, Grandfather,"said Noah as he walked up to the small group."Shall we corner them again now?"
Aaron shook his head."No, let them deal with Laura, Yvette and the others. Should be quite interesting now."
"By the way, if the boy Xander goes out first because of his ankle, is he disqualified?"Wynn asked.
*****
Yvette looked at the poor boy that she had scared."I am so sorry. Are you hurt badly?"
"Yes, I'm in pain, a lot of pain,"Xander said meekly. As he grabbed it protectively from her.
"Xander! What's wrong? What happened?"Giles demanded as he came over to the boy.
Spike and Whistler made it right after Giles."Ears! Heard you scream like a woman, you that hurt?"
"Yeah, screamed real well, think you broke some glasses,"Whistler added as Angel and Oz came running up.
Oz looked at his business partner."Is the ankle that bad?"
"I didn't smell any blood, so the bones are fine,"Angel said as he bent down. Then he noticed the looks on everyone's faces."So sue me, I didn't have supper yet."
Xander glared at him."Then stay away from my ankle, Dead Boy!"
"Come to think about it, I'm a bit starved myself,"Spike said as he eyed Xander. Letting go of his ankle, Xander formed a cross with his two fingers.
"How about letting me have a peek at it?"said Aunt Laura."I'm a GP as well as a witch."
Xander pulled his leg close to him as he sulked."No, you people have been at me since I got here. Ow!"
Xander glared at Angel as he smiled sweetly at Laura."Don't mind him. PMS started early this month for him."
"And his hormone pills haven't been working either, he still screams like a woman,"Spike snorted. Yvette gave Spike such a look, he smirked at her just to prove that he wasn't scared.
A cousin Rebecca and Rhiannon and Aunt Zenobia came over, Laura ordered to Rebecca and Rhiannon,"I need you two to hold the young one's hands away from his ankle so that I can examine it. Poor boy is quite squeamish to pain."
Both nodded as the grabbed his hands with an iron grip."Now, don't fight, Xander, love. We're used to handling reluctant patients. We work for a state asylum, and we're healers. We'll knock you out if we have to."
Whistler and Giles stifled a laugh as he looked at Xander's defeated expression. Yvette bit her lip."I'm sure that won't be necessary now, loves."
Laura examined the ankle carefully."Well, Xander, love, all you need is a nice ice pack, then you'll be as right as rain by the time the wedding comes around. But if you want, we can heal the ankle now, but you stay off of it for a good hour."
"Think that we should get him to his room?"Oz asked innocently as he could."I mean, healing, that should really be done in private, right? It's a personal matter."
"Quite right, I always thought so,"Giles said heartily when he heard that thought."No need for the rest of you to miss this, ah, gathering. I'm sure that I can carry up Xander."
Spike piped in as he gave a wicked glance at Angel."Oh, no Watcher! This is your party, as well as Peaches's. I can carry Ears up to his room all by myself."
"I'd sooner trust you to dance in the sun than leave Screamer here in your care,"Angel sneered as he laid a protective hand on Xander's shoulder.[Like hell he was going this chance to escape slip through his fingers!]
"And no way am I letting either of you near my neck!"Xander declared. Then quieted when both vampires growled at him. He never noticed that Zenobia's hands were glowing as she touched his ankle.
[No way was he going to stay where people wanted to dissect him like a lab rat] thought Whistler as he offered."Maybe Wolf-boy and I can take him up, after all, be a shame for you to miss the fun down here."
"And you two being the best men? I think not,"Giles sniffed.[I am not going to be here a minute longer than I have to!]
Zenobia coughed as she stood."Well, there no need to take the boy anywhere now, he's all healed."
"WHAT?!?" was the collective chorus of yells.
"He's all healed,"Zenobia repeated sweetly. She bit her lip to hide her laughter at their combined looks of dismay."All he has to do is sit here for a good hour so that he would heal."
"Bloody wonderful,"Spike muttered as he downed his vodka and tonic."Ears can't even get his own accidents right so that we can leave the room."
"What was that Spike?"Yvette asked sweetly."I'm sure I hadn't heard that you wanted to leave the room because of us, did you?"
Giles smiled enthusiastically as he slapped Spike on the shoulder and shoved him towards Aunt Yvette."Oh, no! In fact, Spike was telling me how much the district of North London has changed since he was there a hundred years ago."
"How wonderful! I have been trying to get accurate information for my newest romance novel I have been trying to pen! And I know that Deanna would love to pick your mind!"tittered Aunt Yvette. She wrapped her arms around Spike and Angel."Come, dear. We shall have a long talk, you as well, Angel. I wish to know what Ireland was like when before you were turned. Did you have a fiancee back in Ireland then?"
As the two vampires were dragged away, Oz looked at Giles."That was mean. Did you have to throw Angel in there as well?"
"Try being trapped by Joyce's uncles,"Giles said through gritted teeth."And having them glare at you as they offer congratulations on her pregnancy."
Shaking his head, Whistler looked Giles."Man, hate to be in your tweed right now. Tough crowd this is."
"Harbinger! I and my cousin wish to ask you a question,"Raphaela said as she came up to him."It is about the Order of Amon and their standings."
Giles gaped at her."I know you! You were at my trial! You offered me support! And you turned Quentin into that-that purple crustacean!"
“It was a crayfish,”Raphaela sighed as she shook her head.”Why is everyone having trouble remembering that?
*****
Angel groaned as he was lead to more inquisitors. Then he eyed Buffy's ex-boyfriend in the group he was being lead to. An unholy gleam entered his eye as he looked at the boy.
"What are you up to now, Peaches?"Spike hissed at his sire when he saw the gleam in his eye. "Wanting a nice warm bite to eat?"
Angel gave the younger vampire a dismissive glance."Nope. But I am planning to get rip roaring drunk tonight."
"I'm game,"Spike said immediately."Anything to piss off these artistos and get the hell out of here."
"Then leave if you want, no one's making you stay,"called out a voice. Spike groaned as he turned to look at the annoyed Slayer.
Spike snarled at her."Did you settle your precious vegetable? Make sure he has a nice vinaigrette on the side?"
Buffy merely whacked him on the head as she went into Angel's arms. Annoyed more by the lack of response than the whack, Spike continued to taunt her."Hope no one makes him into a salad. But then I could use a little fiber in my diet!"
"You're horrible!"Buffy gasped at him."You touch my dad and I'll make sure that you fit into a vacuum cleaner!"
"You and what army, Slayer?"Spike dared to snarl at her.
*****
"Take it you know this cousin, Tweed,”Whistler said.
"Yes, yes, I do,"Giles said as he was shocked back into his manners."This is-was Raphaela Yates, a fifth generation Watcher. She helped support my-my stance when I was put to trial for marrying Joyce. And I thought that I recognized Melody Montandre, the Searcher and Amelia Gonzalez, the Archivist. They were of the few that had given me their unconditional support."
"And never were we more proud of it,"Raphaela said as she sipped her wine."A large number in the Council are a bunch of old codgers that have a bugger up their arse that should be removed as painfully as possible."
Whistler snickered at that."So tell us how you really feel about them, why don't you?"
"Tell them anything and I'll make sure to mention what powers you have to my husband, Harbinger,"Raphaela said sweetly. Whistler blanched as Xander snickered.
"Why did you never introduce yourselves to Joyce and I as family,"Giles asked curiously."It could have helped to know that we had family for allies for our marriage."
"And make it known that Cousin Joyce was related to the many and powerful Carruthers, Cousin Rupert?"Raphaela asked as she shook her head."All was not ready. Should that piece of information be known before it was supposed to, Nana Bethie predicted that disastrous results for all. We were to not engage in direct contact with Joyce at that time."
Laura sighed as she entered the conversation."It was quite a pity that Nana Bethie forbade us from attending the trial. I rather enjoyed the tale of what Raphaela did to Travers. Then the tale of what Joyce did. Nasty little toad-eater."
Giles shrugged."He was a good man once. Just caught up in theory and cared more about tradition. Caring more about the tradition of the war than the Slayers."
"It has all changed now,"Raphaela said quietly."He has just been informed that his daughter is carrying a Potential."
Giles gripped his glass."May God help him. He is a stubborn man."
"All the more reason to change for the better,"Nana Bethie said as she looked at Giles."So, you are surviving my children are you not, Rupert?"
"Of course he is, Nana,"Joyce said as she floated into Giles's arms, then kissed him soundly. Faith, Amy, Cordelia and Willow walked up as this happened, and rolled their eyes.
Xander and Oz blanched at the sight of Buffy's mom and Giles doing the kissey face thing while Whistler looked on appreciatively until Nana Bethie whacked him with her cane. Hard. Yelping, Whistler grabbed his head and glared at Beth.
His yelp of pain caused Giles and Joyce to break apart. Joyce looked at Whistler curiously while Giles noticed the collective of raised eyebrows at his way, and resisted the urge to tug on his collar."Is the idiot settled?"
"As settled as he's going to be. Hopefully he'll keep until the wedding, though I have no idea what Buffy's going to do if he's still an artichoke,"Joyce said with a shrug.
Cordelia frowned at Xander."What happened to you? This isn't a ploy to not dance with me, is it?"
Sighing as she turned away from the two, Nana Bethie looked at her granddaughter affectionately."I must go see what your uncles are up to, Joyceln. Stay with the boy. Raphaela, Laura, accompany me if you please."
"Cousins. Xander, remember to stay seated, it is an order,"Raphaela nodded then followed the older woman with Laura. As they left, Cordelia looked at Xander again and frowned. Xander smiled weakly at her.
"I just have to stay put for an hour, then I can dance,"Xander explained as he leaned against the table."Aunt Laura said so. Think that I'd deliberately miss dancing with you and have you maim me? As if!"
Cordelia thought about that."Hmm...you do have a point. all right, then what happened to you? Giles? Whistler?"
Giles shrugged as best he could, considering that he kept Joyce pinned to his side. He was *not* going to be cornered alone by her relatives for another minute."I only heard Xander, then when I turned, he was on the ground."
"Same here. Heard Ears screech then go down. Had no idea at all on what happened," Whistler said as he eyed Faith and Amy."Amy? You willing to be a cuddle buddy right now? For my protection? These Carruthers are just like Beth when she's a mood for kicking ass, real nasty. So how about it?"
Amy gave him a sweet smile."Only if you're willing to become a rat, Whistler. You game?"
"Never mind,"Whistler said hastily then glared at Faith who snorted with laughter. "So what happened, Ears? What made you scream and fall?"
"First factiod is: I did not scream or screech,"Xander said shortly."The next is: I was scared-"
"Uh, Xander? Question on the next factoid,"Willow interrupted as waved her hand at him. She winked at Oz as she asked him seriously,"When aren't you scared, Xander?"
"Very funny, Will. See me rolling on the floor with laughter," said Xander as he glared at her."Anyway, I was scared by Aunt Yvette because she snuck up from behind me then I gave a high-pitched manly bellow."
Giles coughed as he interrupted."Xander? 'A high-pitched manly bellow' from you is a scream."
"Work with me here, Giles. I don't scream,"Xander frowned as he crossed his arms."At least not often."
"Uh, got a question,"said Faith as she crossed her arms and asked him slowly, "When don't you scream, Xander?"
Cordelia giggled as Xander scowled at Faith."I don't always scream. I usually give a high-pitched manly bellow. There is a difference, Faith. Get it right."
"So you screamed,"Joyce prompted as she it her inner lip from laughing at the boy's plight."Why did Aunt Yvette sneak up from behind you?"
"Because I was hiding behind the potted plants,"Xander said peevishly. Then he caught the amused looks on his cohort's faces and sighed."All right now. All at once everybody-"
"When don't you hide Xander?"everyone chorused at once. Then broke into laughter. Xander nodded his head as the laughter started dying down.
"Yeah, yeah. Make fun of the invalid when he's down and out for the count," Xander sighed. Cordelia patted his shoulder.
"Well, I'm proud of you, honey. Really, I am,"Cordelia said sweetly. Xander perked his head up.
"Really? That's great-"
"Because you stood your ground, so to speak. And didn't run away from Aunt Yvette like a woman,"Cordelia smirked then broke into gales of laughter.
Xander rolled his eyes."I *really* should sue all of you for defamation of character."
"Except when it's all true,"Oz said blandly. Xander snorted at him. Oz shrugged."So what's on line to do next? We blow this popstand? Or we continue to be interrogated and mingle?"
Joyce smiled as she detached herself from her husband."I don't know about you kids, but I'm planning to stop a fight."
Giles followed closely behind her as the others looked to see where she was going."Joyce, wait for me."
"Think she'll stop Buffy from decking Spike in time?"Faith asked nonchalantly. “We could make a new betting pool out of it."
"Nah. No time for a new pool. So how's Buff's dad? Where'd you put him?"Xander asked as he saw Buffy's mom give Buffy an admonishing finger, then turned at Spike."Boy, Buff's mom is really rounding on the two of them. Wonder what they were arguing about that they were going to come to blows?"
"Who cares as long as they can hold the attention span of the entire family," Whistler snorted as he munched on a celery stick."Gives us a chance to have a break from the interrogation."
Faith looked at him curiously."What interrogation? What was going on while we were down here?"
"You mean what *wasn't* asked while you fems weren't down here,"Xander corrected as he shuddered."I thought I was bad at the 'Plain Speak' English. 'So, how long did you know Angel?' and 'Can you tell us if has treated Elizabeth well?'"
Oz nodded." And 'Has Angel had any other mortal lovers than Elizabeth?' and 'Does Angel brag to you about his prowess after he and Elizabeth have sex?' questions."
"I got the Los Angeles questions:What did Angel do while he lived in Los Angeles? Was he faithful to Elizabeth? Did he have a lover there?"Whistler said as he shuddered."Then one of Bombshell's cousins wanted to perform a dissection on me! Me! I felt like running for my life!"
“Too bad you didn’t agree to do it,”Faith said sweetly. Whistler glared at her.
"Another asked if I had sex with Willow while the full moon,"Oz said solemnly. Willow stared at her husband.
"And what did you answer? Who was this that asked that?"Willow demanded as she stared at her husband.
Oz's green painted ears turned red, but his face was neutral."It was Melody. She was curious. I can understand that, but only after she explained she was a were-lioness. But then again, her question didn't beat another cousin asking 'When Angel returned from Los Angeles to Elizabeth, did they stay in bed most of the time together?'. That was the worst question."
“They wouldn’t ask you that,”Willow exclaimed, after she picked up her jaw from the ground. ”Did they?”
Oz gave her one of his patented looks and Xander answered.”Yep. That was the mode of questions that the Buff’s cousins were asking. Hate to be in the G-man’s and Angel’s shoes right now. Well, maybe G-man’s, least Buff doesn’t have a junior on the way...she isn’t is she?”
Faith smiled sweetly at Xander.”Who knows?”
“I don’t want to think of it, I don’t even want to think of it,”Xander said as he shook his head violently.”It’s not so bad knowing that Oz and Will have sex, and the G-man with Buff’s mom, but to know that Angel and the Buff having sex? Giving me the willies!”
Cordelia rolled her eyes.”My hero, the screaming-do-not-think-of-sex guy.”
Pointing to the scene behind Cordelia, Faith laughed.“It‘s better than I’m-in-trouble-now guy. Or girl. Which both Spike, Angel and Buffy are in now. Let’s help pull them all apart.”
Wincing at the crash, Amy shook her head.“Why is it that every party that Buffy attends to ends up with a spot of violence?”
*****
His fists clenched, Spike stepped forward to snarl at the little Slayer who was the only one he could vent his energy on.”Want to have a gay old time of it, brat?”
“Any time, Spike,”Buffy snarled back as she threw the first punch at him. Spike ducked, caught her arm and was about to punch her when her other hand clamped over his and threw him over her shoulder. Spike landed, crashing on a table. He quickly twirled around and charged at Buffy, only to be tackled by Angel.
Angel tackled the younger vampire, and the two of them went flying into another food laden table. Spike got up first and then jumped on top of Angel, his fists flying and his face filled with glee. Angel rolled over, bringing his knee up and awkwardly decking Spike. Angel sprung up, his tuxedo covered with bits of salad, salsa, beef, chicken and hors d’oeuvres. He looked down at himself.”Great. I was supposed to keep this clean until the wedding.”
The wild punch threw Spike off Angel, Buffy seeing her opening, tackled Spike back into the ground table. Both then sprung apart, and covered with bits and pieces of food.Buffy looked down at her dress, then snarled at Spike as she attacked him again,"You ruined my dress!!"
Spike dodged her flying fists as he ducked."You did it yourself!"
Growling loudly, Angel then tackled Spike again."My bloody tuxedo is ruined!"
"Oh, this is bloody ridiculous,"Joyce muttered as she stalked over to the two vampires and her daughter. She glared at her cousins for being more interested in watching her daughter, her future son-in-law and Liam fight rather than stopping them.
Giles saw the militant look on his wife's face, and fell into the fray to try to intervene. Before she would go flying headlong into the fight."Stop! Angel! Spike! Buffy! You must stop this at once! Stop-oof!"
When Giles went down into the mashed food on the floor as a flying fist clipped him in the chin, Joyce growled,"This is *quite* enough of this."
As the other Slayerettes helped Giles up, Joyce marched over to the next table and grabbed the full punch bowl and threw it over the rolling figures of her daughter, Angel and Liam. The three sprung apart and glared at her, ready to holler when Joyce stopped them with a look."*Not a word from the three of you.* I am *extremely* angry with you three at this moment. And I am tempted to switch the lot of you!"
"Spike started it,"Buffy declared as she crossed her arms in defense."He said he was going to make Daddy into a salad!"
Leaning heavily on Cordelia and Amy, Xander snorted with laughter."Figures the idiot would be the one to start the fight, even if he is an artichoke."
Joyce glared at him, and he subsided. She glared at her daughter as she lifted her index finger to stop her defense."I don't want to hear it, Elizabeth Anne Summers. If we weren't so close to the wedding, I'd ground you."
Spike stuck his tongue out at the Slayer, then snapped it back in when his Mum glared at him. She pointed at him."And I'd spank you for starting the fight, Liam. You promised to behave."
Spike tried to look meek."I tried, didn't work to well, but I tried. least I didn't snap anyone's head off or bite them! And I was sorely tempted to, Mum. But I didn't. Even when they asked me about Angel's past lovers. Or who I killed the past hundred years. But I was good. Really I was."
"That is no excuse, Liam. You promised to behave and you didn't, young man," Joyce scolded as she wagged her finger at him.
At the same time, Buffy glared at Angel."PAST LOVERS?!? LOVERS?!? You mean that you had as in 'more than one' lover?!?"
"Not NOW, Buffy,"Angel said through gritted teeth. He *did not* like the looks he was getting from Buffy's cousins. Or Buffy's mother for that matter.
Buffy crossed her arms and glared at him."And WHEN were you going to tell me about the word lover with a plural 's' on it?"
"Buffy, that is enough,"Joyce ordered. Then she looked at Angel and gave him an accusing finger."And you Angel, you should have known better than to allow these two to fight! And to get into it! In your only tuxedo!"
Angel tried to look wounded."It was hardly my fault, Joyce, I was trying to stop it-"
"Oh, right. That was the attempt at smashing in Liam's face,"said Joyce as she crossed her arms and glared at him."And Buffy was trying to stop it as well when she went after him with a wooden table leg. Then Liam was trying to stop it when he tried to stab you with that fork after he backhanded Buffy. THEN you all had the audacity to deck Rupert!"
"Well, I'm not all that hurt, Joyce,"Giles started, then subsided when he saw her glared."Er-ah...Shutting up now."
She put her hands on her hips and glared at the three."The three of you will go up to your rooms and stay there until I figure out what to do with you. And the three of you are paying for the broken tables, too."
"Mom,"Buffy started to protest."It was-"
Spike looked at Mum in amazement."Mum, I was hardly-"
Angel gaped at her."Joyce-"
Joyce stopped them all with a motion of her hand."I don't want to hear it from the three of you. the 'No Biting, No Fighting, No Feeding' rule is in effect until the wedding."
"But we don't live here,"Buffy protested."Why do we have to follow it?"
Joyce glared at her daughter."Because we are living here until the wedding. And if that reason doesn't satisfy you: It's because I said so. Are we clear on that?"
"As crystal,"Angel muttered as he growled at Spike.
After snarling at Angel, Spike pouted like a little boy."Bloody hell. Spoiling my fun."
"Fine, but I still don't see why,"Buffy grumbled. Joyce nodded with satisfaction after she looked at the three, then caught the eyes of her daughter's friends.
Faith force a smile."I won't even have a tooth pick on me."
"I like living,"Xander said meekly, then covered Cordelia's mouth when she was about to say something."And so does Cordelia."
Amy and Willow looked at each other, then smiled at her."We don't know any spells that could change Spike into anything harmless."
Whistler coughed as he looked at the Slayer's mother."Do I have to adhere to this? I mean, I'm a demon so-oof!"
Oz smiled placatingly at Buffy's mother."He'll adhere to the rules. Conformity wiill get through to him if he wants to live to see Angel married."
Joyce nodded, then quirked an eyebrow at her husband. Giles gave her a bewildered look."Anything to stop you from jumping into a fight between them. Rule is applied."
Joyce nodded her head, then pointed at the three combatants. "Start marching. Now."
As the four left the ballroom, Oz looked at Giles."Planning on getting Angel drunk tonight. Want to come?"
Before Giles could answer, Uncle Aaron approached him."Nephew, I and my brothers wish to speak to you about this incident. What do you mean that our Joyceln has a tendedncy to get into fights?"
"I'll try to explain it the best I can, Uncle Aaron. Just if I may speak to my associates for the moment,"Giles said to the elder man politely. The older man nodded and Giles looked at the young werewolf."Sounds bloody wonderful to me. Just make it a place where they can't bloody well find us."
*****