Party Animals
******
Angel sighed as he laid in Buffy's bed...smelling her scent. If he closed his eyes and imagined hard enough, he could see her standing before him. In that little baby doll ensemble that her Aunt Laura sent. She would then come over and then whisper in his ear,"Angel...."
"Quack!" Angel's eyes shot open. He lifted his head up and looked down at the foot of the bed. It was the duck. He was staring at Angel."Quack! Quack!"
Angel's eyed beaded."You bloody duck! Get the *hell* off of Buffy's bed!"
"Quack!"the duck said defiantly."Quack! Quack!"
Coming out from the covers, Angel snarled at the duck."I said get the *hell* off her bed! The only male that's going to be on her bed is *me*! So off!"
"Quack!"the duck hissed back. Enraged, Angel charged at the duck.
*****
Nana Bethie glared at Faith as she still held Ethan tightly in her hand."Was that really necessary?"
"What? I can't have any fun?"Faith asked as she started to make a circle of white chalk."It's not like I killed the animals."
Nana Bethie sighed."Yes, but did you have to wrestle with the water buffalo?"
Faith shrugged."I just wanted to see if I could take it on. Besides, you scared off the hippo before I got a chance to."
"Look at it this way, at least she didn't allow the dingo to hump her leg, Nana,"Ethan said as he eyed Faith. Nana Bethie only rolled her eyes as she prepared the small altar with wine, candles and silver dust.
*****
Spike sighed as he scratched his stomach. He was hungry and he couldn't open the fridge. It was a lousy day so far, sure Mum covered the windows with blankets so that Peaches and him could wander about the house, but it was so *boring*. He couldn't even turn on his walkman because he couldn't press the play button hard enough. AND he was hungry.
"Ribbit!" Spike turned to where the noise came from. Then he saw it. It was the bullfrog that was either the Slayer's Blonde Idiot or Snot Idiot. And it was sitting on his bed."Ribbit! Ribbit!"
Spike thought a minute and smiled."Hello, Breakfast!"
"Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!"
*****
Joyce prayed for her life and the life of the baby she carried. Amy prayed to Hecate that she would survive. Cordelia looked at the women beside her.
“I missed and there’s no problem here,”Cordelia said as she made another wide turn down the street.
Joyce eyed Cordelia.”You nearly hit that tree. AND that alligator, Cordelia.”
“So, he’s good for shoes then,”Cordelia said as swerved again. Joyce winced and then started praying again.”But who would put a tree in the middle of the street I ask you?”
Amy glared at her.“AND you nearly ran into that elephant sitting in the road. What happened? Looking at your make-up instead of the road?”
“Amy, why don’t you join the males and turn into a rat again. And this time get it right, get eaten by a cat.”
*****
Giles peeked around the corner of the broken gate as he looked at the empty street.”Oh, good. The coast is clear. Now, how am I supposed to rescue Xander and Oz from animal control? Wait, Rupert, old man, first, how am I supposed to get into the house?”
“Never mind, first things first, get to the house,”Giles ordered himself.”Then rescue Xander and Oz.”
Giles made a run towards his home. Then ran faster when his keen ears heard screaming.
*****
Hank Summers woke up with a terrible headache. “Oh, man, what was the name of that truck that hit me? Oh, yeah, it wasn’t a truck, it was Nana’s left hook again.”
Groaning, Hank tested his jaw.”That saw some strange dream that I had... all those talking animals. Talking like Buffy’s friends. Anyway, it was all a dream. Wonder where my girls are? What the hell was that?”
Running out into the hall, Hank’s jaw dropped when he saw an animal chasing a duck down the stairs. “I’ll teach you to get on her bed!”
“Quack! Quack! Quack!”
“Come back here you bloody frog! I’m hungry!”
“Ribbit! Ribbit!”
Hank whirled to see a frog leap past his face and a raccoon chasing it. The raccoon barreled into Hank’s legs, causing Hank to fall forward onto the side chair. His head hit something furry, and it screamed.
“Hey! What in the name of the Seven Hells is going on here?” a nasal voice yelped. Hank turned his head and saw himself staring at the eyes of a nasty little brown animal.”What the hell do you think you’re doing idiot?!?”
Hank closed his eyes and shook his head.”This is not happening... This is not happening...I am dreaming...This is not happening... This is only a dream...Yeow!”
Hank grabbed his ear and stared at the weasel-like animal.”That hurt! That was real!”
“And you taste terrible! Still haven’t taken that bath yet, Dad?”
*****
Spike hollered as he collided with Angel.”Watch where’s you’re going, Stupid!”
“Screw you, Spike! I’m trying to poison the duck!”Angel hollered back at him.”Where’d he go? Where’s the frog?”
“Quack! Quack!” “Ribbit! Ribbit!”
Angel looked and saw that the frog was on the side chair that Hank and Whistler was lying on, and the duck in front of it.”Get over here, Duck! It’s between you and me!”
As Angel charged towards the duck, Spike shook his head.”Cor! My idiot sire’s sprouting out clichés now! What a bloody fool! And I see breakfast!”
The frog jumped off the chair as Spike leaped towards Hank’s feet.”Food! Food!”
Hank saw the charging raccoon and duck-billed animal, and did what any normal man would do under the circumstances, he jumped off the chair screaming and ran towards the kitchen and the dining room.
*****
As one fair-haired man with graying temples looked out the window, the man with the salt and pepper hair looked at the elderly man before him."Well, Uncle, what do you think of Sunnydale so far?"
The elderly man was quite distinguished looking with silver hair. He looked around at the near empty aeroport."It looks quite empty. Think it is because of the Hellmouth?"
"I'm not quite sure, but I do sense something is going on around here,"said the fair-haired man."I mean, take a look about, Father. There is an extra ordinary amount of domestic animals here and they seem to have trees growing in the oddest places."
"Perhaps the people of Sunnydale is extra-ordinarily fond of trees,"suggested one fellow with a cheery smile. He was young, younger than the rest."Grandfather, do you think that Mother and Aunt Laura would allow us to visit Cousin Joyceln and Elizabeth?"
"Highly doubtful that they would let us escape on our own to see them until we are settled in the resort,"sighed the elderly man."But then, again, we all have been in trouble with them before, haven't we, Benjamin?"
As the man referred to as Benjamin walked up to the rest of the party of twenty nattily dressed men, he shrugged."That we have been, David. But I think we will not get in trouble for it this time, Yvette, Laura and Rose have arranged for a limo service to take us to Joyceln's and the luggage to the resort. It seems that they are also eager to see Joyceln and Elizabeth."
"I know that I am, Grandfather,"volunteered a young man."It's a blasted relief to finally let Elizabeth know that we know who she is. Annoyed me to no end that she pretended that she didn't know how to fight when she visited."
"But admit it, Joshua, she was very inventive with the excuses she used to disappear,"said an elderly woman as she walked up. Then she chuckled."I particularly enjoyed the excuse that she made up about getting lost in Harrods. Well, the rides are ready, shall we go?"
"Yes, lets,"replied the elderly woman as she wrapped her arm around Benjamin's."And do we have the plan to keep the huge idiot safe ready?"
"Of course we do, my dear. We Carruthers are nothing if not prepared,"said Benjamin as he strolled with the rest of his family through the aeroport.
*****
Diana smiled as she danced through the streets. It was wonderful to be released from the statue, working her magicks, changing men into the true beasts they were and protecting the women. She smiled hugely as more men changed as she walked through the streets naked.
Then a flash went through her. She saw a pair of hands reaching for the statue. The one that imprisoned her. It confused her for a moment, then she realized..."What...no...no NO! I *will* *not* go back! I will NOT!"
Diana started running through the streets, not caring and not watching as men changed into beasts and women changed into plants. It only mattered that she stop the ceremony that would imprison her again. Allowing the pull of the statue to guide her, she started running faster.
*****
"Bother *my* Mum, will you?" Spike roared as he nipped at Hank's feet again. He lunged for Hank's feet again."Take advantage of her soft heart, will you? Take that you bloody idiot!"
"This is *not* happening! Not happening!"Hank shouted as he bolted over the chairs."This is a dream! This is a-Yeow!"
"Well then a dream just bit you!"shouted Whistler as he lunged towards Hank's arm again."Getting a stripper for Smiley! Making us into animals! Shame on you!"
Grabbing the weaselish animal, Hank was about to retort when a frog went by his face."Yargh!"
"Ribbit! Ribbit!" cried the frog as Hank blindly threw the weaselish animal away.
"Get back here you stupid frog!"Angel shouted as he lunged for it. The frog jumped and Angel landed right on Hank's chest."Oh, sorry Hank. Didn't mean to...wait a minute! Yes, I did! you started this! You started with the stripper at my bachelor party! Well, take-Hey!"
Hank screamed as he saw the duck billed animal on his chest. Grabbing it, he threw it at the raccoon that was climbing on top of the table just as the duck peeked from a chair."I'm dreaming! Dreaming I say!"
The raccoon and the duck billed animal rolled over and looked at Hank with undisguised malice. Then the duck billed animal sang,"I welcome you to the *Buffster Zone* where nothing here is like it seems to be. Woo hoo!"
Hank screamed again and headed towards the door.
*****
"So where are they?"cried Cordelia as she raced back to her car and started the engine."This was the second animal shelter that we've visited! I cannot believe how many animals there are! Was all of the men of Sunnydale changed into animals?"
Joyce sighed as she rubbed her forehead."It seems like it. Luck for us that Sunnydale has only three animal shelters."
"It feels like the third time's a charm,"Amy said as she put on a seat belt. Then thought about it and snapped on the two extra."I think we'd better hurry and find the boys. Who knows what they'll look like when they get out of this spell."
Cordelia stared at Amy through the rear view mirror."What do you mean by that?"
"Well, let me put it this way, when I was changed into a rat and then back to a human, I was wearing nothing but my birthday suit and a smile,"Amy said grimly.
Cordelia thought about this for a moment, and her foot went down harder on the pedal.
*****
Giles raced towards the front door of his house."Joyce! Joyce! Let me in! Let me-"
Hank hollered when he saw the talking dog of his dreams in front of him. He ran from the door to the living room. "Yargh! It's the talking dog!"
"Yargh! The bloody idiot!!"screamed Giles. Then his eyes lowered as he took in the situation. The duck was on top of the side chair. The frog was on the marble mantle. He saw Hank climb on top of the furniture with Whistler, Spike and Angel nipping at his feet. Giles's temper ignited."THAT'S A QUEEN ANNE, YOU BLOODY MORON! WE JUST GOT THAT! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOME!!!"
Hank screamed louder as he saw the dog lunge towards him. He jumped off the couch and ran out to the kitchen with Giles, Angel, Spike and Whistler giving chase.
*****
"Here they are!"Faith called out to Nana Bethie as she just finished the altar.
Nana Bethie watched the car that was racing towards them."And not a moment too soon. Diana will be here any moment. They must hurry if we are to get the spell done."
Buffy screeched the car to a stop, next to the circle. Willow jumped out of the car, shouting."I'm here! Let's get started!"
"Do hurry!"Ethan shouted as he lifted his head towards Willow."I think that-urp!"
"You will think of nothing, worm,"Diana said as she looked at the small chameleon in her hand. She stared at it, then saw, with a self-satisfied smile, that it was changed into a worm. She looked at the women that were gathered around the sacred circle."And now for your turns. So sorry, but it needs to be done."
Buffy was about to jump when she felt her feet rooted to where she stood. And she saw that Faith and Willow was the same, she looked down and saw bark slowly climbing up her legs.
*****
Hank hollered as he raced around the kitchen."THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! THIS IS A DREAM!!"
"You wish!" shouted Whistler as he chased Hank, nipping at his feet."And you really should wash your feet more often!!"
"GET THE HELL OF OF MY HOUSE!!"Giles roared as he chased Hank around the kitchen island. Hank ran into the dining room again and leapt on to the dining room table. Giles saw this and roared even louder as he leaped on the table as well."GET HELL OFF THE BLOODY TABLE!! THAT’S A FAMILY HEIRLOOM!!!!!"
Hank leaped off the table and ran out the front door, Giles and Whistler at his heels.
When he saw where the idiot was going, Spike stopped and sat at the doorway heavily."Oh, bloody hell! Can't chase the idiot out into the sun. Figures he'd find a way to run our fun! And I'm bloody still hungry, damn it!"
Angel met Spike at the doorway, gasping."So am I. Is there anything to eat around here?"
"Quack! Quack!" "Ribbit! Ribbit!"
Spike and Angel looked at each other. Angel ran off to the living room. "Dibs on the duck! I eat any male that was on Buffy's bed!"
"That's a disgusting thought, you poof. But then again I should've expected it from a fairy like you,"Spike called out as he went after the frog.
*****
"Look lady, you know how many cats, dogs and monkeys we got here? It's like Sunnydale threw out all their pets out into the streets last night,"shouted a harried worker.
Cordelia looked at the man, her nose in the air."Well, I don't care! Your men took my cat, and I want him back! And if I have to go back there to get him, I will!"
The man looked mulishly at her."I can't let you back there! It's against the rules!"
"I don't care about the rules,"Joyce finally said as she looked sternly at the man."Now you can let us relieve you of three animals or you can keep all of them until kingdom comes and waste the town tax money. Now what is your choice?"
*****
Diana laughed she saw the women start turning into trees."And who will save you now?"
"Me,"said a voice. Diana turned and let out a whoosh when she felt a staff hit her in the stomach. She stared at the old woman in astonishment."Willow! The spell now! And keep you eyes on the statue! Don't look back!"
Snapping out of the spell, Willow ran towards the small altar.
Diana staggered away from the old woman as she swung again."How? How can this be? Why are you not changed?"
Nana Bethie smiled."You need sight to weave your spells witch, and I can fight with my eyes closed."
Diana roared as her hands formed talons and she charged at the old woman. Nana Bethie side stepped the charge and smacked Diana on the head with her cane again, knocking her down.
Diana quickly rolled to her feet and threw a punch that was easily blocked by Nana Bethie's cane. At the same time, Nana Bethie threw a left, her fist catching on Diana's chin, knocking the witch to the ground.
"How can this be? How can you fight with your eyes closed,"Diana whispered hoarsely. Nana Bethie merely smiled.
"It's a blessed curse,"Nana Bethie answered simply.
"If I can not fight you, the beasts shall!"Diana roared as she outstretched her hands."I call upon the changed beasts to do my will, come forth and-"
"Now, none of that. That's cheating,"Nana Bethie chided as she twisted the top of her cane. The top revealed to be a small wooden stake with a silver handle. Nana Bethie threw it, its butt landing full force on Diana's forehead.
Diana stared a the old woman, then she caught sight of the witch performing the spell. She started towards the circle, screaming,"NO!!"
*****
Her back turned, Willow started to chant."Diana, mistress of the moon and night, I call upon thee. From my heart and soul, and with the seed I carry, I beg to you to heed my pleas. I dress you with silk as benefits the Daughter of King Jupiter..."
Willow winced when she heard Diana roar.
*****
“THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!”roared Hank as he stopped a tree and ran to it.”This is only a dream! A dream!!”
Giles snarled as he chased Hank up the tree.”I don’t care what you think! Just stay out of my bloody house!”
“Yeah! You tell him Tweed!”Whistler shouted happily. Then he turned his head, and saw another dog. A bulldog in fact.”Hey Tweed! We got company!”
“And keep away from my wife!”Giles snarled.
“TWEED!”
*****
"No! I will not let it happen! Stand away old woman!"Diana roared as she made towards the circle. Standing still, allowing Diana to go past, her eyes still closed, Nana Bethie smiled as she took aim, then threw the rest of her cane towards Diana's back.
The cane twirled and tangled in Diana's legs. Tripping her away from the edge of the circle. Diana roared as she saw the pregnant witch complete the spell.
*****
Giles turned when he heard another scream from behind him. Turning he saw Whistler running from a small bull dog.”Damn, now I have to rescue the annoying little demon?”
“HALP! TWEED!”shouted Whistler. Giles ran towards Whistler, and snatched him up with his mouth.
Hank saw the hound leave the tree and started to come down when he heard some growling.”Think I’d better stay here...Help! Help!”
*****
Willow continued to chant as she wrapped the statue with her offerings. "I offer you linen for your soft skin. I drape your hair with cotton to protect your midnight hair. I cover you with fur for the animals you protect. I offer to you leather for your bow. I hold feathers for your arrows."
She place the statue on the small altar and sprinkled silver on the base of the statue."I cover your feet with silver for your ride in the night. Offerings of wine for your thirst, candles for your altar. Oh, Diana, virgin goddess, birth goddess, guardian of the beasts, I humbly ask you to rescind your spells. Cease the enchantment weaved in the night, cease the enchantment that continues in the light. Call back thy witch to that changes all when in sight."
A strong gust of wind swept threw the circle as the statue and the altar shone in a flash of light. Then there was nothing. Willow shivered when she heard Diana scream again once more. Then silence. And birds chirping.
*****
Giles ran into the house with Whistler in his mouth. He quickly kicked the door shut. And started spitting.”Phew! Black! Whistler, you need a bath!”
“Get away from me Tweed,”Whistler said as he shook the saliva off his fur.”In fact-”
“Got you now, you duck!”Angel shouted as he pounced on the duck.
Spike snarled as he caught the frog.”BREAKFAST!”
“Oh, no,”Giles groaned as he foresaw a death for the frog if he didn’t intervene. Sighing, he barreled into Spike.
*****
"It's over, Willow, you may turn now,"Nana Bethie said gently as she placed her hand on Willow shoulder.
"Wow! I'm glad that's over,"Buffy said as she walked over towards her Nana and friend."I'd hate to be replanted and watered."
"Yeah, I like moving,"Faith agreed. Then she looked down."But what's with the change of clothes? I mean this dress wasn't what I was wearing before..."
*****
“That’s the door to the kennel,”the man groused. Cordelia rushed to the door and opened it widely.
“Xander! We’re here!”Cordelia started. Then her eyes widened and she let out a scream.”AHHHH!!”
Then promptly fainted.
*****
"Well at least you two have bloody garments to wear!"roared Ethan. Everyone turned to see Ethan Rayne standing behind Faith's car, it strategically placed in front of him."Can someone get me a pair of pants?"
Buffy looked a Faith and Willow. They looked at Buffy, then shook their heads.
"Should we be nice, especially since he ruined our night?"Faith pretended to ponder.
Buffy grinned as she shook her head."Nope. You helped ruin Angel's bachelor party, so nope."
"A ride to my store perhaps?"Ethan pleaded. Willow shook her head at him.
"Nope, my cuddle monkey would never-Oh my god! Oz! if Ethan's naked then-"
Willow looked at Buffy and Faith in horror as Buffy finished the thought."All the men in town are like Ethan! We gotta get home!"
*****
Benjamin Carruthers look outside the window of the limo and his jaw dropped to his chest.”Oh, I say! America *really* is different! Look at all the men!”
“Is today a significant day in which all the men are nude?”said a young man.”Perhaps it’s a strange custom for the residents of the Hellmouth. After all, they could be pagans for all we know.”
“I certainly hope not! An Englishman without tweed for one day? It’s unthinkable!”said Joshua with a twinkle in his brown eyes.
“And this from the boy who used to burn his jackets when in public school,”laughed his grandmother.”Well, at least we’re nearing the house.”
*****
“What?”Spike hollered when he felt a body tackle him. He quickly rolled over and was about to punch the body when he saw the familiar HUMAN form of the Watcher.”Watcher! They did it! We’re back to normal!”
Giles quickly rolled up and saw hands instead of paws.”We’re back to normal! And...without clothes.”
“What-what’s going on?”asked a weak voice. Giles looked over and saw Scott, Buffy’s former boyfriend, shake his head, as if in a daze.”Mr-Giles? What’s going on? And where are your clothes? Where are MY clothes?”
*****
“It’s going to be all right, Cordy. All right, you’ll see,”Xander soothed as he rubbed her back.”It’s all right...”
“It was sooo horrible,”Cordelia moaned as she buried her face in the crook of Xander’s neck.”I’m scarred for life!”
Amy rolled her eyes.”It wasn’t that bad. So you saw a room full of naked men. In most cases that would be dream come true.”
“Yeah, if they all looked like the guy from the romance novels. But to see Mr.Walters, the baker who’s at least 300 pounds?!? In the nude! Full frontal?!”
Joyce sighed as she raced towards her home, and pulled into her street.”Look at it this way...At least it can’t get any worse.”
*****
Hank looked down again, and his jaw dropped. He shook his head again.”This is not happening! This is NOT happening!”
“Hey! What’s going on?”shouted the small naked man with large ears.”Where are my clothes? What happened? What am I doing?!?”
******
A scream was heard in the dining room. Giles rushed into there and saw the naked Angel wrestling with an equally undressed Owen on top of the dining room table again. Sighing, Giles threw himself into the fray with a shout.
Spike saw this and hollered for joy.“Wow! Free for all!”
******
“What the hell is that?”Joyce demanded as she saw a naked man looking up at the tree in front of her house. Oz looked out the window and winced as Cordelia let out another scream.
“I’m scarred! I’m scarred again! I need therapy! Therapy!”
“It looks like Hank’s up the tree...with Principal Snyder looking a bit...nude,”said Oz.”And there’s Buffy, Willow, Nana and Faith! But what’s that line of limos pulling up?”
******
“Principal Snyder!”Buffy screamed in horror as she stared at him.”You’re naked!”
Snyder ran behind the tree and glared at his former problem pupil.”Summers! I should have know that you were behind this!”
Nana Bethie snorted at him.”Don’t be such an ass! We’re the only ones that can get you home at this moment. How’s the air up there, idiot?”
“This is not happening, this is not happening,”Hank repeated over and over.
Nana Bethie rolled her eyes.”Nice to see that you’re keeping up with us.”
Willow looked beyond the tree and saw Buffy’s mother and Amy get out of the car. Then she saw Oz wrapped in a green towel and Xander wrapped in a beach blanket as he tried to pull a shocked Cordeila out of the car.”Oz! Oz! You’re not monkey like anymore!”
“Hey, Buff! What’s the train of limos behind us?”Faith asked, ready for anything. Buffy shrugged as she studied the figures coming out from the car. Then her eyes widened.
“Mother! What’s going on here?”David Carruthers demanded as he eyed the idiot in the tree and the naked man hiding behind it. He then looked at his grand-niece.”Hello, Elizabeth! Joyceln!”
“Uncle David!” Buffy screamed as she ran to hug her grand-uncle.”Hi! We weren’t expecting you until tonight!”
Joyce ran to hug her uncles and aunts.”Hi! We thought that-”
A shout from the house rang. Joyce and Buffy looked at each other and raced towards the door. They made it to the porch when the door shot open and out came a naked body. Then another. Angel rushed out, shaking his fists.”And if you ever come near her again, I’ll have you two for supper! Got it?!?”
Whistler, Spike and Giles ran out the door trying to pull Angel back.”Get back inside here you blasted twit! They were under the same spell!”
Whistler grabbed Angel’s arm.”It’s daylight, Smiley! Get that through your head! D-A-Y-L-I-G-H-T! Daylight!”
“Go out and ash away, Angelus! let me help!”shout Spike happily as he started pushing Angel further into the light. Giles smacked the blonde vampire upside his head.
“Spike! Behave!”Giles shouted then he turned to shout at Angel when he noticed a small crowd of familiar and unfamiliar faces. He blanched and moved behind Angel.
Scott and Owen rolled to their feet as they ran behind a car for cover. Whistler placed his hands on Angel’s chest, holding him back he called out to them.”Run, you morons! He’s mad because he hasn’t gotten laid with the Bombshell in over three weeks! Run!”
Joyce covered her mouth as Buffy screamed at them.”ANGEL! GILES! YOU’RE NAKED!”
“Buffy!”Angel said with a start. Then he noticed two things. One, he was on the porch. Two, a small crowd of people were staking at him. He smiled weakly at them as he brought Buffy in front of him.”Buffy, who are these people?”
Nana Bethie walked up the porch steps.’Rupert, Angel, these are my sons, grand-sons, great-grandsons and their wives that you just gave the free show for.”
Giles and Angel stared at her in growing horror. Nana Bethie smiled hugely at him.”So tell me, was there an all male orgy while we were gone?”
~Fin.