Party Animals

Dedication:Paul W., Lyndy (sorry I spelled her name wrong before) and two nameless males.
Summary:Picks up right after "Powders, Plans and Parties".It's the night of Angel's bachelor party still, and the males of the Scooby gang, along with Scott and Owen have been turned into real party animals.
Note: Liam is Spike, Elizabeth is Buffy, Joyceln is Joyce, Harbinger is Whistler and Nana Bethie is Lady Atherton who happens to be Buffy's great-grandmother. And in my universe, Angel's soul is crazy glued to his body, so there!
Author's Note: No animals have been hurt in this production of this sequel. Feedback Please!

*****

"I don't believe it!"Buffy cried as she looked at Angel."I just can't believe it! How could this happen? How could you turn into a-a-a platypus!"

Angel lifted his head and glared at her."As if it was my choice in being turned into a platypus! I dunno, I woke up this evening and decided,'Hey! I want to be a real party animal for my bachelor party! I want to be a platypus!' And, I got my wish!"

"Now, calm down,"Giles said as he tried to soothe Angel and his Slayer."We have to just calm down..."

"Speak for yourself, Giles! I have no intentions of eating Purina cat food for the rest of my days!"Xander yelled from Cordelia's arms."That's a nasty thought!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Xander! I'd feed you Fancy Feast for the rest of your life, with the best kitty litter too!"Cordelia scoffed. Xander pushed his head back as he tried to stare at her.

"You're all heart, honey,"Xander said sarcastically. He turned to look at Giles."We have got to figure out who did the whammy on us! Now! Fast!"

Oz looked at Xander from Willow's shoulder."We will. I mean, it's no big deal that we're animals, right?"

Whistler snorted from the table."That's because you change into one every month. I haven't shape-shifted for the past five hundred years. And I can't change back. This is serious, if this spell is effecting *my* abilities to change..."

"It means that there's a powerful mojo that's affecting all of us. Great. Angel, I'm going to bite you,"Spike groaned as he buried his face into his paws.

Faith chuckled."Look at it this way, Spike, being a raccoon isn't so bad. At least you won't have a French chef after your legs. He'll only want your fur."

"Or worry about being plucked for a down jacket,"Amy said as she held the duck far away from her."But I'd worry about the ferret."

Whistler snorted at her."Gee, thanks, witch. You're a real help."

"People, enough arguing, panicking has no place here. we have plenty of time to change our situations,"Giles said.

Joyce stared at him."Rupert...you're a dog! A blood hound, in fact! How can we stay calm?!? If we don't change you boys by tomorrow night..."

"Oh my god! The wedding rehearsal dinner! Your family! I cannot meet them like this! As a-a dog!"Giles yelped. He leaped down to the floor and started to pace.

Angel glared at him."At least you can meet him as man's best friend. What am I going to say,'Hello! I'm Angel the Once Vampire. Now I'm known as Angel the Platypus! Can I quack at you?'"

"Angel, platypuses don't quack,"Willow said. Angel glared at her."Sorry. Not speaking."

Nana Bethie rapped her cane against the floor."Before this...ah, conversation degenerates into an animal fight...what was the last thing that you remember?"

"Me wanting to bite Scott's neck for kissing Buffy,"Angel said immediately. Nana Bethie rolled her eyes at him.

"Angel, you marsupial! Stay on the topic!" Nana Bethie scolded.

Spike snorted at him."Yeah, you ninny! There was a stripper here, then smoke and then the next thing we knew we were animals."

"There was a stripper here?"Buffy asked in an ominous voice. Angel looked up at her, then ducked back under the table."I thought we said no strippers..."

Giles avoided looking at his wife."Not now, Buffy. The woman said her name was..."

"Diana! Her name was Diana and she was looking for Angel!"Xander said excitedly."And she had brown eyes and the biggest-"

"The biggest what, Xander?"Cordelia demanded ominously. Xander looked at her smiled and licked her cheek.

"The biggest, ah, hairdo. Her hair was brown,"Xander said. Then he frowned."I don't think that she knew who exactly we were. She had to ask who Angel was."

Willow looked at her husband then at Spike."So who hired the brown-haired stripper?"

Spike glared at her."Not me. Didn't know I was going until I after Angel decked the idiot again. Besides, why should I spend money on Soul Platypus there?"

Oz shook his head."Not me. And I know that neither had Xander. All that we planned to do was get drunk and watch a couple of movies. Then go home after making fun of Angel."

As Angel crawled out from under the table, Buffy looked at Oz."You're a real friend."

Oz shrugged."Hey, I'm not the idiot that gave up my conjugal rights just because I'm getting married. I know my limitations and living without Willow in my bed for a time is *not* something that I want to do without. Besides, if you can get it, why not flaunt it?"

Willow eyed her husband."So the plan was see porno, get drunk and then get to bed and play bed footsie?"

"Yeah, that then grab a bite to eat then get laid,"Spike said then he looked at Joyce."Ah, sorry about that, Mum."

"Never mind, Liam. But what else can you say about her?"Joyce asked."Did she speak? Did say anything about who hired her? Or leave anything?" 

"Spoke? No. Said her name was Diana and was looking for Angel, that was it...but as soon as she started dancing, there was smoke starting around her,"Giles said slowly. Oz nodded slowly.

"It was an odd...kinda like a forest scent...not exactly pine fresh, though,"Oz said as he scratched his chin.

Cordelia looked at Oz."Too bad you're a monkey, Oz. You could have tracked her down like you normally do."

"We don't have Oz's nose, but we do have Giles,"Buffy said excitedly."You're a blood hound now, Giles! You can track her!"

"Right! All right, And I just remembered that ferrets also have a keen sense of smell,"Giles said."So we can both find her. Of course when we do get a hold of her we may not be able to make her change us back..."

Nana Bethie held up her hand."Do not borrow trouble, Rupert. If I might suggest that you, Amy and Joyce make up one team to hunt the girl, then Faith and Harbinger make up another, then Spike, Angel, Elizabeth and I make up another. The rest should look this woman up and see what she resembles most. From what she has left us...we know that her name is Diana."

Joyce frowned."What do we do about the duck and the frog?"

"Other than keep them away from a bunch of chefs? We had better keep them safe,"Faith shrugged."But I'm insisting a bag for the frog. Whoever it is, he's slimy."

"I'll get...oh dear,"Nana Bethie said as her eyes rounded."I think that I know where she is...sort of."

"Well? Where the bloody well is she, Hound?"Spike hollered at her. Buffy smacked Spike's striped head."Bloody Hell, Slayer! Watch the fur!"

Nana Bethie looked around."She's at a local club in a negligee and she's going to turn all the males that look at her there into animals and the girls into plants. Particularly cypresses and laurels. Is anyone else seeing a pattern here?"

Whistler laid his head down."Diana...virgin goddess of the moon and hunt. Wonderful."

"Fine, we know who she is, but we still have to know how to stop her,"Giles said as he sat up."Let's get to it."

Joyce nodded and then picked up Spike into her arms."Come on, Liam, you vampire raccoon."

"Thanks a lot, Mum,"Spike groused as he settled into her arms.

Buffy bent to pick up Angel."Come on, honey. Let's go hunting."

"Buffy! Wait! You can't touch Angel's hind feet!"Willow cried out."They're poisoned!"

Buffy and Angel looked at her in confusion. Willow continued."If Angel is a male-"

"Questioning my manhood now that I'm a platypus, Willow?"Angel growled. Shaking her head, Willow blushed as she continued.

"No. it's just that if,ah, I mean, that since you're the male version of a platypus, then your hind feet contain a poison that can be released. Not that harmful to humans, but still. If you accidentally hit Buffy-"

"I get it,"Angel said. He looked at Buffy then at Willow."And how am I supposed to go hunting?"

"Easy,"Buffy said as she lifted Angel by his body, avoiding his hind feet and wrapping them under his belly."There. Let's go!"

Spike saw this and started chittering."Angel's got poisoned feet! Angel's got poisoned feet! Angel's got poisoned feet! Ow!"

Spike looked up and glared at Joyce as she said,"Behave. I can swap your little butt easier now, Liam. Let's move, I have no desire to cuddle with my husband as a dog this night."

Angel looked at Buffy."Put me in the same bag as Owen and Scott. I want to kick their little animal butts."

*****

Ethan Rayne woke up with his head hurting."Ohhh...what happened?"

When he opened his eyes, he noticed a few things, One, he was on the floor. Two, he was looking up at the underside of his chair and desk. And three, he had a terrible hunger for cheese. Warily he crawled towards the standing mirror he kept in the other room and looked at his reflection.

"Uh-oh. Now you've done it mate."

*****

In the office, Willow stared at the book she was reading, then looked at her husband who was reading his. He looked at her."What?"

"Why were you changed into a monkey? Why not a wolf?"

Oz shrugged."Dunno, maybe because I already am a wolf? Or she changes people according to personalities?"

"Then how is Spike a raccoon? Angel a platypus and Xander a cat?"

"Karma. Or animals happen. I just hope that we can reverse this soon.It's one thing to be a werewolf locked up for three days, but another to crave for bananas and apples the next twenty nine."

*****

In the kitchen of Giles's bookstore, Xander lapped up his large saucer of milk as Cordelia stroked his head absently while she read her book. When he was done, he looked at Cordelia and crawled under her chin."Xander! I have to read this!"

Xander sat on the book as he looked at her."I want to be petted. I feel lousy, first I nearly get eaten by a giant praying mantis, then get the mind of a hyena, then chased by a Tarakan Bug Man, then nearly turned into a fish and after that, I'm a cat. I've had enough of the animal kingdom, I want to be petted!"

"Oh, Xander!"Cordelia said as she scratched him behind his ears. "I know that we'll get to the bottom if this spell. And,well, if we don't-"

"If we don't?"

"I promise that I'll get nothing but fresh fish and chicken for you and a nice scratching post,"Cordelia said as she hugged him.

"You're all heart,"Xander said as he licked her ear. Then he looked at her and licked her again."Hey, you taste nice!"

"Xander!"Cordelia giggled. Xander started licking her neck with his scratchy tongue as she held his slim body tighter. She giggled even more as he moved his way down the deep vee of her tank top.

Breathing deeply, he could smell her growing arousal sharply. He buried his furry face in the valley between her breasts, and started to rub his face into her loose tank top."Oh, Cordy...you smell so nice..."

"Hey! I think I found something!"Willow called out.

Startled, Xander shoved his face out from Cordelia's top, but found that one of his claws caught on to her top. Cordelia winced a bit as she tried to get Xander's caught claw loose from her top."That's great Will! Xander! Retract the claw!"

"Oh, sorry, Cordy,"Xander mumbled, then sat on the table. Willow came into the kitchen. "I think I got her! Her name's Diana and she's not a goddess, she's a witch!"

"Great! Anything on how to reverse the spell?"Cordelia asked.

Willow shook her head."No, but there a passage on why she changes people. She's really a misanthrope and she wanted humanity to return to the ways of nature, so she changes men into the beasts and women into plants. Fauna and Flora."

"Wonderful, we've got a witch who really believes in saving the world by changing the people into animals and plants. A near sighted dog. A platypus with poisoned feet. A nasty tempered ferret and raccoon. A monkey that wants a banana. A duck that refuses to stay in the tub and a frog that likes the toilet. And worst of it is, I need a litter box,"Xander sighed.

*****

Ethan Rayne looked at the Summers house...it looked empty. But then again, it was three o'clock in the morning. He just hoped that he wouldn't get killed when he made his way into the house.

*****
Angel sat on the dashboard as Buffy drove, his head moving back and forth, searching the near empty street."This is useless, she's not here now. See all those animals and trees? She was here, but now she's not."

"If we want to get you back to normal, we have to keep looking, Angel,"Buffy said as she moved the car slowly."Nana, do you see anything at all?"

Nana Bethie looked out from the seat next to her."No. Nothing here, Elizabeth. Angel is correct, it seems that Diana visited this area already."

"Then all this was a bloody waste of time,"Spike snorted as he rubbed his eyes with a furred hand."Bloody terrific. Hey, Hound, there anything you see where she could be?"

"Nothing, yet, Spike,"Nana Bethie sniffed at him.

Spike glared at her."Well, then what bloody good are you, Hound? Can't see the future if your life depended on it? I should've taken you on again eighty years ago. Would have gotten a nice meal from you after taking you out."

"No, you would have been a pile of ashes, as would have Drucilla. You would have never taken me out, Spike. Have no doubt about that,"Nana Bethie said flatly as she looked at the raccoon beside her."I can still predict the moves that you hope to make and the thoughts that you are barely aware that you have, better now than eighty years ago. And I tell you, I can kill you even before you are aware of it."

Spike snarled."Think so, Hound? Want to try it out? I can-"

"ENOUGH!"Buffy shouted as she looked Spike in her rear view mirror and stopped the car.

"I need you two to look out the window and see if you can recognize this Diana, not bickering like this! We all can argue later, *not* now! We have to find this crazy chick before she makes Sunnydale into Yellowstone Park. And we have to do this *before* the wedding rehearsal dinner in about...what time is it? Three thirty? Seventeen hours."

Angel groaned."Seventeen hours! Meeting your male relatives as a platypus! Wonderful!"

Spike glared at him."Who the fuck cares?"

"I care! Meeting a bunch of males from Buffy's side of the family as a platypus is *not* something that I want to do! Especially to a bunch of men who know how to maim people!"Angel glared back.

Spike snorted at him."You are *such* a pansy! Just say tell them you know quack kwon do and have a killer tail! Or some shit like that! Or Slayer can say that she's really into screwing with animals. She'll be on Oprah next month with you. Theme of the show: Slayers That Screw Vampires That Turned Into Animals."

Buffy glared at him through the mirror."That's disgusting!"

"Hey, it's pretty disgusting thing that the Slayer and my sire go at it like minks or rather will be going at it like a couple of platypuses now,"Spike retorted. Then he shrugged."All I know is that if I'm stuck as an immortal raccoon, I'm going to contract rabies and bite every person I meet."

Buffy nodded."That's a good idea. Then they'll shoot you and make a hat out of you. Bring back the whole fashion of coon caps. Hey! It'll work!"

Spike glared at her."You know, Slayer, if they make a hat out of me, guess what the family'll do to Souled Platypus? Make soup!"

"Oh, please, this is getting worse and worse. I am *so* not looking forward to living my immortal existence as a marsupial. Spike, shut up before I step on you with my poisoned hindfeet," Angel groaned.

"Now, Angel, we'll find Diana, and if we can, we'll make a hat out of Spike before we find her,"Buffy said cheerfully."Then we'll lie to Mom about what happened to him. But to comfort her, we'll give her your hide to wear when she goes out, Spike."

Spike glared at her."You're all heart, Slayer."

"Elizabeth! Elizabeth!"Nana Bethie said sharply as she gripped the door handle."We must go to your house now. Quickly assemble the others there."

Buffy started dialing her car phone."What is it, Nana? What do you see?"

Nana Bethie closed her eyes."An animal that might be able to help us to find this Diana. And the future if we can not stop her."

*****

Faith stared at the slender figure of Whistler ahead of her, then shook her head."Whistler? You sure about this? I mean, it's apparent that she *was* here, but looks like she's long gone."

Whistler turned to look at Faith."Babe, I can smell her scent in the air. She's somewhere here. It's just that the scent of stale  garbage, cigarettes, sea air and that couple in the alley having sex is distracting me."

Faith stared at him."You can smell a couple having sex?"

"It's no big deal. I could smell it even before I was turned into a ferret. It's just sharper now,"Whistler said as he ran ahead of her again and stopped in front of another alley way and sniffed again."They just finished their quickie now."

Whistler turned to look at her again."Hey, it's a talent. I can even tell when someone's...ready to do the pelvic. And that's when it gets even more fun."

Faith looked at him wide-eyed."I see. Hey, has Angel been keeping his promise to B's dad?"

"Damn right he has! His apartment smells like a well used whore-house,"Whistler snorted."Smell's especially strong on the sheets, towels, and bathroom. I'm telling you, Faith. Better get the two of them together, else I'm permanently going to hold my nose when I'm near them. It's bad enough that I'm smelling the Bombshell's scent every time that she's within a mile from Smiley, but to have to smell his jacked off remains...it's too much."

"So Angel's been *actually* been keeping his promise by doing a  hand job? I'm impressed,"Faith said with a smile. Whistler rolled his eyes at her.

"Don't be. From the week old scents in his place, Angel used to beat his meat before he visited her, now he's reduced to beating it after he leaves her, before he sleeps, while he sleeps and before he does *any* single freaking thing, like buying blood from Willie."

Faith stared at Whistler."And you know all of this through the smell of his apartment?"

"Unfortunately,"Whistler answered as he ran ahead again. Faith looked at him curiously."Damn, the Diana's scent is getting weaker. Think she's gone..."

"Try the other alley. So what does it smell like?"

Stopping in front of the next alley, Whistler turned to look at her."What? Sex or arousal? Both smell different for everybody. I can smell better in a room than the outdoors. But I will admit that the Buffster's mom smells nice when she's ready, floral with a tang, and Red smells like the earth after the rain. Bombshell smells like her mom, but with more vanilla and tang after she and Smiley bed wrestle."

"And the guys? What do they smell like?"

"That I'm not so sure about."

"What? You nose gets snotted and you can't smell guys when they want to get banged?"

Whistler looked at Faith."You honestly think that I want to smell the guys? I can see it now. 'Hey,Tweed, I know that you're getting hard by Bombshell's mom 'cause you're starting to smell like musk and something else, but I'm not really sure, so can I sniff you?' Yeah, I can see that going *real* well."

"Well, then what do I smell like?"Faith asked as she crouched down to look at him. Whistler looked at her.

"When you're aroused or when you just had sex? And do you really want to know?"

Faith frowned at him."Not following you, Whistler. What's the differ-wait, phone. Hey B! What's the news?"

Whistler sniffed around him as Faith finished talking."You know, it just occurred to me, the last time I was here, was for Tweed's wedding to Blonde's mom. And we were attacked by those giant plant demons. Then that coven of witches for Red's bridal shower. Think there's a pattern here?"

"Yeah, don't get married on the Hellmouth,"Faith said as she put away her phone."B just called, ASAP to her place. Nana's got the sight of something."

Whistler sighed."You know, I've known her for near fifty years now, and I have to tell you, for a person that's supposed to see in the future, she sure has lousy timing."

*****

Giles sniffed the air then moved his head towards the direction of the wind. Standing on the sidewalk, Joyce looked at him."Well? What do you smell?"

Giles walked over to his wife slowly, still sniffing the air. "Just some shaving cream, spilled beer, a pair of socks in the garbage and a most beguiling scent that's coming from you. You smell...ripe."

Joyce's eyebrow lifted."Rupert, are you saying that I'm smelly?"

Giles's nose first sniffed her ear, then down to her collar bone and lower to her breasts."Not smelly, just sweet smelling and tangy at the same time. I must explore more of your scent when we have the time."

Sighing, Joyce held Giles's head as his nose neared her stomach, then lower."Rupert...we have to get you back to normal..."

Still sniffing her, Giles used his nose to try and get under her blouse, and forcefully stopped himself. It was difficult considering he was starting to smell his wife's aroused scent. "Right...No exploring your smell just yet. Which, ah, brings me to trying to pick up Diana's scent..."

"Which also brings us back to the notion of, we still have no idea where this Diana went. And how do we stop her. Wonder if Amy saw something,"Joyce sighed as she stood. She looked around her. "Speaking of, where's Amy?"

Giles sniffed the air and started walking towards the car."The strongest scent is this way. I knew that I've always had a keen sense of smell, but this is utterly ridiculous."

Joyce followed her husband"Well, look at it this way...you could have been a duck. Or a platypus, though I'm still wondering why a platypus. Poor Angel!"

"Yes, being a hound is far more preferable. But there are so many scents...Hallo! Amy! See anything?"

Amy walked up to the couple."Just more trees and animals that are scurrying about. Diana was already here, it seems. The place is littered with wandering animals. And Buffy called on the car phone. Said to get back to your place ASAP."

"Wonderful. Sunnydale's Main Street is turned into a walking zoo. We must keep searching for her,"Giles sighed as he laid down on the pavement."I just wish that I had a better handle on how to track her scent. Joyce, can you scratch my ears?"

As Joyce bent down to scratch her husband's ears, she looked up at Amy."Is there anyway that you and Willow can counteract this spell of hers?"

"Amy or Willow cannot counteract the spell correctly unless she had the spell book or the precise magicks involved. A bit higher, Joyce,ahhh. Yes, there,"Giles sighed blissfully. He opened his eyes."If she tries it...there could be serious repercussions. And, there is an added problem, if this goddess or demon can affect Whistler's changeling abilities..."

"Then she has to be a powerful goddess or demon indeed. Just great,"Joyce sighed, then a glimmer of mischief hit her."Rupert, if you're going to remain a dog, we're going to have to set up a schedule and a new set of rules."

Smelling her playful mood, Giles eyed his wife."Rules? What kind of rules?"

"For starters, no howling at the moon and no chasing cars,"she said in a serious tone."And no shedding on my clothes."

Rupert cocked his ear at her."But I'm still sleeping in the bed with you, right?"

"We'll see,"Joyce said as she opened the rear door of the car to let him in.

*****

As Faith entered the living room with Whistler in her arms, she had to look twice at the picture that was presented. Buffy had Angel the Platypus over her shoulder with him looking at himself in the hall mirror. Cordelia was talking with Nana Bethie on the side chair as Buffy's mom was sitting on the couch with Giles's head on her lap with one hand stroking his head and the other stroking Spike's gray belly. Amy sat with Willow who was reading a book as Oz the monkey sat talking to Xander the cat on the back of the love seat. Faith set Whistler on the floor and he scampered to a stool. "Hey, people we're here."

"That's good,"Buffy said as she walked over to her."Grab a seat if you can. Don't mind the fur."

"If this is a permanent thing, I want a lint brush,"Cordelia said as she picked an animal hair off her top and looked at Spike."Cat hair I don't mind. Raccoon is so passe."

"If you want to improve your looks, better start with a blemish remover, oh, wait, that's not a blemish, that's your face.Sorry, my bad,"Spike said as he sat up. Joyce sighed. the two had been going at it since Spike chased Xander all around the house and then bit Xander's tail before she could stop him.

Giles barked to gain everyone's attention."Children, enough. Let us now begin. No one has found this Diana yet, but we have found what she did. What don't we know?"

"Who gave Buffy that velvet whip and leather handcuff set,"Xander asked as he peered into an open box on the floor."With cans of strawberry and raspberry whipped cream, too."

"Xander! Stop looking at my presents!"Buffy screeched as she headed towards her pile of gifts. Angel struggled to keep his balance on her shoulder. Buffy started closing the boxes, her mother rushing to help her.

Xander started to jump down when he felt a hand catch him at the scruff of his neck. He looked up and saw Cordelia's face."If you get into those boxes, consider yourself cat-strated. Got it?"

"Meow?"Xander whimpered as Cordelia cradled him against her ample chest. He rubbed his face against the imprint of her nipple against her top."I like this better anyway."

Whistler jumped away from the stool and dove into a box."Whoa! Nice leather bikini, Slayer! And nice sheer black teddy."

"Hey! Who gave you this? What is this?"Angel demanded as held up with his nose a silk green triangle with three strings. Oz looked down from his perch as Whistler jumped into another open box, avoiding Buffy's hands.

"Angel!"Buffy wailed as she took it away from him, then picked him out from a box and closed it. She piled that box on another as Angel then dived into another open box.

"Looked to me like a string thong, Willow has one in white,"Oz commented, then he promptly winced when Willow squeaked."Sorry, honey. I'm on monkey crack, ruins the brain."

"Hey, hey! Christmas time! Slayer, Who gave you the blue lace bra and undies set with the edible body cream assortment,"Whistler asked, his head covered by a bra cup. He waggled his eyebrows as scents of embarrassment assaulted his nose.

"Give me that, Whistler,"Joyce snapped as she yanked her bra away from Whistler, nearly taking his head off.

"Whoa, Mom! Ready for a *real* good time with Tweed Man!"Whistler winked as he dove into a new open box. Joyce groaned as she closed more boxes and started to pile them.

Giles's head perked up as he looked at the source of Joyce's embarrassment."Oh, my. Can you wear that soon?"

"Hey! Edible undies! And a set of scented body oils, "Angel shouted happily as he lifted his head from a box."Who is this for? Buff, please tell me that this is yours. Please?"

Joyce grabbed Angel from the box and smacked his behind."Angel, out. Buffy, these in my room. Now."

As the two women rushed up the stairs with their bounty, Spike looked at Giles, then shook his head."Scary, that's what it is."

Lifting an ear, Giles looked at the raccoon."What is? That I like Joyce in nice underwear?"

Spike shook his head."Nope. Just that if we're stuck like this, there's no way in hell any of us can enjoy the underwear."

The thought hit Giles, and he winced."Yes, I see your point."

Then Spike thought some more."And the fact that you like scented body oils. And that Mum wears transparent underwear for you. Makes me want to shiver."

Giles rolled his eyes. He then looked around him."Now that the entertainment is done, at the expense of my wife and Slayer. What do we have to ask ourselves?"

"Is Blonde going to model all the underwear she got for us?'Cause that'd be cool,"Whistler asked. He looked at the annoyed faces around him."Hey, with the exception of Tweed and Monkey-Wolf, I was saying what every male in this room was only thinking."

"Not in this lifetime, twerp,"Angel snarled as his tail stood straight up. Spike did a double take at Angel's hind legs.

"I know another one that better not have,"Cordelia said as she looked down at Xander, his face nuzzling her breast. Xander looked up at her.

"Not me, I'm purr-fectly happy where I am,"Xander quipped.

Giles rolled his eyes."Can we please get on with the matter at hand? Now?"

"In a minute, Watcher. Stupid, what the *hell* do you have on your feet? Shoes?"Spike demanded. Everyone looked at each other then at Spike, wondering at whom he was calling stupid.

Sniffing at Spike, Angel sat up and showed his feet."Shoes. Buffy thought that since I have poisoned feet, she might as well cover them as I sit on her shoulder."

"Where did she get the shoes?"Giles demanded. Angel shrugged.

"She took them off her doll's feet, cut them and then put them on mine. Patent black leather."

"Angel's wearing girly shoes! Angel's wearing girly shoes! You're a fairy after all! Girl shoes! Need a dress, too, Angela?"Spike taunted as he stood at the edge of the couch. Nana Bethie sighed and smacked him in the side of his head, rolling him towards Giles. He glared at Nana Bethie."Hey!"

"Stop it else I'm make a nice fur stole out of you,"Nana Bethie warned him. Sulking, Spike leaned against an astonished Giles as he glared at her."Fine, but if you hit me again, I'm giving you fleas, Beth!"

Giles shook his head as Willow rolled her eyes."I researched again on platypuses again. The poison is activated is self-defense or when they're fighting for a mate."

"This means that I can take them off now? Good, 'cause these new shoes are tight,"Angel said as he bent over to take the shoes off."Someone help me?"

Nana Bethie sighed as she went over to help him take off the shoes. Giles sighed again."Now may we start with something relevant? Like: How do we get back to normal? Nana, you called us here about a vision, what did you see?"

Nana Bethie smiled grimly."Nothing that you want to really experience. People of the world turned into plants and animals. With only her as the existing human. Then slowly going mad as the animals that retained their ability to think wages a war on her, and lose. Her then destroying all life. That's all."

Silence filled the room. Giles cleared his throat."Well...that's interesting. Anything else we should know about her?"

Willow raised her hand."Well, as far as we know, Diana isn't a goddess or a demon. She's a witch that hates men, so she changes them to animals. Women are changed into plants. Nothing really on her history or reasons."

"And from where we've been, almost all the places had animals and plants,"Buffy said as she walked down the stairs with her mother.

"And that the places were heavily populated,"Joyce added as she sat beside her husband."So if we were to find her, we go to a densely populated area."

"I have another question, why was she at Angel's bachelor party and who hired her?"Cordelia asked as she pointedly looked at all the males.

Whistler shrugged."Well, I have no idea who hired her. I know that I thought of it, and Beth knocked me on the head with her cane before I could voice it."

Xander lifted his head from Cordelia's chest."I know that if I had even tried, Buff would have maimed me after Cordy chopped me up into little pieces."

"Got that right,"Cordelia replied as she petted Xander's head.

"So then, that leaves the thought that Diana was targeting Angel, but by whom and why,"Joyce mused aloud."Angel, do you-"

Oz lifted his head up suddenly."Heads up, people. Dad in hall... on his way to uh-oh..."

"Uh-oh?"Buffy echoed."What do you mean 'Uh-oh'?"

*****

Oz looked towards the hall bathroom.”Your dad’s headed towards the bathroom...”

A blood curdling scream was heard from the hall. Frozen, Buffy stared at her mother while her mother stared at her. Then they stared at Oz.

Oz smiled weakly at them and looked at his wife. While Willow coughed, Cordelia answered."Well, when we got here from the store...we sort of put Scott and Owen in the bathroom. So that they wouldn't escape..."

Buffy and Joyce looked towards the hall bathroom."Oh, dear..."

Before they could get up, they saw an irate Hank Summers march into the living room."ELIZABETH ANNE SUMMERS! GET OVER HERE! What do you mean to put a FROG! A FROG of all things, for God's sake! INSIDE THE TOILET?!? AND WHAT IS A DUCK DOING IN THE BATHTUB?!?"

Hank glared sternly at his daughter."Elizabeth Anne, I thought that after that pig incident in the closet when you were three and the restaurant fish when you were five, you had learned your lesson! No animals in the house!"

Buff smiled weakly at her father."Well-"

"What pig?"Angel demanded as he looked at Buffy's red face.

"What restaurant fish?"Xander asked at the same time. Cordelia lightly smacked Xander on the head.”What? I’m hungry and sushi sound good just about now...”

Giles sat up to glare at Hank."Well, this isn't your bloody house now, is it?"

"But she is *my* daughter, Rupie,"Hank retorted back as he looked at the couch. Then he stared when all he saw was a blood hound. Then he saw the raccoon next to the dog, a cat and a ferret.

Joyce choked as she asked,"Willow? In the tub? In the toilet?"

"Well, there was no other place to put them,"Willow started. Hank stared at his daughter's best friend.

"You mean to say that you're the one who put the frog and the duck in the bathroom?"Hank asked incredulously."Why? What do you need them for? And what's with the menagerie?"

Willow smiled weakly at him."Well, uh, see we all felt,uh, well-"

"Hey, man, stop picking on my wife, she did what she thought was best for the frog and the duck considering they crashed on our party,"Oz said as he sat up, glaring at Hank. Confused, Hank looked around for Oz, and all he saw was a monkey.

"Is that boy Oz here? I swear I could have heard his voice,"Hank said as he looked around the room. Smiling devilishly, Oz stood up straighter.

"Yeah, I'm here Mr.S, talking to you. And stop picking on my wife,"Oz said as he pointed at Hank. Xander looked at Oz and decided to join the fun.

"Yeah, stop picking on Willow. Not her fault that they like the toilet and bath,"Xander said. Hank looked around in confusion.

"Better leave the girl bloody well alone, you blighter. Else Mum's gonna find an axe and kick your ass,"Spike shouted happily. Hank looked down on the floor, and his eyes widened when he saw the raccoon near his feet and a strange animal next to it. He saw the strange animal smack the raccoon with its flat tail.

"Spike, shut up,"Angel ordered as he looked at Hank a bit apologetically."Don't mind him, he was born with a lame brain."

Hank looked at Joyce and Buffy."I'm hallucinating, right? There can't be talking to animals in the house, right? A dream, right?"

Amy decided to get into the fun."Nope.I'm a witch, so's Willow. We both changed the men into animals so that they'll be more docile. And to put into our cooking pots if they make us mad."

Hank stared at the dark haired girl, then laughed uneasily."No. You are joking, right? It's all just fake? With ventriloquism, right? Not real, right?"

"Nope, it's quite real, you noddy,"Nana Bethie said joyfully at his confused face."And it's only just begun. A look at one woman, and Whoosh! you're a beast, though I prefer you to be a minnow on land, but then that's me."

Hank stared at Nana Bethie as if she had two heads."I'm dreaming this, right? The stress of the wedding has gotten to me. I know I shouldn't have tested Angel, but this is too strange. Like the Twilight Zone. This is a dream."

"Oh, no, baby, not the Twilight Zone,"Xander intoned at him ominously. "You have now entered the Buffster Zone. Where nothing is what it seems. Men masquerading as *animals*. *Musicians* becoming half-men. Vampires *really* platypuses and *other* nocturnal creatures-"

Faith stared at Xander."Nocturnal?"

"Nocturnal. My word for the day,"Xander said firmly as he looked pointedly at Faith.”And you just made me loose my speech...”

"*Women* really witches and sirens, Nanas *really* Finders, Slayers disguised as *daughters*,"Oz continued just as ominously as Spike sounded the 'Twilight Zone' theme."All apart of the *Buffster Zone*..."

"And bloody voices that seem to come out from nowhere,"Spike said in a low, hoarse tone as he approached Hank."Animals with familiar voices coming out from the dark...ready to attack the idiots of the night..."

Whistler, Oz and Xander all intoned."In the deepest of the night, it’s all apart of the *Buffster Zone*....do-de-do-do~do-de-do-do..."

"Oz,Xander,Spike, that will be quite enough of your shenanigans, we have more important work to do,"Giles said sternly at them. Hank looked at Buffy, then Joyce, confused.

"Is Rupe here? I swear that this is the second time I'm hearing his voice, from that-that dog. Is he here? Did he come back?"he asked her. Joyce merely smiled and shrugged.

"As far as I know, they're all still at Angel's bachelor party, Hank,"Joyce said. Then a sudden thought hit her, and she spoke slowly."They said that they found some entertainment at the bar and were staying to enjoy it. A new band of some sort. With a singer that he once knew."

"Entertainment? What entertainment? Angel's being entertained for his bachelor party by a band? With a singer he once knew? What happened to the stripper?"Hank demanded. When Joyce looked at him, he promptly shut his mouth.

"Dad? What stripper?"Buffy asked slowly as she approached him.

Hank looked frantically at his daughter as he strove for innocence."What stripper? Angel's friends hired a stripper?"

Nana Bethie looked at him sternly."Idiot, what did you do?"

"Nothing. I did nothing,"Hank said as he backed away from Nana Bethie's stern hazel eyes."At least nothing bad."

"Define nothing bad, you bloody pillock,"Giles growled at him. Hank looked at the big dog, then frantically looked at Joyce.

"Joyce! That dog's after-YEOWCH!!"Hank screamed. Joyce looked down at the floor and saw Spike smile hugely at her, his tail wagging happily."That raccoon bit me!"

"Got him for you, Mum,"Spike chittered happily. Angel swung his tail and smacked Spike on the head."Hey! Watch the tail, Stupid!"

"That's my future father-in-law that you bit, you nit! Even if he *is* an idiot!"Angel yelled as his tail swung at Spike again. Spike caught Angel's tail then bit it."Yeow!"

"Liam! You know that you shouldn't have bitten Angel! And I thought I told you to not hurt Hank until *after* the wedding," Joyce said her arms on her hip. Spike shrugged unrepentantly.

"Buffy! I need a bandage!"Hank howled as he gripped his leg. Buffy ran to get the first aid kit.

"Doesn't count. Not a vampire anymore,"Spike said with a shrug. "Besides, I don't fancy being a raccoon forever.Hey, Tweed! Want a piece of him? Or do you want to be the dog of the house? What about you, Stupid? You want to be a hat for your Slayer in bed? And *never* get to use all that underwear she just got?"

"You have a point, mate,"Giles leaped over off the couch and jumped, baring his teeth towards Hank as Angel dove at Hank's feet, but was stepped on by Giles. Angel let out another loud squeal."Sorry, Angel."

"God! Your feet smell!"Spike chittered as he tried to reach Hank's feet again. "Tell us what you know!"

"Boys! Boys! Stop this! Rupert, stop!"Joyce shouted as she tried to grab Giles and pull him back. Instead, she stepped on Xander's tail and he let out a loud scream.

"Yeow! That hurt!"Xander shouted as he looked at Joyce, then quickly climbed up a chair to jump on to Hank. Cordelia made to get Xander when he launched himself.

Climbing on top of his chair, Hank yelped when he felt claws on his back, and was promptly beaned in the head by a piece of fruit, then another and another. All were thrown by Oz, then was grabbed by his wife."Oz! Stop that!"

"Why? He hired the stripper and made me a live cuddle-monkey. Think of it! You in the thong and me as a monkey! Forming a picture that’s not, Will!"

As Hank waved his arms to gain his precarious balance and to rid whatever it was on his back, Whistler snaked on to the chair and bit Hank's other foot, then spit. "Ew! Don't you ever wash your feet, man? TIMBER!"

Yelping, Hank jumped when he felt something bite his foot, and  dazed he felt his feet hit something as he landed on the floor.

Buffy entered the kitchen on a run and screamed when she saw a snarling Angel jumping at the foot of the chair that her father was standing on. And in slow motion saw her father ready to fall of top of him. She dove and covered Angel as her father's feet hit her on the shoulder blades.

Hank started to sit up and was promptly knocked down by the big hound that Joyce was holding back."Ah, Joycie? Nice dog. Nice doggie. Joycie?"

"No Joycie here to save you now, pillock! Tell us, where did you hire the stripper for Angel's party,"Giles demanded as he bared his teeth. Hank gulped, too dazed to wonder at having a dog talking to him.

"From-from Evening Entertainers. Dealt with a man named Rayne, all cash,"Hank said quickly. He heard a noise to his back, and knew, without seeing that it was Buffy."I hired a stripper because I needed time to look Angel over. Too see if he was good enough for my little girl. To see how much she trusted him. To see how much he loved her. Striper was to come on to him, and then say if he...if he..."

"If he took up her invitations. Hank, that is the *stupidest* thing that I have ever heard you do. It tops the little tests that you put me through while we were married,"Joyce said as she glared at him with hard eyes."I *told* you, Buffy and Angel love each other. That's that."

"Joyce, I had to know with my own eyes. I needed to know, to believe, that he was good enough for my little girl,"Hank pleaded her to understand as he tried to approach her. The dog that talked like Rupert Giles bared his fangs at him.

"I knew that I should have put more crushed laxative in the butter,"the dog growled at him.

"Oh, Daddy, I'm not your little girl anymore. I haven't been for years,"Buffy said sadly as she hugged Angel closer to her. Angel glared at Buffy's father for hurting her.

Nana Bethie glared at the idiot."Now that through your stupidity, you have hurt the one that you loved most-"

"I want you out of the house,"Joyce interrupted as she looked at her ex-husband."Forget what I said in the hospital. I don't want you here in my house, disturbing my marriage to Rupert and hurting my daughter. The minute sunlight hits, I'll make arrangements for you to lodge somewhere else."

"But, Joyce-"

"But NOTHING!"Joyce roared as she took a step towards him. Giles stepped off Hank to let him face his wife's full fury."I swear Hank Summers you are *such* a-a-a, words can't describe what you are! A PILLOCK! A WANKER! AN IDIOT! AN ASSHOLE!"

Hank looked at Joyce's angry face and shrank back. Joyce looked down at her ex-husband as she clenched her fists."I got over how you tried to take over *my* life when we were married, but how *DARE* you presume to play God with Buffy's life, you pillock! You who have never been there for her when she needed you, you who presumed that she would be frozen in time for your convenience! I should have let Rupert rip out your bollocks and shove it down your measly little throat!"

Nana Bethie looked at Giles, impressed."You offered to do that? How wonderful!"

"I'm changing my mind about you, Watcher,"Spike called out."Keep at him, Mum! Blighter deserves it!"

Joyce continued to rage against Hank."I have had enough of your games in my house! I have had enough of your playing with Angel and Buffy's life! You would have known more about Angel *had* you the presence of mind to *ask* Buffy about him! *HAD* you the presence of mind to spend time with your daughter instead of traveling the world!”

Angel waved a little paw as he cheered her on.”Go Joyce! Tell the idiot off! And about his stupid oath!”

Ignoring him, Joyce continued.“Angel himself could have told you, or shown you how much he loves Buffy! But no! You had to have a little test and now he’s a platypus and my husband’s a dog! And all because of your insecurities! It’s quite enough! I want you about of this house. If I see you here in the morning, I am going to carve off your bollocks, and stick them in your mouth. Then I'll take my ski pole, then shove it so hard and fast to a place where the sun doesn't shine with my bat and then hang you upside down to knock the pole out of you! Then I'll shove the bat in and knock it out of you with the pole! Got it?"

"Got it,"Hank said meekly. Giles smiled at his wife adoringly as she still glared at Hank.

"I'm speechless,"Spike whispered with wide eyes as he looked at her. He nudged an open mouthed Angel."She needs a bit of work on the torturing bit, but she has potential, doesn't she, Angel? You tell him, Mum!"

Buffy stared at Joyce's angry face."Mom! What about the vamp-, I mean, the hunting for Dad before the wedding?"

"Your father will stay with the Carruthers at the resort,"Nana Bethie said as she looked at Hank Summers with a steely eye."I will brook no objections. Rupert, stand away."

Giles moved from Nana Bethie's path. Hank slowly sat up as Nana Bethie approached him."Say good night, idiot."

And with that, Nana Bethie hit Hank in the jaw with her left. Hank slumped down. As she stood, she looked at Willow, Amy and Cordelia."The three of you shall take him to his room, he'll be out until morning."

Buffy stared a her great-grandmother. Nana Bethie smiled at her consolingly."Not to worry, Elizabeth, I pulled the punch. Your father has a glass jaw. He will be fine for the wedding. In the meantime, Joyceln, bring some cold drinks, Elizabeth, a broom to clean this mess if you please. Rupert-"

"I'm off to the men's room, Nana,"Rupert said as he climbed the stairs. Then promptly came back down."It seems that I need to use Nature's way rather than the toilet. Ah, Joyce?"

Joyce moved to open the front door. And promptly screamed when something flashed into the house. Giles lunged for it as it streaked under the couch."What on earth was that?"

"It's me,"said as familiar voice. Buffy groaned as Giles growled at the figure under the side chair."Nice, Ripper. Be a good dog and let me out of here. Safely. Please?"

"Nana? This is the animal that you saw that was supposed to help us? Wonderful,"Buffy groaned. Willow shook her head.

"Figures that Ethan Rayne would behind this. Don't start until we get the idiot, I mean, Buffy's father into his room,"Willow sighed as she grabbed an arm.

"You do that. I'm not coming out until I get assurances that I'm going to be safe,"Ethan said. Joyce sighed then shoved the side chair hard, revealing Ethan's small frame. He looked up and sighed."Well, I guess that's one way of getting me out in the open. How is everyone? The men are all animals I see. Guess that the bachelor party was fun."

"Oh, yeah, we turned into real party animals with a lot of thanks to you,"Xander said as he approached Ethan cautiously."What the hell are you?"

"From the looks of it, I think a lizard of some sort,"Willow said as she studied Ethan's small frame.

"He's a chameleon,"Nana Bethie sighed as she looked at the small chameleon."And a tiny one at that."

"Oh, thank you for telling me what I am, I really couldn't tell at all,"Ethan said as he looked at her and the animals around him."So who's the raccoon and the platypus?"

"Cut the bloody crap and tell us how to get out of this bloody mess,"Spike growled. Ethan's eyes widened."Before I snap your neck like a bloody twig."

"And we have not been introduced, my good sir,"Ethan said in mock horror. Giles growled at Ethan as Spike walked closer and bared his teeth at him.

"Name's Spike, as in the vampire. Killed people with railroad spikes and I'm more than willing to kill you,"Spike growled. Giles stood above him."With my teeth..."

"It's my fun first,"Giles growled as he neared."I've wanted to torture him longer than you."

Sighing, Nana Bethie picked up Ethan by his tail."Neither of you shall have this one...yet. Tell me, Trickster, what did you hope to gain from this?"

"Ah, satisfaction?"Ethan smiled ungraciously. Nana Bethie smiled as she started slowly twirling Ethan around by his tail."Yeow! That hurts! Let me go! Let go!"

Nana Bethie stopped, then placed her thumb hard on the back of Ethan's head, preventing him from biting her."Now, before I spin you around again, what did you hope to gain from this mischief?"

"I can't breathe,"Ethan choked. Nana Bethie relieved the pressure slightly."Money. Favor. Some fun. Some revenge. All that."

Buffy stared hard at the little lizard."My dad's money. Diana's favor. Fun against me and Angel. Revenge against Giles. Great. Can I kill him now, Nana?"

"Whoa! Peace! Truce! If you kill me, your groom will be a whatever he is forever,"Ethan said as he tried to look at Buffy, but the old woman held on to him tight."And I don't fancy that you want your step-father Watcher a hound until he dies."

Buffy crossed her arms."All right, then tell me, what do I do to break the mojo on Angel and the others?"

"What's in it for me?"Ethan countered. Nana Bethie applied more pressure on Ethan's neck."All right...I'll talk. Just ease up on the vocal chords, I like singing tenor, you know."

Nana Bethie lifted him up to her face."Keep up the bad manners and I'll make sure that you sing falsetto...permanently. Now, the way to break the spell, please."

Ethan glared at her."Fine. You must go to my office and get the statue she was frozen in. Then you must go to the forest and perform a spell that I have memorized and cover the statue with pieces of silk, linen, cotton, fur, leather and some feathers. And either a virgin or pregnant witch must perform it. Preferably a pregnant one."

Giles sighed."Wonderful. Are our resident witches either one?"

Amy shook her head as Willow raised her hand up tentatively."I know that Oz and I have been trying, but we don't know, that is, I'm not sure that I am. Pregnant, I mean."

"I guess we'll stop by the local drug store and get a kit to see if you are. But it gives me the wiggins to use you like this, Will,"Buffy sighed."Does this mean that I get to be a god-mother to the baby?"

"Oh, yeah, but we don't call them god-mothers,"Willow said brightly, then her face fell slightly."But what if I'm not?"

"Do you need special training to be a witch?"Joyce asked hesitantly. Amy looked at Willow, then both shook their heads. Giles looked at his wife.

"What are you getting at Joyce?"Giles demanded, half in awe and fear."Are you saying-"

"Maybe,"Joyce blushed. She looked at Buffy and her brown eyes softened. "I'm having the same symptoms that I had with Buffy. I mean, with Buffy, I was more dizzy and had food cravings every morning, noon and night. But not so much with this one. So I'm not a hundred percent sure, but-"

"Oh, Joyce,"Giles said softly as he padded over to his wife and laid his head against her stomach. Smiling, Joyce bent down to hug her husband.

Her mind still whirling at what her mom had said, Buffy stared at her mother and her step-father Watcher. When the full implication hit her a moment later, her eyes widened as she focused on her mother's still flat stomach. Then at Willow's."No."

Startled, Joyce looked at her daughter."What no?"

"I mean, no, you're not performing the spell. Neither is Willow if she's pregnant,"Buffy said forcefully."We'll find a virgin witch to do the spell. It's too dangerous."

"Buffy, there may not be a choice,"Willow protested. Oz stroked his wife's hair.

"Sorry to say this, honey, but if there's a danger, I don't want you to do the spell if you're carrying my cub, I mean kid,"Oz said. "Especially if it's dangerous."

"The spell is not dangerous,"Ethan protested. He looked at the faces around him."Really. Trust me."

"As far as I can throw you, which normally wouldn't be very far. But if I throw you against the wall like you are now, it'll do. And who will really care if I break your neck in the process?" Buffy said cheerfully as she gathered Angel in her arms.

Giles looked at his Slayer."Buffy...I don't like this either. But we may not have any choice. If the future that...wait. Hold on...Nana? Can you?"

Nana walked over to both Joyce and Willow. As she touched one, then the other on their lower stomachs, she closed her eyes and smiled."I'm going to be a great-grandmother again. They are both with child."

She looked at Buffy."And both shall suffer no harm should they perform the spell. Diana fashions herself after the goddess. She will not harm them. She cannot."

Xander looked at Nana Bethie."Can I say, huh?"

Nana Bethie sighed."Diana is the Roman goddess of the moon, hunt, virgins and childbirth. The witch Diana that we are dealing with, derives her power from her. So she cannot hurt a pregnant witch at least not from what I can see."

Ethan coughed."Since I am so intimate with your thumb, may I ask who you are?"

Buffy smiled wickedly at Ethan as she looked at her great-grandmother."Ethan Rayne, meet my great-grandmother, Nana Bethie. Nana, Ethan Rayne. Piss her off, she can find you anywhere you are and mutilate you."

"Nice to meet you. Can you let me go now?"

"Not after we have dealt with the mischief you have brought forth,"Nana Bethie said smoothly."And for the moment, I do insist on making your life hell."

*****

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