Meeting Nana
*****
The room of people stared at the diminutive, elderly woman in the teal traveling suit before them. In just a few second of being in the Giles house, she had already managed to shock everyone of them.
Xander and Willow stared at Buffy’s Nana Bethie. It was hard to see this woman deck the large Hank Summers, yet she did. With one mean left hook. When she set a steely hazel eye upon them, Willow smiled weakly.”Hi! I’m, uh, Willow Rosenberg Ozmandias. And this is Xander Harris, and the, uh, werewolf is my husband, Oz. I’m assuming that you’re Nana Bethie? And Lady Atherton?”
“Obviously,”Nana Bethie said as she regally nodded her head at her. She turned to look at Spike, Angel and Rupert Giles. Spike was glaring at her, the one called Angel was giving her an enigmatic look and Rupert was confused. Dismissing them momentarily, Nana Bethie looked at her female relatives with a stern eye. “And may I ask the two of you what is going on at this hour of the night, especially with *that* vampire, Spike? Explinations, please? Joyceln? Elizabeth?”
Joyce and Buffy stared at Nana Bethie. Both exchanged a look of confusion. She knew about Watchers. She knew about Buffy being a Slayer. And she knew Spike. So what was going on? Joyce looked down at her Nana cautiously. ”Nana? You know...about Watchers, Slayers and vampires? Are you a Watcher as well?”
Giles cleared his throat. “Actually, Joyce, she’s not. She’s a member of the Watchers, but technically she’s a retired Finder. Is that not right, Lady Atherton?”
“A Finder?”Joyce looked at Buffy who shrugged in confusion. She then looked her husband who was looking at Nana Bethie as if she were a threat.
Spike snorted.”What the bloke you married is saying, Mum, is that this Nana Bethie of yours is a bloody Hound! She’s part of the Watchers that finds would-be-Slayers.”
Buffy and Joyce stared at Nana Bethie, then at Spike. Spike ignored the looks and growled at the elderly woman.”We vampires always kill and suck the husks of Hounds. Don’t we, Beth?”
“You always try, but as I recall, *I’m* the one that gave you that scar over your eyes over eighty years ago. Want a matching one?”Nana said as she smiled coldly at the vampire while whipping out a stake from her sleeve.”I distinctly remember telling you to keep away from me and mine, Spike...”
“Whoa! A Nana with an attitude and ready to stake! I can see where Buffy gets that from,”Xander said in wonder. He winced when Willow hit him.
Joyce quickly stepped in between Spike and Nana Bethie, her arms spread wide to protect Spike.”Now, Nana, when Liam visits, we have a No Violence, No Feeding Rule in this house.”
Nana Bethie stared at her gradndaughter.“Joyceln Aramintha Carruthers! Are you telling me that you allow this vampire a free reign in your home? Has your previous marriage to that-that lackwit addled you?”
As Joyce flushed at her Nana’s incredulous tone, Spike snarled at Nana Bethie.”Don’t you speak to her like that, Beth! Even if you are her bloody nana!”
Nana Bethie stared at Spike as he furiously continued.”Yeah, I get to come in if I want. Just can’t bite anyone in the house and they can’t attack me! So what of it?”
“Not for lack of trying,”Buffy snarled back. Buffy looked at Nana Bethie.”I don’t like it either when he’s here, but Spike saved Mom’s life a few times. And Mom, for some *ungodly* reason, likes him and calls him ‘Liam’ while he calls her ‘Mum’, though why I have no idea. Even though *she’s really MY mother* and not his.”
Spike snorted at her as his eyes never left the face of the woman that gave him his scar.”Get over it, Slayer. You were too busy dotting demons to help yer Mum! Some daughter you are!”
With her fists clenched, Buffy stepped forward toward Spike when Joyce stopped her with a hand.”Buffy! Liam! Stop this bickering right now! Buffy’s fine just the way she is, Liam, just as you are...when you’re in this house, at least. So stop fighting now, both of you!”
Nana Bethie stared at her granddaughter. Joyce smiled weakly as tried to describe Spike.”Nana, please! He’s really-”
“Please don’t say sweet, Mum. Or nice, or anything like that,”Spike growled as he kept his eyes on Nana Bethie and her stake.
“Polite,”Joyce finished. She smiled weakly at her Nana.”And he behaves very well...usually. When Buffy or Angel or Rupert or Willow or Xander or Faith or Cordelia or Oz don’t attack him first. And then only to defend himself. That’s when it gets violent. And I lose several pieces of furniture. Speaking of, whose turn is it to buy me a new coffee table, lamp and statue? Who threw the first punch?”
”It was me.I get pay for it this time,”Angel coughed. He winced when Buffy’s Nana Bethie stared at him.“No Violence Rule states that whoever throws the first punch pays for the broken furniture.”
“Yeah, and so far they’ve broken nine coffee table, eighteen vases, three sofas, five armchairs, two bookcases, twelve lamps and six sets of curtains, and crashed through the windows twenty times,”Willow said helpfully. Nana Bethie stared at her great-grand-daughter’s friend.”We’re, uh, not counting the various wooden utensils that were broken along the way. If it helps, we’re going for the record on who breaks more stuff: Buffy, Angel, Giles, Faith or Xander.”
“I do believe that I have stepped into Bedlam,”Nana Bethie said faintly as she lowered her stake. She looked at Joyce, who had lowered her arms when she lowered the stake. Then at Giles. Oz, still in his werewolf state, whined at Giles.
Nana Bethie looked down.”Silence! Bad werewolf! Sit! Rupert, could you not have just made my granddaughter pregnant so that she would have a few babies to worry over instead of a vampire? Have a least a moppet or an ankle-biter or have her pushing a pram by now?”
“What’d she just say?” Xander whispered to Willow who shrugged in confusion.
Spike made a face at Nana Bethie.”Oh, please! That’s an image I don’t need! Mum having babies all over the place! Ugh!”
“Who’s asking you, vampire?”Nana Bethie snarled back as she looked at Giles’s red face.”When you fought with the Council with my help, I thought that was the least of what would happen!”
“Well, er, we have been trying hard. I mean intensely,”Giles stammered as he looked at his red-faced wife. Then he glared when he heard a collective ‘Ew!’ from Buffy, Willow and Xander.”It’s just that...well...”
“I’ll speak with you later, Rupert,” said Nana Bethie as she rolled her eyes. She then she rounded at Buffy.”And could you just not have enjoyed having sex with him?”
Angel glared at Nana Bethie as pointed at him. She glared at her great-granddaughter as she demanded,”Is it *really* necessary for you to marry him? Isn’t your generation supposed to believe in mindless sex?”
“Nana! You-you-you’re not supposed to speak this way! You’re a Nana!”Buffy said shocked. Nana Bethie rolled her eyes as she looked at her great-granddaughter with no little amount of amusement or affection.
“Elizabeth, my dear, when you reach the ripe age of ninety-four, you can speak whatever like,”she said gently. Then her eyes rested on Angel, and her hazel eyes turned hard.”And if I want to speak about your sex life with a vampire or human, I will. Could you just not let her be, vampire? Or let her just enjoy you? Need you marry her of all people?”
“Yes, I need to marry her,”Angel gritted out.”As much as I want and need her in my bed, I need to marry *her*!”
Buffy blushed as she hid her face in Angel’s chest. Nana then rounded at Giles.”I must say, Rupert, that I never expected this! Even when you extremely wild and were nearly sent to Borstal. This is beyond the pale, Rupert!”
Spike looked at the Watcher with some interest.”You were nearly sent to a reform school, Watcher? I am impressed!”
Giles merely glared at the vampire as Lady Atherton continued.”But this takes the cake! Being drunk on the job is one thing! My granddaughter allowing my great-grand daughter to marry Angellus, the ensouled Scourge of Europe is one thing! Allowing her to have Spike have free access to her home is quite another! Is there anything else I forgot? Oh, yes...the werewolf...”
As Oz sat on his feet, Giles reddened even more as he smiled weakly at Lady Atherton. He quickly tried to clear his befuddled mind. Lady Atherton and Nana Bethie were the same person.”Lady Atherton, ah, Nana Bethie...I am sure that I can explain what is going on right now...”
“Please do,”Nana Bethie said crisply. Giles cleared his throat, started, stopped, then started again.”I must say that I am all agog in waiting for a perfectly reasonable explanation for being drunk, allowing Spike free reign into your house, letting my great-granddaughter become a wife to a vampire and finally, allowing this idiot to live here before the wedding.”
“Well...you see, it’s like this...”Giles began. A crisp knock was heard at the door. Giles looked at it in relief. ”Xander, could you please answer that?”
Xander opened it and gave a hearty smile.”Hel-LO Officer! And Officer! Look, people, it’s two officers that are here! Is there a problem?”
One officer with dark hair entered while another with red stepped in behind him, and dismissed Xander as they surveyed the room.”Who lives in this house?”
Giles and Joyce raised their hands.”It’s ah, our house. What seems to be the problem?”
“A disturbance was reported here. Screaming, fighting, dog barking. We’re here to investigate,”the dark haired officer said. His eyes caught Hank Summer’s inert form over the arm chair.”Is that man hurt? And what is that smell?”
“Well, uh,”Giles stammered.”He’s not really hurt per se, he’s simply knocked out. By a simple misunderstanding.”
When Nana Bethie snorted, Joyce gave her Nana a look, then smiled at the officers.”Yes, it was a simple misunderstanding-”
“It looks as if it was one heck of a misunderstanding, Ma’am,”the red haired officer said.”Broken furniture all around, bruises on yourself and your husband, and an unconscious man on the armchair-”
“What the bloody hell are you? A bean counter? We know what the bloody hell is wrong and we don’t need you to fix it!”Spike shouted at the officer. Joyce laid a hand on Spike arm as she squeezed it tightly. The officers jointly took a menacing step towards Spike. Spike was about to step forward to meet them, but Joyce’s arm held him back.
“You have to excuse my, ah, nephew he’s a bit overly distraught over what happened tonight,”Joyce smiled weakly at the officers.
“What exactly happened, ma’am?”the dark haired officer said as he glanced at his partner. His partner rested his hand loosely on the gun.
“What do you think happened?”Nana Bethie said crisply. The officers looked at the diminutive, elderly woman.”I am Elizabeth Angelica Carruthers, the Dowager Lady Atherton. And I am quite sure that you can see what has obviously happened.”
The two officers looked at each other then at her.”And the obvious is, Mrs. Atherton?”
“Lady Atherton,” corrected Nana Bethie imperiously. The two officers glanced at each other as they focused their attention on her.
The Lady Atherton sniffed imperiously again at the officers.”I am here for my great-granddaughter’s wedding, but through some mix-up at the horrible aeroport at L.A. I was unable to come with my...great-nephew...Excuse me, something was in my throat, until this ungodly hour. Rather than waking up the household, we decided to use our key to open the door.”
The Scooby gang and Spike remained silent as Lady Atherton wove her tale.“Unfortunately, the man that you see unconscious, is the father of the bride. He mistakenly thought us as intruders and attacked...my great-nephew there. In the issuing fisticuffs, my grandson, Mr. Giles, and my future great-grandson over there, who were coming home from a late night of drinking with friends, saw two figures fighting in the dark. So what did they naturally do?”
“They got into the fisticuffs?”the red-haired officer offered. Lady Atherton nodded at him grandly.
“Exactly. By this time, my grand-daughter was awake and had turned on the lights, and saw her husband about to be punched by her former, idiotic ex-husband,”Lady Atherton said.”And so she dove into the fight. Her nephew managed to forcibly sedate the idiot, and that is why he is prostate over the arm chair. We were trying to decide if we should undress him or not because he had wet his pants during the melee. And *that* is what happened. Is there anymore questions?”
The officers shook their heads slowly. Lady Atherton smiled coolly and signaled to Xander to open the door for them. Xander caught the look and opened it widely.”Now that is all cleared to you Bobbies, it is time for you to leave. This household must prepare for a wedding in a few days and we need our rest for the planning. So please do not stand here in our account and we do thank you for your concern. And now, we bid you good-night.”
“I guess there’s nothing here to really report, just a small misunderstanding.”The dark haired officer headed for the door, his head shaking in confusion. The redheaded one followed slowly when Oz caught his eye.
“What the *hell* is that?”
Lady Atherton looked at the officer with a steely eye.”There is no need to curse, young man. Your language is appalling. But to answer your question, *that* is a werewolf.”
The red-haired officer stared at Lady Atherton.”What? I don’t believe it!”
“Then don’t. But if you would rather believe that he is an Irish wolfhound mixed with the blood of a German shepherd and Siberian Husky, along with a few other dogs,” Lady Atherton said.”Specially breeded, then please do so.”
The officer looked at Oz warily as he growled.“It’s a dog that I’ve never seen!”
“Are you totally lacking in wits or do you just like to hear me talk?”Lady Atherton sighed. The officer looked at her blankly. “I just said that the dog is specially bred. The dog’s antecedents were specifically chosen so that the dog that you see before you is designed to have the constitution of wolf. He was brought here to see if he is able to breed, and will not be for sale anytime soon. Now if you will say good-night. Please do not stand on ceremony as you leave. Good night.”
When the officer left, Lady Atherton looked at the stunned faces in the room.”We will continue this discussion in the morning or evening. And I will interrogate Spike and Angel tomorrow eve, Rupert at tea time, and in the morn, Joyclyn and Elizabeth.”
Willow looked at Lady Atherton.”Who’s Elizabeth?”
Blushing, Buffy waved her hand.”Me. I’m Elizabeth. But Nana-”
“To bed, sweet, and I’ll brook no arguements. It’s late,”Nana Atherton said. She looked at Spike with some rancor.”Sleep wherever you sleep, but remember, I’ll have my stake with me. And I’ll know where you are.”
“Nana,”Joyce began. Nana Bethie looked at her granddaughter affectionately.
“Go to bed, Joyceln, and take your husband with you,”she said.”I’m betting that you haven’t been properly bedded since this idiot barged in on you for the wedding.”
She ignored Joyce’s sputtering and looked at Giles.”Rupert, go ravish your wife. Children, I assume that you will go home now?”
Willow and Xander nodded as they gathered Oz.”Well, good-night now. See you tomorrow, Buffy?”
As Buffy waved, Angel looked at Nana Bethie hopefully.”Does this mean that I can go and ravish Buffy, Nana Bethie? Please?”
Nana Bethie stared at Angel then at Buffy. Buffy grumbled as she blushed.”Dad made him promise to not ravish me until after the wedding.”
“Any idiot that agrees to that oath deserves what he gets,”Nana snorted delicately. She looked at Angel.”No, you may not ravish Elizabeth. And it’s because you were stupid enough to be suckered by the idiot. Now, everyone, off to bed. Joyceln, my room? Never mind, dear, I’ll allow Elizabeth to show me it. Angel, you may bring my bags up. They’re outside and there are five of them. Lead the way, Elizabeth.”
“But what about Hank?”Joyce said as she pulled her mouth away from Giles’s. She planted her feet on the carpet as Giles started pulling her up the stairs.”Rupert! Stop pulling me! Wait! We have to get Hank off the sofa!”
“No, we don’t. Nana said so,”Giles said as he kissed Joyce behind her ear. Then lifted her.”So on the sofa he stays.”
“Rupert, ravish her so that she’ll forget about the idiot. Anyway, he deserves to be uncomfortable,”Nana snorted. She met Joyceln’s then Elizabeth’s troubled faces with a steel eye.”And you leave your father there, child. Unless you want to undress him so that he won’t smell up your mother’s sheets.”
Buffy made a face, then looked at Angel, her lips pouting. Desperately ignoring it, Angel merely headed towards the front door quickly.”So sorry, Buff. I gotta bring in Nana’s bags. To relieve the tension your father’s putting me through. Killing most of the vamps in Sunnydale just isn’t cutting it! Besides, I don’t want Nana to give me her left hook!”
Nana Bethie shook her head.”What and idiot! Causing so much tension before the wedding. It’s a wonder that all the vampires in Sunnydale are not after him!”
“Well, actually, they are,”Spike coughed. Buffy stared at Spike. Joyce stared at Spike. Nana Bethie merely rolled her eyes.
“Wonderful. The man’s not only an idiot, he’s now a hunted idiot. Tell it to me in the evening. It’s time for bed,”Nana Bethie said.”Joyceln, Rupert, lead the way.”
~Fin...for now.
