The Mystery of the Reversed Purple Pyramid

phase of column: Last Quarter
By Cyclopean Orm
(with occasional comments from the Blue Rubber Rabbit)

Welcome to the seventh column of Cyclopean Orm. This is a special edition folks. After the regular column, I'm going to treat you to what you've been hoping and clamoring to see for quite a while: some private, one of a kind fiction from yours truly. Yep, one of my stories. And it's a GOOD one. I'm talking about a magnitude of the "eternal art" sort. One problem though. I've been having these strange headaches. They are making me sort of psychotic, and I have been actually "ranting" a little bit as of late. I think it is because of a book I recently read. Anyway . . .

[(click) solenoid-tracing]

This is the only place in the world you can legally read and enjoy my little story titled "In His Cage Our Dreams." That doesn't mean you should skip right to it. Go ahead and read the rest of the column, because there WILL BE A TEST LATER. But if you must skip ahead to the story, just go down to the bottom and click on the picture of the antique Bush Bakelite Television set. I kind of hate people who skip ahead, but I know it takes all kinds of people to make the world turn and all that crap. I really do realize that fact.

Another mind boggling option to click on is the recipe for TEONACTL. I obtained this recipe from a co-worker when I worked at Federal Express. This was just a normal, attractive, middle aged woman that I talked to on lunch on occasion. She also said one time, "I guess if we bring some goddamn machine guns up here they'll listen to us." She was kind of stressed out about how the managers treated everyone.

You see, that's what a company like Fedex can do to a normal, attractive, middle aged woman. Purple and Orange bastards, in my humble opinion. Take my advice. Fly like an Eagle and use the U.S. Post Office. Don't you love the fact that they are using the Steve Miller song in their advertising? (I don't know Steve Miller, but I know his brother, Jimmy. I'm practically famous. I swear to God I am.)

For the recipe, click on the gas calendar AZTEC goddess. TEONACTL in Aztec means "God's Flesh", so I'm stretching it a bit to show some Goddess' Flesh. But you will LOVE the recipe.

For a third bonus, you can click on the Electric Green Test Pattern Sphinx and read a puzzle that I came across recently that I like. It took me 19 minutes to solve it, but I think I got lucky. It took me 25 minutes to REWRITE it, because the version I saw was using the group U2 and I had to do something about THAT. Nothing wrong with the band, but they just aren't COLORFUL enough for the riddle if you know what I mean and you will later if you don't.

And your fourth treasure is actually an invitation/explanation. As you probably know... this is the next to the last column of the series. But, if you have grown accustomed to my strangeness, have hope. By clicking on the fishing lure, you can find out all about joining the Order Of The Fish.

By the way, "In His Cage Our Dreams" might be up for only a limited time because I like it so much that I plan to have it published in a paper medium somewhere.

Speaking of paper mediums, the book I am recommending is called Horrors! 365 Scary Stories. (This is NOT the book that made me psychotic, so you can rest easy.) And I'm not recommending it just because I have four of my own stories in there. (The ISBN is 0-7607-014105.) The book is available all over the country through Barnes & Noble, Bookstop, B. Dalton, and Walden bookstores. (If you run into a cashier at one of these stores that says they don't have it, give them the ISBN and demand that they order it. If they tell you that "it's not showing up on my screen," then ask to speak to a manager. If the manager doesn't help you, then ask for the Barnes and Noble headquarter's phone number and call there and complain. (B&N owns Dalton, Bookstop, and Walden. If THEY still don't listen, tell them you are taking all your future business to Amazon.com.) It is only 12.98 in HARDBACK. That is a whopper of a bargain, figuring in at only 4 cents a story. (Some stores are having a sale on it, giving 50% off, so you might see it for only 6.50) It has mind-stealing art work on the cover by Kevin McGuinness. I love the nurse with the green eyes on the front. On the back, I particularly enjoyed the row of what appears to be X-rayed entombed skeletons.

This book is geared to anyone on the run, extremely busy, or suffering from ADD, and who also might happen to like scary stories of the Old Twilight Zone/Old Outer Limits variety or cutting edge psycho-mind-cutter stuff. The idea is to put this tome by your bedside, or in the bathroom, or even by the phone. You ever been on hold waiting for Fedex to help you? You have to have SOMETHING to do, by God. You might as well read while you're their prisoner. Because they are going to make SURE that by the time you find out where in HELL your package is that you have aged a significant amount in our time continuum. That company is on the SKIDS, I swear. On the way OUT. They might as well get their beer and resumes ready. Yep, hot dog/road map time. That train is going to the graveyard. This baby has got the wheels of a . . .

[Skip]

Each story in the book is no longer than 750 words and can be read at one sitting. Let me reword that: can be read at one stopping. At one pausing. You can give this book to friends WHO DO NOT LIKE TO READ.

If you read one story a day, this mother will last a YEAR. Tremendous gift potential here:

"Here you go. This covers Christmas, Valentine's Day, your Birthday, and Fill-in-the-blank day."

And TRUST ME. They will like it. Just say:

"Well, I didn't know what to get you, but this has SO MUCH in it, that I was sure you would enjoy SOMETHING in it. Didn't you say you liked to watch those old Twilight Zone reruns on the Sci-Fi channel while you're eating Fruit Loops? Didn't you say something about liking Stephen King's teeth?"

Here's a suggestion: Take the price tag off of something more expensive and put it on the back of the book's cover, on the bar code. (AFTER you leave the store.) You can even deny that you paid the fictional amount:

"Oh, I didn't pay THAT much for it. It was definitely very reasonably priced. Anyway, I thought you would like it since you mentioned how you wet your pants every time you see a black and white Outer Limits rerun."

They'll believe that you DID pay 34.99 for it. It's human nature for them to do so.

I didn't want my copy to last a whole year. I'm still traumatized from that time when I tried to quietly and slowly enjoy a grape Popsicle when I was seven years old and living in Oak Cliff, Texas. I STILL have that funky white T-shirt with the up side down purple pyramid on it. That event seemed to define an alternative procedure-for-action that would hold true for the rest of my life. Namely, to not take too long when doing something.

So, I had to quickly read ALL of the book. Before it melted I guess.

If you want to view my listing of the top 37 stories (10%), point your cursor at the book cover and click.

Because I am a gentleman, I did not include the four that were written by yours truly. But you are free to do that when you make your own list. The four stories I wrote are: "Little Man," "Time Flies," "Plant Kingdom," and "The Silver and the Damage Done." As a matter of fact, read mine first, then read the above thirty-seven. You will see the MAJESTY of this book.

But I am just like any other writer. I think mine are goddamned works of eternal art. You HAVE to think like that if you are going to get anywhere besides the underbelly in the writing business.

It has been said that being a writer is like being David Lee Roth. No matter what kind of crap anyone may dish out, you thumb your nose at them and say "Catch you later, baby. I gotta go SWING. That's right. Nothing but the cool breeze of success, coming my way. You tell me I suck, just watch me fly. Here's my white gloves waving 'goodbye.'"

Imagine DLR saying that. I've known a few guys who are just like that, always thumbing their noses at you and then going on to great and wonderful things. I have to admit that I am a bit jealous. I really am.

Speaking of rock stars, I want every one of you who enjoys good, old-fashioned, arena frothing excessiveness, to listen to PSYCHO CIRCUS, recorded by none other than those Knights In Satan's Service.

I'm talking about you know who.

As Gene Simmons would say, "It's time to show everyone how the big boys do it." Imagine Gene saying that.

I saw KISS live back on the Creatures of the Night tour in the early eighties. At that time, Vinnie Vincent was on the lead guitar and Eric Carr (R.I.P.) was on drums, instead of the originals Ace Frehley(guitar) and Peter Criss (drums).

The Plasmatics with Wendy O. Williams (R.I.P.) was the opening band.

I still remember Wendy strutting the stage with nothing on her breasts but two small strips of electrical tape. I was a bit on the green side then and she really kind of shocked me. Then when KISS came on later, and Gene started BITING his microphone, I felt positively exposed to EVIL. LIVE EVIL.....(hey, I said a palindrome. That's kind of cinatasatanic.) This is the show where I learned about the GENE CHANT.

Well, I thought KISS was pretty damned good then. And I went and saw them twice on the reunion tour, with all the original members back in position. I swear to God, at both shows, I started the GENE CHANT. Someone had to. Sometimes people just don't pay attention and you have to do it yourself.

But Jesus, I thought my daydreams about hoping they would do a new album together was basically pie in the sky wishful thinking - - that it may never come or that it wouldn't deliver the goods. I thought it was as likely to come out as Phantasm 4.

But, as with Phantasm: OblIVion, here it is, with a VENGEANCE.

Let me ask you... Are you tired of being SWAMPED with musical groups who sound like a bunch of cracker eating morons rolling out of bed, bitching about their pitiful X, Y, and bleeding Z generation lives?

Wellllllllll.

Me too. If I want some entertaining realism about the ultra- current, depressive, or weird side of life, I'll read EIGHTBALL. Which, I hasten to add, has its own DISTINCTIVE VOICE. Something accomplished on paper that most bands can't do on CD. Wait. I hear a crackling noise in my neural processing.

[circuit resonating]

Hold on.

Okay.

PSYCHO CIRCUS is a fresh gust of air in a polluted, overly saturated industry. Buy this goddamn record. I don't know how else to tell you.

From Gene getting mystical on us in WITHIN, WE ARE ONE, & JOURNEY OF A 1,000 YEARS; Paul basically blowing out his vocal chords to get you to respond to his power rock in PSYCHO CIRCUS, I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE STATE OF ROCK AND ROLL, RAISE YOUR GLASSES, & DREAMIN; to Ace talking freaky about going INTO THE VOID; to Peter bringing a tear to your eye in I FINALLY FOUND MY WAY; these guys have not only re-grabbed the brass ring, but have basically thrown it out into the crowd for everyone to pass around and touch. Just listen to YOU WANTED THE BEST, YOU GOT THE BEST which features ALL of them on vocals.

Damn. I'm sounding obsessive. Showing too much enthusiasm for a newly released record. But it's like I HAVE NO CHOICE in the matter, I swear.

And that is what PISSES me off. If there wasn't so much CRAP on the radio, I wouldn't have to be so THANKFUL for a decent album when one comes out. If there wasn't so much CRAP at the record stores, I wouldn't have to BREAK MY NECK to go buy this one. Maybe LESS CRAP on MTV and VH1 would help me, too. In fact, if there was LESS CHOICE about what to buy in the first damn place, then it would be safe to assume that the goddamned record companies MIGHT have put out only long lasting material and not just some greasy, angst ridden, self-centered, loose pants wearing, CRAP....

[program interrupt. loop encountered.]

And when they're passing around that brass ring, all you can do is FEEL THE POWER.

God, I love KISS.

For me, the first four books of the Bible will always be Gene, Paul, Peter, & Ace.

Do me a favor. When you listen to the album, take several shots of Yeagermeister about twenty minutes before you switch the power on. You will be TRANSPORTED. I swear to God you will be. Beer won't work the same. You actually need a chemical that will change and direct your threshold of perception in a specific vector. The kind of vector H. R. Giger may travel when he's ready to create works of goddamn eternal art. After all, I'm not talking about downing a cold one as you're watching someone throw a screen pass to Joe Cleat. Speaking of football, did you happen to catch KISS opening up the Super Bowl? I wonder if those little old Back Street Boys could have carried themselves as well....... I really do wonder if they could have controlled their bladders in front of 75,000 people, because it is so SICKENING....

[return, restart subject: YEAGER*******]

I'm talking about YEAGERMEISTER dang it, while you're listening to one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time. I mean, this is KISS' goddamned SGT. PEPPER for CHRIST'S SWEET SAKE.

A lot of people, including myself, thought that "Destroyer" was their Sgt. Pepper. But I stand corrected.

Because THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL you can . . .

[program interrupt. loop encountered. 2]

And you will begin to grow younger. I estimate that with each listening of the album, you grow about 8 hours younger. I've listened to it so much that I have turned into a PSYCHO ZYGOTE. (And let me tell you, it's hard to use the computer keyboard with my flipper fingers.)

Then, take another shot or two when Paul Stanley sings "Raise Your Glasses." Sure, the song will sort of remind you of a Coke commercial, but don't begrudge it. Instead, imagine a face shot of Gene slurping the condensation off of a twelve ounce can of the real thing using his grafted on cow tongue. If Coke was a SMART company, they would solicit the band to do a commercial.

To locate a copy of Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, just go to one of the bookstores mentioned. You can get PSYCHO CIRCUS everywhere. Even in places that sell a dump truck load of CRA . . .

[fault intercept]

Oh yeah. While you are at the bookstore, pick up a copy of CATCHER IN THE RYE, by J.D. Salinger. I just finished reading that book. Yeah...that's the one that is frying my circuits. I forgot to tell you the name of it for some damn reason. While I was reading it out loud, I fantasized a lot about being Gene Simmons, Joe Bob Brigs, or David Lee Roth, and how they would sound out certain words or phrases as the whole goddamned story played itself out. I might mouth off: "This is Diamond Dave, and I'm the catcher in the fucking rye, man..." Or I might say something like, "I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and I give this book three and a half stars, because it's full of MENTAL-FU." Then I'd wave the book in someone's face. Sometimes, I would stick my tongue out and waggle it around real crazy like. I got so carried away one time that I even bit the book on the upper left corner, on the spine. I salivated all over it. But I'm crazy.

I swear to God I am.

When I was about twelve, I grabbed a hold of a little stuffed animal in the attic. It was a miniature black bear that I had won at the fair the year before. Only, I didn't really WIN it, I swiped it from this cheeky bastard who HAD won it, and let me tell you, if I had a nickel for every bastard who . . .

[terminate. SPECTRE scan in progress]

check out Joe Bob Brigs at:

http://www.turner.com/monstervision

A good starting point for KISS research is:

http://www1.kissonline.net

Tell them all, (even the cheeky bastard you will meet at the book store), that Cyclopean Orm sent you.

Some of you have wanted to send me electronic mail. Now is your chance.

NRUTIGLIQUA@juno.com

Others of you have wanted to email TBRR. Here you go:

THE-BLUE-RUBBER-RABBIT@juno.com

Okay, I'm out of here. Gotta go get my head looked at with an MRI machine...

Catch you later. In the Rye, man.

Oh, the Gene chant? It goes like this:

GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE GENE

[-program surge-]

[SPECTRE "re-work". Initiate. Close.]

And the Blue Rubber Rabbit says, "Phase seven complete. SPECTRE Scan complete. Traumatic Imprints/Oppressive Spirits detected in vessel called NRUTIGLIQUA. Repair initiated. Preparing for upcoming and final phase." (Legs tensing up, ears askew.)

Copyright ©1999, Cyclopean Orm