Star Wars Bible.. The New (old) Testiment 1 - Let there Be Lightsabers.
The First Book of SC-EYE-WALK-AR, called DROIDS.
Chapter 1:
1 In the begining the starship leapt toward the planet Tat-oo-ine, and the star destroyer
did follow it. Much talking came forward from it's turbolaser batteries and the small ship
did whelp. Upon the ship called Tant-iv-efour two droids did walk upon the coridoor.
2 Didst thy hear that Thre-pio sayeth opto his smaller counterpart to which the reply was
a beep. Thy main reactor has been hit. If thou shoot at us once more thy shall all be
dead. There shalt be no escape thy princess this time I fear.
3 The large star destroyer did mount the smaller ship and the doors did fly open. Alas the
coridoors did become full of white stormtroopers fighting against rebel troopers. The
casualties on either side were unsurmountable.
4 And it came to pass in the melee that thy two droids were seperated and Thre-pio did
search for his companion in all of the nooks and the crannies and the small holes and the
cupboards and the shelving units and the cafeterier area and the bedrooms and the
bathrooms.
5 But whoa, for the companion was with a girl whom gave the smaller squat droid a mission
and a secret message and a large bag of humgugs for it's efforts and let the droid free to
do thy bidding. And Thre-pio did find his companion and much chastising did commence. And
the companion Ar-too did climb inside of the escape pod and prepare thy release sequence.
6 And Thre-pio did sayeth unto Ar-too Thy not climb inside of that vessel and thou should
not if thy knows what is good for thou. And Thre-pio heard the sound of nearby fighting
and it was not good and he did climb into the vessel and it was released from the smaller
spaceship.
7 Behold the visage of a large man did appear from the smoke filled area and the
stormtroopers did rejoice. Va-da looked at the damage and he was pleased, and he saw that
the plans had not been recovered, and he was not pleased. Va-da spoke unto a rebel man and
sayeth unto him Where art thy plans and the man shook his head saying Thy has no idea what
thou desires. This is a counsellor ship that art on a diplomatic mission. And Va-da did
become cross with the mans innsolence and did sayeth If this art a counsellor ship,
wherefore art thy counsellor. And Va-da did crush the mans throat before he had time to
answer. And Va-da did become angry and did decree to capture everybody alive on the ship.
9 And the girl was walking along whence she was attacked by stormtroopers without
provication and hence, she was stunned. And she was taken before Va-Da whom knew of her
and greeted her accordling. And the girl, known as Lay-ar did become smitten for Va-da,
but did not show it. And Va-da did declare Lay-ar a traitor to her peoples and took her
prisoner and left the small ship.
CHAPTER 2:
1 And it came to pass that Thre-pio and Ar-too did find themselves upon a barren wasteland
called Tat-oo-ine. And they did walk for 30 minutes and 30 seconds before Thre-pio did
declare he was tired despite being only a machine. And Ar-too did declare he would follow
the path into the hills and Thre-pio declined the offer and walked the other way.
2 And Thre-pio was complaining to thyself again whence a large skip did appear from the
horizon and Thre-pio saw it and it was good. And Thre-pio did wave his arms and jump and
shout and make a small fire and send smoke signals and did hire a plane to write a message
in the sky and did send a telegram until at last he was spotted.
3 And Ar-too did roll along the hills, never worried about his joints getting sand in them
or falling over or the current rate of inflation or the size of the new ten pence coin.
Thus he was singing to himself the new Spice Girl song whence a small man appear before
him sayeth HHhhhheeeeyyyyaaayyy! and did stun Ar-too and he did collapse unto the ground.
And the small man, whom was known as Jow-ar did call his friends whom rushed over to see
what Jow-ar had stolen, and it was good. And they did load Ar-too into their skip along
with other stolen items such as other droids and toasters and kettles and small pebbles
and cars and pieces of string and books and video's and cd players and hi fi equipment and
childrens toys.
4 And whence Ar-too did revive himself from the ordeal of the scousers he saw a face in
the crowd of stolen items and it was good. And the face did look back at him and decleared
Ar-too it is you, it is you and Ar-too realised it was Thre-pio and it was not good.
5 And it came to pass that many stormtroopers were on Tat-oo-ine looking for thy droids,
but never bothered to stop check the skip. And upon the control deck of the skip, Jow-ar
was worried for in the post he had recieved the date of the next stock-check, and it was
not good and he told his friends who agreed to dispose of as much stolen items as possible
on the next guilible people whom they met.
6 And behold the next day they did meet Mr and Mrs. Lars and their adopted son Loo-ke. And
Jow-ar did attempt to sell the kettles and toasters to Mrs. Lars, but she did decline the
offer. And Jow-ar did attempt to sell the hi-fi equipment and Video recorder and CD player
to Loo-ke, but he did decline. And Jow-ar did attempt to sell two droids to Mr. Lars, and
he did accept and they made a deal and it was good (for Jow-ar).
7 But alas, the first droid Jow-ar did sell was faulty and did explode only seconds after
purchase. And Mr. Lars did complain, and Jow-ar answered that the deal had been signed and
refused to do any more, and Mr. Lars did threaten to phone Anne Robinson and Jow-ar did
exchange the droid quickly. And Loo-ke did take the two droids downstairs unto his
beasement room.
8 And Thre-pio did recieve an oil bath, and Ar-too did recieve a poke with a screwdriver.
And Ar-too was not happy and did decide to annoy Loo-ke by showing him a film, and he did
and it was not good. Thre-pio did chastise him for being awkward and Loo-ke did get the
horn and had to run away quickly. And Ar-too did declare himself to be property of Obi-Won
whom lived in the neighbour hood, but it made not difference as Thre-pio did not care and
Loo-ke was not around any more and Ar-too decided to run away from home.
9 And Loo-ke sat at the dinner table with Mr. and Mrs. Lars and did declare he wished to
follow his friends steps and enter into the acadamy and Mr. Lars was cross and grounded
Loo-ke for a year and told him to go to his room with no supper and Loo-ke was not happy
and he rebelled and went outside instead. And Loo-ke did observe the suns setting and it
was good and he thought about that girl and it was not good and he had to go back into his
room to change his trousers. And when Loo-ke did return to see his droids, he did realise
that one was missing and did wait until the next day to find him because he was afraid of
the dark.
CHAPTER 3:
1 The next day Ar-too had travelled a long way from home. It would have been further but
he got lost and spent many hours travelling in circles. And behold Ar-too did see behind
himself that a vehicle was approching and it was good. Inside of the vehicle was Thre-pio
and Loo-ke. And Loo-ke did chastise Ar-too. And Thre-pio did chastise Ar-too. And not to
feel left out Ar-too did complain abit himself. And Ar-too them spoke unto Thre-pio
sayeting beep beep beepity beep. And Loo-ke (who could not understand) did ask for a
translation. And Thre-pio did explain that several people were approaching from the south
west, and Loo-ke was scared as he hated Cornish men.
2 And it came to pass that as Loo-ke looked through his binoculars, he did seeth several
banthas and some sand persons and it was not good. And a sand person did attack Loo-ke and
pushed Thre-pio down a hill and Ar-too did hide in a cave. And the sand persons, called
Toos-kons did drag Loo-ke's body back to his land speeder for convience for the camera
man, and did begin to scavenge through Loo-ke's belongings looking for anything of value
to annoy Jow-ar.
3 It came to pass that whilst the Toos-kons were busy they failed to notice a Kryat Dragon
approaching, and it did begin to wail as it neared, and the sand persons did need to get a
change of underwear, and scarpered off quickly. And the Kryat dragon did rest near
Loo-ke's body, and looked at it, and Ar-too did moan.
4 Behold! The Kryat dragon did pull back it's hood and reveal itself not to be a Kryat
dragon at all, but to be a drunk old man. And the old man did sayeth unto Ar-too Hello my
friend. Don't worry, thou shall be alright. And Ar-too was happy. And Loo-ke did awake and
looked at the man and did say Ben. And Ben did look at Loo-ke and sayeth Loo-ke. And once
they all knew each other, they were happy.
4a And Ben told Loo-ke that he was the one Loo-ke was looking for, which suprised Loo-ke
because he was looking for Ar-too. And Obi-Won did take Loo-ke back to his place for a cup
of tea.
5 Alas, Loo-ke had forgotten about Thre-pio, and Ar-too reminded him by beeping. And
Loo-ke could not understand and asked Thre-pio to translate and discovered that Thre-pio
was not there, but Obi-Won knew and took Loo-ke there and it was good. And Thre-pio
thanked them and it was not good.
6 It came to pass once more that Loo-ke discovered his father was not a ticket inspector
on a double decker bus after all, but was infact the dark lord of the underworld. And
Obi-Won saw what he had done and it was not good. And he told Loo-ke to forget what he had
said saying Loo-ke, thou father was a Jed-eye Knight, who was killed by a pupil of thyself
named Va-da. Va-da was overcome by the dark side of the force. And Loo-ke said unto
Obi-won The force? in his puzzled voice. And Obi-Won sayeth Loo-ke the Force is an energy
field created by all living things, which binds us and penetrates us. It is what gives a
Jed-eye thous strength. And Loo-ke asked about the dark lord of the underworld, and Obi-Won
changed the subject quickly.
7 And Obi-Won opened a box, and gave unto Loo-ke a small stick, saying unto him This is
your fathers And Loo-ke did take yonder stick and did switch it on, and yeah, it did
vibrate. And Obi-Won looked embarrased and snatched the stick back, and produced another
stick. And Loo-ke did take the stick and did switch this one on, and yeah, a light did
appear.
8 Thou hast given me a torch? proclaimed Loo-ke Neah, Neah replied Obi-Won. I have given
thou a lightsabre, t'was your fathers, but he has no need for it now. And Loo-ke did wave
it around a bit and did cut one of Obi-Won's pictures in half, and Obi-Won did not mind as
he never liked it anyway. And whence Loo-ke had finished farting about with it, he did put
it away in his pocket, and reminded Obi-Won of the message. And Obi-Won did poke Ar-too
with a stick until he showed him the message.
9 And the girl appeared and sayeth unto Obi-Won Years ago thou served thy father in the
wars and he doest ask of thou now to help me. I regret not being there in person yet I am
to be taken prisoner aboard the large moon and thou must help me. I have placed
information vital to the rebellion in the memory banks of this Ar-too, you must see it
saftly delivered to him on Al-der-aan. Helpest me Obi-Won, thou art thy only hope
10 And Loo-ke had the leave the room again to change whence he saw the message. And
Obi-Won decided to leave immediatly, and Loo-ke was upset as he never got that cup of tea.
And the trip back was marred by the meeting of the skip and it was black and burned and
many small friends of Jow-ar did hang out of the sides, and lie on the floor in various
states of completeness. And Obi-Won stopped the speeder and helped to dispose of the
bodies. And Loo-ke reconised Jow-ar and said These art the same one what sold Ar-too and
Thre-pio to thyself. And Obi-Won decreed that it were the stormies what done it, and
Loo-ke was not happy. And Loo-ke realised he must go home because he left the oven on
before he left and so he ran.
11 And Loo-ke ran for 10 minutes before he remembered his speeder, and he did return
poe-faced, and decided he couldn't be bothered to go home now after all. And Obi-Won did
say unto him Loo-ke, if you did leave the gas on, thy house will be blown to peices, and
if thy did not leave the gas on, there is no reason to return. And Loo-ke heard what was
said, and it was good. And behold, Loo-ke did decide to travel with Obi-Won to Ald-er-aan
and become a dark lord of the underworld like his father. And Obi-Won did remind him once
more that his father was not, and Loo-ke was happy.
CHAPTER 4:
1 And Loo-ke and Obi-Won and Ar-too and Thre-pio did travel to Mose-isly to catch a bus,
but whence they arrived, they discovered that the bus had left. And Loo-ke decreed that he
was to sell his speeder and he got a good price. And they did walk into the local drinking
establishment.
2 And the bartender sayeth unto Loo-ke We don't serve their kind. Thy droids. And Loo-ke
bade the droids to stay outside, and they did. And it came to pass that Loo-ke was
involved in a bar room brawl, and Obi-Won cut off someone's arm. And he did lead Loo-ke to
a table to meet Har-n. And Har-n did boast about thy ship and did make up many tales and
stories and out right lies about it, and his large friend, called Chew-ee did nod and
laugh at the fables. And Obi-Won decreed to use the ship, and Har-n bade it so. And
stormies did appear in the front, and Obi-Won did ask to use the back way out, and they
did.
3 Upon the way, they did meet many other stormies, and Loo-ke did nearly shit thyself, but
Obi-Won was clever and did hypnotise them all to think thy were sheep, and they did
scarper.
4 And it came to pass (in the special edition) that Har-n did meet Jar-ba, who chastised
him for being late on repayments for a mortgage, and Har-n did laugh in fat Jar-ba's face,
and sent him packing.
5 And Obi-Won and Loo-ke did walk to the docking bay, and did see Chew-ee outside, and he
bade them welcome, and they went inside. And Loo-ke explaimed onto Har-n Thy ship art a
piece of junk. and Har-n was not impressed. And Har-n did invite them inside, and Loo-ke
then remembered thy droids were still outside the pub waiting for them, and he went back
for them, chatising them for being stupid and following his orders. And it came to pass
once more that as they all walked aboard, stormies did make that time to attack, and was
all fried when Chew-ee did start the engines, and Thre-pio did declare he hated star trips
and that he did feel sick. And low, Ar-too did produce a small sick bag from a compartment
and did give it unto Thre-pio.
6 And Obi-Won and Loo-ke did travel to the cockpit to see Har-n and Chew-ee, and Loo-ke
did make many unkind comments about Har-ns ship and Har-n did threaten to throw Loo-ke out
of the airlock unlest he shutest his mouth. And Chew-ee had made the calculations for the
hyperspeed jump, and they did jumpest and it was good.