King Salmonella TirMongo Ablegirim Kralovesh Evdokin d'Vulgaria

elieve me, Mortals, when King Salmonella revealed a few of his secrets to the KCRF staffers, they discovered some very interesting facts! So interesting, in fact, that your humble Dragonmaster felt compelled to share those secrets with you. As is usual, the text has had to be adapted somewhat so that the phrasing of same makes better and more proper sense. (I've always felt that if you are going to converse properly with Royalty, the first thing you must always remember is that your every form of diction is being watched constantly, and not necessarily simply by the King himself!)

NAME GIVEN @ BIRTH: It is the same, but without all those flourishes.

NICKNAMES? Some have called me Sal, or even Mongo.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Pawshlee, in Vulgaria, which has now become a Royal Shrine, for some silly reason.

CURRENT RESIDENCE: Vulgaria's capital city, Khaamskee, where stands my Royal Palace. I also spend much of my time in a tiny cottage during those days when I just feel the need to get away from it all.

AGE: 52 glorious years, even though, perhaps, I am still a mere youngling at heart.

CLASS: Royalty, that most distinguished breed of upper-class! Besides, what else would expect from a King?

WHAT'S YOUR MAIN FUNCTION IN SOCIETY? Well, my main function is to rule as Monarch of all Vulgaria --- a rule that is often propped up by truffle exports. There are a good many responsibilities that go with being a King. Further, I am also the proud father of one son and four daughters (although, I must admit, I do have a bit of trouble keeping up with them sometimes).

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM? AND HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY-DIPPING? As if there is any other way to swim!

HAVE YOU EVER MADE FUN OF PEOPLE? Only those who are less "colorful" than us. Then again, I might want to change that answer since, after all, a lot of us are less colorful. As Royalty, we, of course, must always set a good example for our loyal subjects. And then, beyond Vulgaria's walls, there are those who just don't bother seeing beyond the joys of those colors.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Well, all colors are my favorite, really. How in the world could I pick just one from so many delightful colors? Still, were I to make a proper choice, 'twould be green or red or orange or blue or purple or yellow ..... well, no doubt you can see my dilemma for yourselves!

HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED A CRIME, OR BEEN CONVICTED OF ONE? Well, I do have to admit that once I stole a chicken when I was still a youngster. Luckily, I did not get caught, and thus was never convicted. Leopold, however, keeps saying to me that over the years, I have committed one or two crimes of fashion.

DESCRIBE YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND(S), AND HOW YOU MET. Well, before I ever met my dearest wife, my closest friend was my childhood companion and playmate, Dabro. He lived in the hut down from our own family, so it was natural that we would always get together during the annual carp feast. Alas, we were separated as teenagers when, during a wedding banquet, the lad had far too much peeva, or ale, to drink. Before long, he'd wandered off accompanied by a comely dyevooshka (young lady). I haven't seen dear Dabro since.

1 PILLOW OR 2? Well, I only favor two pillows. You need only look at my Queen to understand why.

ANY PETS? Ahhhh! That would be my little puppy, Abyezyaana --- my Little Yanni, as I call him for short. He was a gift from the Court of the Empress of Madagascar. You know, I have so little time to take care of my pets, given that I have so many children to look after, too. But when I was still a young Prince, I had a dog named Fritzonella. He was a very large dog with white fur, that looked like the curls worn by most of the ladies of the present day.

FAVORITE TYPE OF MUSIC: Oh, I love a good polka tune, though I seldom if ever dance anymore. I will say that I have found myself falling in love with some of the music of your country. The Celts have a very mystical melody! And how can one not be stirred by the sounds of your bagpipes? They remind me so much of our smyearches (bagpipe-like wind instruments).

ANY HOBBIES OR PASTIMES? I enjoy travelling, because I feel that it is the King's responsibility to discover all the many different lands beyond the borders of Vulgaria. And if I'm not doing that, I'm usually found buying new things for the Queen and Princess!

DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL HYGIENE. I bathe once a month --- regardless of whether I need it or not. Of late, however, and mostly because it is good form to live by the customs of the lands in which we travel, I have been bathing more often than normal.

FAVORITE FOOD: Like many of my loyal subjects, I especially go bonkers for radishes! They seem to go with just about everything! Of course, a fine truffle sauce or beets are good. Then there's the rutabaga, and we daren't forget that good old cured sveenya (pig meat).

ARE YOUR PARENTS ALIVE, AND IF SO, DO YOU GET ALONG WITH THEM? Considering that most of our populace is very well long-lived, I can happily say that both my parents are alive and well, and having a jolly time ruling our Kingdom while we, the King and Queen, are traveling in your fair Realm. How wondrous it is knowing that were it not for the wisdom and compassion of Pakrat, my father, and Inkena, my mother, I would not have been molded into the man you now see before you.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD, WHEN & HOW DID THEY DIE? Well, as I have just said, they are still alive, but like myself, they expect to die in true Vulgarian fashion. Regrettably, I cannot reveal the full details, as they are extremely personal.

FAVORITE PLACE OF RELAXATION: Well, we have a very special garden on the grounds of our Palace. I usually go there to do most of my relaxing and thinking. In addition, we've recently added a Royal Library to our Palace. I often spend my time there and I enjoy reading things. My way of catching up with all that transpires in our Realm, don't you know! (Heh-heh!)

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE HOLY DAY, AND WHY? Why, that's Troitsa, or, as you Mundaners call it, Easter --- and it has always had an important degree of historical significance, ever since Christ instructed His Disciples to 'go into all the world and teach all nations.' However, Svyaatkee,which is our version of Christmas, is a fun holiday, too, with all those gifts.

FAVORITE DRINK: I do prefer a good cup or two of chai. But nothing hits the spot, my dears, like a good swig or two of radish wine! In fact, I have several bottles of a fine 1498 vintage. Ah yes, 1498 was a most exceptional year for the radish industry in our Kingdom!

DESCRIBE YOUR BEDTIME: When I'm at home, I like staying up a little past sunset. We have a little rock which glows in the dark, and allows me to stay up even later than that! From time to time, I'll spend my nights just looking up at the stars and pretending that I'm able to see images from them.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, DO YOU USUALLY WEAR ON YOUR FEET? At home, there's this nice tooflya (pair of slippers) that I like to wear around the castle. But, as you can see, I reserve my elegant bateenak, or boots, for very special occasions.

MARRIED OR SINGLE? Again, I am very happily married; and should you wish to figure out why, you need only gaze upon my dear Queen!

DESCRIBE YOUR FAMILY: Well, as I have mentioned twice now, there is my beautiful wife, Her Serene Majesty, Queen Rubella Ingrid Anastasia Arugula Boratina Mozzarella d'Vulgaria --- Light of the Vugarian Realm, Keeper of the Holy Flame, Dame of the Order of the Silver Pollywog. And then, of course, there's the light of both our lives: our beautiful and lovely daughter, Her Royal Highness, Princess Petronella Ophelia Xena de Vulgar! How can you describe her other than to say that she is a dragatsenost (lovely little child)! But sadly, I am worried regarding her present state of Happiness. You see, on the night she was to be bethrothed to His Highness, Claude, Prince of England, Claude, unfortunately, went off screaming into the night, saying that he needed to return home to counsel with Her Majesty. He hasn't returned since --- and that has particularly vexed me, and, alas, it's among the reasons why I must now declare war upon all England until such time as my dear little Petronella is happy again.

But enough of that for now, because I must now describe for you my other children. My eldest son, Prince Trichinella Richard Rutabaga Igor Castor Konstantin Jaroslav d'Vulgaria, Lord High Protector of the Royal Pickle, whom many have described as my spitting image (although I seldpm spit!). One year later, Decibella Zasha Millcent Louise Cyzarine Pinklen Rutabaga d'Vulgar joined the Family. She's my little Pinklen; and you'll have to ask her yourself why I call her that. What can I tell you about her that you cannot see with your own eyes? She's the peacemaker of the family, and, as such, has a rarely seen passion for life. She handles difficult situations whenever she and her other siblings end up fighting. Then there's our other daughter, Scarabella Carlotta Alopecia Rutabag Acacia Bedelia d'Vulgar, whom we named after the beautiful scarab beetle we observed while we were traveling through Egypt. Alas, while I do love her so much, she remains quite a challenge. You see, there are days when I feel that I have failed her --- we had far too many European visitors to our Court while she was young, and now, she believes their drab wardrobe has given her Happiness! I fear, then that she won't be able to find a good husband if she is to dress so plainly.

FAVORITE TYPE OF ENTERTAINMENT: Singing! Ha-ha! The whole Royal Family sings, as a matter of fact. Tricky has his moments, of course, but he does try very hard.

WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE CHORE OR SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? We had a very special school in the small village where I grew up. We mostly studied practical manners, though. I did, however, enjoy learning how to hunt wild alyen (deer) for even the most special meals.

AND WHAT WAS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CHORE OR SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? I never liked milking the kazaa (cow). I think that part of the problem I had with that was that I hated the idea of having to get up that very early in the morning!

FAVORITE SPORT TO TAKE PART IN: We loved making a ball out of the bladder of a sveenya, which we then let dry and toughen. After that, we'd take turns running with it and throwing it while the other team tried to take it from us.

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: Sveenya tossing! I even like to see Rubella and the children running around. At the very least, that's a sport I have long considered worth watching!

MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT: Well, while we were playing our game with the sveenya, Dabro attempted to get it from me, and that's when my bryookee (pants) fell off in front of all the girls!

PROUDEST MOMENT: One would think that the proudest moment of my life was the very morning of my Coronation. But my two proudest moments are the day I was married and the day that each of our children was born. I know it might seem trite to one such as yourself, but you need only look at them all to see exactly why they never fail to make me proud all the time!

WHO'S THE CRAZIEST OR SILLIEST PERSON YOU KNOW? Besides myself, I would have to say my Uncle Inyets. He does an imitation of an enndyook that simply has to be seen to be properly understood. In fact, if I can in the end resolve this war with England, I simply must bring him back there to meet Elizabeth. He is, after all, my Minister of War. Then again, he's always been a battler, and has therefore come to deed that title unto himself.

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX. Other than a wonderful smile and two beautiful eyes within which one can lose oneself, I would say that I look for a lady with great child-bearing hips.

IN OUR HIERARCHICAL SOCIETY, EVERY PERSON HAS SOMEONE WHO IS 'OVER' THEM. DESCRIBE YOUR IMMEDIATE 'OVERLORD.' I, good sir, would answer only to the Holy Trinity.

DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THAT ENTITY. How can you not rever your Lord and Maker, the Creator of All!

DESCRIBE YOUR FIRST KISS! Well, out of self-presevation, I shan't divulge her name; I will say, however, that we had gone out hunting for wild byelka (boar), and there was just something about the way that she belched that made me look at her in a whole new light. It was rather a clumsy first attempt, but as time wore on, we practiced a lot and wound up getting pretty good at it!

DO YOU EVER KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIENDS? To my knowledge, there have not been many that have moved out of Pawshlee. There are times when I have been known to make the journey back there, but, alas, it is just not the same anymore as it was when I was growing up. I seem to have gained more important and even greater responsibilities, while most of my friends from my childhood and young-manhood have seemed to have grown apart......

FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: Ah! Who in the world could not wish to vacation at the mud-baths outside of Cluj-napoca, in Romania.

HAVE YOU EVER TRAVELLED OVERSEAS? Well, since the recent discovery of the Golden Truffles, I've spent a great deal of time traveling across both seas and lands! I've looked around and explored many, many wonders; and accordingly, I hope to continue exploring them along with my dear wife and children.

DIRT FLOORS, MUD FLOORS OR STONE FLOORS? We have stone floors in our Palace. But my little cottage also has mud floors. Even during the various dry spells, I always make sure that the dirt is very well watered.

WHAT'S YOUR BED MADE OF? It is made of only the finest khlawpak (wool), and filled with the most comfortable kooreetsa (goose) down. And of course, it is filled with all the love my Family can give!

HOW MANY PEOPLE SLEEP THERE? Only my Queen and I --- except, of course, on rainy nights, when the children tend to drift in. Actually, rush in would be a far more descriptive term. But, to make things a little less frightening for my children, we often sing to one another about all our favorite things.

Well, Your Majesty of Vulgaria, I do hope that everyone had a chance to learn more about you and your Royal Family. In that light, I must thank not only Your Majesty himself, but also your Mortal-born pals Tim Hunt, Terri Smith and Jessica Greenwood, who served as the 2008 Vulgarian Royal Doppelgangers @ KCRF. I'm sure Henry and Anne and the Tudor Royal Family had a jolly time showing you folks around --- for, as ol' Blackwolf always says: "The most magical moment in any Royal's life is when he or she chooses to make friends with another." Something worth pondering and appreciating during these short months of the Solstice forthcoming. Long live Vulgaria! Huzzah! and hurrah!