Ranma and Akane are safely and happily married, and their marital spats never extend beyond the dojo they teach at. Shampoo and Mousse have returned to China; Ukyo let Ryoga lead the way on their last date and the two haven’t been seen since. Perhaps now, Nerima can finally have some peace and quiet...
WHAM. “BAKA!”
Maybe not.
RANMA 1/2
ADVENTURES
Chapter 4: "Love Potion No. Nerima"
[Takashido is wandering the streets of Nerima more than a little lost. He pauses by a store with stained-glass windows; the sign in front of it says something in kanji. (Well, what’d you expect?) The subtitle reads, “Genuine Antique Magical Items from the Yuan Dynasty of Ancient China -- Results Guaranteed.” Pretty impressive as the sign is only two characters long. Takashido looks both ways down the street to make sure nobody’s coming, then slips inside.]
Chinese Guy: Very much good morning, young master. What can do for you?
Takashido: Good day, my good man. I must confess I had no errand in mind when I entered your worthy shop, but I have long had an interest in ancient Chinese lore.
Chinese Guy: Then you come to right place! Feel you free to look around, kindly ask if there is something you want know about.
Takashido: Actually, I do have one question. How long have you lived in this country?
Chinese Guy: It coming on ten year now, young master.
Takashido: I see. So why do you still speak in pidgin Japanese?
Chinese Guy [looking a bit embarrassed]: Well, the tourists expect it, you see. They don’t seem to feel that a stereotypical Chinese antique shop is complete without an accompanying stereotypical Chinese guide.
Takashido: Ah. That must be hard.
Chinese Guy: It pays the bills.
Takashido: Good to hear.
Chinese Guy: Thank you.
Takashido: Have you ever heard of the ancient and very secret training grounds of Jusenkyo, although of course God forbid there’s no way that this has anything to do with me since I’ve never been there obviously because it’s a closely kept secret even though everyone and her little sister seems to end up there anyway?
Chinese Guy: No.
Takashido: Oh, well. [He turns despondently away and begins to wander the shop. A glass vial of bright red liquid catches his eye from the display, and he picks it up and turns back to the storekeeper.] What’s this?
Chinese Guy: Ah, you pick out best item in store: That Ancient Chinese Love Potion. Very reliable.
Takashido: Oh...? A love potion, indeed!
Chinese Guy: Yes. Operation very simple: one dose in food, and person what swallows it must fall in love with next person they see.
Takashido: First person they see?
Chinese Guy: That right.
Takashido: It’s mirror time!
Chinese Guy: Sir!
Takashido: Anyway. It sounds a bit too simple, if you ask me. What’s the catch?
Chinese Guy: Well, that is the problem. It too simple. No way to control who victim look at first, you see -- and it work on anyone, boy or girl. So be very very careful.
Takashido: Well, of course it works on both boys and girls. Otherwise you’d have to come up with two different formulas... I’ll take it. How much does it take? And how long does it last?
[Lunchtime comes, and as the six of them gather at the table they immediately begin fighting over the food. Danova tries to steal some rice from Yamane’s dish, and gets severely bruised for the attempt; in the meanwhile, Rushe goes after his own food, and the two begin duking it out. Yamane attempts to make up her loss from Tenba’s plate, but he’s having none of it. Rei defends her own plate closely, and watches the others for opportunities.
The only one who isn’t battling over the food is Takashido; he’s watching Tenba out of the corner of his eyes, and fiddling the vial in his pocket.]
Takashido [to himself]: This bottle could be of great benefit to the people in this apartment. It has not escaped my notice that many of those seated now at this table suffered from unrequited love. This is an evil I must correct! Of course, I’ll have to test it first, just to make certain it’s safe...
[Unnoticed by any of the others, he pulls the vial out of his pocket and unscrews the cap. Glancing over, he sees that Tenba is busily engaged in a chopsticks duel with Danova, then reaches out and pours a drop of the potion onto Tenba’s rice. However, as both Danova and Tenba are occupied, Rushe sneaks in and steals Tenba’s rice. He manages to balance half of the bowl of rice onto his chopsticks, and prepares to down it in one bite.]
Takashido [panicked]: WAIT --
[Rushe blinks at him, perplexed.]
Rushe: For what?
Takashido [desperately]: Um, uh... what was that noise?
Rushe: What noise?
[After a minute, though, they can all hear it; a sort of scratching or tapping on glass sound. Rei stands up -- carrying her rice with her, of course -- and goes over to the window. Xiom Gai is sitting on the other side, and Rei opens the window.]
Rei: What are you doing here?
Xiom: What else? I couldn’t bear to be parted from my beloved Yamane a moment longer, so I came to see her!
Yamane: Xiom Gai, who invite you back? We thought we gotten rid of you!
Danova: Yeah, we hadn’t seen you in two straight episodes.
[Xiom scrambles into the apartment and flings himself on Yamane’s feet. She kicks him in the head, with very little effect.]
Xiom: Oh, my goddess, my light! Leave these peasants behind and return to China by my side, as my wife! I will lavish glory upon you until the end of your days! I will adore you as you should properly be adored! I will --
Rushe: You will shut up, is what you’ll do. [He shoves the entire bowl of rice into Xiom’s face. Xiom chokes, turns red, and swallows.]
Yamane [heartfelt]: Thank you, Rushe.
Rushe [stammers]: It... it was nothing, really...
Danvoa [titters]: Aw, poor weak Yamane, can’t even deal with her own admirers! No wonder she’s such a hopeless martial artist!
Yamane: You stupid... Danova, you not know what it like to have stalker like that!
Danova: Oh come on. The only reason he chases you is because you encourage him. If you really wanted him to leave you alone, then all you’d have to do is tell him. But no, you like the attention too much --
[Yamane bursts into tears. Rushe is enraged.]
Rushe: You’re just as bad as he is, Danova!
[They fight. Rushe takes a frying pan to the head and drops out of sight beneath the table, stunned. While Danova is gloating, Yamane grabs the back of his neck and throws him into Xiom Gai. The two of them land in a heap in the corner.]
Yamane: Take that! [She turns back to her food, only to find that Rei, Ku, and Tenba have finished it off while she was busy.] Rei, how could you!
Rei: You were busy.
[They also fight; Tenba reaches over and takes the last of Rei’s rice from her bowl. In the meantime, Takashido carefully pours a second drop off the potion onto Tenba’s rice. Rei and Yamane finish their battle and turn back to see Tenba in the posession of the only uneaten rice.]
Rei: Tenba!
Tenba: You were busy.
Rei: Tenba, how could you -- you’re a guest in my house!
[Yamane looks ready to cry again. With a sigh, Tenba pulls over two empty bowls and divides the rice into three portions.]
Tenba: Here. We’ll share it, all right?
[The girls both smile. The three of them dig in. Takashido, meanwhile, has been distracted by Xiom and Danova in the corner. Xiom was the first to recover, and he is currently clinging to the unconscious Danova’s hand and babbling something about True Love. A sweatdrop appears on Takashido’s face, unnoticed by any of the other three. He turns back to the table just as they finish off the last of the rice.]
Takashido [clears his throat]: Ahem.
Rei [glancing up at him]: Yes? [Her polite look quickly melts into an infatuated stare.]
Takashido: Um...
[It is Yamane’s turn to look up at him. She, too, gets the vapid look of worship on her face.]
Takashido: No, no, nothing’s wrong, except that I just now realized that I have to be somewhere else. Right away.
Tenba: What’s the big hurry?
Takashido: I, ah, I, uh... I have to clean my apartment, that’s it. It’s not fit to live in just now.
[The girls are beginning to inch towards him around the table, Yamane on his right, Rei on his left.]
Rei: Oh, there’s no need for that, Tanpopo-san. You can stay here with me in my apartment as long as you want.
Takashido: Wouldn’t that be, uh, a little crowded?
Rei: Ahh... I understand. You need a little... elbow room, huh? Well, I can arrange that. Just say the word and I’ll throw all the others out. [By this time, she has reached Takashido’s side and is clinging to his arm.]
Takashido: No, no, really, I don’t want to cause trouble..
Rei: For you, it would be no trouble, Takashido-sama.
Takashido: I really should leave. Now.
Yamane: Takashido absolutely right. Should clean apartment, not hand around in crowded place like this all day. [She seizes Takashido’s other arm.] Yamane go with! Clean apartment! Anything for you --
Takashido [somewhat distracted by Rei’s tongue in his ear]: Wouldn’t... want to trouble you...
[Yamane drapes herself bodily over Takashido.]
Yamane: Is no trouble. Help Takashido makes Yamane feel goooood.
[She wriggles. Takashido twitches. Rei detangles herself from Takashido long enough to shoot Yamane a nasty glare.]
Rei: I suppose that you’re easy to satisfy if you’re nothing but an imported maid...
Yamane [returning the glare]: That rich coming from cheap hotel manager!
Rei: If you’re gonna take that attitude, then why don’t you jsut clear out of my house once and for all?
Takashido: Now, now, ladies --
Yamane: Maybe Yamane do that -- and she take all boys with her! Rushe, Danova -- you no think they stick around for you?
Rei: You think I care about those selfish uncouth worthless kids? Takashido is the only man for me!
Yamane: He no is man for you!
[The two peel themselves away from Takashido and face off in the living room. Tenba and Takashido remain at the table, watching the girls screech at each other. After a minute, Tenba leans over the table and winks conspiritorially at Takashido.]
Tenba: Girls, huh? Short fuses.
Takashido: Um... ye-es.
Tenba: Trust me, the only thing to do right now is get out of the way and let them settle it between themselves.
Takashido: You may have a point.
Tenba: Damn straight I do. [Tenba leans further over the table and whispers suggestively in Takashido’s ear:] What d’you say we slip into my bedroom and break out a bottle to celebrate?
Takashido [beginning to get nervous]: I don’t see the need for a celebration...
Tenba: Ah, but the whiskey can make things so much more fun. You’re supposed to be the master of playground games, but I’ll wager there are some games that I could teach you...
[He crawls onto the table and glomps onto Takashido, hands wandering into regions best left to the imagination. He whispers something to Takashido, who gets cross-eyed and a nosebleed.]
Takashido: Is that even physically possible? They don’t bend that way!
Tenba: You’d be surprised what’s possible when you get a few drinks in you.
[Rei and Yamane notice at this point -- took’em long enough -- and pounce back on Takashido with twin banshee screeches. Once again, Rei takes the left while Yamane takes the right, and they begin a game of tug-of-war.]
Yamane: Takashido want come with Yamane!
ALL: ...
Rei: No! Takashido-sama is in love with ME!
Tenba: Ladies! There is one very important fact that you’re overlooking here!
Rei & Yamane [in unison]: And that is?
Tenba: That Takashido can only be in love with ME.
[A stunned silence drops. Takashido begins sweating bullets as the girls’ expressions steadily darken. Tenba drapes a cheerful arm over Takashido’s shoulder.]
Rei: Um, Tenba...
Yamane: Tenba, you stupid! You is MAN!
Tenba: Oh, didn’t you know? He’s gay!
Yamane: Well, of course is happy! Has me!
Rei: No, he's... he's... homosexual...
Yamane: What that word mean?
[Rei whispers in her ear. Yamane turns bright red.]
Yamane: Now that just not right!
Rei: Nice try, Tenba. I don’t know what’s gone wrong with you all of a sudden, but I’m not so crazy as to be taken in by such a patently obvious excuse. Chikan!
Tenba: Ha! You think I’m making it up, you’d be in for a real disappointment even if you DID manage to get into his clothes.
Yamane: We just see about THAT.
Tenba: Over my dead body!
Rei: That can be arranged.
Tenba: Just try it. [Tenba regretfully undrapes from Takashido, pulls a can of beer from nowhere, opens and chugs it one-handed.]
Yamane: You in way! Must be remove!
Rei: Obstacles are for killing!
Yamane: ...That my line.
Tenba: As if a couple of weak women could stand up to the full might of the Hebereke-fu --
[Momentarily forgotten, Takashido wavers for a moment before this spectacle, torn between two powerful conflicting instincts. His personal survival instinct is screaming “run away, run away!” while his species survival instinct screams “stay, stay, and conceive as many healthy children as possible before your generative organs are damaged beyond repair!” In this moment, Takashido finally understands how the smaller, meeker, less well known male black widow spider must feel.
[Takashido leaps out the window and hits the ground running, steadfastedly ignoring the noise of the girls behind him as they struggle at the window. Tenba leans out the window and calls to him.]
Tenba: Takashido! Don’t run from me. I am the perfect person for you -- I have a cure for your curse, for your condition!
[Takashido’s attention is momentarily arrested; encouraged, Tenba presses on.]
Tenba: Don’t you want to lead a normal life again? ...Or at least, semi-normal? --All right, still a really messed up life, but then who wants to live vanilla?
Takashido: Stop messing with my head!
Tenba: Oh, I haven't even started with that yet.
Takashido: Brain! I meant brain! Stop messing with my brain! [He flees down the street, encouraged to haste by the appearance of Rei and Yamane out the front off the building.]
Rei: There he goes!
Yamane: He getting away!
Rei: We have to go after him!
Yamane: Already on my way. You coming?
Rei: No, just breathing hard.
After some time, Takashido slows enough to glance behind him and realizes that the street is empty. Having lost the girls, however temporarily, he decides to hide. He slips into a nearby department store, hoping to throw the girls off his trail. A young female clerk sidles up to him and smiles brightly.]
Clerk: Can I help you with anything?
Takashido: No, thank you. I’m just looking around.
Clerk: Well, call me if you need anything.
Takashido: I’m certain I will.
Clerk: You sure you don’t need me for something... anything at all? [She moves closer and attaches herself to Takashido’s arm.] Our store policy is to give the customer anything he wants... anything.
Takashido: Very kind of you, but no, really.
Clerk: Perhaps you aren’t exactly clear on WHAT I could do... for you. Beautiful things... magical things...
Takashido: REI!
[The clerk tears off her disguise and is, indeed, Rei. She yanks out a magical wand and menaces Takashido with it.]
Rei: My beloved darling, I’ve found you again! Your eyes... they’re like bottomless pools of power. [She gestures with the wand, and Takashido’s suit jacket vanishes to God knows where.] I could drown in their beauty and strength! [His shirt follows the jacket. Takashido struggles against Rei’s clinging hold, and manages to dump both of them over sideways into a rack of suits.] Come, let us kiss and rival the stars for their brilliance! [Pants follow shirt and jacket, and Takashido is left in his boxers. Panicked, he shakes her loose, grabs some clothes from the pile surroundimg them, and scuttles away to a nearby changing room.
Once there, he breathes a sigh of relief as he pulls on the clothes, only to freeze as a pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind.]
Yamane: Now, we alone...
Takashido: {gulp}
Yamane: Your arms, so strong... such handsome man... Yamane could stay here forever...
[They struggle -- or, at least, Takashido is fighting to free himself, but it’s much like fighting a love-struck octopus in a dark cramped underwater cave.]
Yamane: MAKE ME YOUR LOVE BUNNY!
[Rei bursts into the dressing room and sees this in progress. She gives an outraged shriek and grabs Yamane, pulling her off of Takashido with a damp-sounding slurp.]
Rei: What do you with you’re doing to my Takashido-sama, you hussy!
Yamane: Yamane only taking what hers!
[They fight. Takashido stumbles out of the middle of the fray, clutching the tattered clothes around him. As he runs, he tries to keep low enough for the clothes racks to hide him -- an amusing sight, as he’s a foot and a half taller than them -- and so isn’t watching where he’s going and runs into someone. Takashido looks up to see Tenba, arms crossed, smiling very strangely, very blatantly checking Takashido out.]
Tenba: Nice shoes.
[Takashido flees.
The proprieter of the magic shop looks up as Takashido bursts in; battered, tattered, wild-eyed and hunted.]
Chinese Guy: Good morning sir! Have you had a busy day?
Takashido: ANTIDOTE!!!!
Chinese Guy [resigned]: What’d you do?
Rei [from outside]: Takashido-sama, where are you?
Chinese Guy: What’s wrong with that?
Yamane [from outside]: Takashido! Come to mama!
[The Chinese Guy begins to laugh as Takashido cringes.]
Tenba: Takashido, DARLING!
[Chinese Guy abruptly stops laughing and looks horrified.]
Chinese Guy: You DIDN’T.
Takashido: There’s no time, is there an antidote, give it to me giveittome NOW!
Chinese Guy: Are you absolutely sure? You really really want it!
Takashido: Oh YES! YES! HURRY give it to me NOW!
Rei [from outside]: He’s got to be around here somewhere.
Yamane [from outside]: Yamane find! [There is the sound of buildings breaking.]
Chinese Guy: All right. There IS a cure. And I’ll give it to you...
Takashido: -- I am ever eternally humbly in your debt, oh finest and most virtuous of proprieters --
Chinese Guy: -- for the low, low price of ¥10,000.
Takashido: WHAT?
[A muffled explosion sounds nearby. The store and all its contents shake.]
Takashido: Oh, very well.
[He pulls out a small coin purse and begins counting out five-yen pieces.]
Takashido: Five... ten... fifteen... twenty...
[Outside, there is another explosion, not so muffled this time. Parts of the ceiling fall down around the two of them, and the front wall begins to creak ominously.]
Rei: Takashido-sama, at last I’ve found you!
Chinese Guy: TAKE IT!
[Outside, Yamane and Rei prowl the ruins of the street. Rei spots Takashido sneak out of the magic shop and dashes away after him. Yamane sees them both and starts off in pursuit, but staggers to a halt as a desperate hand emerges from the rubble and clutches her ankle. She looks down to see Danova, as worse for the wear as Takashido and considerably more panicked.]
Danova: Yamane -- you gotta help me --
Yamane: No have time right now, Danova!
Danova: It’s Xiom Gai! Following me around -- declaring his eternal love for me -- he won’t leave me ALONE! He won’t take no for an answer!
Yamane: Now see how you like it!
Danova: Please, Yamane -- I’m desperate!
Yamane: Not care. Must find Takashido! [She tears away from his desperate grasp and pelts off after Takashido and Rei.]
Danova: Yamane! How can you just LEAVE me like this...
[Tenba appears out of nowhere and stares thoughtfully down at Danova.]
Tenba: Xiom Gai, you say? I thought he was interested in Yamane.
Danova: I thought so too. But after breakfast this morning, I woke up to find him standing over me babbling something about “revelations” and “true love” and how we “can’t let society stand in our way.”
Tenba: Just this morning? Well, that’s rather sudden.
Danova: {something which didn’t get by the American sensors}
Tenba: You got that right. So... this means... whatever it was works on men, too. What a relief.
Danova: Says you!
Tenba: Come on. [Grabbing Danova’s arm, Tenba hauls him to his feet and drags him into the magic shop. An ominous silence descends.]
[Cut to Takashido fleeing over rooftops with Rei in... er... hot pursuit. As he runs, he is carefully examining a large fold-out chart of human pressure points. (As opposed to what, baka?) The writing on the chart is in Japanese (duh) but a subtitle assures us that this particular set of pressure points is a cure for drug-induced delusions.]
Takashido: You can’t be SERIOUS!
[Unfortunately, as he’s not looking where he’s running, he smashes head-on into a wall, leaving a vaguely tuxedo-shaped crater there. Rei lands on the roof behind him and peels him off, his face still imprinted with brick-crosshatches.]
Rei: At last, we are together, my darling -- without that foolish little man, or that brazen hussy, to come between us.
Takashido: Uh... [clears throat] That’s right, my beautiful one, now we are alone, and there is... uh... something I’d like us to do together.
Rei: Oh, yes, my love! Just wait here, and I’ll be right back with the two mirrors and the inebriated dolphin.
[Takashido turns green, then red, faster than a downtown traffic light.]
Takashido: Er, maybe after we know each other better...
Rei: In the Biblical sense?
Takashido [considering his options]: Why the hell not. [He surveys the chart one last time, then lets it flutter to the ground. We can see now that the pressure points indicated as the cure are strategically located on the... um... backside. As Rei flings herself into Takashido’s arms, he nerves himself up for a minute... then strikes.]
Danova’s Voice [from inside Magic Shop]: I have to him him in the WHAT?
[A brightly colored plume of smoke lights up the sky above Nerima; Yamane changes direction to head for the center of the blast zone. Back at the magic shop, Tenba is perching atop a streelamp (like in the Prophecy, right) and watching the mass destruction.]
Tenba: Hey, cool.
[Tenba pulls out a bottle, looks at it for a moment, then sighs and puts it away.
At the center of the blast site, Takashido is cowering behind a handy pile of debris as Rei hunts for him, murder in her eyes.]
Rei: Tanpopo! Omae o KOROSU!
[Yamane bursts into the scene (through a wall, of course) and attacks Rei.]
Yamane: What wrong with you? Just moment ago, you want kiss him, now you try kill him? Either way, Yamane not allow! [She stands facing Rei, her back to Takashido. It is the perfect opportunity. Takashido gathers his courage, and strikes.
Back at the apartment, Danova and Rushe are having an argument.]
Rushe: I don’t see any reason why I should help you. From my point of view, the situation couldn’t be more ideal; not only does this get Xiom Gai off of Yamane’s back, so she’ll have more time to devote to me, but it keeps YOU suitably out of the way... forever!
[He laughs maniacally. Thunder crashes in the background.]
Danova: Look, Rushe, it’s not like I’m asking you to go on a date with the guy or anything! All I want you to do is hold him down while I get rid of the Love Potion’s effects!
Rushe: Wait a minute... Love Potion? You’re saying there’s a LOVE POTION involved here?
Danova: Of course! What other explanation can you come up with that Xiom Gai would suddenly start throwing himself at me?
Rushe: I don’t know, I just sort of figured he had really bad taste.
Danova: Rushe! What would Yamane think if she knew you said that?
Rushe: Awk! I meant... uh... bad taste in men...?
Danova: Don’t play games with me! I know what you were thinking!
Danova & Rushe [thinking]: A love potion! This could be my chance!
Rushe: Wait a minute. Where’s Yamane...? Or, for that matter, Rei...?
Danova: Yamane was tearing off to find Takashido last time I saw her.
Rushe: This is terrible news! Yamane must be under the influence of the Love Potion! I must find her and cure her at once! [He starts towards what remains of the door.]
Danova: Great plan, Rushe. Just one problem.
Rushe: ...What’s that?
Danova: You don’t know what the cure is! Only I do! I’LL be the one to cure her!
Rushe: No way I’m letting you anywhere near Yamane. You tell me the cure, and I’LL use it...!
Danova: Sure. But it’s not exactly something I can explain... I’ll have to show it to you. [He advances on Rushe, who gets into a fighting stance.]
Rushe: I don’t trust you near me, Danova!
Danova: I had no intention of demonstrating on YOU. After all, you’re not under any magic-induced delusions... just denial-induced ones...
Rushe: What did you say?
Danova: Nothing. In fact, the only person I can think to demonstrate on, who’d cooperate, and who is suitably drugged, is... Xiom Gai.
Rushe: Fine, then, test it out on some guy --
Danova: But I’ll need you to hold him down.
[They stare at each other in silence. In the meantime, back at the war zone, Rei and Yamane have apparently given up on finding Takashido, and are commiserating each other on their trials.]
Yamane: Men!
Rei: They only want you for one thing!
Yamane: And if they no can get...
Rei: ... then they start using magic and drugs on you!
Yamane: Too true!
Rei: All men are pigs.
Yamane: Yeah.
Rei: Wanna go get drunk?
Yamane: That sound good.
[They go off together. From his hiding place, Takashido breathes a sigh of relief, and straightens up. He walks out onto the rooftops, holds up the love potion vial to the light, then shakes his head and puts it away in his pants pocket. He is just about to head home when Tenba appears in front of him.]
Takashido: Tenba! I mean, uh, Tanaka-san! Uh, fancy meeting you here...
Tenba: Takashido.
[Back at the apartment, a bird lights on the windowsill and looks with interest at the three struggling figures inside.]
Danova’s Voice: Hold him STILL!
Rushe’s Voice: I’m trying!
Xiom Gai’s Voice: Oh, yes, my love, that’s the way!
Rushe’s Voice: WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS ARE YOU DOING?
Danova’s Voice: Looking for the right spot!
Xiom Gai’s Voice: You’ve found it!
Danova’s Voice: Dammit, I only got one look at the chart! Give me a break, I’m doing the best that I can!
Rushe’s Voice: Oh, my God...
[Yamane and Rei arrive back at the apartment.]
Yamane: We home!
Rei: You will not BELIEVE the day... we’ve... had...
[They stop dead as they take in the scene in the apartment. Xiom Gai is pinned to the floor, with Rushe sitting on his back to hold him down as Danova has his hands on Xiom Gai’s butt. The five of them remain frozen for a long moment, staring at each other. Xiom Gai speaks first.]
Xiom Gai: Go away, girls. We’re busy.
Danova: Um, Rei, it’s not what it looks like...
Yamane: Is not?
Rushe: NO!
Yamane: Darn.
[Back on the rooftops.]
Tenba: You know, it’s funny. Before this morning -- sure, I thought you were a nice guy, not too bad-looking. And then all of a sudden I find myself chasing you down alleyways and over rooftops. Why is that, do you suppose?
[Takashido stares guiltily at his feet and mumbles.]
Tenba: What did you say?
Takashido: I said --
Tenba: Yes?
Takashido: ...Nothing.
[Tenba sighs.]
Tenba: I followed you to the magic shop. The nice Chinese guy in there told me all about the love potion.
Takashido: Oh.
Tenba: I presume that the same thing happened to Rei and Yamane?
Takashido: ...yes.
Tenba: And yet, I noticed that even though they were flinging themselves at you all afternoon, you never once tried to take advantage of them.
Takashido: Of course not! That would have been dishonorable!
Tenba: As opposed to drugging them in the first place? Or were you just playing hard to get?
Takashido: No! I... I’m not interested in them.
Tenba: I didn’t think so. But then why did you use the love potion on them in the first place?
Takashido: It... was an accident.
Tenba: An accident?
Takashido: Yes. I was trying for someone else.
Tenba: Not Xiom Gai either, I assume.
Takashido: No.
Tenba: Me?
[A long silence. Finally:]
Takashido: ...Yes.
Tenba [sighs]: I was afraid of that. I would have LIKED to believe that what happened to me was an accident --
Takashido: Look, you have every right to be mad --
Tenba: Damn STRAIGHT I do! How dare you try and manipulate people this way? Didn’t you give a moment’s thought to what I might feel -- or might not feel? Did you even consider that I might not LIKE guys? Shimatta, Tanpopo! I thought I could trust you!
Takashido [looking a very short six feet]: I’m sorry...
Tenba: I just bet you are. Real sorry that it’s taking everything I’ve got not to throw myself on you now.
Takashido: It’s just that... I like you, a lot, and I was kind of hoping that maybe...
Tenba: I might like you back?
[Takashido nods miserably.]
Tenba: Why didn’t you just ASK?
Takashido: I don’t know.
Tenba: Well, maybe I do like you, or did, anyway -- but I don’t think you understand all the complications. Takashido, I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not what you want. I know how hard your condition makes life for you --
Takashido: You do?
Tenba: -- because I’m under something similar myself.
Takashido: You mean you... the Nannichuan... or is it the Nyannichuan? OH!
Tenba: Huh?
Takashido: I DO understand, Tenba. I’m sorry.
Tenba: And as long as I remain a martial artist, then that can’t change. You understand that, don’t you? Girls can’t practice the Hebereke-fu. It must stay secret. Takashido, can I trust you?
Takashido: To keep your secret? Of course you can.
Tenba: I hope so.
Takashido: I understand, Tenba... I won’t push things again.
Tenba: Thank you.
[They embrace, on the rooftops, in front of the setting sun. Appropriately sappy music plays as the camera makes the most of the moment with sweeping angles. Then, Takashido moves his hands lower, and applies the Love-Potion cure. Tenba looks a bit confused.]
Tenba: What... you... TAKASHIDO!
[There is a quick blur of movement, and then Takashido goes flying across the rooftops, smashing through any unfortunate structures in the way. Tenba watches him go, arms crossed, until Takashido is well and truly out of sight.]
Takashido’s Voice: Sorry!
Tenba: Hm.
[Tenba looks down, then holds up the vial of Love Potion, with the one dose remaining.]
Tenba: This just might come in handy some day.
[Tenba smiles, and pockets the vial.
Much later, everyone is gathered back at the apartment. Either Takashido or Danova has managed to get Xiom Gai’s head on straight, and he is crawling around at Yamane’s feet begging for forgiveness. She ignores him.]
Danova [mutters]: Heartless bimbo... couldn’t even stop to help me when it was ME he was chasing, now could he?
Yamane: Danova no baka, shut up!
Rei: Rushe-kun, do you want dinner?
Rushe: Thanks, Rei, but I’ve got more important things to do. Like beating Danova here into the next dimension!
Danova: Hah! You couldn’t even defeat Yamane in a fair fight, much less me!
Rushe: You... you ingrate! After I go to all the trouble of helping you, and next thing I turn around and you’re trying to spoil my poor Yamane’s virtue?
Danova: YOUR Yamane? Are you kidding? She’s MINE and you know it! Yamane is destined to be my love, my soulmate, my...
Rushe: No way! She’s MY light, MY universe, MY hope of living...
Tenba [to Rei]: Well, it looks like things are pretty much back to normal.
