I have been staring blankly for a long time now, I can't be sure just how long though. I have long learned just how hard it is to keep track of time when something troubling is dancing through my mind. But something unknown to me stopped my troubling thoughts to turn my attention to the weather outside. It is pouring rain now. "That's funny," I think to myself. "Before the sun was shining, no clouds to be seen. How long have I been in this trance? How come now the weather has decided to so drastically change?" I stop to looking my indoor surroundings over, nothing running though my mind for once. This, of course, only lasts for a mer, meaningless moment. My attention is turned back to the window and the now raging storm. I pause, then I think, "Could it be possible? Perhaps, just maybe, She knows. Well, of course she knows. It is just so ironic. The moody skies are crying and frustration bursts from the clouds. Maybe sympathy. A small sign to show me She understands. I didn't ... I didn't ..." I can feel my heart pounding with the very thought but I continue, "Oh ... I didn't think anyone could possibly understand this ... this ..." I struggle to think of a word to describe what I feel. I come up with nothing. My mind goes silent as the now winds. Not a rustle trembles the leaves and in the distance, I can watch the retreating storm, and with it ... my thoughts. What was I thinking about again? The pain, it strikes. "It's gone," I think. "it is all gone ... all of it. Why? WHY? Why must I learn the importance only when it is taken away? Curse you Fates, curse you!" My mind goes blank and the storm leaves no trace. I feel a release and I breath slowly, carefully in, holding it. "Thank you," I think. Exhale.
It is the summer of 1999. Even if it was the winter/spring of 1998, I can still remember how it first happened, or how I perceived it any ways. Everyone takes in memories differently of course. I am no exception. I am sure, there is at least one person out there that might argue, but this is my story, and this is how I saw it. The events, as they were important and how they occurred. I can't describe how he felt, but I know how I do. I will tell this story, how it happened through my eyes ... I will tell it, my way.
I met him in a chat room on the Internet. I was still getting used to the whole Internet thing at the time, and I did find it quite addicting. I always wanted to be in a chat room, meeting new people. Now though, I can say 95% of the people I met, I lost complete contact with and lost all interest in the whole chatting experience. It just got worn. I don't complain though. I spent way too many hours on the Internet, embracing real life I can say is better. But the Internet connects with up with hundreds of people all over the world. The possibilities are endless. And it would seem that if you can't find a best friend in your small town like I live, then you had many to pick from in chat rooms and you could find people you were compatible with. It all amazed me. My little mind loved the possibilities, and I loved making new friends. I was limited in my small town with the friends I could make. In a lot of the choices, you didn't have one. It is a class system here. You be a jock and hang with all the other jocks. You be a prep and hang with all them. You can be a scrub and go with them. There was not much variety, but I did my best to make friends in all groups, even if they did clash. I never had problems making friends of any nature. I was well rounded myself. And as I would learn later, it was because I didn't know who I was myself. But, back to what I was saying. The first night I met, I knew there was something different about from him the start. He was under a very unique name. He was creating quite the stir with the people in that room. I decided to say hi. He was interesting enough that I invited him into a private room. We talked for a very long time. It probably would have kept going too but I had to go. The thing that intrigued me the most was that he loved and understood my favourite book, Lord of the Flies. When I had to go, I asked for his e-mail address, so I could keep in touch with him.. The reply I got was shocking. He claimed he could not give it to me because his parents would not allow it. A lie, of course. At first I was insulted, I ignored it though, something told me I should. A few nights later, I saw him again. He was under a different name, Fox Mulder, but he said hi to me and told me who he was to refresh my memory. I took this as an invite to have a conversation with him but as I tried, he ignored me. I let that slide as well. Nights later I saw that interesting name again. This time I was not only ignored, but he avoided me by changing rooms. I was beginning to get utterly insulted and wondering what I did to make him turn up his nose to me. I was persistent though, and I forgot about it. I continued to keep looking for him and ignoring the treatment. It was more then a week later before I saw him again. He actually wanted to talk to me, well, sort of. Using an emotion, he grabbed my hand and told me that we were being followed and had to changed rooms. I followed him in a series of rooms as he checked them out and I just played along, finding his sense of humour amusing, another thing that drew me to him. Soon we came to a room that he checked out and claimed was safe, so we could stay. A little into the conversation, he gave me an e-mail address, telling me I wasn't so bad after all. We stayed in that room for the duration that night that we talked. We amused ourselves by making fun of this accident-prone girl telling him all about her clumsiness experiences. Of course, she didn't know that he and I were laughing at her in our private messages. When it was time for me to go, he told me his name was Lance. He also said that the e-mail address he gave me earlier, not to use, and gave me another. Quickly, our friendship grew. We didn't communicate through e-mail, but ICQ. It became a daily routine. We had long talks for hours each and every day, until the point where we would look forward to talking to each other, rush to get online and smile when we saw each other's name pop online. He introduced me to a few of his Internet friends, as did I. We would go into chats and bother people, giving ourselves a good laugh. Or talk privately about anything that popped into our heads. This went on for three months. In that time, he became the second most person to be close to me. It didn't seem to matter that he was over 3,000 miles away. Our conversations were endless. Never were they casual, but in depth and intellectual. I had never met anyone like him before. We seemed so bonded spiritually, it was indescribable. Mentally, no one had ever come close to striking the inspiration and curiosity that he did in me. And nothing else mattered. Lance was simply, beyond all the limits, like an angel. Regardless of the distance, I soon found myself falling in love with him. On June 19th, these feelings were placed out on the playing field. An indescribable thing began from that moment on. It started way back when I first met him. They were small meaningless little white lies that I spoke to him about. They never really occurred to me until I agreed to commit to him. Commitment meant trust and honesty. I panicked, and I didn't know what to do. These little lies I had spoke to him in the beginning were the start of the manipulation and torture I would put him through in the end. I didn't know how to tell him the truth about them, so I never did. I just let them go .. and let them grow. Here, I had found someone who was unlike any other, yet, I would soon learn almost a year after, just how much of a cruel person I could be. What the lies were, is not important, but what is important is that fact that Lance believed them. That I told him such lies to cover myself up ... I disliked who I was, so I had to tell him a story of someone I could closely relate too and get sympathy for. I am sure that was all it was. I was alone. I was insecure. Such little lies could protect the truth, the truth being, I didn't know who I was. They were harmless, of course, the lies themselves could not hurt any one. They were small, like I said ... with or without them, I was the same person. It was the simple concept that I would lie. And it was the beginning of the mistrust that would rule Lance's and I's relationship. It was something that hurt our relationship a lot in the end. I had Lance manipulated enough he would believe whatever I would say to him. This was not what I ever wanted, but I did it any ways. I am sure, there are little people out there that can truly understand that. But, enough about that.
He and I would joke about how we could get to see each other. It was just a joke though, of course. What were the chances I would ever get to see him? I was not a traveller, I never went any where. I didn't have the money to spend a plane ticket to see him, and my mother would not pay for it because Lance was a stranger after all. The same thing went for Lance. We had no chance at doing it, of course. On July 1st, I left with family friends, the Wilson's, for a road trip that would last almost two weeks through the States. What were the chances? Lance and I wished we could meet, but I didn't think of asking the driver, Terry, I knew South Carolina was not on our planned trip. We would come so close, but not close enough. It was actually painful to go through first 4 days without talking to Lance. He was on my mind constantly throughout the trip. On the 5th of July, I asked Terry where we were going that day. I was shocked when I was told South Carolina to meet Lance. I was also told I had better have Lance's phone number with me, or they were going to make me scream out "Lance Smith" out the car window as they drove around Anderson. What luck. It did happen for some odd reason that I had brought my address book with me that carried Lance's address and number. What are the chances? I had never been nervous around guys, but for some reason I was scared to meet Lance. Perhaps I thought I would not be able to live up to the imagine Lance had of me in person. We pulled over at a phone booth on the way to Anderson. My mother dialed the number because I was too hyped up to even stop my fingers from trembling to push the buttons. I listened to my mother say, "Hello, is Lance there? Oh, well hello how are you? That's good. I have someone here who wants to talk to you." My mother handed me the phone then walked back to the van. I scolded myself as I took the receiver for being so nervous. I didn't have any reason to be and I couldn't figure out why I would be acting this way. But our short, first time, real conversation went as follows:
"Hi Lance, it's Tracy. How are you?"
There was a long pause before he replied. "I am good. How are you?"
"I am fine. I am also on my way to Anderson."
"Okay, Can you call me back, I am eating supper."
I was completely beside myself! Out of all the things I thought he could say, never was it that. It took me a while to figure out what to say in reply. I mean, here we were stopped at some gas station and he wanted me to give him 15 to eat and call him back. I let it slide.
"All right," I finally said. I will call you back at our next stop. Talk to your mom."
"Sure."
We exchanged out goodbyes and I wondered back to the van where I had to explain that Lance was helping his mother and could not talk ... I could not tell them he was eating supper. What kind of excuse was that? Well, I got to think about that question in the duration for an hour, the length of time it took us to find another phone booth. I ran the conversation over many times in my head, and finally I placed it together. Lance was even more nervous than I was. I am sure, when he heard my voice, found out I was going to meet him, the idea that his mother disliked disturbances during dinner never occurred to him that it was insufficient compared to us, in the middle of nowhere, calling him to get directions and plans. I knew that Lance had never really been with a girl before. He had all the rights I had to be nervous, and probably more. I smiled and giggled to myself at the thought of it. I truly did adore him for everything he was. Upon the realization that he was even more nervous than I was, I easily forgot all about my nervousness. I became relaxed and calmed down. I just became happy that I was about to meet this guy I found so intriguing. Our next conversation just said that I would call him from the car phone once we got into Anderson. So for the next two hours, I got the chance to seriously wonder what it was going to be like to meet Lance. How it was going to turn out. Once we were in Anderson and I was back on the phone with him, Lance further proved how nervous he was. We wanted him to give us directions. So as we drove along, I commented on what we were passing. Stores, restaurants, hospital, street names ... Lance had no idea where we were. He paused to go and get a map, but still, he could not find out where we were. Most of the time, I was doing all the talking or there was silence between us as I talked to someone else in the car. It was clear, Lance was too nervous to carry on a conversation like we were used to from the net. He had told his mother, and it was decided that we should find a hotel for the night and she would bring Lance up at 6 am. As it turned out, our hotel was only five or so minutes from Lance's house. How he didn't know where we where, is still a mystery to me. Apparently, how we came into Anderson, was backwards, or so Lance calms. I just didn't know there was a backwards way to go into a city. Lance and I would spend the morning together, doing whatever. It was s short time, but it would also be our first time face to face. It was just to see, how we would be together. And so, it was settled. We stayed at the Comfort Inn. I am sure, he got about as much sleep as I did that night. I got up early to have my shower and fix myself up before he showed. I am sure, my eyes barely left that clock as I counting down the minutes until he showed. When that knock on the door came, my heart just quivered. I was not nervous, on the contrary, I was very relaxed. But I had this stir of emotions that I could not recognize. Though slightly alarmed, I liked the feeling. I hopped up from the bed and answered the door ... and there he was. At first, I saw a boy sloppily dressed who needed some fashion sense and a hair cut. With his braces on and his acne, he was not some teenage model. But he stood there with a boyish grin and an inspirational hint to his eyes, and nothing else mattered. He wasn't the gorgeous guys I was used to, but he was so much more. As I stood there looking at him, I saw passed it all and saw him for who he was, the guy who had made it possible for me to fall so in love. This, the guy standing before me, was someone who struck the most deepest and sacred spiritual bond in me ... take that as you will. He was gorgeous, to me. We exchanged greetings, and after I introduced him to my mother and the rest, he introduced his mother to everyone. As the adults did their form of communication, Lance and I just watched each other silently ... I love him so much, I could feel it then and something in the way he looked at me, I knew he felt the same way. I listened as our mother's joked about how if Lance flew up to Toronto, my mother would be more then happy to pick him up at the airport and have him stay a while at our house. I glanced over at Lance and thought, "Oh, how I wish..." Everyone left us to do our own thing. We had all morning but we both knew that would not be long enough. We decided to just walk around the city. He was still to nervous to talk really, so I had to lead most of the conversations the best I could. Eventually, we made our way back to the hotel where we just laid together on the bed and made fun of a movie that was on ... this would begin a trend between him and I when we were together. Our conversation was little as I laid there with my head upon his chest, but it was an enjoyed silence. We were both very disappointed when everyone came back and he had to go. In the lobby as we all prepared to leave; Lance with his mother and me back on the road, we took a few pictures, then it was time to say goodbye. As I realized this, I felt an aching pain within my heart that I have never experienced before. I could barely find the words that spoke of farewells let alone reach out my arms to hug him. So, I said my parting and just watched him go ...
The last part of the trip was even more painful then the first. This was because now all I wanted to do was get back home and find out Lance's thoughts. I knew, when I got home there would be an e-mail explaining just that. In turn, I ached to tell him my feelings. But for another week, I would have to wait. Where I had this slight fear Lance might realize upon meeting me that our love was not so strong, I knew that was just not possible. Lance and I shared the ability to be very detailed and explainable in our 20 -50K sized letters to each other. One of these were waiting for me when I got home. All that I felt for him, this letter claimed he felt right back. Over the next week, more plans were being made. Lance and I knew we just had to be with each other again before his summer vacation was over. He had some money saved up and he was willing to spend it on a plane ticket up to stay with me for a week. My mother was more then welcoming and Lance often flew on planes alone to visit relatives so his mother was all right with the plans as well. So it was settles. Lance bought the tickets and would spend the first week of August and last week of his summer vacation in Canada with me ... neither of us could wait. For the rest of July, most of our nights and days were spent talking in front for the computer with each other. We would begin a conversation at 8 pm and by the time the sun was beginning to rise after 6, we would stop only because it was day break. We would talk about everything, huge and long debates of our opinions on anything possible. Everything, except for the odd this and that, we agreed upon. So, it was no longer a debate between two arguing sides, but an expression of a single side to expand the other's views by sharing your side. The best conversations though, would be when we would just talk about each other, about our love for each other, for the possibility of soul mates. And sometimes, the fears would be in my mind that I dare not speak, that we were the age we were, could you control this love we were feeling? I knew, it was love. People told me often I was too young to feel what I was, but regardless, I was feeling it any ways. No one could understand it, except Lance of course, he felt it too. So we ignored the mumbles of other people that spoke against us. We understood each other, and love each other, nothing else mattered. The best conversations, as I was saying, was when we talked about our love in such a way, it could never be matched. He began to open up to me until I knew his entire life story in detail. I began to know and understand him so well mentally and emotionally that I could predict him ... I liked that too, it made me feel closer to him, made me love him even more. I loved him for who he was.
