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In other words. This is all original stuff, use any of it and DIE. I better not need to repeat myself.
Never would I have complained, I loved it and if he hadn't been the one being so attentive, I knew I would have been. It was impossible to get enough. I could get drunk, I knew, trying to fill myself with his very presence, and never be satisfied. Our week together can't be described by words, it was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. Our love, I had never been so sure about anything like this before. His words, his gestures, his movements, attentiveness and that captivating look in his eyes, nothing had ever come close as his love did to pushing doubts from my mind. I normally second guessed everything, doubted everything and was never secure, but when It came down to Lance's love, it was never in play. But it was there in the back of my mind, I thought it was too good to be true. Something else, that would lead to the end. I couldn't believe it was real, and I pushed him too far, too much. I trusted him, more then I trusted myself. At nights when I would lay awake and him asleep peacefully at my side, I knew that if anything broke us up, it would be my fault. Saying goodbye to Lance at the airport was one of the hardest things I could ever do. It hurt so much to watch him leave and journey back home alone in that van. It felt so odd the first night to be back in my bed and not have him there at my side. It was something else, another feeling, that was beyond my comprehension. Before him I had felt so lost, with him, I felt like I was found and that I completed him as much as he did me. We needed each other, and we told one another that often. It was his simple presence that made me so happy. And happiness was not something that came easily to me. By the time Lance and I were back on our normal routine of talking for hours on end to each other over the Internet, we were already making plans to be with each other over the Christmas holidays. Because I had never flown before, let alone go for the first time by myself, it was decided that Lance would again come up and stay with me after the 25th. He would stay for the remaining part of the holiday week. We both started counting down the days. It began getting hard in October, I would guess. Hard for him and frustrating for me. It was hard on Lance because of his insecurity. Me living so far away, worried him that I would find someone else. Our life styles were slightly different in the way that I did go out with friends and gatherings and he still was not excepted back in his own school. This was something I could never fully understand. Lance was an amazing person, I never saw why he could not make many friends. This bothered Lance, deeply. He got jealous easily, my fault again, because I often made it my point to say or do things to make him jealous. It was one of the ways I knew he loved him as he did. It was also a way I tested those doubts in the back of my head that he was too good to be true. Lance, in turn, would always make me feel guilty for going out with my friends and leaving him alone. Because he had nowhere to go or friends to go with. So, regardless of how much I wanted to go out, I would stay home to be online with Lance. Slowly, I started cutting out my activities all together to be online. Months of pushing my friends aside to make him happy, eventually locked up much bitterness in me towards him, this would be evident later on. Slowly and almost unrecognizably, I started laying this bitterness on him bit by bit. This created a frustration in me because I was so happy with him, but another side of me was saying I was missing out on something by being with him. Lance and I argued a lot over his depression and over protectivness of me but we would always reassure each other that once we were back together at Christmas, everything would be better. Our time came finally. Once again I found myself eagerly waiting for him at the airport. As I saw him walking towards me, the feelings I experienced the time before had now intensified. We embraced in a hug, and, where I had commented a week earlier that I thought I would no be able to kiss him right at first because we had been apart physically for so long, I kissed him. I was much more than just happy to see him. The feelings were the same for him I am sure. As we laid snuggled, this time, in the back-seat of the van on the way home, I commented upon him, calling him a puppy. This nickname would be a following trend, something I would call him often. He didn't seem to mind like I thought he would, he seemed to enjoy it. When we got home, the week pretty much ran as the week did back in the summer. We would talk all night, sleep in the morning and get up long after lunch. At night, we would watch movies, lie out on the couch together and make comments on the acting, plot line, graphics, etc.. If it was a stupid movie, it was all the more comical because we enjoyed making fun of stupid things. But my mistake started early in the week. One of my better friends, Travis, wanted to come up for a day. Travis had been after me to go out with him for quite sometime. So, the night before he came I explained to Lance the situation and asked him to ignore any flirting that went on between him and I. Lance, probably very painfully, replied that he would ignore it, to make me happy. Why did he agree? Good question. He should not have. I had no right to ask it of him in the first place. I am not sure why either. Maybe in the back of my mind I wanted to see just how much I could get away with when it came to Lance. But, I truly had no idea what I was doing at all. No matter the reason though, I was seriously at fault. It was very cruel hearted and unfair. Why didn't he just leave me right then, and there, I can't understand. The next day was awful. Lance laid on a couch while Travis and I pawed each other the entire time. Though I was taunted by guilt the entire time, I still continued while poor Lance sat through it. I apologized that night to him and I was forgiven, though I should not have been. Lance put up with a lot when it came to me, he must have loved me very much. Again, I began to get scared. In my mind, even though I knew it as wrong, something was still messed up and I would try again, different things to see how much he could take. To prove to myself that he wasn't too good to be true. He had a flaw, and I would find it. Our last night together as we laid in the bed of our hotel room, I asked Lance if we could have an open relationship, where we could see other people. Lance, once again, agreed when he shouldn't have. I reassured him of my love, but that was all I could do. That night I held him tightly in my arms and cried as I wondered what and why I was doing what I was, why if I knew it was so wrong, why I couldn't stop. I just held him tight, and wept, wishing it would stop and asking myself questions ... but I really didn't know. All I did know was that I was doing it, knew it was wrong and I was not stopping. I loved him so much, but why was I hurting him? There were so many questions from that moments on that didn't have answers. I began to get angry at myself, I began to get bitter ... and I began to treat Lance even worse. Punishing him, as I tried to punish myself. The departure was even more painful this time that I had to fight with myself to stop from crying. We had talking about spending our entire summer vacation together, but this was the last time we would see each other, for we wouldn't make it to summer. I used the open relationship twice, both on situations that didn't last, or go anywhere. Nothing happened between me and the two guys that could even be classified as cheating without the open relationship. Though I am sure when Lance found out about them, he thought I was cheating and falling out of love with him. He didn;t understand, and I couldn't explain myself. I was looking for an alternative happiness, but I found I was never satisfied. My lack of being satisfied, lead me to be more bitter towards Lance, plus everything else. The thing was, was that Lance never did anything wrong, except have that one trait in him that always wanted me to be with him and not with others. That was something Lance could not help, and even if I did get bitter, I understood and excepted that trait. It resulted in more arguments and more unhappiness between us. It was all my work, all my fault. I knew this, but I could not stop myself either. It was like I was trying to teach myself lessons, and unfortunately, Lance was getting dragged along with it. There were starts for late night fears in me, and maybe even in him. Fears that told me Lance and I would not last much longer, and it was going to be my fault if I didn't change. And so I tried to change but nothing seemed to work, everything just started to get worse. Lance could barely understand my actions and my explanations were worthless, for I didn't even know what I was doing or why I was doing it. Regardless of Lance's confusion and painful unhappiness with me, he remained at my side. Which I didn't understand how or why he was. No one seemed to be able to change my mind, not even myself. When I wanted to stop and just be happy like I knew I could be with him, I couldn't. I was not stopping and being happy, I was getting more bitter and placing a wall up between him and I that got bigger as each day passed. We were losing each other. Love, it was no longer a conversation, but a way to say good byes and good nights. I began to say things to Lance that I knew would hurt him. It was getting to the point where I would go out of my way to do things that would hurt him. None of the things I say did I mean though, but I said and did them any ways. Lance could no longer believe anything I said. He could not tell my lies from my truths. Our late night conversations became short lived and consisted mostly of arguing, when it used to be words of our love. Still, Lance remained true, but as he waited for me to come around and get better, I knew I wasn't going to get better. That I needed this freedom from him. I was beginning to see our future, and it wasn't good. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I had only one thing I could do in hopes to save us. I made Lance promise me one night that if I ever ran from him, that he would come after me and never give up on me. Lance promised, but it became just another promise that could not be kept between us. And run I did. I could not believe his love was true. My mind was screaming at me to flee. That no one could take all that I was doing to him and still be at my side. NO ONE. That I was being set up to be hurt. I was so scared ... and I ran ... and I hurt him, terribly. By the time it was two months before our one year anniversary, we were broken up. Lance had no choice, but to let me go. I, on the other hand, had all the choices possible, but instead of picking the right one, which would allow me to straighten things out, I made the biggest mistake ... I walked away. So how come it takes losing something to realize how important it was? This, was what I realized in the end. Lance and I tried talking normally after the break up, but it was torturing him. After a long thought, I figured he would get better if we didn't communicate at all. So we said goodbye ... what ... pain it was to do so. Almost three months went by since the break up that the realization hit me ... I still loved Lance. I love him very much. I was very content with how my life was at the moment, but I knew that I had made a mistake. I talked to one of Lance's friends eventually, asking him how Lance was. The news was not good, Lance was not healing properly this friend claimed. I was pacing one night, back and forth in front of the computer, wishing my mind would shut up and my heart with it. But I cursed myself and slowly sat down, trying to calm my emotions. I flicked on my Yahoo! Pager and inhaled deeply at the name online, his name. I must have stared at his name for almost an hour, thinking of the "what if"'s. Slowly, I messaged him, asking him to just listen to me. It hurt, and my hands were trembling as I typed. The words I spoke to him did what I felt no justice, but they were true nonetheless, "I left you to find happiness, only to leave and realize my happiness was with you all along." It was true and as I read those words over, I realized something else. I had become the type of person I dislike the most. The type of person who asks for a second chances. I felt so hollow. The agreement was that Lance would talk to me when he was ready. I knew as I messaged him that day, that he was not ready, if he had been, I would have heard from him. Desperation was taking over. I knew I could live a life without Lance, but the thing was, I didn't want too. One of the main motivations for me needing to talk to him at that moment was that I realized that time does more then heal, it destroys, in a way most people never see. Katie, she was my best friends and closet person to me for four years. I learned this lesson with her. In the span of not talking for each other for almost a year, we drifted far from each other. I remember when we first had to part, we said down the path of life, we would see each other and it would be like we never parted. Only a year later when we came face to face on the street, my original fears were placed. "What would it be like," I often asked myself when I would think of her, "If Katie and I saw each other again? What would I say to her?" I feared, I would not have anything to say. That the gap in our lives would leave us speechless. We would cling to the imagines of who we used to be, but of course, we would have changed. Even realizing this, it would be impossible to let go. As we looked each other over, all we could say was, "Hi. How are you? That's good. I'm fine. You've grown..." and the conversation died. Here was the person that knew me like no other, who had saved my life, a person that meant the world to me and when we always had something to say to one another, neither of us could think of anything to say. We just stood there, silently. We both realized, we had become strangers, and nothing more. I simply could not let this happen to Lance and I, he meant too much to me. I never stopped loving him. I was not ready to learn the lesson I had learned with Katie, with Lance. I was not ready to let him go out of my life. It was not selfish thinking, or I would not call it that. I believe that I had found someone so compatible with me, a soul mate. But what were my views on what a soul mate was? Someone so compatible, it was spiritual and the feelings were so intense. But things that happened to normal couples, could happen to soul mates. We are, after all, just human. And humans make mistakes, make bad ones at times, but the difference with the soul mate, would be that no matter what the mistake, they could get back together and work things out. I wanted to see if Lance was truly my soul mate, if we could work things out. I was getting tired of listening to people tell me that Lance and I's time was through. We were nothing. He would not take me back, because we never loved each other another. We were too young to be so serious. I was sick of hearing people tell me that. I wanted proof of the claims. I wanted Lance to show me that ...
