LIBRARY AT MARIANAT

Scene Three

Backdrop has changed slightly to a different part of the forest. DEEDELUS and SOMA enter left, still arm-in-arm,
still singing. DEEDELUS & SOMA You're growing stronger,
You're growing younger
When you satisfy your hunger
For wonderful funga!
Wonderful, fabulous
Funga!
(From left, a GIANT PANDA carrying a large branch, sneaks up behind them. PANDA smashes SOMA over the head, knocks him out.) DEEDELUS Well, I'll be schlucked! (PANDA turns stage left and giggles with delight. At that very moment, MILLIAMA races in from the right. She is an attractive girl dressed much like Deedelus' Mother was dressed in the opening scene, except instead of a cone, she has a cube tattooed on her chest. She carries a rifle aimed in the direction of the Panda. PANDA whips out a pistol and shoots at Milliama, then rushes off stage. MILLIAMA, furious, is about to pursue the Panda, but DEEDELUS blocks her way. ) DEEDELUS Excuse please. Is this where the peacocks run?

MILLIAMA

Get the schluck out of my way, you schluckin' coner!

DEEDELUS

My friend and I, we're looking for the Library at Marianat.

MILLIAMA

You let that schlit of a schlucker go, you dumb schluckin' schlitface! (SOMA is beginning to revive, looks up at the two of them.) SOMA Don't let her call you a schluckin' schlitface.

DEEDELUS

What should I do?

SOMA

Fight back! Call her a schluckin' schlunt!

DEEDELUS

You schluckin' schlunt!

MILLIAMA

Whatdya call me?

DEEDELUS

You heard me!

MILLIAMA

You godamned schluckin' schlasshole!

DEEDELUS

You schlunt!

MILLIAMA

You schlit!
You schluckhole!

DEEDELUS

Watch who you hit!

MILLIAMA

I can take you any day of the week!

DEEDELUS

That's what you think, you schluckin' freak!

(THEY start to wrestle, first MILLIAMA on top of him, then HE on top of her. The wrestling becomes progressively more passionate. Suddenly DEEDELUS stops, sits up and faces front.) DEEDELUS

I think I'm in love.
Whatever that is.
I'm starting to melt
Under my belt
And something's beginning to fizz.

MILLIAMA

I think this is love.
What else can it be?
I started to melt
As soon as I felt
That schluckface is stronger than me.
He isn't my type.
He's really an odd piece---
But get a load of them thighs
And look at that codpiece.

DEEDELUS

Instead of a brain,
She's only got bugs there.
But get a load of that ass,
And check out those jugs there.

TOGETHER

My groin says it's love,
It cries out and shrieks!
This feeling's a blast,
Perhaps it will last
Maybe for one or two weeks.
I think this is love,
I'm sure that it's love. (SHE punches him, and HE punches her back. THEY become so excited THEY both move to opposite sides of the stage, their backs to the audience, obviously jacking off.)

SOMA Young love---ain't nothin' like it. Oooh, my schluckin' head!

DEEDELUS

It was that cute animal. He came up behind you with a big schluckin' branch.

MILLIAMA

Cute animal! That’s a K.P.!

DEEDELUS

What’s a K.P.?

SOMA

Man, don’t you know nothin’? A K.P. is a Killer Panda, o’course!

MILLIAMA

There are thousands of them dangerous schluckers. My uncle Plaba was killed by one.

SOMA

So was my schluckin' Cousin Kappo.

MILLIAMA

You mean you ain't never heard o' them?

SOMA

He's a muthuhschluckin' coner, what'd ya expect?
(HE pulls open her vest.)
Oh, a muthuhschluckin' cuber.

MILLIAMA

(popping him on the jaw)
Better than a muthuhschluckin' crescenter.
(DEEDELUS separates them.)

DEEDELUS

Are they born that way? Killer Pandas, I mean.

SOMA

They are now.

You see,
There is nothin' more allurin'
Than simple panda urine.
They discovered way, way back---
It's the greatest
Aphrodisiac.

MILLIAMA

Who cares?
Who wants to know?
A fact is a fact
You ain't gonna retract
So you ain't got no place to go.

DEEDELUS (to Soma)

Go on.

SOMA

I am telling you this
There's something magical in Panda piss.

MILLIAMA

Who cares?
Who wants to know?
A fact is a fact
You ain't gonna retract
So you ain't got no place to go.

SOMA

All the forward-thinking medics
Force-fed those creatures diuretics.
And everyone knows
Unless they're hopelessly dumb
As the world goes
The world's gotta cum.

DEEDELUS

The world's gotta cum?

SOMA

The world's gotta cum.

DEEDELUS

Then you can't blame them. I mean I wouldn't like peeing all day long because someone wanted my urine.

MILLIAMA

Who cares?
Who wants to know?
A fact is a fact
You ain't gonna retract
So you ain't got no place to go. (SOMA glances off stage, grabs DEEDELUS and Milliama and drags them behind a clump of bushes. The PANDA we saw before rushes on from stage right followed by a whole CHORUS of raging PANDAS, all carrying pistols, shooting into the air and bursting out in Indian war whoops. THEY exit left.)

MILLIAMA Ya see? You offend one of them schluckers and he goes back and gets all his relatives.

SOMA

(pointing in the opposite direction)
We'd better go this way.

DEEDELUS

Is this the way to Marianat?

SOMA

(shrugging)
Not sure.

DEEDELUS

But we've got to find the Library there.

MILLIAMA

Why?

DEEDELUS

My mother’s ashes. She wanted them scattered there. And it has all the information of the entire world.

MILLIAMA

Who needs it?

SOMA

It maybe got funga, too.

MILLIAMA

Ya think it's got something to wipe out those shluckin' killers!

DEEDELUS

You never can tell.

(CHORUS of raging PANDAS rushes now from stage left, again shooting and whooping it up. DEEDELUS, MILLIAMA and SOMA dash upstage and exit though a clearing in the woods.)
BLACKOUT