1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the ass

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels."
Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction