FADE UP
Opening shot: A long slow pan across a starfield to a close up of a cube ship hanging in the void. Over, we hear the heavy beat of a deathmarch.
VO: We are the BORG. We are the many and the one. Your life as you know it is over. You live now only in service to us. We have assimilated your culture, your technology and your biology. You are us. Resistance is futile. Success is ... inevitable.
The ship begins to move. Behind it we see the blackened stripped remains of an assimmilated planet.
CUT TO: inside the BORG ship...
many voices sound...
BORG1: Sub-spatial disturbance...
BORG2: not that STOMSKI dude again?
STOMSKI's VO: Hold on a minute, the Borg are one, so why are they talking to each other?
Voice of the director: Shoot that man!
BORG1: no, its something different...
BORG2: being one, we already knew that...
BORG1: we knew we were going to say that...
BORG2: some sort of ship is coming through...
VO: We are the DALEKS. You are in violation of the great DALEK empire. You will surrender, or we will EXTERMINATE you...
BORGCOLLECTIVE: You will be ASSIMILATED! Resistance is futile!
VO: EXTERMINATE - EXTERMINATE!
Cut to: another level
The Wee-Wah sound of the TARDIS is heard. The TARDIS materialises.
Cut to: inside the tardis
DOCTOR: We should be in England, Earth, mid 1940's.
SARAH: Actually grandfather, we're characters in an film, who have for no apprent reason appeared aboard a BORG ship.
DOCTOR: That sounds like a tennis player...
SARAH: You're gallifrean, what do you know about Earth Tennis?
Voice of the director: Kill that girl!
The door to the TARDIS is forced open.
BORG3: Prepare to be ASSIMILATED.
There is a blur, a screaming of light, and a DALEK appears in the centre of the control-room.
BORG3: All will be ASSIMILATED.
DALEK: You must be EXTERMINATED.
DOCTOR: Why are they talking in CAPITALS?
SARAH: Why not?
DOCTOR: Wait, I have to find my sonic screwdriver.
The Doctor searches franticly in his pockets, as the BORG and the DALEK fire at each other, missing for no apparent reason. The Doctor pulls a sonic screwdriver from his pocket, turns it on, grabs Sarah and ducks. The borg and the Dalek simultaneously fire, blasting each other out of existence.
DOCTOR: That was a close one.
Cut to: Space scene.
The DALEK and the BORG are happily blasting away at each other.
Cut to: A level of the Borg ship. Or possibly GSCE level...
DOCTOR: Or O-level...
SARAH: They understood the joke, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Now what?
SARAH: About now, we should stagger from side to side as we pretend to be in the middle of a space-battle.
There is the sound of the explosion. The Doctor and Sarah half-heartedly wobble from side to side.
DOCTOR: Ah, this is the bit where I get captured by the BORG, who attempt to assimilate me, but can't, for no very good reason.
SARAH: And I get killed off, allowing you to join up with some-one else as your companion for a new series...
The BORG enter the room and grab the DOCTOR and SARAH.
Cut to: the Space-battle.
A noise sounding rather like someone going choom is heard. The Enterprise warps into normal space.
Cut to: Onboard the Enterprise:
PICARD: Make it so.
DATA: I do seem to babble a lot don't I.
TROI: I sense... a flawed and cliched script, Captain.
PICARD: [Straightens top] Engage!
WORF: I suggest we just ram them, carve our way aboard and fight them until we are killed in a glorious and bloody death.
DATA: That would take 2 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes, thirty...
RIKER: Shut up Data. You can't go, Captain.
CRUSHER: Jean-Luc, I really must insist you come down to Sick-bay...
PICARD: Later, in my cabin.
WESLEY: There seems to be some sort of power fluctuation in the warp-core subsystem tectronics, Captain, but I've already solved the problem, so forget I said anything.
PICARD: Shut up, boy!
TROI: I sense... hostility.
VO: We are the BORG. We are not here right now, as we are currenlty engaged in battle with the DALEKS. If you wish to be a message, we will hear it after you have been ASSIMILATED.
GEORDIE: I see strange energy pulsations around that ship Captain. But I did let Guinan make my lunch...
TROI: I sense... sensations.
Cut to: Another level on the Borg ship.
BORG1: We cannot enter his mind!
BORGQUEEN: Why not?
BORG2: All we can get is this:
DOCTORSMIND: [Singing -
You have a heart of Gold,
A precious jewel to which I was sold,
But I just can't justify your love.
It hurts to see you walk away,
And I'd like to ask you back to stay,
To hold you in my arms just one more time.
Another day has passed me by,
A shattered dream, a distant cry,
And a feeling that I lost my world to you.
For a thousand years here I can stand,
Your precious jewel held in my hand,
And I just can't justify your love. -]
BORGQUEEN: What is that?
STOMSKI: [Suddenly manifesting himself in the middle of the room] Its Heart of Gold by Force and Styles, it's on STOMSKI Vol. 2.
BORGQUEEN: Wow, we are in the presence of STOMSKI!
DOCTOR: Ignore him, what about me!
Suddenly, the crew of the Enterprise, the Dalek Ship, and Howard the Duck materilise in the room.
STOMSKI: Howard the Duck?
Voice of the director: Mmmm, tea-time...
HOWARD: Touch me and you're one dead Movie director.
BORGQUEEN: Mmmm, Data.
DATA: I am versed in multiple types of love making.
The BORGQUEEN and Data leave the room.
INTERLUDE: A bar, somewhere in down-town LA.
A large high heeled shoe, connected to a very sexy leg crushes a car outside the window.
OLDMAN1: That another attack from the 50ft woman again.
OLDMAN2: Ayup.
END INTERLUDE...
Cut to: DALEK ship:
DALEK1: What's going on?
Camera pans to shipscreen on which the Borg ship is bouncing up and down...
DALEK2: Nooky...
Cut to: The BORG ship:
STOMSKI: Peace, love, unity and respect mannnn...
BORG: Of course, that's what we should be doing. Lets stop ASSIMILATING and start pumping to the groovy beat.
The Borg set up a pair of dexx and a 250K sound system in a matter of seconds and Stomski procedes to spin some choons with all the skill and precision equal only to Ben's ability to crash computers by merely standing in the same room.
All the BORG start raving.
Q appears in a flash of light.
PICARD: Q!
HOWARD: But the line is so long...
Q: Despite the fact that I have infinite power and immortality, I am once again going to kidnap your crew, fail to do anything definite, and be defeated once again.
TROI: I sense... repetitive plotline...
DALEK1: We will EXTERMINATE!
A flight of steps appears. Q and the ENTERPRISE crew walk up them and vanish.
DALEK2: Wait! Look - they can walk up steps. They're obviously much more powerful than we are...
DALEK1: We can walk up steps, we have those silly jet things...
DALEK2: No we don't, that's just a rumour. Besides, if we leave now, we can come back in the sequel.
The DALEKS all beam away.
DOCTOR: Thank god for the effects of the sonic screwdriver.
STOMSKI: So, Howard, ever listened to Happy Hardcore?
HOWARD: I've been a Slipmatt groovy ever since he became President!
STOMSKI: Really,we must talk...
STOMSKI and HOWARD walk away together, DJ Spinback takes to the dexx, but gets booed off by the Borg 'cause he's sh*t. Leaving only the
DOCTOR: Help? Hello? Anybody there? Can I be free'd now? Hello?
Enter BORGSARAH.
DOCTOR: Ah, Sarah. get me out of here would you. Sarah? Sarah, what are you doing? No, get away from that. Don't press that...
Cut to: Space scene...
The Enterprise warps away. The Dalek ship vanishes. The Borg ship warps away.
The TARDIS floats slowly into view, turning gently.
Cut to: Interior of TARDIS
The doctor has rejuvenated as a woman, and is now wearing only a three mile long scarf.
DOCTOR: Oh no! I no longer have any clothes that fit...
Cut to space:
The TARDIS warps away as we...
FADE TO BLACK.
Stomski and the DALEKS revenge