FADE IN
Opening shot: A dark, almost starless void. A small, lonely sun. A lone, black and cold planet circling it hungrily in the wastes of space. Slowly, in the silence, a sleek, dark ship drifts slowly out of the shadow of the planet. As the light of the sun strikes in silver glints off its shell the view is overlayed with a slow, jazzy, mechanical sounding tune.
We pull up and back as the ship slowly turns towards us. An oscillating hum, beggining to grow in volume cuts through the music.
The ship begins to loom in our screens. It fires, red lazer death splattering out at us. As it strikes, the hum reaches a peak, everything fades to red, and all the music stops, replaced by the dull roar of an explosion.
We fade back to the starfield as the roar fades out. Pieces of wreckage drift by. As we pull back, and green gridding appears we realise we are watching a viewscreen. We pull all the way back to reveal two DALEKS.
Cut to: interior of ship, wide angle shot.
The ship is perfectly flat inside, a large white featureless room. Various coloured Daleks move back and forth across it.
BLACKDALEK1: Target destroyed.
BLACKDALEK2: My shot was perfect.
BLACKDALEK1 swings menacingly on BLACKDALEK2.
BLACKDALEK1: It was my navigation that gave you that shot.
BLACKDALEK2 raises his weapon.
BLACKDALEK1: You couldn't navigate a straight line.
We hear the hum of lazers coming online as both DALEKS sight at each other.
BLACKDALEK2: You couldn't shoot a fish in a barallel.
Just as it seems they are about to shoot each other, a WHITEDALEK drifts up, slowly and sedately, radiating an aura of power.
WHITEDALEK: There are no more fish.
BLACKDALEK1: We destroyed all the fish.
BLACKDALEK2: We didn't just destroy them....
WHITEDALEK: We EXTERMINATED them! [Laughs]
All the DALEKS begin rushing backwards and forwards crying 'EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE....' and laughing mechanically...
WHITEDALEK: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! WEEEEEE!.... uh-erm...[coughs embarresedly] Anyway, thats the last of them. Who's next on the list?
REDDALEK1 [in Background] : We did A'tharn...
REDDALEK2 [in Background] : And B'zarnia, Caropia, Doh, Eefgee, Hachijay...
BLACKDALEK1: Kayellem, Ennopee, Quaress, Teeyouvee...
BLACKDALEK2: Doubleu, Exwhy and Zee...
REDDALEK1: Now I know my A, B, C, won't you sing along with me...
REDDALEK1 collapses in a hail of lazer fire.
WHITEDALEK: You mean - we've killed everything? There's nothing left.
BLACKDALEK1: Not a sausage.
BLACKDALEK2: Only 'cos you ate the last one.
BLACKDALEK1: Hey, look, it was only a sausage...
BLACKDALEK2 begins to power up his weapons again.
BLACKDALEK2: It was my sausage!
BLACKDALEK1 begins to power up his gun.
BLACKDALEK1: Oh yeah! And what happened to my Lentil Casserole, eh?
WHITEDALEK: Silence! There is only one thing left to do.
BLACKDALEK1: What?
BLACKDALEK2: Tell us, great commander!
WHITEDALEK: We shall... we shall...... We shall advertise in the yellow pages!
REDDALEK2: [after a pause] What a stupid idea!
REDDALEK collapses in a hail of lazer fire. The bright red streakes continue as we cross fade to
Timepeace Club. The lazer fire suddenly appears to be a motif painted on the walls. The sound of lazer becomes the first few bars of the incredibly loud and bouncy music that is playing.
HOWARD: This is MC The DUCK welcoming you to a night of hardcore heaven! Lets hear some noise in the house!
the CROWD roar and cheer
HOWARD: Ladies and Gentlemen - DJ STOMSKI has taken the dexx!
the CROWD begin to chant
CROWD: STOMSKI, STOMSKI, STOMSKI, STOMSKI....
STOMSKI: Are you ready for this?
the CROWD go wild
STOMSKI: Hit it!
Music mixes into Broken Wings.
After four hours of perfect mixing, STOMSKI finishes on the dexx. As he leaves the stage he is approached by the MANAGER.
MANAGER: That was damn groovy, mix-master!
STOMSKI: So, you want me back next week?
MANAGER: Can't, mate. We have to close down. Cockroach problem.
STOMSKI: Are they that much of a problem?
MANAGER: Just look at them.
As he points, the camera pans to the bar where two six-foot cockroaches are currently eating the bar-maid.
MULDER steps out of the crowd.
MULDER: Hmmm, cockroaches. I know how to solve this problem - now, where did I leave Dr. Bambi? More importantly, will anyone get the reference?
MULDER wanders off.
STOMSKI: I see... Have you tried Exterminators?
MANAGER: We've looked everywhere, but we just can't find anyone decent.
STOMSKI: Have you tried the yellow pages?
MANAGER: Now, why didn't I think of that?
STOMSKI: Because we wouldn't have been able to do the six-foot cockroach joke.
MANAGER: Fortunetly, I happen to have the yellow pages right here, in pill form.
The MANAGER swallows the pill.
MANAGER: Hmmm, Kelad Extermiantors - they sound good. I'll just phone them on this mobile-phone pill.
STOMSKI: You know, you really ought to cut down on the amount of pills you do, it 'm'ucks you up mentally y'know.
The MANAGER stares vacantly into space with dilated pupils from the school next door.
MANAGER: Still the dialing tone... Aaaah - they've picked up.
DALEKWOMAN VO: [Husky voice] Well, hello. I'm wearing nothing but a couple of ammo belts...
MANAGER: er.... I was calling about the Exterminators?
DALEKWOMAN VO: [Cocky accent] Oh, righto Guv', Ah'll put you thru'
DALEKVOICE VO: Kelad Exterminators, you have 'em, we snuff 'em. No job to large, unless it involves blue police boxes and people all calling themselves the Doctor despite being quite clearly completely different actors.
MANAGER: Do you do giant cockroaches?
DALEKVOICE VO: Would that be your common, garden variety giant cockroach, your six-foot-rather-like-in-that-kafka-book variety, or your old-japenese-b-movie-godzilla variety giant cockroaches?
MANAGER: The six-foot-rather-like-in-that-kafka-book variety.
HOWARD: You repeat it twice and still they're going 'What - who's this Kafka guy.' What is the educational system coming to?
DALEKVOICE VO: We'll be right there.
The MANAGER blinks and his gaze regains focus.
INTERLUDE: A bar, somewhere in down-town Coast-City.
A huge robotic creature smashes through the builidng opposite, and just before it hits the bar is pulled away by a streak of blue.
OLDMAN1: That another attack by the Cyborg Superman again.
OLDMAN2: Ayup.
END INTERLUDE...
The MANAGER blinks and his gaze regains focus.
CAMERAMAN: Woah - deja vu maaan...
DIRECTOR: Shush! Action!
The door to the club bursts open.
MANAGER: It's a raid! And me without my license!
STOMSKI: No its not, it's the... EXTERMINATORS!
Enter huge DALEK fleet, followed by the WHITEDALEK in a familiar looking hovercycle.
WHITEDALEK: Prepare to be EXTERMINATED!
COCKROACH1: You know, that hover-cycle is kinda familiar...
COCKROACH2: Yes, I was just thinking that... You know, it's almost like... No, not even the Daleks could be stupid enough to steal LOBO's bike... Or could they?
Enter LOBO.
COCKROACH1: Time to leave!
LOBO: Feetals Gizz! Bastich nicked my hover cycle, time for me to do some serious fraggin'
HOWARD: Touch me and you're one dead white skinned alien bounty hunter.
Suddenly, the DIRECTOR rushes into the centre of the scene.
DIRECTOR: No, I'm sorry, that's just far too convenient! CUT! I said CUT! WILL YOU ALL PLEASE JUST....
The DIRECTOR suddenly realises that he is standing directly between LOBO and the DALEKS, both of whom have very, very large weapons pointing directly at him.
DIRECTOR: Please just... just... ooooh, mummy...
DIRECTOR explodes in a hail of frag grenades and lazer fire.
HOWARD: This is not good!
MANAGER: You can say that again - those cockroaches left without paying.
STOMSKI: I have a cunning plan!
MANAGER: Not a cunning plan!
STOMSKI: Yes, a cunning plan!
HOWARD: Not a cunning plan!
LOBO: Cut the 'cunning plan' lark already! Fraggin' bastich!
HOWARD: Touch me and you're one dead muscle bound over armed murdering psycopath!
REDDALEK3: No change there, then!
REDDALEK3 explodes in a hail of fire.
MANAGER: This plan -
STOMSKI: This cunning plan -
MANAGER: This cunning plan.... er... What is it, exactly?
STOMSKI: Using this small micro-transmitter relay circuit, which I just happen to have, I'm going to jam that mixing-magic of mine directly into the transmitter in Lobo's brian!
HOWARD: Lobo has a transmitter in his brain?
MANAGER: Lobo has a brain?
STOMSKI, dodging a hail of lazer fire, plugs a small, unassuming black-box into the socket on his mixer, slips a tape marked 'STOMSKI VOL 2' into the cassete player, turns the volume full up and hits play.
The DALEKS meanwhile have been all but defeated, and are starting to run away. LOBO is following them, a HUGE gun in one hand, and a couple of frag-grenades in the other.
LOBO: Eat frag-grenade.... What the?
LOBO pauses as, slowly building up over the the sounds of battle we hear 'Hold me' being played.
LOBO: Cool sounds!
WHITEDALEK: Hang on - that sounds like a Stomski mix.
WHITEDALEK: It IS a Stomski mix - run for it guys, you saw what happened to the Borg!
REDDALEK4: How can we run for it? We don't have any feet!
REDDALEK4 dissapears in a hail of fire.
The DALEKS all rush out, vanishing over the distant hills.
LOBO, a strangly normal grin, and a bright, vacant look wanders out of sight, humming 'Heart of Gold.'
SOMSKI: PLUR!
MANAGER: Wow! You've saved our lives, the club, and a small percentage of my profits! Look - the bar has been left intact! Oh-no!
The COCKROACHES have returned, slinking back through the hole in wall!
MANAGER: Now what shall I do?
STOMSKI: The power of Happy Hardcore is with us!
There is a whirring, groaning noise, and the TARDIS appears in the middle of the bar, crushing the COCKROACHES. The door opens, and the DOCTOR, in a tight fitting red dress, walks out.
DOCTOR: Did I miss anything?
Everone laughs as we cut to:
A dark alleyway, somewhere late at night. A blue blaze of lightning appears as a T-1000 drops out of the sky.
T-1000: STOMSKI! Must kill SOMSKI!
As the T-1000 walks stifly down the alley we
FADE OUT.