Fade in.
Opening shot: A wide clear starfield, streaked with a purple nebula. A large green planet orbits slowly below. Slowly, majestically, the mighty brow of the USS Dougal slowly enters the view. The Camera pans up and back to show the whole ship which slowly comes to rest.
Cut to: Interior of the Dougal.
The Dougal is bright, clean and new looking. Its Captain, the ever beautiful EMOTION is standing to attention. To her side is first officer VIBES. Ensigns SEDUCTION and SHARKEY are sitting at their stations. Before the Captain and her crew stand the newly elected President SLIPMATT and STOMSKI, DJ to the stars, Goodwill Ambassador to the Universe.
EMOTION: Welcome aboard, Mr President, Mr Ambassador.
SLIPMATT: It is our pleasure to attend this maiden voyage.
EMOTION: It is a honour to have you here, sirs.
SLIPMATT: Anything for my mate, STOMSKI. He got me this job, you know.
EMOTION: Before we get down to business, I was wondering, Mr Ambassador...
STOMSKI: Call me Stomski, please.
EMOTION: Well, Stomski, could you - I mean would you...
STOMSKI: Do a mix for ya'?
EMOTION: I'd like that *EVER* so much.
STOMSKI: Of course I will. But tell me, how are you enjoying my Ambassador's reception?
EMOTION: By experiencing emotion, Ambassador. Besides, m'sieur, with these Roche's you're really spoiling us!
VIBES: Echellente!
SEDUCTION [At helm]: Shall I set a course?
SHARKEY [At tactical]: You couldn't set a jelly, go open a kebab shop.
SEDUCTION proceeds to throw SHARKEY to the floor, draws his phaser, and gives him a quick short-back and sides. Before he can begin the shave, SLIPMATT interrupts.
SLIPMATT: Remember yourself, Gentlemen.
SEDUCTION returns to his place, and SHARKEY grudgingly settles down, threatening to press charges.
EMOTION: My apologies, President. This crew is new and untested. Fortunetly this mission should be routine. I was just about to send an away team down to the planet below. Would you care to join them?
STOMSKI: Let's check out this setting.
SLIPMATT: And its a perfect opportunity to try out some computer generated landscapes...
Cut to: Transporter Room.
Enter the Away Party to President SLIPMATT, Captain EMOTION, VIBES, Ambassador STOMSKI. A MAN IN RED follows slowly and depressedly.
EMOTION: What took you so long?
AWAYTEAM1: We were drawing straws.
SLIPMATT: Straws?
AWAYTEAM2: To see who would be the man in red, Mr President.
MAN IN RED: I chose the short straw... [drops to his knees, crying] Please, don't make me go, I don't want to die! NOOO!
EMOTION: Pull yourself together, man! It's just a routine mission.
ZAPHOD enters, looks puzzled and wanders back out again.
ZAPHOD: Hey Ford! Come and look at these froods! They know where their towels...
ZAPHOD'S words are cut off by the closing door. The AWAY PARTY climb aboard the transporter pad.
EMOTION: Energize.
We here the slow rising wail of the transporter circuits, and the crew vanish in a disspating purple haze.
Cut to: a barren and deserted waste, wherein the vegetations is charred and burnt, the buildings ruined, the air harsh and smoky.
We hear the wind whistle. A doorbell sounds somewhere in the distance. The humm of a transporter beam cuts through the air, leaving silence in its wake. After a moment, we hear muffled coughing. A door in the wall facing the camera slowly opens. Dust spills out into road.
The AWAY TEAM exit the building and stand in a loose circle on the ground.
VIBES: Be ready for anything men. Remember,this is a routine mission.
MAN IN RED: We're going to die. We're definetly all going to die.
Enter ARTHUR, in his dressing gown.
ARTHUR: Yes, I tell them that all the time, and what do they say? "Shut up ape-man." I ask you. Anyone seen a cup of tea?
ARTHUR wonders off as the AWAYTEAM begin their TRICORDER sweep.
INTERLUDE: A bar, somewhere in down-town TOKYO.
A large green foot crushes a car outside the window.
OLDMAN1: That GODZILLA again. OLDMAN2: Ayup.
END INTERLUDE...
Cut to: Another part of this bleak landscape.
A McDonalds sign blinks slowly in the night air.
VIBES: Night seems to have dropped very suddenly.
Enter MULDER and SCULLY waving pointlessly large torches.
MULDER: Do you beleive in alien abduction *now*, Scully.
SCULLY: There is a perfectly logical explanation for this, Mulder.
The two walk off into the darkness.
MAN IN RED: This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening...
AWAYTEAM1: Now what, sir?
STOMSKI: Lets stop for lunch.
The AWAY TEAM enters the McDonalds.
A fat, strangely familiar man stands behind the counter. He is flipping burgers and humming. Despite the brightly lit shop, he is wearing a pair of shades.
ELVIS: What can I do for you?
STOMSKI: Quarter Cheese Meal. Make sure I get extra gherkins and two of those McDonalds Money Monopoly promotion thingies.
ELVIS: Thank ya' very much. uh ho ho.
In the corner, MULDER and SCULLY are sitting at a dark table. MULDER is stuffing his face with two Quarter Pounders, while SCULLY looks on in disgust.
SCULLY: Its just a guy in an Elvis suit, Mulder.
MULDER: Damn, I hate gherkins.
STOMSKI, standing nearby, notices MULDER removing the gherkins from his burger and replacing them with sesame seeds.
STOMSKI: Hey, can I have your gherkins?
MULDER: Sure.
STOMSKI: You know, I've seen your work... Aliens do exist, just look at Ben's homepage.
SCULLY: There *is* a logical explanation.
STOMSKI: You foxy babe.
MULDER: Don't call me Fox. Not even my parents call me fox.
SCULLY shrugs her shoulders, then stares at the window.
SCULLY: [mutters] And he never lets me drive...
STOMSKI wanders back to the counter.
ELVIS: Thank you little DJ boy. Uh huh huh.
STOMSKI: You know, you remind me of someone.
ELVIS: Life's just a heartbreak hotel.
The fat-man wanders off. In the backroom smoke curls towards the light.
CANCER-MAN: The project must remain a secret.
ALEX KRYCEK shoots Elvis.
STOMSKI wanders back to join the AWAYTEAM who are all busily scoffing Big Macs and Cokes.
STOMSKI: Anyone got any spare gherkins?
VIBES: There don't seem to be any dangers here. Its just a routine mission.
MAN IN RED: We're going to die, this can't be happening, this can't be happening...
MULDER and SCULLY walk pass, heading for the exit. SCULLY stops at their table, and hands her card to STOMSKI.
SCULLY: If you're ever in Washington look me up. We're in the basement office.
STOMSKI: Catch you later, FBI babe-dude.
AWAYTEAM1: There were of course anomalous readings.
AWAYTEAM2: Not to mention the strange shadowy people that have been following us.
EMOTION VO: Captain EMOTION to AWAY TEAM - are you reading me. You better get back here right away...
VIBES: Is there a problem?
EMOTION VO: VIBES, you better look out, I just saw...
BORG VO: We are the BORG. We are the many and the one. Your life as you know it is over. You live now only in service to us. We have assimilated your culture, your technology and your biology. You are us. Resistance is futile. Success is ... inevitable.
AWAYTEAM1: Oh no, its the BORG.
AWAYTEAM2: A race of cyborgs that roams the universe searching for new technology.
AWAYTEAM1: Why?
AWAYTEAM2: Because they have yet to find sunbeds that work.
MAN IN RED: [wails] Oh God, I don't want to die!
STOMSKI: We better beam back up.
Cut to: Transporter bay
A purple haze reforms itself into the bodies of the AWAY TEAM.
STOMSKI: It seems quiet. Too quiet. What do you think, VIBES?
STOMSKI looks round, but VIBES is no where to be seen.
STOMSKI: Hey, AWAYTEAM1, have you seen VIBES? AWAYTEAMS1? He was standing there just a minute ago? Strange.
STOMSKI looks around, but now he is alone on the platform except the MAN IN RED.
MAN IN RED [whimpers] Won't come off - won't come off.
He is clawing at his top, but it seems glued down.
A BORG steps out of the darkness. It raises its weapon.
BORG: You will be ASSIMILATED.
The gun is pointing square at STOMSKI.
MAN IN RED: Thank-you, Lord!
The gun goes off, ricochets off the back of the transporter pad, and hits the MAN IN RED in the back of the head.
MAN IN RED: Asshole.
The MAN IN RED collapses to the deck.
STOMSKI: Uh-oh. Fortunately I happen to have Vol 1 of my mix tape series here!
Quickly, STOMSKI turns his walkman up to full volume and hits play, sliding the headphones onto the BORG. The BORG starts staggering around.
BORG: You will be... You will be... The love of my life, Driving me cray-eee-zee!
The BORG, still singing uncontrollaby, staggers off into the wall and collapses, weeping openly.
STOMSKI: Coo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ool.
Cut to: Bridge of the Dougal.
EMOTION: You will never take me alive; you may have changed our interior designer, reducing the Dougals primary power supply by ten percent, but I can still take you on!
BORGCOLLECTIVE VO: Resistance is futile.
STOMSKI VO: Oh yeah? Cop a load of this, mate.
EMOTION: Stomski? Where are you?
STOMSKI: In main engineering - I've plugged my dexx into the Warp-Drive. This will sort them out!
Over the internal speakers, we hear:
SPEAKERS:
Pretty green eyes
So full of sparkle and such light
So lifes been unkind
She chose not to cry
But its alright
Now your lover has come home
And by your side I'll always stay
You'll never have to be alone
BORGCOLLECTIVE: Must --- ASSIMILATE --- Can not be --- defeated...
STOMSKI: Assimilate THIS!
SPEAKERS:
Pretty green eyes
So full of wonder and despair
Its alright to cry
For I'll be there to wipe your tears
And in your arms
Together we're in paradise
And its so nice
You'll never have to be alone
BORGCOLLECTIVE screams in defiance before fading out to a mear whimper.
Cut to: View screen, EMOTION in shot facing screen. On the screen, the BORG ship slowly drifts away before crumpling and imploding.
EMOTION: How did you do that?
STOMSKI: Well, I guessed that because the Borg are all moody cunts, I thought that they're probably Junglists and so any happy hardcore would turn them into a gibbering wreck...
Cut to: Starbase 69
BUTTHEAD: He said 69. Uh huh uh huh.
BEAVIS: yeah, that was cool, he heh he.
Cut to: Starbase 112
BOSSFEDERATIONBLOKEY: Congratulations, commander.
STOMSKI: It was just a *routine* mission, sir.
Everybody laughs.
Cut to: The hold of the Dougal.
Slow pan into a small glowing beacon, with the words "DALEK - homing beacon, handle with care" printed on the side.
Heavy beat.
FADE TO BLACK.