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MOTHER ROLE
by Nancy Anderson
Lady's Circle
July, 1970
Elizabeth, star of the long-lived television series, "Bewitched," was discussing the importance of communication, not only between generations but between all people.
Love and communication are very big things to her. Through them she hopes to sustain her children against future hurts and temptations.
They are all she can really offer by way of protection--all any mother can give.
Elizabeth's youngest, Rebecca, was only six months old when I talked to her mother, yet the star had already regained the trim, taut-tummied look of a high-school cheerleader.
She was in her dressing room, twice as large now as it was during the first year of the show, eating soup between rehearsals. Her brown knit dress was conservatively chic, the kind of thing a bright young matron like Samantha, the witch, would find practical.
"We haven't faced major crises in our family yet," Elizabeth said, "problems attributable to the generation gap, because my children are still very young."
(Willie is five; Robert, four; and Rebecca, a baby.)
"It's hard to say how I'd handle any particular problem I haven't yet faced. I have ideas about things, but I may change my mind as I read more and learn more.
"However, I have some general principles I apply which I hope will guide my children when they are faced with difficult decisions.
"Communication is the most important thing there is. Parents have to keep the door open, and they must realize that a child's and a teen-ager's problems are desperately important.
"Something that may seem trivial to an adult can be enormously important to a young person. Enormously. And the parent has to be able to treat it seriously."
The daughter of movie star Robert Montgomery and former Broadway actress Elizabeth Allen has nothing but praise for them. "My parents are fantastic. They've always had such strength, and I could always go to them.
"It's exciting to have a family that gives you love without smothering you to death, and that's fun to be with! Life with my parents was exciting and fun.
"I know this, too. You can't force your children to love you. I heard a line on a television show the other day that went something like this:
"A woman said to her son, 'It's your duty to love me because of all I went through bringing you into the world.'
"Did you ever hear anything so awful in your life?
"No one will love you through duty. You can't use force to hang onto anything as gossamer as love. When you say, 'You owe me love,' you make love sound like a bad debt."
While Elizabeth argues that parents and their children should have fun together, she nevertheless believes that parents should be parents and not their children's peers.
"Some parents are trying to be younger than their children," she said. "Children don't want that. They want guidelines.
"Parents with rules about what's right and wrong give a child an exuse not to go along with the crowd. When I was growing up, I had a great excuse: 'They (my parents) won't let me.'
"How can I prepare my children to meet life's temptations and crises?
"I can't give a set formula, because how do I know what the crises will be?
"You teach children through tiny steps. By taking care of a pet turtle, for instance, a child learns responsibility.
"A parent can only lay the right groundwork and let the child's instincts take over."
Elizabeth admits that she's learning all the time, about children and the world. While holding to certain old values, she's amenable to new ideas, some of which come from her teen-age stepchidren, a boy and a girl.
"Older people can learn, too," she said, "or they should try to. I'm sort of between generations. I'm not what's meant by 'the older generation,' and still I'm not one of 'the young.' So I can see the value of both sides of the generation gap.
"Grown-ups have to learn from the young people. One has to accept new ideas and grow with whatever time you live in. No matter how you may cherish the past, you must continue to progress.
"One can't live even in the happiest of childhoods.
"I know a middle-aged woman who was told, when she was a child, that she was an adorable little thing, and she's never gotten over it.
"She reads the newpaper and watches television, but mentally she's still that adorable little thing she used to be. Even her mannerisms and her voice show that she thinks of herself as a darling, adorable, little girl.
"She's ridiculous and she's sad. If she'd let go of the past and live in the present world, she'd probably enjoy it.
"On the other hand, we can't ignore the wisdom of older people. A great deal of their knowledge can be invaluble."
Elizabeth's own life is very "now." Despite her stardom, her joys and problems are similar to those of many modern young women, for, like a legion of her contemporaries, she is a working mother.
Because she can afford to pay more for help, she doesn't have some of the child-care problems other mothers face, yet many of her anxieties and considerations are common to all women who work away from home while their children are young.
"Bewitched," now in its sixth year on ABC-TV, has been picked up for three more and could possibly run forever provided its star were agreeable.
Fortunatley for the future of the series, Elizabeth's husband, Bill Asher, is the show's producer-director, and he understands all her professional problems. He and Elizabeth always work together, even arriving at the studio together and leaving at the same time.
Elizabeth doesn't have to worry, not for a minute, about her job's effect upon her husband and her marriage. However, its effect upon the children is a different matter.
As a conscientious mother, she must ask herself: Does she spend enough time with her sons and her daughter? Do they get too much or too little discipline while she's away? And are they happy?
So far, Elizabeth has been able to fill the roles of wife and television witch without conflict.
"We are up at about 6:00 every morning," she says, "and when we're shooting I get home at about 7:30 or 8:00 at night. But on rehearsal days we have the afternoons at home with the children, and one night a week we keep the boys up past their usual bedtime so that we can be together. Then, of course, we do things as a family on the week-ends.
"Robert and Willie are in school now, so we couldn't spend the mornings with them anyway."
Because she's constantly learning, Liz has introduced new methods into Rebecca's nursery.
"Rebecca is absolutely extraordinary," Rebecca's mother says. "She has a great disposition. But when she was born, I was more concerned with the boys' attitude toward her than anything else. I didn't want them to have to be quiet every time the baby was asleep, so, from the first, I put a radio in her room and turned it on. She got used to noise right away and can sleep through anything.
"I told the nurse that once she is fed and ready to be put in bed and is all right, not to pick her up when she cries.
"With Willie, every time he yelled the nurse I had then grabbed him. As a result, he had a marvelous time yelling his head off until someone picked him up. We soon put a stop to that.
"But not Rebecca.
"I know some women aren't going to like what I'm saying. However, no matter what you say you are going to offend somebody. All you can do is what you think is best and what's worked for you, and the system I'm using with the new baby is working.
"She's a robust little thing and very well adjusted."
Elizabeth is glad that the children's regular nurse, Joyce Cowling, is "quite strict," but also gives them a lot of affection. "She makes it easier for us," she says, "by not letting us be the only people who have to say 'No!'"
In general, Elizabeth and the nurse see eye-to-eye where matters of discipline are concerned.
Sometimes, though, there are small differences in approach. Once Elizabeth came home to find young Robert crying as though his heart would break, and, when she asked what was the matter, Willie explained that Robert was crying because he had sand in his shoes.
"Well, now," Elizabeth consoled her second son, "that's nothing to cry about."
However, for a time, Robert was inconsolable.
"I found out later," Liz said, "that the nurse had spoken rather sternly to the boys about tracking in sand in their shoes, so Robert thought he had done something unforgivable. She had no way of knowing in that instance that Robert would take her chastisement so seriously. Sometimes, Robert is much more sensitive than his brother, and he's always been more of a cuddler.
"I think every child shoud be handled according to his own personality."
Regardless of their personality differences, though, both boys know that when their mother says something she means it. She never makes idle threats, and she says it's important not to make the threats. However, if she threatens, she stands firm.
"Once," she said, "after Robert said something rather rude to the nurse, I heard her threaten to wash his mouth out with soap.
"She didn't do it, though, and he promptly told Willie that he had gotten away with something.
"I called him aside and told him, 'I heard what you said and I don't think that was very polite. If you talk to anyone like that again, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap. And you know if I say I'll wash your mouth out with soap, I will do it."
"Robert must have believed me, because he told Willie, 'I don't think I'll say that again.'
"We went through the 'terrible two's'," Elizabeth continued, "and they were pretty terrible, but I find five a fascinating age.
"Since Willie and Robert started school, they've picked up all sorts of little things. One day I heard Willie say 'damn'.
"I looked at that beautiful, golden head, and I could hardly believe my ears. But he'd said 'damn' all right.
"So I told him, 'Willie, that's a silly thing to say, so don't use that word again.'
"He promised that he wouldn't, but about a week later he said, 'damn'. He knew I'd heard him, and before I could do or say anything, he said, as though he were really surprised at himself, 'What did I say?'
"Willie and Robert adore each other, but they rough-house like crazy. I tell them, 'Unless someone is bleeding, don't yell for me'."
Pictures of her children rest on the roll-top desk in Elizabeth's dressing room, while a picture near the door is proof of her love for animals.
It's a pen-and-ink drawing of an owl, a gift from a Mexican artist who is a fan. The owl is a rare bird. His eyes are human, while almost every feather spells the name of a character in "Bewitched."
Elizabeth's fondness for animals was also evidenced in the needlepoint pillow top she worked for Paul Lynde as a Christmas gift. Its motif was a portrait of Lynde's dog.
She's made a number of needlepoint pillows and now has progressed to a rug, which has become almost too much of a challenge.
"It takes so long," she wailed, "that I get tired of it and put it aside. I don't know when I'll ever finish it."
With her caramel hair, tilted nose and trim figure, Elizabeth has managed to keep a fresh and youthful look despite five and a half years of the long hours and self-discipline a top television series demands.
Yet, regardless of her commitment to the show, the quality of her private life is always her first concern.
"When children grow up with love and around love," she says, "they have the best background a parent can give them.
"They want the security of a family's love. Why, even the young people in communes are seeking some sort of family life."
Elizabeth speaks ardently of the importance of progress and the virtue of "growing with the world in which you live."
Then, with a twinkle, she refutes herself.
'Someone asked me," she says, "whether I'm a bigot.
"I said, 'No, I'm not against anything except progress.'
"I don't mean that exactly as it sounds, but when you look at the serenity and beauty of a Currier and Ives print, you sort of want to go back, don't you?"
Long-running series have hardened, toughened, and worn others out, but Liz keeps her bounce and her enthusiasm for the show. At this point, she'd be willing to continue indefinitely as Samanta since her professinal and private lives are blending so famously.