Why Should Being A Christian Always Be So Serious?

These jokes are the bomb!!!

If you have any good jokes, please e-mail them to me. Just keep them clean.

Louisiana Man in Hell

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the farmer is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's happy now. The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees and no humidity. "Let's see what the farmer has to say about this."
The Devil looks around and finds the farmer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "THE SAINTS HAVE FINALLY WON THE SUPER BOWL!"

Barney Is Satan!

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Prove: Barney is Satanic
The Romans had no letter 'U' and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation for Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Extracting the Roman numerals, we have: C V V L D I V
Decimal Equivalents are: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Adding those numbers produces: 666
666 is the number of the beast.
Therefore, Barney is SATAN.

Hell is Gay

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

Spelling and Pronounciation

A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Be Careful What You Pray For

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."
The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically...and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

That's Retarded

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked they got it fixed because it is allright now. They play games and exercises there but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with there hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out.

Satan Goes to Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, all the people in tiny Smithville wake up early and go to their local church. Before the service starts, the towns-people sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc... Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears. They all start screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
"And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Would You Believe What The Sunday School Teacher Said?

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Dancing Party

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'

Are You An Idiot? Take The Test

How smart are you really?
Take the Idiot Test and find out.

THE IDIOT TEST
Scoring guide:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

****************** Questions ****************

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's     sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's     sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same     number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have     southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the     bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you     have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a     nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where     there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning     stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every     half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he     weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.

Drive Me Away Pope

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope proceeded to hop on 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he got to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, said "Just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." The chief replied, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied, "No, even more important." "It isn't the President is it?" "No, more important," replied the trooper. "Well WHO is it!" screamed the chief.
"I don't know," said the trooper. "but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Death of Service

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Subtitles (Yes, they're real)

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. * Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.     I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and     leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
* You daring lousy guy.
* Beat him out of recognizable shape!
* Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short     rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for     a thorough extermination.
* I have been scared silly too much lately.
* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
* How can you use my intestines as a gift?
* Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a     team up together and go into the country to inflict the     pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard     person.
* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice     chicken.

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