GIRTH SUX
A story by Nicholas H. Kaplan

Nicholas H. Kaplan

HAY GUYZ OK SO HERES THA THING AT FIRST GIRHT SEEMED LIKE A REAL NICE GUY U MKNOW LIKE HE WUZ REAL KEWL & SHIT & JUST SO FUCKIN FUNNY & STUFF BUT IT ALL PRETTY MUCH WENT 2 HELL IN A FUCKIN H&BASKET WHICH IS SAD CUZ WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME TOGETHERZ U NO.

FIRS THTINGS FIRST: I MET GIRHT IN 1994 JUST AFTER HE CAME FROM IOWA 2 L.A. 4 THA FIRST TIME RIGHT? SO HE WUZ ALL STUPID & SHIT LIKE HE DIDN"T NO STUFF ABOUT THA WORLD & L.A. & STUFF & HE REALLY TRUSTED US 2 EACH THIM SO WE DID I MEAN I TAUGHT HIM LIKE HOW 2 SPOT PICKPOCKETS & SHIT I GUESS THAY DONT" HAVE THOSE IN CEDAR RAPISD LOSLLOLOL. SO I THOUGHT HE WUZ KEWL JUST LIKE I KNEW HIM FROM SEEING HIM AT THESE CLUBS & AT THIS COFFEE SHOP IN SANTA MONICA WHERE I GUESS HE WORKED 4 AWHILE RIGHT AFTER HE GOT HE SO THAT"S KEWL & THAN ONE DAY HE"S LIKE "HEY MAN WANNA START A BAND?" & I"M LIKE I DUNNO MAN DO U NO ANYTHING ABOUT LIKE WRITIN SONGS & SHIT CUZ I DIDN"T WANNA BE I NO COVER BAND SO HE"S LIKE "SHIT YEAH MAN I BEEN WRITIN SONGS 4 YEARS & I WANS TIN TGHIS BAND BACVK HOME & WE"D BLOW THA FUCKIN ASSES OFF THESE FUCKIN MOTHERCVUER" SOS I WUZ LIKE KEWL I"LL BE IN UR FUCKIN BAND.

I AIN"T GONNA LIE & SAY HE WUZN"T AN ASSHOLE CUZ HE TOTALLY WUZ ALMOST ALL THA TIME & SHIT I MEAN HE JUSTR HAS OSME EGO PROBLEMS RIGHT. HES A KEWL GUY THO & THA SONGS HE HAD TOTALLY BLEW ME THA FUCK AWAY & HE PRETTY FDAST PUT TOGETHER THIS WHOLE BAND RIGHT AWAY WITH ME & JAM & MIKEY & TOMMY & WE FUCKIN ROCKEDD THA FUCKIN HOUSE JUST LIKE HE SAID WE WOULD. WE STARTED PL,AYIN IN CLUBS AROUND THA SUNSET STRIP & IN L.A. & SHIT & WE GOT AS LITTLE RECOGNITION ADEVENOTUALLY WE GOT 2 PLAY THESE GIGS WEEKLY AT THRWHISKY-AGOGO IN L.A. ON THA SUNSET ISTRIP SO IUT WUZ SO FUCKIN KEWL I MEAN EWE GOT THIS FUCKIN PERMANENT GIG & THAN WE"D TAKE TIME OFF 2 CUT AN ALBUM OR GO ON A TOUR OR SOMETHING BUT WE ALWYAS HAD A HOME & SHIT FUCK YEAH!

WHEN HE WENT 2 PRISON IT SUCKED U NO I MEAN I KNEW HE DIDN"T DO IT & IT TOALLTY SUCKED THAT HE WENT 2 JAIL & SHIT 4 SOI LONG & THAN TOMMY DITCHED THA BAND & SHIT & EVERYTHING JUST SEEMED 2 BE FUCKED & SHIT I HATED IT BUT THAN GIRTH GOT OUT & SHIT WE DID ANOTHER ALBUM & THAN DID THIS TOUR & IT WUZ FUCKIN COOL & A MOVIE & THAN FINALLY HE FUCKIN DITCHED US & WE GOT FUCKED & HE FIRED US & NOW I"M IN THIS FUCKIN BAND CALLED THA FELT TIPS & WE FUCKIN ROCK BUT IT FUCKIN SUX CUZ I LIKED THINGS THAY WAY THAY WERE NO WHAT I MEAN I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN WE WRE AL TOGEHTER U NO LIKE A FAMILY ALMOST IT WUZ FUCKIN COOL & NOW WE"RE NOT & I"M WITH THA FELT TIPS SO THAT FUCKIN KINDA SUX SHIT U NO

I NEVER LIKED MARGO SHE SEEEMD LIKE KINDA BITCH EVCEN THO SHE WUZ TOTALLY FUCKIN HOT. I THIN K SHE"S BAD 4 GIRTH & I HOPE THAY GET DIVORCED SHE SUX FUCK HER I WISH I CULD LOLOL HAHA.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: You might have noticed that, at no time during Nicky's story do I correct his capitalization, punctuation, or diction. Unlike the other stories, all of which have been rewritten heavily while trying to maintain the overall flavor of the author's voice, I've preserved Nicky's original text because somehow, everything he writes is poetry. I can't bring myself to change what he's written.]