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What is a Victim?
We are being victimized whenever we find ourselves out of control of our lives. The key word here is CONTROL. If we are not pulling the strings, then someone else is. We are being manipulated by someone or something else. Victims are people who run their lives according to what others dictate. Victims usually operate from weakness; Survivors usually operate from strength.
What is Freedom?
Freedom means that you can rule your own life as you choose. Being free does not mean denying your responsibilities. We can be responsible and free. Freedom is something we must insist upon. We choose freedom for ourselves when we begin to develop a whole system of non-victim attitudes and behaviors in virtually every moment of our lives.
Getting Out of Our Victim Habits
As children, our strings were being pulled constantly. At the time, it was basically necessary (this does not include abusive behavior). This is because we were incapable of making big decisions ourselves. As adults, many of us still carry a lot of left-over habits from our childhoods. This sets us up as easy victims now. Getting out of our victim traps involves developing new habits. We learn healthy habits the same way we learn unhealthy ones,through practice. Note: first we have to get out of the abusive and/or controlling situation(s) we are in.
There are 4 steps in eliminating victim traps in which we are held and controlled by others:
1. Learning how to size up our life situations.
2. Developing a strong set of non-victim expectations and attitudes.
3. Becoming aware of the kinds of victimization in our lives and in our culture.
4. Creating a set of principles which will guide us to detailed strategies to keep us from becoming a victim again.
Sizing Up Your Life Situations
This means being alert and developing a new kind of intelligence which keeps us from being victimized. Effective "sizing-up" is crucial if we are to avoid circumstances which trap us into self-forfeiting actions. Sizing up life situations means not only keeping your eyes open, but also having a set of plans and carefully carrying them out.
Non-Victim Expectations
Generally speaking, we will become what we expect to become. Therefore, we will only become a non-victim when we stop expecting to be a victim.
Victimizers
Other than abuse in our lives, we learn to give up our freedom in many other ways.
By family obligations:
Being forced to
visit relatives (whether physically or by guilt); to have to chauffer people around; to suffer nagging parents, children, in-laws, angry relatives; to pick up after everyone else; not to be respected or appreciated by other family members; to have no privacy because of family expectations; etc.
By Society/Culture:
The belief that males are superior. The belief that females are to be meek and mild. And when certain people take the Bible out of context, it appears that abusive behavior is right and even necessary. Not true!
Strategies to Keep From Becoming a Victim Again
We need to look for the warning signs. Make a list of the abusive people and the non-abusive people in your life. Put each name at the top of a separate piece of paper. Do the following for one person per day.
Write anything that comes to mind about that person. What were this person's characteristics? How did this person treat you? What was this person's outlook/beliefs? How did this person treat others? What did this person think about himself/herself? Anything and everything that comes to mind. If you need more than one page, go for it.
After you have done this for everyone that made an impact on your life (positive or negative). If possible, take this to your therapist or a supportive friend. Now compare these. What do you see? What are the patterns? This can be a very enlightening exercise.
For me it validated what I already thought, but also showed me more. I learned that all of the abusive people in my life (no matter what the relationship), were all the same. I also learned signs for me in particular to watch out for, too.
Written by Lynnae - creator of Surviving Together
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