the shape of a man walks through me, his shadow cast against the foreboding moonlight. the essence of his scent still lingers on my icy skin, inside i can still feel him; moving. yet i am alone, suffocating in the silence, unfeeling of the silken touch of others. maniacal laughter pervades the room. i am frightened. breathe it in, erasing lines that point to my escape. i dream of a place where i can see the sun and feel it's warmth, where i am broken open and shown that there is a piece of paradise in me, a place to open my closed mouth and take back the pain i have given myself, to feed the starving anger, where my eyes are sewn shut, oblivious to the distortion my mind creates, that keeps me from holding an outstretched hand. i shudder as my journey releases me into a fit of chills. falling, i am cold, alone. forced back into the agonizing joy of emptiness, i witness what i have become; and i see the hurt and i experience the pain, falling down on my knees in the place of my shame, to expel what i cannot confine inside. mud colored spots appear on my chest, a reminder of my demise. a crystal tear falls from my broken face, a remnant of deceased beauty, dropping onto my naked, quivering body creating a ripple which continues to shake the foundation of my soul. a tear that spans all distance and time, hiding on the darkest corner of the blackest night, held by the dancing man. his hands make my body move to his rhythmic beat, and i cry softly. i scream inwardly to mute ears. i stare at the colors of his love scattered across my flesh; as if a dog marked his territory on my body. the inner bruises momentarily leak to the surface, exposing the deformity that spreads with each silent day. 'Baby doll, I love you, Forgive me' again i am coerced into subservience. and i cry softly. i am broken. blurred through my tears, detached, i watch my innocence being tenderly ripped away. disjoined, i sing softly that jesus loves me. the past dictates my despondent future, never leaving, no beginning and no end, only intervals where it rests and waits to strike me down, and laugh at my attempts to fill the void it created. i have been broken. ashamed and empty, i shrink into myself, alone in the darkness, i whisper my secrets to the wind and now i cry the tears that others cannot shed and pray someday, someone will shed mine. my soul is empty, something that maybe never existed; floating in and out like an uncertain cloud, forming then dissipating, nothing to grasp in the land of broken dreams. and if you care to look, that is where you will find me, motionless, moving in circles, hopelessly searching for the sun that is missing from my sky.
motionless and cold i lie here in front of you skin, once pale and smooth discolored and rough a leather for you to sharpen your blade up and down, feel the sting turn the razorbroken wing back and forth, make it burn making your own design each time i can take more dig it deeper, watch blood crawl little girl, broken angel FALL FALL FALL down my sides, bloody tears watch me tremble, add the years leave me as nothing, pick me up wash me off, can't erase the stain little girl, broken angel nothing but pain
He comes to me in the middle of the night and takes me as a child. Flying high above the rooms below, no one can hear my cries for help. They just sit there and wonder what is wrong with me.
AS I LAY HERE AT NIGHT I CAN HEAR CRIES OF PAIN ASKING FOR HELP. BUT NO ONE BUT ME HEARS THEM. AFTER THINKING FOR AWHILE OF WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP THEM, I REALIZE THAT I CANNOT HELP. TEARS FALL FROM MY EYES AS I LAY HERE KNOWING THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO. ONLY BECAUSE I AM TOO ONE OF THOSE CRIES OF PAIN THAT I HEAR AT NIGHT.
The Child Within
As a child you were let down.
No one was around to care.
Take comfort dear,dear child.
I'm here for you now.
You are a part of me I never knew,
Never wanted to know.
I know how you hurt,
so clear and deep.
That I can't take way.
As you can't take mine.
We can learn from each other,
Things we never dared imagine.
We can feel okay, or not so great.
We can laugh and cry when we want to.
No one can tell us we're wrong,
For if we feel....when we feel....
We know we've survived the worst.
So much pain has seperated us,
If only we can mend the rip....
We can grow together,
And....
Just maybe.....
We can forgive each other.
take my very breath from me encourage the screams and bruises a slap stops my silent tears rage builds, i cry for forgiveness someday i'll get you to stop. alter my body to your every need reach my soul with your penetration embrace my rigid body, make it hurt. fornication of my mind, appreciation of the pain lasting scars on your ugly baby doll left behind is your reminder to me that i am nothing into your hell i fall until i am burned alive; never showing my tears, my aches, my desires. give your anger to me. dejectedly i endure your love for the last time overcome by your power i abandon all hope. waive my rights to life and i become nothing, all i was and all i will ever be.
I don't remember being a child Should I? I ask myself Frequently I remember being So many things But I don't remember being Carefree Young Innocent Relaxed Occasionally... I act young Sometimes... With my friends Playing on the playground But inside I feel different I don't think I could ever express it I don't think others could - Understand me I don't think they have ever - Experienced What I have had to I am a little woman I am only ten years old I am this because he loves me That is what I am told Sometimes... I almost forget What I am supposed to be For him He reminds me of it With a look A funny smirk A stare, intense Expressionless Lust Eyes wide open He looks for me He finds me I am his little woman I am only ten years old I am this because he loves me I do what I am told I believe this myself - Much of the time I am told by him that it is An attribute Something to be proud of Something to be Admired for But to me it feels like Pain Hurt Confusion Sadness I lost something I lost my childhood But... He tells me I am good He tells me it is okay He tells me that I should do this That he will be there for me To love me The only reason I believe him Is because I have to If I don't convince myself That he knows what he is talking about Then I will feel the truth The truth that he is using me That he is abusing me That what he is doing Will hurt me for years to come I am his little woman I am only ten years old I am this because he loves me I have to believe what I am told I have to be an actress Playing many different roles Switching from minute to minute One for my family One for my friends One for him But what do I want to be? That doesn't matter I have to play my parts On queue Or I will lose my love That is all I have You see I have no choice What choice could there be? So I do the best that I can In each role that I play Sometimes... I feel proud of myself To a degree I can be so convincing No one knows the whole truth I am different personalities - With my firends Fun and out-going With my family In submission Smart, helpful, talented and intuitive For him Sexy, sultry, ready to obey Enjoying his touches Stimulating him sexually and emotionally Being and doing everything He tells me to do Then the finishing touch I convince him That I want this Because... I am his little woman I am only ten years old I am this because he loves me I want to believe what I am told Looking back today I am appalled at what I find A lost childhood Never to be relived Him Gone from my life I am forgotten The love promised by him Over and over Lost somewhere along the line Although I tried to reclaim it When I was 13 He rejected me sternly Told me I wasn't old enough! What?! I thought and felt - so deeply Don't you know? I am your little woman I am now 13 years old I am this because you love me I believed what I was told! Battered and bruised Emotionally Sexually I went on with my life Hoping that someday I would understand Would know what happened Would figure out Why? Why was I not old enough? After all I had done? All I had become? How could I not be his little woman? It was all so confusing Hurtful To me I was his little woman Now inside me she grieves She hopes someday he will see the hurt That he left her with - That she has had to deal with herself Alone To handle like the little woman That he created her To be.
While watching a movie seeing a "dad" being a "real dad" to his 5-year-old daughter, I ache inside. I recognize I never had this, Though I told myself, and other things, that He really did. That was fantasy. I guess this is one of the "holes" my therapist says "is just a hole". It can never be filled, really. It just is. The hole, one of many must be accepted. But it hurts. Bad. I want the hurt to stop. I can change the thoughts, I can feel my feelings. I can speak out. But the Hurt is still there in the reminders. The violation was so huge, so tremendous. It ruined the father/daughter relationship with that first evil touch. From that moment on, the "me" lived those effects, the twisted reality for long years. The hole was patched over, walked around, denied. Yet, there it was--- the huge hole that I could FEEL in my Soul. The one from which words flowed in poetry, still avoiding Truth, but Truth was there all the same. The hole, the wound, I ask, "Will it ever heal?" So I grieve and tire of grieving. I "do" to not think, and "think" to not "do", and rest in between and grieve. I write. To get out of me, to feel. Grieving does not end, I am finding after many long years. It still comes again like an old friend you never forget. Some griefs are harder to handle than others and cannot be measured except in the heart of the owner. I see a "father" being a "real father" to his daughter, and I cry knowing I never had that, and the hole that is left, is a Hole I need to Accept.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to Life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
11. You can remember it whenever you want.
Those of us who have lost loved ones have learned in our sorrow that we pay an enormous price for love when it ceases to flow. We pay in the coin of grief, longing, yearning, missing. It hurts so much, doesn't it?
The bitter truth is that every love story has an unhappy ending, and the greater the love the greater the unhappiness when it ends. Whenever we love someone, we give a hostage to fortune. Whenever we permit someone to become very dear to us, we become vulnerable to disappointment and heartbreak.
What, then is our choice? Never permit ourselves to love anyone? Never permit anyone to matter to us? To deny ourselves the greatest of all God-given joys?
If loving is expensive, being unloved and unloving costs even more. I believe that even in our grief we can still agree with the sentiment of a contemporary writer: "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
And one more consideration can be mentioned. If some fairy angel came to us in our deepest sorrow and offered to remove all our pain and all of our longing, but with them would also remove all our memories of the years and the adventures we share, would we agree to the bargain? Or would we consider those memories so precious, so infinitely dear, that we would hug them close to our hearts and refuse to purchase instant relief by surrendering them?
An ancient Greek legend gives a clue to the choice we would probably make. It tells of a woman who came down to the River Styx, where Charon, the gentle ferryman, stood ready to take her to the region of the departed spirits. Charon reminded her that it was her privilge to drink of the waters of Lethe and that, if she did so, she would completely forget all that she was leaving behind.
Eagerly she said, "I will forget how I have suffered." "But remember, you will also forget how you have rejoiced." Then the woman said, "I will forget my failures." The old ferryman added, "And also your victories." Again, the woman said, "I will forget how I have been hurt." "You will also forget," Countered Charon, "how you have been loved."
The woman then paused to think the whole matter over, and the story concludes by telling us that she did not drink the waters of Lethe, preferring to hold on to the memory even of her suffering and her sorrow rather than surrender the remembrances of life's joys and loves.
An old Yiddish proverb consoles us in our suffering by reminding us: "Not to have had pain is not to have been human." The pain passes, the memories remain; loved ones leave us, but having had loved ones endures. And we are so much richer and so much enlarged for having paid the high cost of loving.
Blue eyes with long lashes Freckles and fair skin Blond hair and round faced But what was within? A young girl with so much to give To learn, to hope Did anyone look beyond those eyes? Nope. Mature for her age Shy but sweet Little did you realize the life she endured She needed a father figure to make her feel complete. She looked to you As you may have assumed? But did you take advantage of her neediness? Leaving her to feel doomed? A life of betrayal Being used for pleasure No one ever thought about what she needed Why? She thought "maybe if I would just be better?" Blue eyes - did you think that they asked for what you did? Enjoyed you inappropriate touch? Isn't that a convenient way to think - Keeps your guilt from becoming overmuch. The sadness within - the blue eyes cry Try to make the pain go away But this pain is so confusing - Deep rooted and difficult to convey. Do you care? Not if it involves admitting guilt That might make you realize you need to change Your life course has already been built. Yet somehow - blue eyes still hoped "Maybe this time he'll really love me? Maybe he will see my pain?" That would never be. So blue eyes grew up Memories safely stored away She moved on, built a new life - But yesterday's affect today. For blue eyes to see clearly - To look within self To see the good person she is - She must take this book back off the shelf. It's difficult to read Depressing but true Although she'd like to forget the past She must think about you. Put the situation in perspective See it clearly for what it was A young girl with blue eyes Who needed love - just because! A need so deep She carries it throughout her life How difficult it is for her! She tries so hard to be a loving mother and wife! Because of your actions - Your lack of self-control You harmed her! As if you plunged a knife deep in her soul. Yet a knife wound would be better Than what you have left her with Now she fears affection - A gentle touch can turn her body stiff. A knife wound would receive treatment Acknowledgement - and would be bound up Emotional wounds - Mentally will distrupt. Why do blue eyes seek to find Consideration from someone with a sick mind? It is all related to The situation you created. Blue eyes are weary - Will you ever understand the pain you have caused? I'm still alive - striving to improve I deserve from all applause. You could have loved my blue eyes Cherished my frecked face Protected me from harm Helped me to realize that the world is a somewhat Safe place. But you threw all that aside For moments of pleasure Now I must endure a life - Shame marked on my every endeavor. Though older in years A little girl with blue eyes still cries Asking plaintively "Why, why, why..?" She's learning slowly To put the anger and blame where it belongs Not on the little girl with blue eyes But on the teacher who was wrong. With help from Jehovah She will learn to see A kingdom of justice Where she will be set free. The little girl with blue eyes Eagerly awaits that day For only on Jehovah can she rely To not cause her dismay. Until that day comes Blue eyes will wait patiently For removal of all those wicked at heart When all will be judged righteously.
Come to me my inner child Come to me and not be afraid I won't ignore you or pretend that you will go away Come, Let me hold your hand and just sit for a moment in the sand I am afraid to let you speak... You hold all the pain and memories Over the years, I've felt you tugging and screaming for my attention I'm sorry I gave you no direction You scream and pout- You are wanting me to let you out! I am ready, this I promise- to listen and feel and not wish that I could make you disappear Pain... I am ready to endure because I can't ignore you no more.... I brace myself and remind myself that you are me, just a part that won't let me be Without you my little one, I now realize that I am not one.... So come to me now, I promise to love you and not abuse you no more..... To cut you out of my life and replace you with this wall would be wrong for all I will give you what we lacked... I promise I will do just that But oh, little one, promise to let the memories out slowly... Promise me you will never go away, because we are here to stay I know once you release all, I will be whole again and standing tall.
There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
Once I was a prisoner Lost inside myself With the world surrounding me Wandering through the mysery But now I am free... You gave me a breath of life Unclouded my eyes With sweet serenity Lighting a ray of hope for me... And now I am free... Free to live Free to laugh Free to soar Free to shine Free to give Free to love Free enough to fly Once I was all so alone Unsteady and cold But your love rained down upon me Washing away uncertainty But now I am free
Here comes the night No more living in the shadow of your love This is my life You always tried so hard to keep me down But now I'll rise above Those empty lies Stop pretending that my accusations Take you by surprise I've realized Now I'm ending all the secrecy I see through your disguise No longer blind I can focus on deception Used to keep me by your side I read your mind Don't believe it's all a mystery There's nothing you can tell me now To change the way I feel inside All the dreams we planned I believed so I held on I understand So when the morning comes You know that I'll be gone You don't think that I'll be strong enough I won't be a prisoner of your love I'm just not the girl you thought I was I won't be a prisoner of your love