As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we have often had to hold in our feelings and our secrets for a long time. A part of the healing process for us is to be able to talk freely about it now. One of the best ways for you to be supportive is to listen to us. Careful listening can also provide you with important insights about what we are going through.
Your role is not to rescue or give advise. We just want you to be there for us, to listen. We need to know that the people closest to us are on our side. One of the most damaging things that can happen to a survivor is not to be believed. Also, do not minimize the extent of the trauma. If anything, survivors minimize what happened, how much it hurt us, and how bad we feel about it.
It is very important that you do not blame us. Implying or saying that we were responsible and/or asking for it in some way can be extremely damaging. This will only reinforce an already intense feeling of irrational guilt and sense of worthlessness.
Instead, you can start to understand what we have been through by reading about childhood sexual abuse, talking with other survivors/partners/parents, join a support group (see the Surviving Together live chat and email support groups), and consult a therapist. We have to work through some very powerful feelings, including anger. The more you understand, the better off your relationship will be. This also helps you understand when the anger and other feelings are because of the here and now or are because of the abuse. We all have unresolved issues of some sort. This includes non-survivors, too. Working through them, helps us in as many ways. Almost all of our problems and "character flaws" (like low self-esteem and co-dependency) can be improved or resolved, if we work through our issues. Yes, it is scary sometimes, but it is so much worth it. Basically, we have two options: We can deal with the pain and work through our issues, or we can live with the pain for the rest of our lives. If we push down our feelings, they will come out when we least expect it and often in very destructive ways.
We may also get extremely upset over something that seems small or non-existant. This usually means that we have been "triggered". We can be triggered by a scent, sound, comment, or just anything. Some triggers do not completely go away, but we learn how to deal with them effectively and in more healthy ways. It is best if you just listen and be supportive. Do not keep asking "Why?", and please, do not minimize our feelings. It feels like a huge deal to us when we are triggered, and it is.
You will need to learn self-care techniques along with us. This is so you do not end up putting all your needs aside and focusing only on what we need. It is natural for you toget tired of listening to a continuous flow of feelings. Do not expect yourself to be able to "be there" all the time. Also, do not hold back from talking about your problems. Seek out friends who can "be there" for you, too.
Understand that our difficulties with sex come from the abuse. They are not a reflection of our feelings towards you, and they will not last forever. Keep in mind why we have difficulty with sexuality and trust. If you continually push us to meet your needs, you will only be setting yourself up for rejection. Keep the lines of communication open. State your needs in a clear and nonpressuring way. Try expressing your desire for intimacy and closeness along with your sexual needs. Let us lead the way and decide what happens. It may just be a massage, cuddling, kissing, or talking. It is much better to do a little and enjoy it a lot, than to do a lot and enjoy none of it!
Lynnae --- Survivor and creator of Surviving Together