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Become Informed
Gather all of the information you can about domestic violence. Contact your local domestic violence hotline or program and talk to the staff about your concerns. If you do not know the phone number, check out the
Hotline Numbers
or call 1-800-333-SAFE (7233). They can give you the number you need. Battered women's advocates can be an excellant source of support for both you and your friend. The net is also such an awesome source of information. Most of these programs also help males. Unfortunately, not all can provide shelter for males. This is often because women in shelters are often afraid of anyone of the opposite sex (especially at this time in their lives and ones they do not know). As I am sure, so are males. Unfortunately, another all-to-common reason is because a lot of people do not understand that men are sometimes battered, too. In my work as a victims' advocate, I helped both men and women. There are a lot fewer men who are battered that come forward, but that does not mean that it does not happen. Just do not give up. There are other ways. Your best bet, I believe, is to contact the number above, and tell them your situation.
Lend a Sympathetic Ear
Letting your friend know that you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Do not force the issue. Allow your friend to confide in you at your friend's own pace. Keep your mind open and really listen to what he/she tells you. Never blame your friend for what is happening or underestimate his/her fear of potential danger. Remember that your friend must make his/her own decisions about his/her life. Focus on supporting your friend's right to make his/her own choices.
Guide Your Friend to Community Services
When your friend asks for advice, share the information you have gathered with him/her privately. Let your friend know that he/she is not alone and that caring people are available to help. Encourage your friend to seek the assistance of battered women's advocates at the local domestic violence hotline or program. Assure him/her that any information he/she shares with them will be kept strictly confidential. Many battered women/men first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or members of clergy. Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused women/men. It is best to seek advice from someone who deals with domestic violence. If the first person your friend contacts is not helpful, he/she should be encouraged to find assistance elsewhere.
Focus on Your Friend's Strengths
Battered women/men live with emotional as well as physical abuse. Your friend is probably continually told by the abuser that he/she is a bad person, a bad wife/husband, and a bad mother/father, etc. Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, he/she may begin to believe he/she cannot do anything right; that there really is something wrong with him/her. Give your friend the emotional support he/she needs to believe that he/she is a good person. Help your friend to examine his/her strengths and skills. Emphasize that he/she deserves a life that is free from violence.
Be a Friend in Deed
Tell your friend that you are there for him/her when he/she needs you. Provide whatever you can: transportation, child care, financial assistance, etc.
Confront Your Friend With the Danger
At some point, you may find it difficult to be supportive of your friend if he/she remains in the violent relationship or returns to the abuser after a temporary separation. Let him/her know that not everyone lives with abuse. Be willing to confront him/her with the physical and emotional harm that his/her children will suffer if he/she stays. Help your friend face up to the dangerous reality of living with an abusive partner. Remind him/her that even a push or a shove can result in serious injury.
Help Your Friend Develop a Safety Plan
Encourage your friend to develop a plan to protect himself/herself and his/her children. Help your friend think through the steps she should take if his/her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people he/she can call in an emergency. Suggest that your friend put together and hide a suitcase (or even a garbage bag) of clothing, personal items, money, social security cards, bank notes, car title, bank notes, the children's birth certificates and school records, and other important documents.
Also check out
Preparing To Leave
This was taken and adapted for this page from the SDCADVSA, June 1989 Newsletter
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