bjork
If you passed me on the street, you'd never know me for what I am: a War Machine. A human turned into a cyborg, made with the most advanced technology a thousand civilizations can offer, built to defend the Nexus of Realities, the Gateway to an Infinite Number of Alternate Universes, the Focal Point of All Creation: The Sears Auto Center.
AUTO stood for Alternate Universe Termination Organization. When one reality threatens the existence of them all, we deal with the problem. And taking prisoners just ain't our style.
This time, it looked like the Big One. We needed help, and I needed to find the only one who could supply it: They call him The Most Dangerous Man in the Multiverse.
He found me first.
"Hey, buddy! Need a lift to the Sears Auto Center?"
That threw me. It was rumored he was an embittered genius, but we were the most closely guarded secret in all the Realities!
I took a second to size him up. Eyes like gunsights. A vicious slash of a mouth. An Escort with a coat-hanger antenna.
Clever, I thought. Who would suspect that this was the deadliest warrior ever known? I decided to be as bold as he. "You must be Nabisco."
"Why, do I look like a Dubl-Stuff Oreo?" he snapped. "S--I--S--T--O! Sisto is my name-o!"
"Forgive me. I was told--"
"It's not even close! Do you go to Stop & Shop looking for Bisquick, and ask the guy," he switched a mocking, whiny voice, "Oh, Mr Grocery Guy! I need flour! Do you have
Biz Markie?"
I knew any second he could end my life, and all hope for all Realities. I spoke quickly. "They call you The Most Dangerous Man in the Multiverse."
"Well, I don't know. I think my standing slumped a bit. I had this perfect chance to be Evil, cause there was this puppy, and I coulda kicked him into next week, but he wagged his tail and was so cute I just went, "AAAWWW!" and gave him some kibble. Ate the bits myself. But some other Super Villains were watchin, and they've been razzin me a lot, so I don't know, I think I'm probably down to Third Most Dangerous."
Good enough, I thought, me being only 26th Most Dangerous. 'We need your--"
"I did shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."
"The Multiverse--"
"And I don't recommend that to anyone! It's not a pretty sight! He was yellin and swearin, and I said 'Yer sure takin yer own sweet time dyin! It's not like I got all day here to watch!' And he really got mad, and he beat the crap outta me! Even though I shot him 3 times!" He held up his weapon. It was a staple gun.
I pointed at the bandage wrapped around his head. "Is that how that happened?"
"No, my blow dryer broke, so I stuck my head in the microwave and thought, 5 minutes on defrost should do it. Plumb forgot you shouldn't put metal in a microwave, an there's me with that old steel plate in my skull!"
"The Multiverse is in peril! You've heard of the Tsunguska Event, when in 1908 a comet hit Siberia with a force of 15 megatons? In one reality, it landed instead in the center of New York City, wiping out the whole East Coast. As it always does, this fluke of history caused an evil dictatorship to conquer the world!"
"You talkin MTV or Wal-Mart?"
"No, Iceland, believe it or not. Can't say we saw that one coming. Now all Creation is threatened by the evil Empress Bjork!"
"Ohhh, THAT Universe," Sisto said sheepishly. "That was kinda my fault..."
"Your--"
"I was in Sears this one time, and there was a door that said 'Employees Only,' and I said 'Hey! I had a job once!' and went in--"
Damn! I thought. We gotta hide that Vortex better!
"--And you know, other Universe, blah blah blah, and I said 'I'd sure like to go see that comet!' So I go up there in my spaceship, and I'm tuning the radio while talkin on a cell phone while drinkin a Big Gulp and my cigarette falls in my lap, and my pants are on fire, and while I'm puttin it out, I hit the comet, and I guess it just didn't go where it shoulda."
"You mean--"
"Yep. Sisto took out Manhattan. Tried to be real careful when I went up to follow Hale-Bopp, but then some Nosy Nellie takes a photo of me and plasters it all over the Internet--"
"Shut up!!" I pulled up my shirt and began typing on my laptop (being a cyborg, it's built into the top of my lap). "Waitaminnit! The Most Dangerous Man in the Multiverse IS named Nabisco! Sisto is the Multiverse's Man Most likely to be a Danger to HIMSELF!"
"WA--HOOO!" he yelped. "Wait'll big brother Brak hears this! He'll be green with ivy!"
I walked away in disgust.
"HEY! Ain't we gonna go save the Multiplex together?"
"You moron!" I screamed. "Go to hell!"
Sisto shook his head. "Been there. Didn't like it. Smelled like someone ate too many eggs."
THE END
NOTE: In all other Realities, Bjork is a force for Goodness. And the evil empress is generally Cher.
