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The following is based on sworn testimony...
Seedy Tek got out of his car. It was midday at The Mall, and the heat of the parking lot was like showering in MacDonald's coffee. "Mmmm, coffee!" he thought. Gloria Jean's!
Then Fate arrived. In an old blue Escort.
A short, loud man yelled at him. "Hey, buddy! Give you a lift?"
"Ahh--no. I've got a car."
The man stepped from his Escort, carrying a pitchfork. He jabbed it into Seedy's tires.
PSSSSHHTTT!!!
"Hey, buddy! Give you a lift to the Sears Auto Center?"
"What the hell'd you do THAT for?!" screamed Seedy.
"FEAR me, mortal! For I am--SATAN!!"
"YOU are an ASSHOLE!" Seedy seethed as he moved closer.
"Of course I am! I'm SATAN, ain't I?"
"And what do you base that on?"
"Wellll....I gotta pitchfork!"
"So does Home Depot! What's that make them, Hell?!"
"Well, sure, yeah. Walkin up them aisles, lookin for the WD40, that could take--ETERNITY!"
"I'm calling the cops!" Seedy turned and marched towards The Mall.
"HEY! Give you a lift to the Sears Auto Center?"
Seedy turned and pointed 30 feet away. "Sears is right there!"
"Oh, no! Don't go in there! It's really not Sears--" He began using what Seedy assumed was his "spooky voice," "It's the gateway to another dimension--an alternate Universe of Terror, where a fluke of History caused an Evil Dictatorship to CONQUER THE WORLD!!"
"Stop yelling! Oh, and let me guess--the Nazis won World War II?"
"No. MTV won World War II. And now there's no escape from--THE SPICE GIRLS!!"
"And your proof is, what? A pitchfork bought in an Alternate Home Depot?"
"Course not! Alternate Home Depots only sell Spice Girls CDs! That and John Tesh. LOOK if you dare, weak mortal, at the WARNING branded upon my very chest!" He tore open his Tommy Hilfiger jacket, and Seedy read aloud the runes upon:
"My Grandma got sucked through an Interdimensional Vortex into an Alternate Reality and all I got was this Lousy T-Shirt."
"My Nana loves me!" he beamed.
"Goodbye." Seedy walked towards Sears, and very quickly.
"Wait! Mortal, let me show you my TRUE face--let me put on--MY MASK!"
Seedy gasped. "BRAK!"
"Yes, it is I, Br--DAMMIT! Why does everyone always say that! I'm his Evil Twin Brother!"
"SISKO!"
"Yes, it is--DAMMIT! That's Deep Space 9! SISTO! That's me. Yes, that radiation half lobotomised us both. But it took away Brak's right side of the brain, making him a lovable blockhead that chicks dig, while taking away the left side of my brain, making me an embittered genius!"
"Who has his '82 Escort's highbeams on at noon."
"Oh, yeah! Thanks! Probably should turn the wipers off, too."
"Who forgot to wear pants."
Sisto looked down. "Oh yeah. Family trait, I guess."
"Goodbye." Seedy walked to Sears and opened the door. A kaliedoscope of color distorted the fabric of Space and Time as he was sucked into the Interdimensional Vortex. He screamed, but no one could hear him--not over the throbbing, pulsating, soul-crushing sound of the Number One Hit "Wannabe"...
Sisto yelled, "Tell Nana I love her!"
