I hate being weak/Why am I so weak?/Maybe if I wasn’t so weak you would love me/
Is that what I must do?/Not be weak in your arms?/Or should I collapse half-way.../

"You're near, that moment's here
I'm almost in your arms
Tonight, the mood is right
I'm almost in your arms
One sigh, one word
and I Will rush to your embrace
Say that certain word,sigh that certain sigh
And with all my heart,
to your arms I'll fly
It's strange,how we are changed
I’m almost in your arms to stay
I’m fumbling towards that ecstasy... in a dream"
~Sinead O’Connor

beat...beat...beat....

4.54. Now turned 5.03. Black sparks flutter over my eyes, giving me weak kisses and fleeing back into their dark alleys. Am I still on that hall carpet laying in my own blood gravy? A rub my russet face against something silken. Sheets. I am in my own bed. No. I’m not, I have no silken sheets. This room smells of masculine musk that can only be described as one heavenly scent. A scent that lingers under my eyelids and nostrils. That one scent-a lure so strong to hook a fighting carp-that I have loved for two years, three months, one week, and two days. Squall Leonheart. I am in his bed.

I almost expect to wake up with his arm laying over me, kissing the back of my earlobe. Yet I find no one there. I decide to sit up. A big mistake. The blood (god, I was hoping it was him cum, at least) lurches inside my stomach, as if to repeat last nights horrible dilemma. Ignoring the feeling, I look inside the dimly lit dormitory. Squall and Zell (the thought of the name sends little pains jagging around my ribcage) are nuzzled next to each other on the wall, like the two beautiful storybook virgin lovers that they are. I rub my copper colored eyes, and prepare to sit up. It may take a little practice at first. As soon as my foot hits the carpeting, Squall’s eyes flutter awake. Zell soon follows muttering the words, "Love.... my love... Squall,"

I would be furious if I didn’t hurt so much. The blood in my stomach churns, and swirls as I stand up with my hand folded.

"Alec.... are you all right?" Squall says groggily, staying in the same position as he did in his sleeping state.

All right!? All right!? The memories flash back in my mind in little screams of agony.

"I’m fine," I say coldly.

He doesn’t realize I was being cold. The effects of sleep had yet to wear off.

"You passed out man," Zell said, "Squall brought you in here. We were gonna take you to the infirmary but it was closed,"

beat..... beat.... beat....

"Thanks," I say getting up. The pain comes like some ravenous animal, eating a little at first then returning to devour the rest. "I......,"

"Alec...... I never saw you so hurt in my life. It was like your soul was missing from your body," Squall says rather cryptically.

".....I don’t know....how...," I say rather dumbly. Each word becomes harder to say. My heart weighs heavier each breathing moment.

"Why do you think beat.....beat.... you passed out like that?" Zell asks, still rather plagued by his sleep.

"I had a heart murmur beat...beat...beat.... when I was born. I had Scarlet fever too, so it is almost like half of my heart doesn’t function. I must of over exerted myself last night," I sound out, trying to make it sound normal.

Squalls eyes widen, "Really? Oh my god...., I never knew,"

Zell began to look worried, "So.... If no one came.....,"

My eyes almost begin to tear up. I crouch on my knees away from the two damned lovers.

"Your beat..... right. beat.... I would of died," I said ashamed.

Squall and Zell remain rather petrified. "It’s never happened before?" Zell finally asks.

"Last night was the worst," I say truthfully.

"You could of.....died?" Squall says now completely worried.

"It’s not like it would of been a bad thing....," I mutter under my breath.

A tear starts dripping down my cheek again. The pain. The goddamn pain.

Squall. Zell. My broken heart. It was bad enough it was broken physically, but now emotionally too. Squall.... my loved....

"Alec.... I.... feel so guilty. I never found you beat..... beat.... beat.... until an hour or so. Me and Zell.... had a little talk about things last night," Squall said.

His words were cut out by each murmur my heart gave out. The heart beating hideously in my heaving chest. The blood to my brain was not functioning correctly. All I was registering was sadness and pain. All I had left.

"I see," I said dryly, surprisingly my voice did not waver.

"Alec....," Zell said almost worriedly, "We are....., lovers. I love Squall, so this means we are.... are.... are...,"

"Gay," I said again.

You and Squall are fucking gay. And are gay, fucking! No fucking shit, Zell. Like I couldn’t figure out what gay meant. Like I haven’t been gay all my life. Like I don’t feel anything. Like I never loved Squall before.

"Yes....," Squall said. I could almost hear him smile at Zell.

beat..beat...beat...beat

"I hope," Zell began, "That you won’t hold it against us. Your the first person I want to know about us, because your our friend. Please....don’t tell anyone,"

beat.beat.beat.beat.beat.beat.beat....

My hear hammers inside it’s cage. How goddamn fucking introverted of him. He only cares about his fucking reputation. OUR FRIEND. OUR GODDAMN FUCKING FRIEND. Our goddamn fucking friend Alec. My heart murmurs in pure rage at that one word.

"Alec.... I know it’s a shock," Squall said, "But....it feels so right,"

"And what we need right now," Zell said putting his muscular arm on my shoulder. The same muscular arm that hosts the hand that gets to touch Squall everywhere. "Is a good friend,"

beat...beat...beat....beat.... BOOM!

I slap his arm off my shoulder and turn around my two copper blood shot eyes fuming. They both look on in wonder and surprise.

"FRIEND!!!" I bellow at them BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!, "I’m not, nor have I ever been your FRIEND!!!"

The tears are coming now, "I’ve only been the neighboring dorm!! That’s all I ever will be!! If you want a fucking FRIEND you can tell anybody!! Selphie! Rinoa! Irvine! Anyone! You can even tell fucking Seifer!I I don’t care about you Zell...or your damn sex with Squall!!! Leave me out of it!!!" I say almost flying up out of position.

"Alec?" Squall says shocked and hurt.

My anger is surfacing. I fling my arm over my eyes and exit the small room.

I slam the door shut on the other side. I am standing in the middle of the hall in my black bed kimono. It is 6.01. beat....beat....beat.....beat..... My heart murmurs in my brain. Alec..... Alec..... Alec..... Alec.... You never thought you would ever.... with him?

"Alec!" Squall shouts from the other side of his door, "What’s wrong? Are you all right!!"

"Come on, man!" Zell chirps behind Squall, "Alec.... we need to talk,"

I close the same copper colored eyes and slump down in the hallway.

Squall comes out in the hallway and gazes into my eyes.

"Alec..... you just ran out of the room... without saying anything....,"

"I’m sorry Squall..... The pain... The goddamn pain...," I say hysterical with agony.

beat....beat....beat....

"You need to lie down," he says smiling, "I.... I’ll take you to your room,"

I must of thought it up. My heart was talking, but not my mouth. I must be really losing it. Squall slips his arm around waist and carries me into my dorm. I feel so comfortable in his arm, I bury my head into his wonderful chest and smell his cologne and leather. I’m pretty sure I’m crying now. Almost bawling.

"Alec....," he says soothingly, "Alec....,"

"Squall...," I say feeling him drop me onto my bed, "I’m such a bastard. Blowing up at you and Zell. It’s the pain talking...,"

He drops a washcloth into some cold water then applies it to my head.

"You’ve taken care of me, for so long," Squall says smiling, "Now it’s my turn. I can see why you enjoy this so much.... It’s kinda fun,"

"Squall.... where is Zell," I ask in pain.

"I sent him to the infirmary to get some potions," he said, "You need to regain your strength,"

I feel my heart slowly begin to lower. The pain seems to finally ebb away, for now. He brings the wash cloth over my face. I want to kiss him. To hold him.

"Hearing.... about us," Squall says, "Must scare you,"

"No," I say, "It doesn’t. You two are made for each other," beat.....beat....beat.... I say lying through my teeth.

He laughs. "I love him so much. He means so much, to me," he says acting very calmly, "I thought I could never love anyone, but.... hear I am... in love with Zell,"

My stomach begins to gyrate violently. I shiver from the cool wind and water blowing and dripping down my neck. My hair (which is quite long for a guy) is flung to the side of the pillow.

"Squall.... I....," I begin. I need to tell him now.

"Alec..... what is it?" he says looking into my copper eyes.

"I.....I....love....," I start to say when Zell walks in with a paper bag.

"Okay! I got some stuff for you Alec," he says putting various blue bottles on the table, "I wanna... take care of Alec. To thank him for last night,"

I sit up in bed and swallow a potion. Then I chug down an antidote to go with it. The bitter taste of antitoxins fill my dry mouth.... I need to get them out of here....

"Squall..... Zell..... About me blowing up..... I..... There was no excuse for it. I... just cracked up..... This pain..... Making you guys feel responsible. But.... I’m happy for you guys. You’ll stay that way.....,"

Zell grins, "Forever. You got it!"

Squall returns the smile with a kiss, "Thank you Alec. I’m glad you understand. It is so hard to be.... like us,"

Zell crushesd the doubt of Squall easily, "It will be okay, Squall....,"

I sit in a silent rage. I should tear my murmuring heart out and show it’s decay.

The decay of scarlet. The decay of Squall. The decay of unloved ones. I am beyond suicide. I’m beyond tearing my soul out. I wanna die, 100%, the whole deal, all locked up in that rasberry swirl called the heart. All though it’s not rasberry. It’s nocture. It’s black. It’s rotted.

"Alec?" Squall’s voice brings me out of my long pause.

"Hmmmm?" I say.

"You were scowling, are you sure your okay?"

"Yeah....," I say, "I feel much better," I say getting up, "Let’s get dressed and get ready for today’s training,"

"You sure?" Squall says.

"Very," I say getting out my school uniform, "I think we’re training today,"

"You wanna run down to the cafeteria and get something to eat?" Zell asks.

"No thanks, I lost my appetite," I saw waving my hand at the blonde.

"Alec..... We’ll be in the next room.....,"

"It’s okay," Zell says grabbing Squall’s waist, "I left my uniform in your room anyway,"

He drags the man I love out into the hallway.

beat.....beat.....beat.....

I pull on my uniform and think of Zell. His boisterous face.

"You bastard....," I say out loud.

I can hear them laughing through the wall.

beat....beat....beat.....

My heart begins to slowly murmur to my brain once more.

beat.....beat.....beat....

End of File:03. File:04:Vox