* * * Ranma Ichibunnoni Epilogue * * * "I did it! I'm cured! I'm cured at last!" shouted Ranma happily. He ran up and hugged Akane. "I'm a guy again!" He ran past her and hugged Nabiki. "I'm me!" Nabiki spit out the mouthful of water she had been gargling with. Ranma-chan ran up to Kasumi and hugged her. "I'm a guy!" Kasumi smiled. "That's nice, Ranma." A panda walked into the hallway. 'What's all the noise about?' it asked, via a sign. "I'm cured, Pop!" shrieked the young redhead happily. "No more transvestite jokes! No more worrying about swimsuits! No more worrying about having--" She felt her chest. "Having--" She looked down. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" She fell down on her knees and started sobbing. "Wahhh...noo...I had it *right* this time..." The panda went back inside and fell asleep. This kind of thing was becoming common around the Tendo dojo. The wall burst open and Shampoo stepped in. "Ranma, you take Shampoo on date now?" Akane turned on the purple-haired amazon. "Shampoo! Can't you learn to use the door?" Shampoo shrugged. "Nobody answer door." Akane glared at her. "Maybe because it's only six thirty! Civilized people don't get up yet!" Shampoo blinked. "Akane maybe barbarian. Shampoo get up at dawn." "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?" demanded Akane. Ukyou walked up the stairs. "Ranchan! I brought you your breakfa--what's that *bimbo* doing here?" Shampoo ignored her. "So, Ranma, you go out with Shampoo now?" "WHAT!?" shrieked Akane and Ukyou, simultaneously. Shampoo smiled. "Ranma promise he go out with Shampoo." Ranma-chan stepped back from her other two fiancees. "Hey, wait," she said. "You got it all wrong!" Ukyou glared at her. "Go on, Ranchan," she said. "Explain. I'm listening. And this had *better* be good." Ranma-chan cringed. "Man, I'm just grateful Kodachi ain't here or nothing..." "OHOHOHOHOHO!" cried the crazed gymnast as she swung through the hole in the wall left by Shampoo's similarly spectacular entrance. "Ranma-sweetums! Where are you? You there! Pig-tailed girl! What have you done with my Ranma?" "YOUR Ranma?" asked Ranma-chan, Ukyou, and Shampoo, all simultaneously. "How could things get worse?" asked Ranma-chan. The wall beside him was cut in two, and Kuno stepped through. "I didn't really want to know," said Ranma-chan darkly. "Sister dear!" cried Kuno. "Forsooth, where hast thy--oh! Pig-tailed girl!" He glomped onto Ranma-chan. "The fates must have brought us together! We must be destined to be one with each other!" Ranma-chan's pigtail stood on end. She punched Kuno into the wall. "Yeah, well, your fate is to become one with the wall, pal," replied Ranma-chan. "Go on, Ranchan!" said Ukyou threatingingly. "Explain! I'm waiting!" Ranma-chan sighed. "Well, you see..." she started. "DIE, SAOTOME!" Everybody ducked as chains filled the air. Mousse glomped onto Ukyou. "Shampoo!" Ranma-chan breathed a sigh of relief for the reprieve--at least, until Cologne hopped in. "Son-in-law," the old crone said. "You're not going to weasel out of your promise to my great-granddaughter, are you?" Ukyou smashed Mousse into the wall, joining Kuno. "Promise?" she asked. Cologne smiled. "Son-in-law traded a date with Shampoo in return for a cure for his curse." Ukyou turned red and advanced on Ranma. He backed up until he hit the wall. "Hey!" he said defensively. "It didn't work!" Cologne laughed. "You promised in return for a chance, son- in-law, not a guarentee. I told you the guarantee would require you to marry Shampoo. Have you changed your mind?" Ranma-chan sweated. "Uh, Ukyou, don't believe her," he said. "I'm not going out with Shampoo." "Oh, so?" Shampoo asked. Ranma-chan groaned. The two girls started beating him into a pulp. Akane shook her head, hugging her pet pig. "Honestly, P- Chan," she said. "You'd think he'd have learned by now. I swear, all the times he's tried to get rid of his curse and failed--you'd think he was doing it on purpose! Like he *wanted* to stay a girl forever!" P-Chan squealed in agreement. Ranma-chan crawled away from her fiancees. "Aw, c'mon, Akane," she said. "Why would I do something stupid like that?" And somewhere, Ranko looked down on her brother and smiled. * * * The End "Sister, Don't Cry," by Collective Soul Overseas, through the air, Touched your heart Down with care. All the thoughts left behind, Soon will catch You in time. Well, if I could, you know That I would let Salvation rain on you. So won't you push away All this pain That you've been through, I say: Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. While the scenes shuffle round, Let your world Anchor down. Pull your heart from your sleeve, First react, Then believe. You won't always get The thunder to warn you Of storms ahead. So bury all this pain And get on with your Life again, I say: Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Conquer some serenity. Lay yourself in fields Of poetry. Close your eyes to all you see. Lay your weary head Here with me. Oh, lay down. Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Sister, don't cry. Sister, don't cry no more. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Sister, don't cry Anymore. Sister, don't cry Anymore. SPECIAL SECTION: Selected clips from the making Inspired by the great Jackie Chan films that end with the scenes that, well, failed miserably, and by the wit and sometimes accidental humour of my pre-readers, I'm happy to present you with some of the funnier and wittier of the comments that were bantered about during the year-long odyssey of this fanfic. If you want to read the deeper stuff (and please do!), it's at the end of this section, in the author's note. * * * "Shampoo pounced on him, grabbing him around the neck and pulling him in towards her waiting...lips? Akane blinked. Shampoo was kissing him passionately." -Episode 11 "Aah! She's gonna hunt me to the ends of the Earth and -- saaaay...." -David * * * "I'm guessing, though, that the djinn thingy is somehow gonna give Ranma a curse. But I'll soon find out, won't I? WON'T I?" -Mike, Episode 16 * * * "And the Chinese died young 1500 years ago, you know. Am I gonna die of old age at 30?" -Episode 5 "They didn't *all* die young, future son-in-law." -David * * * "Ranma stood in the hall and snarled." -Episode 2 "Arrrr, where's me parrot?" -David * * * "Ranko-bimbo?" -Me, Episode 5 * * * "Ryouga is nigh-helpless before girls--any girls. Cologne could probably seduce the poor guy, or at least make him tongue-tied. I hope so, anyways. About Ranko and Ryouga, I mean." -Blade, Episode 17 * * * "Ranma Ichietc. episode 12 was interesting, but I'll reserve commentary until I have the foggiest clue what's going on." - Blade, Episode 12 * * * "My statement before rests. You are evil, evil, evil!" -Letha * * * "Mental note: Never say anything flippant to you ever again." -David * * * "Well, I'll see it when it comes, won't I? WON'T I? Wait, that didn't make any sense! ." -Mike * * * "Ah! You fall in Usagichuan, Spring of Drowned Moon Princess. There very tragic legend about silly Moon Princess who drown in spring five thousand two hundred year ago. Now anyone who fall in spring take on personality of silly Moon. Very bad for you." -David, Episode 5 * * * "Geez! Leave me out of your *sick* fantasies! Get a grip, you moron!" -Episode 5 "You *did* kinda lead him on, Ranko." -David * * * "...Other than that, it was (say it with me) interesting!" -Blade, every single episode * * * "Ranko needs someone to stand behind her, to back her up, to comfort her, to ...Oh, can't you see? It's SO romantic!!!" -Blade, Episode 16 * * * "Nabiki smiled in that way she had." "I'm gonna start keeping track of these. Two." -David * * * "Then Ranko felt herself being groped. She screamed and turned around to bash the living daylights out of the pervert (1). After a few dozen screaming attacks, she stepped back to observe the fruit of her labour. It was Kuno." "Thus giving her an experience in common with the late Mrs. Kuno." -David * * * "Shampoo blinked. 'What for pig speak Spanish?'" "To talk to the spider. Hush now." -David * * * "If he let go, Shampoo would strike the cupboard again. And if he didn't..." "Let a hundred flowers bloom on your GRAVE, Ranma!" -David * * * "I didn't include the quote for obvious reasons." -Me "Oh? What are they?" -Letha * * * "Akane just looked at him angrily. 'How can you keep doing that and still talk to me?' Ranma started praying." "Na myo ho renge kyo. HELLLLP!" -David * * * But he was alone. She blinked as Mr. Tendo rolled over in his sleep. Oh, my. Someone really ought to tell him that pink thermal underwear was out of fashion. "It means a great deal to me. You see...it belonged to my wife." "I also like to wear her pumps." * * * "Leaving isn't going to help Ranma and Akane. It's going to hurt them, and even if they do get together, I'm always going to be a spectre haunting their relationship." "I am the ghost of sisters past." * * * And finally, two serious - if unintentionally so - quotes: "Oh my," said Kasumi. "I do hope nothing breaks." "Just hearts, babe." -David * * * "Ryoga smiled and nodded back. He couldn't help himself. She was contagious." "And there's no cure for her." -David * * * Fin Author's Note: I started this fanfic waaay back in March 1996. The fact that it's taken so long speaks less of the length of this story - although it's by far the longest of all my fanfics - but rather the reactions I got to it. There are some people who think this is a beautiful story, and then there are people who think this *could* have been a beautiful story before I ruined it completely. I know I can't please everybody, but in the time since I finished my first draft in April, nearly two months of hard work, I've tried very hard to do just that. The fact that writing the second version of the story has taken me over seven times as long as the original story should tell you just how hard that was to do. Besides figuring out what *I* wanted to write, I had to find the words - not always easy - and the time, and went through two computer crashes, one in which I lost *everything* (the current draft is a copy I gave to a friend, heavily modified) and at least one personal crisis which forestalled any work for half a year. It was a long road to travel, and a hard one. And looking at the end of it as I write this, I have to extend my deepest thanks and, indeed, my admiration for the people who stuck with me through it all. All of my pre-readers, who not only provided advice and criticism, but continued to do so even after reading the same story four or five times. All of them managed to provide some good advice, even if they didn't realize it at the time. And they all were able to brighten my day in their own, special way. Thank you all - you know who you are, and I hope you are all as proud of this story as I am now. Special thanks go to two people. The first is David Homerick, who has taken the extremely thankless and probably hopeless job of being my editor. Besides my abyssmal grammar and occasional spelling mistakes, he was the single greatest source of humour, wry comments and occasional sarcasm that helped speckle the story with something besides a dry narrative. He never gave up on it, even when I did. And all this from a man who hated the ending. That, ladies and gentlemen, is service above and beyond the call of duty. Thank you, David. Secondly, I would like to thank my sister Letha. Though we're far apart most of the year, we share a bond of love that eclipses mere friendship between siblings. Without the support and tender caring she lent me over the last year, I don't know what I would have done. But most importantly, without her understanding, I don't know if I could have written this story at all. Whatever changes in my life, she will always be a constant...my sister. Thank you, Letha. I had to undergo criticism from all sides, those people who wished me to keep the story the same and not change it at all, those who hated the entire story and wanted me to start from scratch, and everybody in between. The reactions I got to the story ranged from utter and complete adoration to outright hatred. I have never taken criticism well (which makes me wonder what I'm doing writing stories) and I did not take this criticism at all well. I gave up several times, but I always came back to it eventually. And I always tried to stay true to the story. Because, you see, I believe that stories like these have their own life. Not that they are living or breathing, not that they think, hope, or die like we do, but that they take on a spirit of their own, a direction that the author can merely follow and hope to convey to others in some inferior form. For me, Ranko came alive on the computer screen as I wrote. When she laughed, I could hear her in my mind and I smiled with her, and at her. When she cried, I would have given a *lot* to have been able to give her comfort, to have been able to make her pain go away. Yes, I am the author - but there are some things I cannot change, no matter how hard I try. The story comes first, before my feelings, and before the feelings of my characters. Above all, Ranko became an icon to me, of why I never, ever hope to willingly and knowingly inflict pain on anybody. In many ways, I suppose I'm simply suffering from Pygmalion's curse, falling in love with my own creation. And I freely admit it! But, strangely - or perhaps not, in this case - I think of her not romantically at all, but rather as a true and dear sister, to be protected and cherished and, above all, loved. Writing the words that caused her suffering was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I think - and I hope you, the reader, can understand - I think that I had to do it. I never really intended for this story to be so controversial or to cause so many people pain; it was a story that came to me slowly but surely, and I have tried to keep it true to my original vision despite the twists and turns it has taken. If, after reading it, you are filled with pain or sadness, or you despise the ending, think of the words written by a long-ago bard and remember that this, too, is just a story written about a story: "If we shadows have offended Think but this and all is mended, That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear And this weak and idle theme No more yielding but a dream Gentles, do not reprehend If you pardon, we will mend, And as I am an honest Puck If we have unearned luck Now to scape the serpent's tongue We will make amends ere long, Else the Puck a liar call, So good night unto you all, Give me your hands if we be friends And Robin shall restore amends." As is my custom with every story I write, I find one song that sums up the feeling that underlies the theme of the story, and then play it to death in the background while writing. In this case, the song that made the most sense and the song that had the most personal feeling were two different songs, sadly. 'Sister, Don't Cry' seemed so much more appropriate, though I've never heard it; thanks for the suggestion and the lyrics go to David Homerick. That song is for you. THIS song is for me. Dave Harper, 7:55 pm, December 6th, 1997 With or Without You U2 See the stones set in your eyes See the thorn twist in your side I wait for you Sleight of hand and twist of fate On a bed of nails you make me wait And I wait...without you With or without you With or without you Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you I'm waiting With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away My hands are tied My body bruised, she's got me with Nothing left to win And nothing else to lose With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you