*    *    *


                        Ranma Ichibunnoni
                        Episode Eighteen


                           *    *    *

     "SHISHI HOUKOUDAN!!" 
     There was a sudden flash of light, illuminating the valley. 
The sound of an explosion soon followed.  Looking closer, a lone
figure stood in the open air, surrounded by a circle of rubble. 
     "Now all I have to do is find Ranko!" said Ryoga determinedly. 
He started running.
     Another figure crept out of the darkness below.  "Hey, wait!"
he said.  "Not that way!"
     Ryoga spun around.  "How would *you* know where she is?"
     The old man shrugged.  "I don't, but..."
     Ryoga turned back.  "Well, then.  I'm off!"  He ran forward
again.
     There was a splash.
     "...Unless your girlfriend is a mermaid, I doubt she lives in
the sea," finished the old man.  He shook his head.  "Young love. 
So stupid.  I'm glad I've grown out of it at last."

                           *    *    *

     Happosai entered the room.  As he did so, seven pairs of eyes
instantly locked onto him.  "Bwahaha!" he laughed.  "You're out of
sake, Soun old boy!"  
     Genma smiled grimly and picked up Ranma by the scruff of his
neck.  "Get him, boy!" he yelled.
     Ranma screeched and spun around, clawing at his father.  Genma
yelped in pain and surprise, dropping Ranma.  Ranma landed on all
fours and hissed at his father, the hair on his neck standing up.
     "Not me!  Him!" said Genma, pointing at Happosai.  "Attack! 
Kill!"  Ranma ignored him, turning his back and licking the back of
his hand.  Genma turned desperate.  "Fetch!  Heel!  Play dead!" 
Ranma kept licking himself.
     "Some super-weapon," said Nabiki.  
     Soun harrumphed.  "That's not the only weapon we have, Nabiki. 
Watch and learn!"  He threw a dozen magazines into the air.  
     Happosai sneered.  "So, you think you can defeat me with--" 
One of the magazines fluttered open.  "--with whoo, what's that? 
Hotcha!"  Happosai leapt into the air and started gathering his
beloved magazines.  
     "Now!!" cried Genma, shoving his son's head in Happosai's
direction.  Ranma clawed his father again.  "Yeeeowch!" cried
Genma.
     "Oh, Mr. Saotome, that's not the way to treat a cat," said
Kasumi.  
     "What do you mean, Kasumi?" asked Akane, confused.  
     "Cats are stubborn creatures," explained Kasumi.  "If you want
them to do something, you have to make them want to do it
themselves, as if it was their own idea in the first place.  Treat
them with kindness and affection, and eventually, they'll love you
back."  She smiled.  
     "That's all very interesting," said Nabiki, "but shouldn't
somebody be doing something about the resident pervert while we're
chatting about the merits of housepets?"  Nabiki gave a significant
glance in her father's direction.
     "Um..." said her father.  "Well, you see, Nabiki, this was the
only plan we could think of..."  
     Akane buried her head.  "Great.  Just great.  In other words,
we're doomed."  
     Genma's eyes glittered.  "Not yet," he said confidently.
     "Oh?" asked Soun.  Akane leaned in expectantly.
     Genma nodded seriously.  "We still have until the magazines
run out!" he said.  Everybody facefaulted.  Genma leapt into the
air, scattering another dozen of the trash rags into the air. 
Happosai gleefully bounced off the walls, collecting them into his
increasingly-bulging sack on his back.
     Ukyou leaned over Ranma.  He looked up with a muted meow of
curiosity.  She peered into his eyes.  "Ranma?" she asked.  She
waved a hand in front of his eyes.  He playfully swatted it.  Ukyou
blinked.  Ukyou frowned.  "Maybe Kasumi has a point," she admitted. 
"But how can we use that against the old lech?"  
     Nabiki smiled grimly.  "I think I know just the way..." she
said to herself.  
     Akane blinked.  "Really, Nabiki?"
     Nabiki turned to Akane.  "If my suspicions about Ranma are
correct, anyway."  She paused uncertainly, and turned to Ukyou. 
"I'm going to need your help, too," she said.  "Both of you stand
here."
     "Like this?" asked Akane, stepping forward.
     "Yep," cheerfully agreed Nabiki, stepping aside.  "Hey, old
fart!" she yelled.  "Come and get it!  Two lovely young nubile
girls waiting for your lusty pleasures!"  
     Akane turned red.  "WHAT!?" she yelled, turning on her sister. 
Ukyou just blinked in surprise.
     Happosai turned in midair, defying the laws of physics (1). 
"Sweeto!" he cried, glomping onto Akane.  Akane forgot about her
backstabbing sister and screamed in terror.
     "MREEOOOOOW!!"  Everybody except Nabiki turned in surprise as
Ranma leapt at Happosai, teeth bared and hands curled into claws. 
Rather than a physical attack, thin beams of something indefinite
seemed to stretch out from his hands, curving in the air like claw
marks, multiplying and dividing and stretching out until the air
was full of them, clawing and scratching and cutting the air around
Happosai into tiny shreds that seemed to peel away from him. 
Miraculously, Akane was unharmed.  Not so the old master.  The bag
over his shoulder gave a quiet shiver as it split apart into dozens
of thin strips, the precious magazines kept within sliced apart
like they'd been through a paper shredder.
     "My pretties!" cried Happosai in an anguished tone.  The old
freak leapt off Akane onto the ground, assuming a fighting stance. 
Ranma landed a foot away from him, arching his back and hissing. 
"Ranma, you have aroused my anger!" announced Happosai, holding the
remnants of a magazine in his hands, battle aura infusing his tiny
frame.  "Prepare to face the deadly force of...Playboy-fu!"    
     Ranma yeowled his defiance and jumped to the attack.


(1)  Defying the laws of physics is a common occurrence in Ranma
1/2.  For that matter, breaking any kind of law is a common
occurrence in Ranma 1/2.

                           *    *    *

     "All right, secret techniques!" said Nabiki, rubbing her hands
together.  "Now where'd I put my camera?"  
     "Nabiki!!" yelled Akane, still fuming over her sister's
betrayal.  "We have more important things to worry about!"
     "Yeah," agreed Ukyou, eyes wide.  "Like what's happening to
Ranchan..."
     Akane blinked, and turned around.  She gasped.  Somehow,
Happosai had managed to swirl the dirty magazines into the air,
forming a deadly whirlwind of paper and pictures.  It formed paper
trails in the air, spinning paper-thin razors in circles around
Ranma.  
     "Oh, come on!" yelled Akane.  "What kind of stupid attack is
that!?"  
     Happosai laughed.  "The Centrefold of Death is no simple
attack, my pretty."
     "Don't call me your pretty!" yelled Akane.  
     "Yeah, it's a misnomer anyways," said Ukyou.
     "Yeah, it's a--" yelled Akane.  She turned and glared at Ukyou
angrily.  "It is NOT!"
     Happosai ignored them.  "Many lesser men have been crushed by
the deadly secrets of this manuever," he gloated.  "By employing a
combination of distraction and attack, it gives me the time I need
to launch my final attack!"
     "Distraction and attack?" said Soun, frowning.  "I don't
see..."  One of the magazines diverted course and flew at him.  He
easily swatted it away.  Unfortunately, his move inadvertently
opened it up into a three-page centrefold.  Soun's eyes grew wide
as saucers.  Five more magazines hit him in the head all at once,
knocking him over backwards.
     Ranma growled and slashed the air, turning a dozen of the
filthy publications into so much confetti without even touching
them, but two dozen more took their place and pressed even closer. 
Ranma had to dodge as one of the circles closed in on him.
     "He's right," gasped Ukyou.  "It's keeping Ranchan occupied! 
He can't do anything to attack Happosai, while the old pervert...
relaxes?" 
     Akane blinked.  "Excuse me?" she asked.  
     Ukyou pointed at the old man.  "Look!"  Happosai had his feet
up on the couch, and was chugging a bottle of sake as he flipped
through one of the magazines that had escaped destruction.
     "Of all of the nerve!" screeched Akane.  She launched forward,
but felt a restraining hand on her arm.  She looked up at Nabiki,
puzzled.  
     "Remember what happens when you attack him?" Nabiki asked her. 
     Akane blushed.  "Oh, yeah."
     Ranma screeched in pain as two circles of whirling magazines
collided with each other, sending tiny slivers of paper flying.  He
lashed out again, sending another dozen or so of the X-rated
projectiles to their dooms.
     "Ooh, I'll bet those paper cuts really smart," Nabiki
commented.
     Soun stood up.  "Master...what about the final attack?"
     "Hey!" yelled Ukyou.  "Whose side are you on!?"  
     Happosai turned to his audience and gave them a sheepish grin.
"I never *did* manage to figure out a ranged attack that would
work," he admitted.  "Oh, well.  Can't win 'em all."
     "Ah ha!" cried Akane.  "He's got a weak spot, after all!" 
Ukyou looked at her curiously.  "While Ranma is being kept
occupied, he can't attack him--but Happosai can't attack Ranma,
either!"  
     Ukyou nodded.  "I think we already got that part, Akane," she
said patronizingly.
     "But," Akane said, still trying to make sense of it all,
"RANMA can't attack him, anyway--only use his Cat-Fu.  Happosai can
only attack hand-to-hand, though--HE has to get close to Ranma to
do any real damage!"  
     Ukyou gasped.  "So...in order to win, Ranma has to keep
Happosai away from him..."
     "...Which we can help with," nodded Akane, smiling.  
     "How?" asked Nabiki bluntly.  
     Akane's smile slipped.  "Uh," she said, "I'll think of
something."
     Ranma sliced another whirling circle into shredded heaven.
     Nabiki smirked.  "Don't look now, Happosai," she said, "but
your 'victim' has just gotten out of your little trap."  
     Ranma finally stood away from the shredded remains of over a
hundred dirty magazines and yowled.  His dark gaze turned onto the
old man lounging on the sofa.  Happosai leisurely stood up.  "Bah!"
he said.  "I should have known not to use *civilized* tactics on
you!"  
     "He calls that 'civilized'?" muttered Akane in disbelief.  
     Ranma clawed at the air, and it seemed to snake towards
Happosai like before.  Akane's eyes widened as thin red trails
appeared on the old lech.  
     Happosai snarled.  "Prepare to die!" he yelled.  Then his
demeanour changed and his eyes glittered dangerously.  He smiled. 
"So...you dare to use Cat-Fu against me?  Well, it may surprise you
to know the ancient masters of Anything-Goes martial arts
encountered that particular style before--and developed a special
countermove against it!  Anything goes Playboy-fu final attack: 
Rolling Thunder Attack!"  Akane gasped.
     Happosai casually rolled up one of the magazines and swatted
Ranma on the head with it.  "Bad kitty!  Bad kitty!  Now go fetch!" 
He threw the magazine over Ranma's head.  Ranma followed the
magazine with his eyes, then playfully jumped into the air,
swatting at it.
     "Ranma, you idiot!  What do you think you're doing!?"  Akane
stood in his path, red-faced.  Ranma blinked and looked at her
oddly, cocking his head.  Then he seemed to shrug and started
rubbing against her leg, purring.  Akane blushed.  "Stop that! 
You're supposed to be getting rid of Happosai!  Are you listening
to me?"  Ranma ignored her, still rubbing against her leg.  Akane
grabbed his head and forced him to look at her.  "Ranma!!"  
     Ranma snarled and struck out at Akane.  Akane stared in shock
as she flew backwards, landing on her back with a thud.  Ranma
calmly started licking himself.  
     "Akane!" yelled Ukyou.  "What do you think you're doing,
attacking Ranchan at a time like this?!"  She waved her spatula
threateningly.
     "Oh, no..." muttered Nabiki.  "Not now..."
     "Ranma!" yelled Genma.  "Watch out for the master!"  Ranma
steadfastly ignored him, turning his back.  Happosai confidently
walked up to Ranma, his pipe in his hands.  Ranma didn't move, or
even seem to understand he was in danger.  He ignored their frantic
yells, content to lick himself.  Happosai leapt into the air.  
     "Heeeere, kitty kitty," came a voice from the doorway.  
     Ranma stood up straight on all fours, staring at the doorway. 
"Mrrreeoow!" he meowed in joy, jumping out of the way as Happosai
landed, destroying a large part of the floor with his strike. 
Ranma landed in Ranko's waiting arms.  
     Ranko smiled and stroked his back as he lay curled up in her
cradling arms.  "There's a good kitty," she murmured comfortingly
to him.

                           *    *    *

     "RANKO!!"  The yell came from several voices at once.  
     "Ranko?" asked a bemused Happosai.  "What a lovely name..."
     "What are you doing here?" asked Akane, flabbergasted.
     "Oh...uh..."  Ranko blushed.  "I was just...passing through. 
You know..."  Ranko fidgeted, something difficult to do with a boy-
sized cat in your arms.  "...and I sort of heard some commotion..." 
     "...For such a...*sweet* young girl..." said Happosai, inching
forward.
     "...so I sort of thought...I'd check and see what was
happening..."  She petted Ranma.  "...just in case...I mean..."
     Ranma reached up and rubbed his nose against hers.  She turned
an even brighter red.  Nabiki noted that Ranko didn't stop him,
though.  
     "SWEETO!!" yelled Happosai, jumping with arms joyfully
outstretched towards Ranko.  Ranko blinked in surprise, but Ranma
was not caught off guard.  Leaping out of Ranko's embrace, he met
Happosai in midair, sending the old master flying from the force of
his Cat-Fu.  Ranma was flung the opposite direction into the wall. 
Ranko stared in shock.
     "What--??" she asked, turning to Akane.  
     Genma ran to his daughter.  "Oh, Ranko!  Ranko!" he sobbed. 
"Thank goodness you're here!!"
     Ranko squirmed.  "Aw, Pop," she muttered, "it wasn't like I
was gone long..."
     Genma patted her on the shoulder.  "We'd just run out of
magazines," he told her.  
     Ranko blinked in total confusion.  "Huh?"
     Genma turned to his master.  "Here, master!  Look at this!" 
So saying, he grabbed hold of Ranko's blouse, and liberally tore it
from side to side.  Ranko shrieked.
     "SWEETO!!" yelled the old man, jumping into the air.  Quickly,
Genma and Soun grabbed an old buddhist statue and put it right in
front of Ranko, letting go just as Happosai, in his headlong
flight, flung himself right onto it.  It rang with the impact, and
the old lech slid down the side slowly with a muffled groan.  
     "Hahaha!" laughed Genma.  "That showed him!"
     "Well done, Saotome!  Well done!" laughed Soun.  The two
continued to congratulate themselves.  
     "Excuse me..." came a voice from behind Genma.  He blinked and
turned around.  It was Ranko.  If looks could kill, Genma would be
dead right at that moment (1).  As it was, he survived to regret
it.  
     Ranko's eyes flashed, her hair seeming to swirl around the
room as her battle aura shone a dark crimson that drained away all
the other light in the room.  It merged with her hair so neatly
that one could not tell where one began and the other ended.  She
appeared like a wild, untamed spirit about to unleash all her anger
on the world.  Or to be specific, on one person in particular.  
     Genma grinned nervously.  "Now, Ranko," he cautioned her, "I
hope you won't hold this against me."
     "I *HATE* YOU!!" she screamed.  "DIE, OLD MAN!!"  She launched
two dozen attacks in a fury, not so much blindly lashing out as
instinctively using her senses and skills to aim each blow to a
deadly weak spot.  Genma went down under the furious assault.  
     "Ranko!" admonished Akane.  "Stop that!"
     "Yeah, like Akane said," agreed Ukyou.  The two girls
exchanged surprised glances.  Then they shrugged and turned back to
the patricidal young girl.  "You shouldn't be beating up your
father."
     Ranko paused.  She had always been one with a furious temper,
but it vanished quickly, too.  Still, a lingering aura of fury
surrounded her, and she looked up at both girls with a deadly gaze. 
"No?" she asked dangerously.
     "No," replied Akane. 
     She turned to Ukyou, and both girls nodded, cracking their
knuckles.  "Let *us* do it for you," they said as one.
     Ranko stepped back uncertainly as Ukyou and Akane attacked
Genma with an anger that nearly matched Ranko's.  She blinked in
surprise at the two girls, then looked around for somebody to
explain things to her.  
     "My darling Ranko-chaaaaaan!" cried Happosai, glomping onto
her chest.  
     "Gyaaaaaah!!  Off!  Off!" screeched Ranko, punting him into
the wall.  Everybody stopped and stared at her.  She quickly
gathered the remnants of her blouse together and covered herself. 
"Hey!" she yelled.  "Whaddayou jerks think you're staring at?!"  
     Akane blinked.  "You...hit him."
     Ranko snorted.  "He deserved it!"  
     "Do it again!" encouraged Ukyou. 
     "Huh?" asked Ranko, taken aback.
     "Oh, Ranko!  The daughter I never had!"  Soun grabbed her in
a hug.  Ranko punched him into the wall without letting go of her
blouse with her other hand.
     "Exactly WHAT...is going on here!?" she demanded, arms crossed
in front of her.  
     "You're not going to believe this..." began Nabiki.


(1)  If looks could kill, a lot of people would die with bridge
cards in their hands.  

                           *    *    *

     "You have to defeat the master!" said Soun, suddenly appearing
in front of Ranko.  
     "I don't *have* to do anything of the kind," she responded
darkly.  "A true martial artist never attacks a defenceless
person."
     "You beat up your father," commented Nabiki.  
     Ranko glared at her.  "That's different!"  
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  "Do tell."
     "Sweeto!" cried Happosai, once again glomping onto Ranko.  
     "EEK!" she screamed, pounding him frantically into the floor. 
She panted as the dust cleared.  Ranma walked gracefully over to
her and sat down beside her.  Happosai jumped up and glomped onto
Akane.  Akane started screaming and thrashing.  Ranko ignored her.
     Nabiki rolled her eyes at Ranko.  Ranko bared her teeth in
return.  She glared around her.  "Why do you all want to kill him,
anyway?  He's just a harmless old...pervert."  She looked down at
the floor.  "And not the only one, I see."  She nudged an intact
magazine with her foot.  "The girls of China take it all off," she
read out loud, a sarcastic lilt to her voice.  "See the greatest
two wonders of the world!  16-year old Xian Pu takes it all off for the
boys of Japan--whose *are* these, anyway?"  Akane screamed 
in terror.
     Ukyou coughed.  "Uh...your father bought them..."  Akane
screamed bloody murder at them both.
     Ranko glared down at the wreck that was her father.  "Oh so?" 
She stomped on a delicate portion of his anatomy.  Hard.  "I should
have guessed," she said.  She picked up Ranma as she would have a
cat and walked away from Genma.  "I leave for a day, and all Hell
breaks loose?"
     Nabiki nodded.  "Just about," she agreed.  
     Akane's screaming began to annoy Ranko.  She walked over and
flipped Happosai off the girl.  "Honestly, Akane," she said,
"you're such a...a...well, a *girl* sometimes."  She brought
Happosai up to her eye level.  "Well, what have we here?" she asked
him.
     "Exactly what I was about to find out, my dear!" he said,
reaching forward and grabbing.  Ranko's eyes widened and she flung
him into the floor.  Ranma leapt onto him, only to be flung into
the air, smacking into the ceiling.
     Ranko stared up.  "How...?"
     Akane stood up, face red.  "That's what we've been *trying* to
tell you, baka!  He's got a genie!"
     Ranko blinked.  "A genie?"
     Akane shook her head.  "Don't tell me you don't know what a
genie is?  Honestly!  Haven't you ever read Aladdin?"  
     Ranko sneered.  "I didn't have time to read books when *I* was
a kid...unlike others I know."
     Nabiki walked in between the two girls.  "What Akane, in her
own little way, is trying to explain, Ranko, is that your father's
old master Happosai here wished that nobody here could hurt him, 
and now we can't touch him."
     Ranko blinked.  "Is that possible?"
     Nabiki pointed a finger at Ranma.  "You tell me."   Ranma
finally got untangled from the ceiling.  There was a crash, and
Ranko winced, picking him up and petting him in her arms again.  
     Ranko sighed.  "I don't understand..."
     Happosai walked back to her.  "I'd be happy to tell you all
about, m'dear, during, say, dinner?  And perhaps breakfast
afterwards?"  
     Ranko casually smashed a fist into his head.  Nabiki smiled. 
"You see, Happosai has *one* wish left."  Ranko's mouth opened
wide.  Nabiki nodded.  "You see?  He *must* be stopped, or this
world will become a living Hell!"
     Ranko turned to the old man.  She sighed.  "I don't like
attacking weak old men.  Can I make you some kind of deal for the
genie?"
     "Lamp," corrected Ukyou.  "A panty-powered genie lamp."
     Happosai smiled at her.  "Well, now that you mention it," he
said, "there is ONE thing..."
     "Oh?"  Ranko bent down suspiciously to let him whisper into
her ear.  She nodded at what he had to say.  
     Akane strained her ears, but could only make out a few words. 
"...panties...live ferrets...swimming pool...Jell-O...nonstop...
kool-aid..."  
     Ranko's eyes widened and her face turned a brilliant pink. 
"WHAT!?!" she shrieked.  "I'd rather *die* first!!"  
     Happosai sighed.  "Ah, so you're being stubborn.  I guess you
don't really want the lamp, then."
     Ranko turned red.  "What did he say?" asked Akane, curious.
     "Trust me," said Ranko.  "You *don't* want to know."  She
turned back to the old man.  "That does it," she said.  "Like I
said, I don't like hurting old geezers.  But I'm gonna make an
exception in your case.  Nobody like you should be allowed to live! 
Give me the lamp or die!"
     Happosai sighed regretfully.  "Oh, dear me," he said. 
"Unfortunately, I don't have the lamp on me."  Ranko made a fist
and stepped forward, Ranma snarling at her side.  "But," said
Happosai, brightening, "how about we make a little bet?  If you
win, I'll give you the lamp.  And if I win, you'll marry me!"
     Ranko laughed.  "An old geezer like you?  You've got a deal,
pervert!"
     Akane's eyes widened in horror.  "Ranko, NO!!"

                          *    *    * 
 
     Ranko launched her attack against Happosai.  Happosai twirled
his pipe, and faster than she could follow, she felt herself being
flung through the roof.  She stared in disbelief as she fell
through the air.  How had he done that?
     Ranko landed on the ground, the wind rushing out of her.  It
felt like every bone in her body was broken.  She had that vague
feeling that she had made a mistake.  The first twinges of fear
arose in her breast.  
     "MREEEOW!!" came a yowl, and the wall of the dojo exploded in
splinters, a small form fleeing the attack.  
     Happosai landed next to Ranko.  "Give up?" he asked her, as he
deliberately slowed enough for Ranma to hit him, sending him on the
same trip his sister had been on just a moment ago.  
     Ranko got up shakily.  "N-never," she groaned.  "How...how did
you...?"
     Happosai grinned.  "Well, I wouldn't hit a girl normally, but
since you challenged me..."  He let his voice trail off.  Ranko
snarled and launched a flurry of high kicks.  He dodged them all,
and suddenly he was behind her, and she felt herself pitch forward
into the mud.  
     "Gack," she said as she arose.  "Bleah."  
     "Here, catch!" yelled Akane, throwing something at her.  
     Ranko caught it.  It was a towel.  She quickly cleaned off the
mud.  "Akane," she said, never taking her eyes off the old lech for
an instant.  "Couldn't you have given me something USEFUL?"  
     Akane's eyes widened.  "Oh, so that's the thanks I get?  Well,
fine, Ranko!  You can fight your own fight, then!"
     Ranko launched a flying kick.  Happosai was no longer there
when she landed.  She spun around just in time to block his attack. 
She gulped.  "Wait, Akane!" she yelled desperately.  "I didn't mean
it that way!"  Akane kept walking away.  Ranko slid out of the way
of Happosai's next attack as Ranma recovered and jumped behind
Happosai.  
     Ranko punched high as Ranma struck out with Cat-Fu low. 
Happosai dodged barely, placed on the defensive for once.  He
quickly recovered and sent Ranko flying into her brother.  The two
fell into a heap.  
     Ranko jumped into a crouching position from the ground,
sweeping her leg under Happosai.  Happosai was sent flying
backwards, but somersaulted into a perfect landing.  Ranko jumped
backwards in fear, away from him.  
     "Akane!" she yelled.  She couldn't look back to see if the
dark-haired girl had heard, but no response was forthcoming.  She
closed her eyes.  "AKANE!!" she yelled, desperately.  She hated
what she had to say next.  Ranko believed in never accepting
charity, in always being independent.  But right now...  "Akane, I
need your help..." she begged.
     "Really?" asked Akane, stepping forward.  
     "Please..." Ranko said.  
     "Sorry, I can't," replied Akane sadly.
     "WHAT!?" yelled Ranko.  "After all that!?  How *dare* you?!"
     Akane hastily backpedalled.  "You don't understand," she said
quickly.  "You're the only person here who can affect him...I still
don't understand that..."
     Ranko heard Nabiki's voice from behind her.  "Because, the way
Happosai worded his wish, only those of us who were actually there
at the time were included in it.  Weren't you paying attention in
Logic 101?"
     "Oh boy..." breathed Ranko, as she studied her opponent.  He
was sitting, waiting for her attack.  She shivered.  "What have I
gotten myself into?" she wondered out loud.  
     Ranma rubbed his head against her arm and meowed curiously. 
She reached down and pet him.  "I know, I know," she said softly. 
"I feel the same way."  Her features seemed to harden.  "Akane, can
you at least get me some cold water?"  
     Akane blinked.  "Cold water?  But...well, sure, but why...?"
     Soun started crying.  "No!  Don't give up now!  Somebody stop
her!"  
     Kasumi handed a small bucket to Ranko, smiling.  "There you
go, Ranko."  
     Ranko didn't smile back.  "Thanks, Kasumi."
     Akane stomped her foot in the ground.  "Oh, sure.  HER, you
say thanks to.  ME, you--"
     "Oh, shut up, Akane," said Ranko, as she splashed the water on
Ranma.

                           *    *    *

     "Huh?" asked Akane.  Nabiki smirked.  Kasumi smiled.  
     Ranma stood up, dripping wet.  "Man," he said.  "What'd I do
now?"  Ranko gave him a friendly smile.  His mouth dropped open. 
"RAN--"
     "Hush, Bro," said Ranko, clamping a hand over his mouth.  "See
that old geezer there?"
     "Uh...yeah," said Ranma a bit confusedly.  "Happosai, isn't
it?"
     Ranko nodded.  "Well, if I lose this battle, I have to marry
him."
     Ranma exploded.  "WHAT!?"  
     Ranko gave him a tremulous smile.  "Will you...?"
     Akane got impatient.  "Will he WHAT?"
     Ranma nodded and smiled.  "Of course.  How could you
think...?"
     Akane tapped her foot.  "How could you think WHAT?"
     Ranko smiled in relief.  "Shall we?" she suggested.
     Ranma bowed to her and moved forward.  "Let's," he agreed. 
They both turned to the waiting Happosai.  
    "What are you two TALKING about?" demanded Akane. 
    "Well...it's now or never..."  Ranma nodded in agreement as he
stepped forward at the same time. 
     "Die!" she yelled, spinning her foot in a high circle.  Ranma
attacked the ground.  
     "I think Ranchan's lost it again," said Ukyou sadly. 
     "No, wait," said Genma with the wisdom of years.  Ukyou spun
on him, fist raised in the air.  "I said WAIT!  WAIT!!  AAUGH!" he
screamed.  Nabiki blinked, then shrugged and looked at the fight,
ignoring the screams of Ranma's father.  True to Mr. Saotome's
words, Ranma's actions made sense now.  Happosai had ducked low to
avoid Ranko's kick, but the now-uncertain ground made him lose his
footing for the half second it took for Ranko's fist to punch
straight down where she stood.  It seemed like a fluke...but it
couldn't have been an accident--could it?
     "What's happening?" asked Kasumi.  
     Genma coughed.  He was bruised all over.  "Anything-Goes Twin
Fighting Special Technique - the Terrible Triple Attack," he
explained.  
     "What?" asked Akane.
     "Again!" cried Ranko, and used Ranma as a springboard as she
leapt behind Happosai.  She kicked forward as Ranma feinted
forward.  Happosai easily blocked her kick.  She smiled, knowing
Ranma could easily knock him into next month with his return kick. 
It didn't come.  Ranko's eyes widened as Happosai sent her flying
into a tree.  
     Genma smiled, glad he wasn't being hit by anybody at the
moment.  "I trained Ranma and Ranko in one of the rarest forms of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts:  Twin Fighting."
     "Twin Fighting?" asked Ukyou.  "What's that?"
     "Uhnn..." moaned Ranko.  Ranma jumped over to his sister,
trying to dodge Happosai's attacks at the same time.  He grabbed
his still-dizzy sister and leapt onto a tree branch.  
     Ranko looked at him with wide eyes.  Her mouth opened, but he
beat her to it.  "I'm sorry," he said.  "I can't touch him,
remember?"  He looked genuinely sorry.  
     Ranko shut up, surprised.  She nodded, and gave him a quick
kiss on the cheek.  "Thanks," she said.  Akane fumed.  Now was
*not* the time for a family reunion!  Couldn't she wait?
     Genma shaded his eyes as he looked at the battle.  "Twin
Fighting is said to have been developed by an old martial artist in
China.  His wife bore him twin sons as his heirs, and rather than
decide between the two, he wanted both to inherit."
     Both Saotome twins launched themselves off the branch onto
Happosai.  Ranma went sprawling upwards into Ranko, and the two
flew into the tree trunk, sliding down.  Happosai grabbed Ranma by
the shirt.
     "To get his sons to work together, he had them learn together,
train together and spar together," continued Genma.  "If one
learned too quickly, he had that one teach the slower twin.  If
they seemed to fight amongst themselves, he gave them an enemy they
had to team up to beat.  One day, the old man wanted to see how
well his sons had learned their lessons, and he attacked them in
disguise.  To his surprise, the two were more than a match for him,
despite the fact that he could easily defeat either alone, or one
at a time.  The two sons had managed to become one mind and one
body, the whole greater than the sum of the parts."
     Ranko grabbed Ranma around the chest and slid under his legs,
dragging him with her.  Ranma held on to Happosai as the old man
was flung into the tree.  
     "Their movements are as one, designed not only to be two
attackers, but to be coordinated to work in unison to achieve one
goal.  A true gestalt of mind and matter."
     Ranma leapt away from Happosai as the old man lunged at him. 
Ranko leapt forward at the same time, bringing up her knee into the
old master's face.  
     "That tradition is still continued in Anything-Goes martial
arts today," said Genma.  "Unfortunately, such training must be
from birth, since the child must grow to trust their partner
implicitly.  To the best of my knowledge, Ranma and Ranko are the
only two of their kind existing today."
     "But doesn't it have any weak points, Mr. Saotome?" asked
Ukyou.
     Happosai stood back up.  "Man..." said Ranko.  "Doesn't this
guy ever go down for the count?"  The old man snaked out with his
pipe, knocking Ranma onto his back.  Ranko kicked forward, but he
easily dodged, grabbing her leg and helping it along, increasing
her momentum until she landed flat on her own back.
     "Of course..." said Genma.  "All martial arts have their
weaknesses.  One of the worst weaknesses of Twin Fighting is that,
thanks to the hundreds and thousands of hours training and fighting
together, martial artists like Ranma and Ranko are much worse at
fighting without their twin near them."
     Happosai spun his pipe, and Ranma was thrown into the air. 
Ranko scrambled to her feet, expecting to be next.  Instead, the
old master smiled.  "Give up?"  She spit at him.  He shook his
head.  "Oh, well.  It was worth a try."  He quickly slammed her on
the top of her head with his pipe.  Ranko's eyes crossed.
     "And then there's the fact that Twin Fighting focuses on
techniques, not the individual," added Genma.  "It is difficult to
concentrate on Ch'i and the self, when you have been taught to
think of yourself as only one-half of a pair."
     Happosai stood still.  Ranko regarded him wearily.  What trick
was he up to now?  He was just standing, concentrating...getting
larger.  She blinked, wiping sweat away from her eyes.  She wasn't
imagining it--the old lech was growing in size.  She tried to kick
him, but she found she couldn't take her eyes off him.  Her eyes
widened as she realized she couldn't move.  She was paralyzed by
his intense battle aura!  Happosai just kept growing and
growing...she didn't think she could take much more of this...her
whole body was growing heavy...  
     "Not to mention the main weakness of Twin Fighting," jovially
added Genma, "which is--"
     "Would you just SHUT UP!?" yelled Akane.  "You're giving the
old pervert ideas!"  
     Happosai kept growing.  Ranko wanted to scream, to close her
eyes, to run away.  She wanted to strike back, to lash out, to
fight.  She couldn't do anything.  Her body trembled as she tried
to fight her paralysis, but it was no good.  She stood in fear as
he towered over her.  "Do you admit defeat?" he asked her in loud,
deep tones.  She didn't know he expected to answer when she was
paralyzed, but that didn't matter.  There could only be one answer
she could ever give him, and that was no.  But she couldn't make her
mouth work right.  Somehow, the menacing threat in front of her 
seemed to understand.
     "FOOOLISH MORTAL," he bellowed, swiping at her.  
     A blur of red came into Ranko's vision.  It was Ranma!  Her
heart leapt as she realized she still had a chance!  Her brother
leapt into the air and in between the two combatants.  But as Ranko
watched in helpless horror, he was thrown away by the force of
Happosai's wish.  She never saw where he landed, for it was then
that Happosai's fist smashed into her.  
     As she flew backwards through the air, Ranko felt her ribs
twinge, knowing with a sick certainty that they would break when
she landed on the rocky ground.  The fight was over.  She had no
more cards to play, and no more luck she could draw on.  Darkness
was overtaking her, and it was already encroaching on her vision. 
She was grateful for that, because it meant the pain would end
soon.  She could move again...not that it did her any good, now.  
     The last thought that went through her mind as she fell was
that this was a pretty embarrassing way to lose.

                        End of Episode 18