*    *    *


                        Ranma Ichibunnoni
                        Episode Seventeen


                           *    *    *

     Ryoga opened his eyes.  The first thing to greet his gaze was
Ranko's beautiful face as she lay next to him in her sleeping bag. 
Her chest rose and fell slightly in shallow breaths.  He always
marvelled that she could be so delicate while asleep and so vibrant
when awake.
     He let his gaze linger.  What harm, a few moments of bliss? 
The rising sun gently caressed his love with pastel shades of light
as it rose above the horizon, leaving a vision of loveliness before
his wondering eyes.  
     Ryoga gave a sigh filled with both happiness and resignation. 
He was usually up before the dawn, but the light even now filling
the valley was proof to his laziness today.  He shook his head. 
Besides, who was he to stare at Ranko?  He got up silently, so as
to not disturb her rest.  
     Stretching, he gazed around their small campsite.  There were
lots of trees nearby.  So they were probably in a forest of some
kind.  Or a park.  Or possibly someone's back yard (1).  Ryoga was
never quite sure where he was.  But then, with him, it didn't
really matter, did it?  
     He smiled, picked up the bucket, and went in search of some
water to boil to make breakfast with.


(1)  According to the CIA Factbook, Japan is 67% forest, so he had
a wide range of choices.  Assuming he was still *in* Japan, which,
with Ryoga, was never a certainty.  

                           *    *    *

     "That's it," said Ranma.  "Now he dies."
     "Oh, calm down, Ranma," said Nabiki.  "It's not that bad."  
     The two families, Tendo and Saotome, were clustered in the
Tendo dojo.  Happosai was upstairs, getting drunk.  The cause of
Ranma's concern was the frilly pair of lace panties he was
currently wearing--on his head.  
     "This is the last straw," he grumbled.  
     Akane sighed.  "Well, if you hadn't made him angry, Ranma, you
wouldn't *be* in this situation."
     Genma held up a sign.  The panda was also wearing panties on
his head.  It read 'My fur is starting to itch.'
     Ranma hit his father.  "Shut up, old man!  This is all *your*
fault!"
     Ukyou shook her head.  "Well, it certainly is...*diabolical*
punishment," she agreed.  "Although it's kind of funny, too, in a
way."  She giggled.  Ranma glared at her.  

                           *    *    *

     Ryoga staggered back to the campsite.  Four hours!  He'd been
gone four whole hours! (1)  Normally, that wouldn't have bothered
him much.  But then, normally he didn't leave anything worth
keeping behind him when he travelled.  But that was before he had
met Ranko.
     He shuddered at the thought of what she would say to him--if
she was even still there.  He didn't want anything to mar the start
of their relationship.  If you could call it that, he mused in a
spurt of fresh depression.  
     He got to the campsite and put down the water.  He glanced
around nervously.  There were no signs of life; not a single
creature moved nearby, nor was any sound to be heard.  Ryoga
panicked.  
     "RAAANNKOOO!" he shouted, desperately hoping she was in
hearing range.  He felt his heart speed up slightly.  What if she
was in danger?  What if she was lost?  Or worse, what if she had
gone looking for him, and was even now trapped somewhere?  
     "RAAANNKOOO!!" he yelled, even louder this time.  Annoyed
birds chirping answered his call.  He started to shake.  How could
he, with his lousy sense of direction, ever hope to find her?  It
was a hopeless task!  But he'd do it if it was the last thing he
ever did, he vowed silently.
     "RAAANNKOOO!!!"  
     "Mmph...man, you're making enough noise t'wake the dead,
Ryoga," came a sleepy voice from below him.  
     Ryoga looked down at the source of the sound.  He blinked in
surprise.  Ranko was still snuggled in her sleeping bag.  Ryoga
nearly wept in relief.  "You're okay!" 
     Ranko yawned hugely.  "'F course I'm okay.  What time is it?"
     Ryoga beamed happily, then frowned.  "About ten, I think. 
Isn't it time we got going?"  
     Ranko stretched, catlike, half out of her sleeping bag.  Ryoga
couldn't help but stare.  For one thing the grace and unconscious
sensuality of the movement was captivating.  For another thing,
Ranko had gone to bed wearing only a t-shirt and her underwear.
     She opened her eyes and caught his stare.  Ryoga blushed and
looked away quickly.  Ranko blushed as well, and quickly pulled the
sleeping bag over herself.  "Uh...Ryoga," she asked meekly, "would
you mind...um...doing something...while I get dressed?"  
     Ryoga grinned in relief.  He'd been fearing that she'd change
right there and then.  It certainly sounded like something she'd
do, if only to embarrass him.  He took off like a rocket.
     "Don't go too far!" she shouted behind him.  "I'm making lunch
in a few hours!"  


(1)  Actually, that was something of a minor miracle.  Usually,
Ryoga took about two days to get water and come back.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma shivered.  "Man," he said.  "We've got to find a way to
get the old geezer."
     Nabiki nodded.  "Especially before he uses his third wish."
     Ranma turned to her.  "THIRD wish?"  
     Nabiki smiled.  "It's obvious, of course.  He used the first
wish to find his former students and appear here, and the second to
become invincible.  What *I'd* like to know is what he plans on
wishing for next."
     Happosai walked in the room, smoking a brand new pipe that
Soun had bought for him.  His eyes gleamed.  "Well," he confessed,
"originally I'd planned on world domination or some such silly
thing.  But then I realized that ruling the world would be so
BORING.  Besides, there's something else *much* more valuable out
there!"
     Ranma leaned towards him.  "Oh yeah?"
     Happosai's voice lowered conspiratorially.  "Over ten thousand
years ago, before Japan was even a dream in Jimmu's eyes (1), our
ancestors lived in remote areas of China, in small settlements and
tribes.  They spoke many languages, had different cultures, ate
different foods.  But one thing held them together."
     Soun raised an eyebrow.  "Um...they all lived in China,
master?"
     Happosai hit his former student on the head with his pipe. 
Soun shrieked and started to roll around, trying to put out the
small fire that had started in his hair.  "No, you idiot! 
Religion!  Religion and fear!  The two things that held them
together were religion and fear.  And the opium trade."  He paused. 
"AMONG the things that held them together were religion, fear, the
opium trade, and the Emperor. (2)"  He paused again.  "Well,
anyway, the important one is religion.  Yes, *religion* was the
binding force in their society, nay, their whole world!"  He waited
for the dramatic effect of it.  It never came.  
     Happosai cleared his throat embarassedly.  "The founding
tribes all had one myth in common.  They described an artifact of
such power, such holiness, and such divine nature that it shaped
the world, and would one day end it as well!"
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  "So you're going to wish for this
artifact?"
     Happosai beamed.  "Ah, my dear.  You're so bright and
perceptive.  Perhaps I could share that with you during a nice
cuddle--"
     "Dream on, old man!" yelled Ranma, leaping into the air.  He
twisted into a ball and struck the ceiling with a thud.  Everyone
watched as he slowly uncurled himself, just in time to hit the
floor.  Happosai laughed. 
     "Unconscious reflex," sighed Nabiki.  "How dumb can you get,
Saotome?"  Ranma shot her a glare from the floor.  
     "Er, master," said Genma in a conciliatory tone, "pardon me,
but what exactly *is* this mighty artifact?  I don't remember you
mentioning it before..."
     Happosai smoked his pipe thoughtfully.  "Ah, well, that's
because," he said casually as he tossed Mr. Saotome through the roof,
"you never paid any attention to me!!"  
     Soun glued his slightly burnt head to the floor.  "Of course,
master.  But he brings up a good point.  What *is* this holy
artifact you seek?"
     Happosai beamed.  "I'm so glad you brought that up, Soun
m'boy."  His eyes turned dreamy.  "I'm looking for the legendary
'soosakuteki na shitagi'!"
     Soun blinked.  "Surely you don't mean..."
     Happosai beamed.  "Yes!  The original panties, said to be worn
by the goddess Ameratasu herself! (3)"
     Everybody facefaulted.  "Why, just imagine!" said Happosai,
still dreamy-eyed, "The first panties ever worn!  What
magnificence!  What beauty!  Oh, my silky darlings!  My precious
little beauties!  My wonderful, magnificent, glorious panties!!" 
     "My God," added Nabiki. 


(1)  Jimmu is the legendary founder of Japan, being the first
emperor and the son of Ameratasu; the story goes that he became
Emperor with her blessing, hence the traditional name for the
Emperor, still used today: Son of Heaven.  The official Japanese
history beginning from his reign would place the Isles of the Gods
(another name for Japan) at well over 3,000 years old; more
objective standpoints place the founding of Japan at around 740
A.D.

(2)  This joke is a rip-off of Monty Python's world-famous "Spanish
Inquisition" sketch.  I forgot to include them in the credits, so
here we are (4).

(3)  Ameratasu is the sun goddess of Japanese folklore.  She also
possesses the nine regalia that represents the divine rule of the
Emperor, including a mirror, comb, sword, and other objects, but
not, to the best of my knowledge, panties.

(4)  As has been pointed out to me, the main reason I forgot to
include Monty Python in the credits is because, when I wrote
the credits, I had no idea I'd be using the sketch in my story.  Credit
for the idea goes to David, my editor.

                           *    *    *

     Two hours later, Ryoga wandered back into camp.  "Uh, hi," he
said, somewhat embarrassed, "I got some firewood."  He hefted the
small tree he'd been carrying and threw it down onto the ground.  
     Ranko gaped at him.  "Wow!  You're so strong!"  
     Ryoga blinked.  He'd been expecting her to be sarcastic,
considering she already *had* a strong fire going.  Caught off
guard, he fumbled for a response.  "Oh...I, uh, you...me...gah!" 
He smashed his head into a nearby tree at his own stupidity.  The
tree fell over.  
     Ranko watched it land with wide eyes.  Then she turned back to
him and smiled prettily.  "So how'd you find your way back?"
     Ryoga blushed again.  "I followed my nose."  He pointed to the
stew that was simmering on the fire.  "Smells good."  
     Ranko preened.  "You think so?" she said proudly.  "I made it
just for YOU!"  
     Ryoga blushed.  "I, uh..." he said in response.  He sat down
on the fallen tree.  "I never knew you could cook," he said,
changing the subject.
     Ranko nodded eagerly.  "Uh-huh!" she said.  "Daddy and Futago-
kun made me when we were training.  Daddy said it was women's
work!"
     Ryoga toucher her arm in sympathy.  "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. 
"You don't have to, you know.  I can sort of cook too...I had to
learn, wandering like I do."  
     Ranko blinked in surprise.  "Oh, don't be silly!" she said,
laughing.  "I *like* to cook!"  
     Ryoga regarded her with some surprise.  "You do?"
     "Uh-huh!"  
     Ryoga scratched his head.  "Well..." he said.  "If you *like*
it...I guess...I mean, that's okay," he finished, finally making up
his mind that it wasn't such a bad thing, after all.  To eat the
food prepared by the woman he loved?  It was heaven!
     Ranko turned back to the stew.  "Oh!" she said.  "It's ready! 
Here, take this."  She handed him a bowl and a spoon.  "Help
yourself!"  
     Ryoga took the ladle and liberally filled the bowl with the
steaming stew.  It looked delicious.  He inhaled the aroma.  He
looked back at Ranko, realizing he was forgetting his manners. 
"Aren't you going to have any?" he asked her.  
     Ranko smiled at him.  "I want to see your reaction first!"
     Ryoga wasn't sure what to make of that.  "Oh," he replied
self-consciously.  He felt nervous as he dipped the spoon into the
thick stew.  He hated being on the spot in front of her.  His
heartbeat started to increase as he raised the spoon to his lips. 
Ranko's eyes widened and her mouth opened in breathless
anticipation.  Time seemed to slow down.  He put the spoon in his
mouth.
     Ryoga nearly choked, his heart was going so fast.  It was the
best stew he'd ever tasted!!  Well, of course, that wasn't saying
all that much.  Stew was stew, after all, and there was only so
much you could do to make it taste good.  But still, it beat
anything *he* could make, hands down.  Besides, anything made by
her loving hands was more than good enough for him!  Then he
realized she was still staring at him, waiting for his reaction.
"'S wond'rf'l," he said around a mouthful.  He blushed, then
swallowed.  "I never knew stew could taste this good," he
elucidated.
     "Isn't it?  Isn't it?" asked Ranko as she bounced up and down. 
     "Uh, yes," agreed Ryoga, momentarily distracted by her
vertical movement.  He consumed a few more spoonfuls of it before
continuing thoughtfully.  "Actually, it's the best stew I've ever
tasted.  You're a wonderful cook."
     "Really?  Oh, you kidder," said Ranko, blushing, as she batted
her eyelashes at him.  
     Ryoga blinked in surprise.  "Um...yeah," he said, shrugging. 
"I'll bet you could make a living in a fancy restaurant."
     Ranko deflated a bit.  "Nope," she said.  "All I can make is
stew."  
     Ryoga blinked.  "Just stew?"
     Ranko nodded, blushing.  "Just stew."
     Ryoga shook his head.  "Why on Earth--"
     Ranko blushed an even deeper crimson.  "Daddy made me cook,"
she explained, "but he didn't teach me much.  All *he* knows how to
cook is stew, so all I learned to cook was stew."  She sighed. 
"Well, there *were* those Home Ec classes, but I never paid much
attention."
     Ryoga blinked.  "Why not?  I thought you liked cooking."
     Ranko was silent.  Then she sighed.  "Ah...let's just say that
things were different, then.  It's like I was an entirely different
person, back then."
     "Er...weren't you going to have some, now?" asked Ryoga,
hoping to change the subject from whatever seemed to be depressing
her.  
     Ranko looked startled.  "Oh!  That's right."  She took the
ladle and spooned a tiny portion of it into her bowl.  Ryoga took
seconds.
     He looked at her bowl.  "Is that all you're going to have?" he
asked, in surprise.  
     Ranko looked up at him and, again to his surprise, blushed a
beet red.  "Well," she said, "a girl's got to watch her weight, you
know."  
     Ryoga frowned.  "No, I don't think I do.  Ranko, you're a
martial artist, the same as me.  I may be bigger, and stronger..."
     "And faster, and better, and *so* much more muscular," added
Ranko, much to Ryoga's embarrassment.  "And you've got those cute
little fangs too!  Ooh, you're to *die* for!"
     "Uh...right," he said, clearing his throat.  "I guess.  BUT
you should be eating more than THAT.  It takes food to maintain a
healthy and fit body.  A lot of it, even if it's rich in proteins
like this is."
     "Oh...I suppose so," agreed Ranko reluctantly.  She spooned
another tiny amount into her bowl and beamed at him.  Ryoga sighed. 
"You know, you never tried anything funny last night," said Ranko
cheerfully as she ate a spoonful of the stew.  
     Ryoga choked on his own spoonful.  "Wh-what?" 
     Ranko eyed him innocently.  "You never once tried to pull
anything on me!  I know, 'cause I was watching."
     Ryoga dropped his spoon in shock.  It landed back in his bowl. 
"Tr-tried a-anything?" he stuttered.  
     Ranko blushed.  "Oh, *you* know," she said, waving her hands
as if to dismiss the topic.  "A girl, a boy, alone in the woods...
we *are* in the woods, aren't we?"  She looked around, as if
expecting the scenery to change into an urban diorama.
     Ryoga pounced on that as being halfway normal conversation. 
"Yes!" he said ferociously.  "Trees!  Lots!  Woods!"
     Ranko blinked.  "Ryoga, am I embarrassing you?"
     Ryoga turned pink.  "Me?  Gah?  Of course not!"
     Ranko smiled mischievously.  "That's good.  'Cause you know,
if you had wanted to, I would've let you."  
     Ryoga fainted, blood spurting from his nose.  "Eek!" cried
Ranko, as some landed near her.  She scuttled away, then looked
down at the unconscious Ryoga.  "Oh, dear," she said.  

                           *    *    *

     Ranma paced around the room.  "There's *gotta* be a way! 
Everybody's got a weak spot!"
     Nabiki smiled.  "What, even you?"
     Ranma paused.  "Uh, no, well, okay, *most* people have a weak
spot."  He resumed pacing.  "There's *gotta* be a way!  If I can
only find it!"
     Genma and Soun walked in and dumped a large stack of magazines
on the floor.  "No need to worry, boy," said Genma.  "The answer is
right here!"
     Nabiki picked up one of the magazines.  "The buxom babes of
Thailand," she read off the cover, somewhat dryly.
     "Father!" yelled Akane.  
     Soun cringed.  "Wait, wait!" said Genma.  "It's all a
misunderstanding!"
     "I'll bet," said Ranma, putting his foot in his father's face. 
     "Listen to me!" cried Mr. Tendo.  "This is Happosai's
weakness!"
     Ranma picked up a magazine.  "THIS is Happosai's weakness? 
This stuff?  But this is just--"
     Ukyou grabbed her spatula and held it next to Ranma's neck. 
"And *why* are you so interested in that, when you have me?"  
     Ranma sweated nervously.  "Uh...heh heh...uh, Ukyou..."
     Ukyou winced.  "Can't you call me Ucchan?" she begged him.  
     "Gee, it'd be so much easier to do that if my life wasn't
being threatened," Ranma said with a dazzling smile.
     "Ooh, good one," said Nabiki sarcastically.
     "Oh, okay," said Ukyou, much to everybody's disbelief, and put
her weapon away.  "So tell me, Mr. Tendo," she said.  "How are
*these* going to help us fight the old lech?"
     Genma started laughing.  "Hahaha!  Ah, little Ukyou, you've
hit it right on the nail!  The master is the biggest--ulp!"  
     Ukyou held her spatula to his neck.  "I didn't ask YOU," she
said warningly.  "I still haven't forgiven you, you bas--"
     Mr. Tendo cleared his throat.  "Yes, yes," he said.  "But
since the master is sleeping--"
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  "You mean, drunk as a skunk."
     Mr. Tendo tried to give Nabiki a withering glance.  It
backfired.  "Uh, yes," he agreed, chastened.  "Since the master is
roaring drunk right now, we have time to plan our attack."
     Akane grabbed the magazine Ranma still had in his hands.  "You
still haven't explained THESE," she said darkly.
     Mr. Tendo held up his hands.  "Those are for the master!"
     Nabiki shook her head.  "I think it's too late to give him
gifts," she said sarcastically.  
     "No, no," added Genma.  "The master has a...a weakness for
this kind of thing."
     "Actually," interrupted Soun, "the master has a weakness for
just about anything that's illegal or immoral."  
     "So," continued Genma, "although *we* can't affect him
directly, these magazines will help us defeat him!"
     "Psychological tactics?" asked Nabiki.  "It appears I
underestimated your intelligence."  She mentally raised it three
points (1).
     Ranma grabbed a stack of magazines.  "Way to go, Pop!"  He
grinned.  "Great, we've finally got a way to do it in for the old
pervert!"  
     Kasumi walked in the room with a tray and pitcher, smiling. 
"Would anybody like some tea?" she asked.  "I just made some."  
     There was an embarassed silence.  Everybody nervously grinned
at Kasumi.  "Oh, um, hi, Kasumi," began Ranma, quickly hiding the
evidence behind his back.  
     "Uh, we're kinda busy right now," continued Akane, grabbing
some off the floor and tossing them behind her back.
     "Maybe you could come back later?" asked Soun, stepping
forward on top of a half-dozen.
     "Oh, my," said Kasumi.  "I didn't mean to barge in.  Can I
help at all?  Perhaps clean up those magazines on the floor for
you?"  She smiled sweetly at them.  Everybody in the room got beads
of sweat on their heads.  
     "Ahhh, no thanks," tried Ranma.  "We're, um, sorta using them
right now.  All of them."
     "Ah, yes, Kasumi," said Mr. Tendo.  "It's nothing you have to
worry about.  Why don't you go see if the master wants some more
sake?"
     "Oh, really?" asked Kasumi, wide-eyed.  "Well...if you say
so."  Everybody let out sighs of relief.  "I guess I'll just be
going then.  Let me know if you need anything."  She turned to
leave.  
     As the door shut behind her, everybody grinned.  "Way to go,
Tendo!"  He slapped Soun on the back heartily.  Soun gave a shout
as his feet slipped off the magazines on the floor and he slammed
into the floor, kicking a magazine into the air as he did.
     The door opened again.  "Was that you shouting, father?" asked
Kasumi.  "I--"  The magazine floated down in front of her face,
spreading out conveniently to take up her field of view.
     Kasumi's eyes widened.  "Oh my," she said.  Everybody tensed
in anticipation.  "What healthy young ladies," concluded Kasumi.  

(1)  Putting it right above a chimpanzee.  Now, only dolphins and,
of course, the mice were beating him for first place in the
evolutionary scale (2).

(2)  Why mice?  You wouldn't believe me if I told you.  Read the
Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy sometime.

                           *    *    *

     Ryoga woke up light-headed, quite possibly from blood loss. 
He realized his nose was bandaged, and his head was resting
on...THOSE WEREN'T PILLOWS!  "Auuuugh!" he screamed, bolting
upright.  
     "Oh, you're awake again!" said Ranko, whose lap he had until
recently been occupying.  "I missed you!"  
     "Oh...ah..." said Ryoga.  "Good morning."  
     Ranko laughed, covering her mouth as she did.  "Oh, Ryoga,
you're so funny!"  
     Ryoga got a puzzled expression on his face.  "I am?" 
     Ranko ignored him.  "You know, I've been thinking.  It must
have been *awfully* hard for you to resist temptation last night." 
     "La-last night?" asked Ryoga.
     "Uh-huh," agreed Ranko, eyes wide and leaning closer.  "And it
showed how brave and noble you are."
     "B-brave?" asked Ryoga, leaning backwards.
     "So I've been thinking," said Ranko, as she made a circle in
his chest with a finger, "that you deserve a reward."  She leaned
in even closer and closed her eyes.
     Ryoga leapt to his feet and took a few hurried steps
backwards.  "N-no thanks!" he said.  "All in a days' work!  I mean,
a nights' play!  I mean--"
     Ranko opened her eyes and looked up at him.  "Ryoga, don't you
like me any more?"
     "Gahhhh!" yelled Ryoga, struck by her words (1).  Then he
paused.  Why *was* he acting that way?  He took a deep breath. 
"Ranko..." he said slowly, thinking at the same time.  "It's not
that.  I love you."
     "Really?" asked Ranko, her eyes shimmering, hands clasped,
gazing up at him in adoration.  
     Ryoga resisted the urge to take a step backwards.  Instead, he
smiled down at her.  "Really," he agreed.  "But...uh...I think this
is, um, going a little too fast, don't you?  I mean, I didn't even
know you a week ago...and, uh, I...uhhh...think that I should...
ummm..."
     "Get to know me better?" suggested Ranko.
     "Yes.  No!  Maybe."  Ryoga put a hand to his head.  "Not that
way, but yes, I think we *both* need to get to know each other
better.  There's some things about me you might not like to hear."
     Ranko smiled.  "Well then, don't tell me!"
     Ryoga gaped.  "Wh-what?"  
     Ranko tenderly stroked his arm.  "If I don't need to know,
don't tell me!"  
     Ryoga jumped backwards.  "Ack!  Wait, I mean, I--"  He sighed. 
"Um, sure."  He felt like a coward.  But in the end, he wasn't sure
if he *could* have told her his secret.  Not yet, anyway.  
     Ranko brightened.  "Great!  When do we start?"  
     Ryoga looked at her, puzzled.  "Start?"
     Ranko nodded.  "Start getting to know each other better!"
     Ryoga smiled nervously.  "Ah, like wh--"
     Ranko bounced up and down energetically.  "Oh, there's just
*oodles* and *oodles* of possibilities, Ryoga-kun!  The world
awaits us!  We could, um..."  She faltered.  "Oh, wait.  We're
hopelessly lost in the woods.  Well, that's out, then.  Well, we
could try...um, nope, that wouldn't work either.  Well...maybe...
no, we don't have a lute *or* a kumquat."  She sighed, then
brightened.  "I know!  We can play hide-and-go-seek!"  She looked
at Ryoga brightly.
     Ryoga blushed.  "Um," he said, hesitantly.
     Ranko blinked.  "Oh, that's right," she said, remembering who
she was talking to.  "Never mind, then," she added despondently.
     Ryoga felt his heart go out to her.  She seemed so...well, so
*pitiful* now that she had exhausted her exuberance.  He had to
help her!  "There's lots of things to do!" he said
enthusiastically, trying to think of ONE.  "We could--could--"  He
racked his brain for something to do.  "Go swimming!" he said,
beaming.  Then his smile fell completely as he realized what he'd
just said.  What on Earth was he thinking!?
     Ranko made a face.  "Swimming?  Ugh.  I *hate* swimming."
     Ryoga looked at her, puzzled.  "Really?  I thought you liked,
well, outdoorsy stuff.  Swimming, camping...things like that."
     Ranko sighed.  "Oh, outdoors is so...so...BORING!  And it gets
all wet, and sticky, and things get in your hair...oh, I could just
cry!"  And she looked like she could, too.  
     Ryoga sat down next to her and patted her on the back. 
"There, there," he said.  "We can head towards civilization again
soon."  He frowned.  "Although, that brings up an interesting
point.  Um, Ranko...where are you headed?  You know I'll help you
running away, but it's hard unless I know where you're running
TO..."
     Ranko looked startled.  "I, uh...hadn't thought that far
ahead," she admitted.  
     Ryoga sighed.  "Well, you might want to," he said.  "Trust me,
living on the road is no picnic.  Wait.  What am I saying?  You
know better than I do, don't you?"  He shook his head.  "It's so
easy to forget.  You seem like you've lived in the city all your
life, sometimes."
     Ranko looked at him.  "Ryoga, what do *you* do?"  
     Ryoga looked up, startled.  "Me?  Well...I just...I don't
know.  I sort of wander...I don't *do* much of anything, really. 
I go where the winds blow me, and come where I'm called to."
     Ranko got stars in her eyes.  "Oh!" she breathed.  "That
sounds so romantic!"  
     Ryoga smiled wanly at her.  "It's not as great as it sounds,"
he said.  "Believe me."  He hesitated.  Yesterday, he would have
gone on without a second thought, but right now, something seemed
wrong.  "Would you..."  She looked up at him expectantly.  "Would
you like to come with me?" he asked her.
     "Would I?"  Ranko started crying as she hugged him.  "Oh,
Ryoga-kun!  I'd *love* to!"
     Ryoga smiled.  But somehow, the moment wasn't as golden as he
had thought it would be. 


(1)  That's gotta hurt.  Most people use hammers, Ranko uses speech
balloons.

                           *    *    *

     "So what else did you get, Pop?" asked Ranma, as soon as the
furor over Kasumi had died down.  
     Genma grinned.  "Well," he said, bringing out a few items from
a bag.  "Let's see.  Three cases of sake...that'll keep him drunk
and out of our hair for a while...ten pairs of panties...five
bras...and thirteen live cats."
     Ranma sat up straight.  "C-cats?" he asked, suddenly
paralyzed.
     "Here, catch," said Genma, tossing a small ball of fur to his
son.  
     "Yeeaaaiiieee!!" screamed Ranma.  
     The small ball of fur grew legs and landed on Ranma's lap. 
"Meow?" it asked him.  
     "Aiiieeekkk!!" he replied coherently.  The feline ignored him,
stretching out and finding a nice, comfortable spot to sleep.  
     Suddenly, it was lifted off Ranma by the scruff of its neck. 
"Mrow!" it complained.  
     Akane looked at it flatly before turning back to Mr. Saotome. 
"And just *how* is scaring Ranma going to help?" she asked him
acerbically.
     "Y-Yeah!  H-How?" added Ranma, still shivering.  
     Genma smiled.  "Well, you see," he explained.  "Ranma's fear
of cats is linked to his ability to use the Cat-Fu."
     "I know that," snapped Akane.  Ukyou just looked back and
forth between Genma, Akane, the kitten and Ranma with a bewildered
expression on her face.  She reached out and absently petted a
nervous Ranma on the head, calming him down.  She started to
scratch him behind the ears.  He relaxed unconsciously at her
touch.
     Genma shook his head.  "You don't know the full story," he
said.  "Ranma can only use the Cat-Fu when so deeply frightened of
cats..." he lowered his voice, "...that he *becomes* one!"
     Ukyou raised an eyebrow.  "Oh so?"  
     Nabiki turned to her.  "Ranma's dad tortured him as a baby and
gave him aurilophobia."  
     "You don't say," said Ukyou, tossing three sharpened spatulas
in Mr. Saotome's direction.  Genma dodged as nimbly as a panda, 
which is to say not at all.  He ended up cowering on the floor and 
picking himself up cautiously.  
     "So how is the Cat-Fu going to help us?" asked Akane.  
     Genma smiled.  "That's the beauty of it," he responded.  "The
Cat-Fu was designed especially for situations like this."
     "Being held prisoner by a crazy lecher with a magic lamp?"
wondered Nabiki out loud.  
     Genma ignored her.  "By channelling your positive emotions
into your Ki, and then sending that Ki through a focus point in
your outstretched fingers, you charge the air with Ki force.  It
then spirals around, curving like your fingers, charging other
nearby air currents in symmetry until the very atmosphere itself
becomes a deadly weapon against your foe!"  He threw two kittens on
Ranma.  Ranma shrieked.  Everybody ignored Ranma this time.
     "There's only one problem," commented Genma, as he absently
put another five kittens on Ranma.  
     "Problem?" asked Akane, as she put the kitten she was still
holding back on the ground.  It walked over to Ranma and, purring,
settled down for a nap on his shin.
     "Yes," agreed Genma.  "When he slips into cat form, he really
thinks he's a cat.  He forgets that he ever was human."
     "So," said Nabiki, "in other words, he's not going to have any
reason to attack Happosai."
     "Well...uh..." replied Genma.
     "I don't *believe* this!" yelled Akane.

                           *    *    *

     Ryoga stole a glance at Ranko as they hiked on.  She noticed
and, with a smile, posed for him, showing off her assets (1). 
Ryoga frowned; he couldn't help himself.  
     Ranko's smile slipped.  "Ryoga-kun...what's wrong?  You
haven't been talking to me all day.  Now you're not even smiling at
me any more."  She started to cry.  "What did I do?  What did I do
to you to make you hate me so much?"  
     Ryoga swooned.  He vaguely felt his knees crashing to the
ground, but it felt distant, like he was seeing someone else do it
far away, not a part of himself.  He felt an icy sword pierce his
heart and set it on fire with pain that was both cold and hot at
the same time.  He tried to speak, but felt something choking him. 
He realized it was his own tears that he was swallowing.  He
blinked his eyes to clear them.  Her tear-struck face came into
focus.  He instantly regretted his action.  Grasping hold of a
nearby tree for support--which bent under the pressure--he
staggered back to his feet.
     "R-ranko..." he murmured.  "I'm sorry..."  How could he tell
her how he felt?  How could he not?  "It's not you...it's me..." 
Ranko didn't say anything.  He knew she was there, though, from her
sniffles and sobs.  He couldn't stand it any more.  How could he
hurt her this way, and still call himself a man?  
     "Aarrgh!" he shouted.  Instantly, all noise ceased in the
clearing.  All the birds fell silent, the rustling of the forest,
all gone.  Then Ryoga realized that Ranko's sniffling had also
ceased.  He glanced at her.  She was shivering frantically, staring
at him with wide eyes filled with fear.  
     "Umm..." he said.  "Ranko...I...um...are you *scared* of me??" 
     She took a step backwards, then, after a moment's hesitation,
a step forwards again.  "Y-yes," she admitted.  
     Ryoga stared.  "Why?"  
     "I d-don't k-know," cried Ranko as she suddenly dissolved into
tears.  
     Ryoga held her.  But he couldn't help but feel something was
wrong.  "Were you afraid I would leave you?" he asked.  
     Ranko nodded.  "Mm-hm," she responded.  "And..."
     Ryoga prompted her gently.  "And...?"
     Ranko sniffed.  "And I was afraid you'd hit me."
     Ryoga stepped back, stung.  That was an insult--no, more than
an insult, that showed how little she really knew him.  But,
wait...it was something else, too...
     Ryoga grabbed Ranko by the shoulders.  "Ranko," he said in all
earnest, "I *never* hit girls.  And if I seem angry sometimes, it's
because I *do* have a temper.  But I don't *like* hurting people." 
He waited until she nodded, then continued.  "You're one of the
best martial artists I've ever seen, Ranko.  You're just as good as
Ranma is.  I'll bet you could beat me in a fight."  He got a wry
look on his face.  "Well, half the time, anyway."  He smiled.  "So
just *why* were you afraid of me?"  His smile disappeared, replaced
by a frown.  He shook her.  
     "Umm..." she said, clearly afraid.  
     Ryoga's frown grew grimmer.  Then he smiled and let go of her. 
"Ranko, just for me, would you show me a flying kick?  I've always
wanted to learn how to do that."
     Ranko blinked.  "Oh, ummm, well, I don't really like fighting
much," she said.  
     Ryoga gave her his best smile.  "That's okay.  We wouldn't be
fighting, just sparring."  
     Ranko hesitantly nodded.  "Well...I *guess* so...if you want
me to..."
     Ryoga swallowed.  He hated himself for what he was about to
do.  "Gee, Ranko," he said casually, "actually, what I *really*
want to do is get married and raise a family, with you making my
dinner and cleaning my clothes and being a good, traditional wife." 
     Ranko beamed.  "R-really?"  She hugged Ryoga happily, all
traces of her tears gone.  "Oh, Ryoga-kun!"
     Ryoga forced himself to smile.  "And I'd do all the work, and
you'd raise the children and stay at home, making me dinner.  That
sounds fair, doesn't it?"  
     Ranko nodded eagerly.  Ryoga sighed, grabbed hold of her, and
threw her in a Judo throw down to the ground.  The sudden impact
knocked the wind out of her and she lay there, stunned.  
     "Alright," growled Ryoga, "who are you and what have you done
with the *real* Ranko Saotome?"


(1)  For those of you who've read "An Akane To Forget", Yes, I mean
it exactly the way it sounds.  This isn't a bad pun this time.

                           *    *    *

     Without waiting for a reply, Ryoga showed her his fist.  Then
he punched the ground next to her.  A small crater formed, spewing
debris everywhere.  Ranko screamed.  He turned back to her.  "You
see that?  THAT'S what will happen to you unless you tell me he
truth."  
     Ranko froze.  "B-but I-I'm the r-real R-Ranko," she blurted. 
     Ryoga crossed his arms.  "Prove it."
     "How?" asked Ranko, confused and afraid.  
     Ryoga was taken aback slightly.  "Uh...well...er...I don't
know..."  He caught hold of himself.  "Well, you're not Ranko,
that's for sure."
     Ranko blinked at him.  "I'm not?"
     Ryoga shook his head.  "The *real* Ranko isn't that feminine."
     Ranko's eyes widened.  "Oh, is that what's wrong--what's been
bothering you all this time?  I can be butch, Ryoga!"  
     Ryoga shook his head again.  "The *real* Ranko isn't weak."
     Ranko smiled tentatively.  "Um, I can be strong...really--if
that's what you want, I can do it!"
     Ryoga shook his head a third time.  "The *real* Ranko isn't so
conciliatory."
     Ranko smiled.  "Oh, don't worry, Ryoga.  If you don't want me
to change for you, I won't--wait a second..."
     Ryoga reached into his backpack and threw something at her. 
"The *real* Ranko is afraid of cold water."  Ranko caught the
object out of reflex.  It was a water balloon.  It burst, showering
her with cold water.  Ryoga was well away from her.  
     "Wh-what?" she sputtered.  "Ryoga!"  
     Ryoga's eyes widened.  "You mean you're *not* Ranko, after
all?"
     Ranko turned red.  "I keep telling you, *I'm* Ranko!"
     Ryoga blinked.  "That's odd.  I thought you had a Jhusenkyou
curse."
     Ranko blinked.  "I do--wait, how'd *you* know about--"
     Ryoga snapped his fingers.  "Ah!"  Ranko shut up.  He turned
to her.  "I see.  If it isn't *cold* water...then..."  He pulled
out two canteens.  He opened the first one and looked in.  "Cold,"
he said, putting that one aside.  When he opened the second one,
steam immediately billowed forth.  "Hot," he said, smiling.  He
turned to Ranko, who was beginning to back away.  
     "Oh no, you don't," he told her, grabbing her arm.  He smiled
reassuringly at her.  "Ranko, please.  I want to tell you
something."  She blinked, then nodded.  He smiled.  "Ranko...I
think I understand now.  Your curse...how you feel about me.  And
why you did what you did.  But...I don't love you for your body. 
I love you for being who you are."
     Ranko grabbed him happily in a hug, showering him with kisses
and nearly spilling his canteen in the process.  Ryoga flailed
backwards.  "Yeaagh!" he yelled.  "No!  Wait!  Not you!"  He tried
to elucidate.  "I love you for who you are, but the you that you
are isn't the you that I love."
     Ranko looked up at him confusedly.  "Not me?" she asked in a
small voice, eyes wide and brimming with tears.
     Ryoga took a step back from her.  "No, not you," he said. 
"Ranko--or whatever you call yourself--you're not who I fell in
love with.  You *look* like her...you've got the same memories--but
you're not my Ranko.  The Ranko I love is independent, strong,
sarcastic, slightly embarrassing to be around, and to me, the most
beautiful girl in the world."
     Ranko opened her mouth.  "*I* can--"
     Ryoga hurried on.  "No, Ranko.  I don't want your love this
way," he said to her.  "I don't want it forced.  I don't want you
to sacrifice yourself for me.  I think I finally understand what
you meant when you told me sayonara.  'We'll never meet again'. 
You were hoping I'd be happy with you like this, and you knew your
'other half' would be happy with me.  It wouldn't make me happy,
Ranko; my happiness comes from yours.  I'm sorry, but I'm going to
be selfish.  I want you to be free...even if it means you won't
love me any more--and even if you hate me for it.  I...I'm sorry,
Ranko."   He threw the contents of the canteen at her.  She
screamed as scalding water washed over her.  Ryoga turned away 
sadly.  "Sayonara, Ranko-chan," he said to her, then walked
away from her.  

                           *    *    *

     Ranko stared in shock.  Every time she came out of her curse,
she suffered from the experience.  And she had almost never been in
her cursed form for that long.  She shivered.  
     Usually, she wanted to kill a boy--or more than one--for what
they'd done to her during that time.  Even knowing it wasn't really
their fault, Ranko felt the need to lash out at *someone* for what
had happened to her.  She felt violated.  Except...she didn't,
really...not this time.  
     She'd been around Ryoga, alone, for longer than she had ever
done something like that before.  And he hadn't taken advantage of
her--not once.  He'd been the perfect gentleman.  
     What's more, he'd tried to help her, tried to make her happy. 
He'd wanted to heal her, wanted to be with her so she wouldn't
become sad and lonely.  He sacrificed his own happiness so that she
would be happy with him.  And finally, he had sacrificed his own
happiness again so that she could be free.  
     He was the perfect man for her.  He was strong, noble and
brave.  He was altruistic, honest, and kind.  He was even empathic
and insightful; how else could he have figured out so much about
her?  He was intelligent, and caring, and enduring.  He was all
those things and more.
     And...he was walking out of her life.  Ranko came to herself
with a start.  "Ryoga-kun!!" she shouted, lunging forward, tears
flying from her face, not caring about anything else but reaching
him, stopping him from leaving her.  He turned around as if he was
in slow-motion.  Then again, perhaps he was; everything seemed to
be moving slowly.  His face showed surprise, then hope, then
finally happiness as she threw her arms around him and kissed him
deeply.  
     But Ranko had missed something.  On her lunge forward, she had
hit a blunt object with her foot.  Had either been paying
attention, they could have easily prevented that from becoming
dangerous.  But as it was, both were too enraptured in each other
to notice a small canteen, rocking on its sides, twirling like a
top, finally tipping over and spilling its cold contents out
towards the pair.  
     By some happy circumstance, it diverted just enough to miss
the young girl.  Instead, the cold water quickly found its mark in
the young man she was kissing with all her might.  There was a loud
splash.
     Ranko felt her arms wrap around nothing, felt the man she
loved shrinking in her arms, and opened her eyes in shock--just
fast enough to catch the little piglet as it threatened to fall
from where it was still kissing her.  She caught it by the bandanna
around its neck, then lifted it up to her eye.  
     Ranko stared at it dully.  "Oh," she said flatly, all emotion
gone from her voice.  "Ryoga was Ryo-chan all this time.  How
ironic."  Ryo-chan gave a little piggy squeal of dismay (1).  
     Ranko sighed.  "You know," she said to her rapt audience, "I
just don't have the strength to get angry over this any more." 
Ryo-chan gave another, muted squeal.  
     Ranko shrugged.  "Oh, well," she said, and threw the small
black piglet over her shoulder and into the trees.  


(1)  You all know the one I'm talking about.  It's the one which
sounds almost exactly like somebody with a high-pitched voice
saying "uh-oh!".  

                           *    *    *

     Ryoga wandered into the blackness.  It suited his mood.  He
couldn't remember where he had gone, or how long it had been, or
even how he had transformed back into his human self again.  He had
the weight of depression on his back, slowly crushing him into the
dirt.  He looked up and howled into the starless black sky, a cry
of pure pain and misery.  It seemed to echo all around him.  Ryoga
fell down onto his hands and knees and sobbed.  
     Finally, when he could stand it no longer, he got back up.  He
had to keep moving, keep going on, until he was too tired to keep
going.  He had to do *something* to keep away the pain.  But he
felt so helpless.  He smashed his fist into the darkness.  There
was a large crash.  
     "I HATE MY LIFE!!" he yelled.  It seemed to echo all around
him again.  
     "Well, you're not doing that much for mine, either," came a
voice from behind him.  
     Ryoga spun in a circle.  "Who's there?" he asked the darkness.
     "What's in a name?" asked the darkness.  "Speaking of which,
what's yours?"  Suddenly a figure stepped forward, and Ryoga could
barely make out an old Chinese man standing in front of him holding
a dim lantern.  
     Ryoga blinked away tears.  "Ryoga," he said dully.  "Ryoga
Hibiki."
     "Well, Ryoga Ryoga Hibiki," said the old man, swiftly bopping
the youngster on the head with his cane, "you've just trapped us
both down here."
     Ryoga felt his head and looked at the old man.  "What do you
mean?" he asked.  
     The old man pointed his cane in a direction.  Ryoga looked,
but couldn't see anything.  "I don't see anything," he commented.
     The old man sighed.  "That *was* the way out of the mine. 
It's a bit hard to see through it now due to the several tons of
stone covering it now."
     Ryoga started.  "Mine?  We're in a mine?"
     The old man sighed again and looked up.  "Why me?" he asked. 
He turned back to Ryoga.  "Yes, young-man-with-a-death-wish, we're
in a mine, and you've just sealed the entrance with a cave-in."
     Ryoga blinked.  "Oh," he said.  
     The old man waited.  Ryoga didn't say anything.  "That means
we're both going to die," explained the old man.
     "Yes," agreed Ryoga.  
     "Well!?" yelled the old man.  "Aren't you going to *do*
something about it!?"  He hit Ryoga on the head repeatedly with his
cane.  
     "Ow!  Why should I?  Ow!  I deserve to die!  Ow!  Stop that!" 
     The old man stopped.  "And what would make you say something
like that, Ryoga Ryoga Hibiki?"  
     Ryoga fumbled for an answer.  He didn't want to relive his
shame.  "I...Ranko...she..."
     The old man smiled.  "Ah," he nodded.  "A young lady, a girl
perhaps?  Young love.  How sweet.  How noble.  How stupid!"  He hit
Ryoga on the head with his cane again.
     "Ow!  What do you mean, stupid?"  Ryoga glared at him.
     The old man sighed.  "Well, Ryoga Ryoga Hibiki, since I have
nothing better to do with the remaining hours of my life, I might
as well spend them talking with you.  Yes, it's stupid, you idiot! 
There's no reason anybody should die before their time.  Least of
all me."  He glared at the young man in front of him.  "And don't
even *think* of saying your time has come.  That's even stupider." 
He poked Ryoga in the chest with the point of his cane.  
     "Then how can you know when your time has come?" asked Ryoga.
     "You'll know," said the old man ominously.  "There's no way of
knowing beforehand when it'll happen, but you'll know it when it
does.  Your vision will seem that much sharper, your hearing better
than you could imagine, and all your problems will become
ridiculously easy to solve.  Everything in the past will seem far
away and unimportant, but the present will seem sharper and crisper
than you've ever known it.  And the only thing you'll care about is
doing that one last thing which will mean your death."
     "Oh," said Ryoga in a strangled voice.  "On second thought,
I'd rather not know the answer to that question."
     The old man snorted.  "That's because you," he said, poking
Ryoga with every word, "are a stupid little boy."  He put down the
cane.
     "Do you ever use that thing for anything *besides* hitting
people?" asked Ryoga irritatedly.  
     The old man raised an eyebrow.  "Why would I?  I'm not lame." 
Ryoga facefaulted.  "As I was saying," the old man continued,
"there's no reason you should die.  The beauty of young love is
that it's young, like the name implies.  You get lots of chances to
make mistakes.  I made more than my share with my late wife, for
example, but we ended up married for forty-seven years."
     Ryoga blinked.  "Oh, so you two became happily wedded through
perseverance and hope?"
     The old man shook his head.  "What, are you crazy?  We fought
day and night!  Stupidest decision I ever made, to marry that
woman!"  He grinned at Ryoga.  "But that's not the point.  Did
this, what was it, this *Ranko*, did she *tell* you to kill
yourself, now?"
     Ryoga was taken aback.  "Well, not as such--"
     The old man jabbed him with the cane again.  "Then how do you
know she wants you dead?  Have you considered what she'd say if she
found out you'd killed yourself over her?"  
     Ryoga's eyes widened.  "No, I haven't..."
     The old man poked him again.  "Have you even given any thought
that you should apologize to her?  Say goodbye to her?  Try to make
it up to her, make your peace with her--by living, rather than
dying and leaving her with more pain?  She might need your help
right this moment, and what are you doing?  Why aren't you by her
side?"
     "Ack!" replied Ryoga.  "What the heck was I thinking?"  
     The old man smiled.  "Well, good.  I'm glad you agree with me. 
Because *I* don't want to die.  Now, get us out of here!"
     Ryoga blinked.  "Er, how do I do that?" he asked.  
     The old man stared.  "What, *you* don't know?"
     Ryoga stared back.  "You mean, you don't either?"  He got
angry.  "Then what was the point of getting my hopes up?" he
yelled.  
     The old man sighed.  "Calm down, calm down, young man.  There
is yet one possibility remaining to us."
     Ryoga blinked.  "What's that?"
     The old man leaned forward conspiratorially.  "Have you ever
heard of the Shishi Houkoudan?" he asked.  

                    End of Episode Seventeen