*    *    *


                        Ranma Ichibunnoni
                         Episode Eleven


                  "I'll Make a Man Out of You."

                           *    *    *

     "Sh...Sh...Shampoo!"  Ranko froze.  
     The blue-haired Chinese girl stepped out of the rubble she had
made of the wall and focused her blazing gaze on Ranko.  "I kill!"
she shouted, diving forward with both bonbori (1).  
     Ranko quickly spun into the air, kicking out in a wide circle. 
Shampoo landed well away and immediately spun low beneath her
opponent's defence, raising her bonbori in an upwards attack to
catch her foe landing.  
     "What?" asked Akane, somewhat belatedly.
     Ranko was not a novice at midair fighting, however.  The
Saotome school was renowned for midair techniques, and she made
good use of them by using the wall to change her trajectory,
landing on her feet well away from the crazed Amazon.  She spun and
lashed out with a two-fisted attack.  
     "Hey, what's going on here?" asked Akane.
     Shampoo blocked Ranko's punches with her bonbori, crossed
lengthwise.  She then kicked upwards while falling back, hoping the
combination would catch her target in the chin.  Ranko grabbed hold
of Shampoo's foot and let herself be dragged along with it, ending
up in midair over Shampoo, where she let go and kicked downwards. 
     "Haven't we been through this already today?" tried Akane.
     Shampoo rolled, lashing upwards with both bonbori, smashing
their ends together where Ranko's vulnerable ankle was.  Except
that Ranko hadn't reacted as she had expected.  Instead of
continuing her attack when she had the advantage, the girl had run
off!  Shampoo angrily got up and dusted herself off.  There!  She
saw Ranko's form flit through the hole she'd made when she came in.
     "Can I help you?" asked Akane exasperatedly.
     Shampoo growled at her fleeing target and ran out through the
wall, pausing only to smash a Shampoo-sized hole in it first.
     Ranma stood on the other side, surprised to see a Chinese girl
apparently attacking him.  First Ranko had run past him faster than
he'd ever seen her run before, then this.  Well, Ranma had never
been one to pull his punches against girls (2).  He reached out and
slammed his fist into her chin as she rushed past him, trying to
catch up to her now-absent quarry.  
     Akane and the others quickly rushed into the hallway.  "Oh,
my!" said Kasumi.  Genma said it for all of them with his sign. 
'Knockout!'  They all nodded.  
     "NO!" yelled Ranko, jumping back down from the ceiling where
she'd been hanging.

(1)  A bonbori is a kind of mace, consisting of a spiked handle and
a balloon-like extrusion.  Supposedly, the balloon is actually very
hard and dangerous, but it looks just like Shampoo's trying to Nerf
somebody to death.

(2)  In our universe, he is.  But when you grow up with a twin
sister who's just as good as you and who takes delight in beating
you to a pulp any chance you get, you soon learn not to pull your
punches against the fairer sex.

                           *    *    *

     "No?" asked Ranma, somewhat confused.  
     "You dope!" she yelled.  "Why did you beat her up!?"  
     Ranma scratched his head.  "Gee, I dunno.  Maybe 'cause she
was trying to kill you?"  
     "Ranma, you jerk!  Don't you recognize her?"  Everyone turned
to Ranma.  He sweated and looked down at the unconscious girl.  
     "Uh...should I?" he asked.  "I mean, she's cute and all,
but..."
     Ranko slammed his head into the wall.  "That's Shampoo!"  
     Akane looked at her.  "No, I think that's a girl."  
     Ranko shook her head.  "No, no.  I mean, her *name* is
Shampoo."  Nabiki cocked an eyebrow.  Ranko glared at her.  "I'm
serious!"  
     "Okay, so this is Shampoo," Ranma said.  "So what's the
problem?  You got a thing against bathroom products?"  
     Ranko imbedded his head into the wall.  "You dope!  Just how
short *is* your memory?  We spent half the time we were in China
running away from her!"  
     Akane looked back and forth between the two of them.  Genma
started to sneak off.  Akane reached out and grabbed him.  "Oh, no,
you don't," she said darkly.  
     Ranko turned to the others.  "What Ranma seems to have
forgotten is that Shampoo's an Amazon."  
     "An Amazon?" asked everybody, except Ranma, who smacked his
fist into his palm.
     "Oh yeah!" he said, "One of those Joanzoozabu...um...
Jeezuscthulu...um..."  
     "Joketsuzoku!"
     "Yeah, whatever.  That tribe of Amazon women near Jhusenkyou." 
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow again.  "Oh, really?  Ranma, what
were you doing in a village of Amazon women?"
     Ranma turned red.  "Hey!  It wasn't my fault!  We were
hungry!"  
     Ranko buried her face in her hands.  "Hungry, he says.  Your
hunger nearly got us killed, you big fat pig!"  
     "Well, I didn't see you skimping on the food!  Heck, you were
eating like there was no tomorrow!"  
     "Um...HEY," said Akane, waving a hand in between the twins. 
"What *did* happen?  Ranma?"  
     Ranma blushed.  "Well...er...we were hiking through mainland
China and we were starving...the usual, basically...and we came to
this village where they were having some dumb martial arts contest. 
Well...er..."
     Ranko continued dryly.  "We ate their first prize."  
     Akane started giggling.  Ranma turned on her.  "Hey!  It
wasn't funny!  They were going to kill us!"  
     Ranko sighed.  "And they would have, too, if I hadn't
volunteered to fight their champion for it.  Or, perhaps I should
say," her gaze turned to Genma and turned into a glare, "I was
volunteered."  
     The panda put up a sign.  'I'm innocent!'  Nobody believed him
in the slightest.  Ranma and Ranko kicked him in unison.
     Ranma turned back to the others.  "Ranko won, of course.  But
then this champion of theirs--Shampoo--came over and kissed her."
     Akane's hair stood on end as she turned to stare at Ranko. 
Everybody else seemed to be doing the same thing.  "Wait--wait,
it's not like that!" said Ranko, putting up her hands.  "When an
Amazon kisses you, it's a promise to hunt you down to the ends of
the Earth and kill you!"  
     Akane raised her eyebrows.  "And now she's followed you all
the way to Japan."  
     Ranko started running in circles.  "What am I gonna do?  She
just doesn't give up!  If I beat her again, it'll only make her
angrier!  And if I ever lose--that girl plays for keeps!"  
     Ranma started to step back.  "Waitasec," he said nervously. 
"*I* just beat her..."
     Ranko bopped him on the head.  "That's what I was telling you,
you idiot!"  
     Just before another fight between the two could begin, a low
murmur came from the floor.  Rather, it came from a young girl
lying on the floor, who was just waking up.
     Ranko shrieked and ran into the kitchen, slamming the door
behind her.  The sound of furniture being moved came from behind
it.  Ranma backed up.  Shampoo stood up and fixed her gaze on him. 
     "Ran...ma," she said, advancing on him, eyes staring straight
at his.  Ranma froze, like a deer caught in headlights.
     "Sh-shampoo!" he yelled desperately.  "It was an accident!  I
didn't mean it!  I didn't beat you!  I got lucky!"
     Shampoo pounced on him, grabbing him around the neck and
pulling him in towards her waiting...lips?  Akane blinked.  Shampoo
was kissing him passionately.  Akane got angry.  
     Nabiki smiled in that way she had.  "Gee, I guess he *did* get
lucky."  Soun started to wail again.  
     Akane reached out and smashed Ranma in the head with one of
Shampoo's fallen bonbori.  "JUST WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING?!?" she screamed at him.  Ranma fell over.
     Shampoo turned to Akane, her adoring look turning to a glare. 
Akane glared back.  Everybody stepped back as battle auras began to
flare around both girls.  Then Akane spun around.  She stepped
forward, then paused and turned her head back toward Ranma.  "As
far as I'm concerned, Ranma, our engagement *never happened*!!" 
Akane stormed out of the room.  There was silence in her wake.
     Mr. Tendo turned to Ranma, who was just getting up.  Shampoo
reattached herself to him.  "Ai lan," she murmured.  
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow as she thumbed through a Chinese-
Japanese dictionary.  "My love," she translated.  Mr. Tendo turned
into his demon head and glared holes in Ranma.  Shampoo gazed at
Ranma with adoration.
     Ranma shook his head.  "Oh, man," he said.  "I'm *not*
sticking around for this."  He ran through one of the holes in the 
newly-renovated wall into the kitchen.  
     "Ai lan!" yelled Shampoo.  She ran after him.  
     There was a pause.  
     "I KILL!!" yelled Shampoo.  A bonbori crashed through the wall
into the hallway, followed quickly by Ranko running at full speed. 
     "AAAAAAHHHH!" she screamed, covering her head and diving
behind Genma.  Shampoo walked in, waving her remaining bonbori
angrily.  Ranko tried to sneak out of the room.  Nabiki absently
noted that the girl was good at it.  That suggested something that
Nabiki could blackmail her for.  She smiled.  
     Then Ranko stepped on a creaky board.  Shampoo's eyes darted
towards her, and Ranko ran.  "DIE!" yelled Shampoo, chasing after
her.  The sound of furniture smashing came from the living room.
     Ranma peeked inside, then walked in.  "Phew," he said.  "That
Shampoo's pretty tenacious."  He paused.  "Although she's cute,
too," he admitted.
     Ranko ran back inside and slapped her brother on the shoulder
as she ran past him into the kitchen.  "You're it," she hurriedly
added as she slammed the door.  Ranma blinked.
     "You know," commented Nabiki to no one in particular,
"slamming the door seems a bit useless at this point, doesn't it?"
     A second later, Shampoo's bonbori smashed through the door,
coming within an inch of Ranma's face.  He grinned nervously as she
stepped through the now-open door.  "Never mind," said Nabiki.
     Shampoo paused, confused, then jumped into Ranma's arms.  "Ai
lan," she sighed.  Ranma fell backwards under the added weight, and
Shampoo took advantage of her position to cuddle up to him.  Nabiki
admiringly wondered if she could take some lessons from the Amazon
girl sometime.
     Just as Ranma was beginning to enjoy his predicament, he
noticed Mr. Tendo.  This was not unusual.  By the time Ranma
noticed him, Mr. Tendo had become nothing but a giant, raving head
of doom.  People in neighbouring districts noticed him.  And
usually hid under their beds immediately afterwards.
     "RAANNMMAAA!"  

                           *    *    *    

     Ranko shivered.  Ranma patted her on the back.  "Don't be
scared," he said.  "It's not for long." 
     Ranko absently poked his eyes in.  "I'm *not* scared!" she
complained.  "I'm freezing!"  
     The two twins were sitting on top of the roof of the dojo,
possibly the only place they could both avoid the depredations of
Shampoo and their host.  
     Nabiki poked her head above the roof, holding onto the ladder
beside it.  She saw the twins and climbed up.  "Hey, you two," she
said.  "Isn't it a bit chilly to be up here at night?"  
     Ranko nodded.  Nabiki smiled.  "Well then, why don't you come 
on down?"  
     Ranko snorted.  "Oh, sure, Nabiki.  And get killed in my
sleep?  I'd rather die!"  She paused.  "Wait a second, that doesn't
make sense..."  
     Nabiki's smile never faltered.  "What if I told you there was
a way to deal with Shampoo?"  
     Ranko's eyebrows rose.  "From the bottom of the deck?"  
     Ranma shrugged.  "Ahh, I'm sure we can stand her for a wh--
oof," he finished.  
     Ranko had elbowed him in the stomach.  "Thanks for the vote of
support, *Bro*," she added sarcastically.  "In case you forgot, I'm
in danger for my life here?  The most *you* have to worry about is
your virginity."  
     Nabiki shrugged before Ranma could retort.  "Not quite."  Both
twins turned back to her.  "I'll tell you, but it'll cost you." 
     Ranko blinked.  "Isn't that a bit mercenary?" 
     Nabiki's smile grew.  "Not 'a bit'.  Of course it is."  
     Ranko's fingers made a fist.  "Why, you--" 
     Nabiki cupped her hands to her mouth.  "Oh, Shampoo?"  
     Ranko's hands flew to her side and she winced involuntarily. 
"Okay, okay.  How much?"  
     Nabiki mentally added on the price tag of threatening her, as
she always did when facing violent customers.  "Ten thousand yen." 
     Ranko nearly exploded.  "Ten thousand yen!?  Nabiki, I don't
even have a thousand yen to my name!!"  
     Nabiki smiled again.  "That's alright.  You can owe it to me. 
I charge six percent interest."  Ranko sighed and nodded.  Nabiki
grinned.  Ranko obviously wasn't any better than her brother at
finances, or she would have asked how *often* that six percent was
applied.  Nabiki liked weekly compound interest.  It livened things
up a little.  
     "So spill it already, Nabiki," said Ranko, the evening chill
once again catching up with her.  
     "It's simple," said Nabiki.  "Shampoo's looking for a girl,
right?  All you need to do is become a boy!"  
     Nabiki expected that most normal people would raise an
eyebrow, if not an objection to that.  She was surprised when Ranko
and Ranma simultaneously turned to each other.  "Of course!" they
said in stereo.
     Then Ranko's shoulders slumped.  "But I haven't even tried
once since I was twelve..." she moaned.  
     Nabiki's curiosity was not only sparked, it was kindled into
a bonfire.  "What are you two talking about?" she asked them.
     "Hey, *you're* the one who brought it up," Ranma grinned.
     Ranko sneezed.  Nabiki looked around her.  "Come on," she
said.  "You two can tell me the whole story inside where it's warm,
while we're turning you into the most handsome boy in Nerima."  

                           *    *    *

     Nabiki critically examined Ranko's clothes.  They were the
same sort Ranma was wearing, only...no, wait.  They *were* the same
as the ones Ranma was wearing.  Nabiki would swear that they were
even the same size.  That would explain a few things.  Ranma always
seemed to prefer tight outfits that showed off his physique, while
the smaller but shapelier Ranko liked loose sleeves and rolled-up
pants, and often tied her shirt into knots.  Nabiki had thought it
was a fashion statement, but looking at them both, it could very
well just be to keep them taut rather than hanging loose.  Which
would only make sense, if they were actually wearing the same
things.
     "Off with the shirt," she commanded.  All three of them were
now in Nabiki's room, Nabiki having told Shampoo that Ranma was
downtown for the evening.  On the bed were various odd-looking
pieces of equipment.  Ranko shrugged and shucked off her shirt. 
Nabiki knew better than to be surprised when neither sister nor
brother reacted in the slightest to this.  However, something else
made her pause.
     "You don't wear a bra?"
     Ranko shrugged.  "Never saw much point to it."  
     Nabiki frowned.  "Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?" 
     Ranko shook her head.  "Nope.  Mom died when we were two."  
     Nabiki nodded.  She started unwrapping a roll of bandages,
gauging how much she'd need.  "That explains a few things."
     Ranko nodded as Nabiki started unrolling the gauze around her
torso.  "Yeah.  Well, like I said, I used to look like a guy."  
     Nabiki paused.  "Ranma, could you give me a hand here?"  She
held out the gauze for him to hold tight while she wrapped the
other end.  
     "Pop is really cheap," Ranko continued.
     "Not to mention dumb," added Ranma.
     "And chauvinistic."
     "And sloppy..."
     "Hold it!  Hold it!" said Nabiki.  "I think you've made your
point that your father leaves something to be desired.  But what
does that have to do with this?"  
     "Ah," coughed Ranko.  She was blushing.  "Well, anyway, there
he was, penniless, on the road, and with two kids to take care of. 
He wasn't exactly the greatest of parents."  
     Nabiki nodded absently.  "Thanks, Ranma," she said as she
fastened the bandage in place around Ranko's breasts.  "You can put
your top on again," she told Ranko.  "Oh, and put these shoulder
pads in, too."
     "That hurts," complained Ranko, feeling the bandage around her
chest.  
     "Get used to it," retorted Nabiki.  "It's your own fault for
being so well endowed."  
     Ranko started getting angry.  "How in the world is that *my*-"
     Nabiki started undoing the knots in the shirt.  "Genetics. 
Hmm...you're a bit short for a guy.  I've got some platform shoes
you can wear.  Of course, that'll cost you extra.  Anyway, you were
saying?"
     Ranko paused, confused.  Then she shrugged.  "Pop had to buy
clothes, and food, and shelter and all that junk, and he was
already stretched pretty thin.  So since we were twins, he didn't
think too much of saving yen where he could.  Like clothing and
haircuts and whatever else.  Thank God we were out of diapers by
then."
     Nabiki finished untying the knots Ranko had made in her
clothes and began to loosen the clothes, letting them hang out in
strategic locations until it became difficult to distinguish much
of what lay underneath.  She tightened others, tying a cord around
Ranko's waist as a belt and making sure the sleeves and neck were
tightly closed.  
     "Until I was twelve, Ranma and I shared the same clothes, ate
the same food, went to the same schools, shared baths--all just to
save money.  And we didn't care, really."  Ranko smiled.
     "It was kinda funny, actually," added Ranma.  "People kept
thinking we were identical twins."  
     "Yeah.  Well--anyway, when I turned twelve, Pop realized that,
ah, certain 'things' were beginning to happen, and he couldn't
treat us the same any more."  She grinned.  
     Nabiki took out her scissors and made a few alterations to
Ranko's hair.  
     "Actually, I think Pop chickened out.  He always gets so weird
around feminine hygiene and stuff."  Ranko grinned savagely.  "It's
kinda fun, teasing him."  She sneezed involuntarily as hair fell
down around her face.  "Hey!  Oh, well.  So he told me I could
choose to do whatever I wanted from then on.  But I never knew
anything else, so I kept dressing like Ranma, and eating like him,
and generally acting like a boy."
     Ranma smiled.  "Yeah, and you got that reputation for being a
tomboy, as I recall."  Ranko tried to punch him, but he blocked it
easily.  
     "Hmph.  Well, who wanted to be like those sissies?  All the
other girls were such pathetic little twerps.  The boys were more
fun, but then they started acting strange.  All nervous for no
reason, and they kept chickening out around me or acted all
perverted half the time."
     Nabiki rolled her eyes as she took out a small piece of twine
and started to tie up Ranko's remaining hair into a thin braid
similar to Ranma's pigtail.  "I think that was because of *you*,
Ranko."  
     Ranko blinked.  "Me?  What'd *I* ever do to them?"  She looked
to Ranma.  He shrugged.  
     Nabiki sighed.  "Ranko, you're a girl, and you're pretty, and
you were probably pretty physical with them, unless I miss my
guess."  
     Ranko stared blankly.  "So?"  
     Nabiki shook her head.  "They thought you were coming on to
them," she said, finishing her work and standing back a step. 
"Make up," she agreed with herself.  She grabbed the kit lying on
her bed and started to work on Ranko's face, trying to accentuate
certain parts and reduce others.
     Ranko's nose wrinkled.  "What?  Ugh.  That's disgusting!  I
was just being friendly!"  She took a step back.  "Hey, what's with
that gunk?"
     Nabiki smiled wryly.  "That 'gunk' is going to disguise you. 
We're not just going for a sex change, we want you to look
*different*.  Oh, and your version of 'friendly' is another girls'
version of 'seductive'."  She paused, picturing Ranko being
seductive.  Or feminine.  It just didn't work.  "Well, maybe not
*seductive*, but certainly coming across like you want to be a lot
more than friends."
     Ranko frowned.  "So you're saying I shouldn't have beaten them
up?"  
     Nabiki looked at her with some surprise.  "You beat them up
when they said they liked you?"  
     Ranko nodded, then changed her mind and shook her head, which
did nothing for Nabiki's work.  "Well, it wasn't exactly like that. 
I didn't mind being friends with them.  It was when they tried...
things, that I got angry."  
     Nabiki just rolled her eyes.  "I feel sorry for them.  You
*did* kinda lead them on, Ranko."  She took a step back.  "Well
anyway, we're done.  Voila!"  
     Ranko took a tentative step forward and turned around, trying
vainly to see herself.  Nabiki gave her a mirror.  Ranma stared.  
     "Hey, whoa," he said.  "You look like a guy!"  
     Nabiki turned to him.  "Ranma, check me on this.  You were
here the entire time, right?  And you saw me do everything?  And
you knew why we were doing it?"  Ranma nodded to all of these
facts.  "Then *why* are you surprised when we did it?"  
     Ranma put his hand behind his head and laughed nervously. 
"Well, er, I dunno."  
     Luckily, Ranko saved him from making a fool of himself.  "Oh
wow, I'm so handsome!  Thanks, Nabiki."  She leaned over and hugged
Nabiki.  Then she hugged Ranma in joy, kissing him lightly on the
cheek.  Ranma fainted.  
     Nabiki sighed.  "You *look* like a guy, Ranko.  But before we
show you off to Shampoo, you need to learn to *act* like one, too." 

                           *    *    *

     The twins walked into the kitchen to test out Ranko's
disguise.  "Hey, Kasumi!" said Ranko brightly as she walked in. 
She lowered her voice to the point where it sounded a lot like
Ranma's tenor.  Not quite, but a lot better than her usual high
pitch.
     Kasumi smiled.  "Oh, hello," she said.  "Do I know you?"
     Ranma laughed.  "Way to go!  That's one down!"  
     Kasumi smiled.  "Ranma?  Who's your friend?"  
     Ranko let her voice go back to normal again.  "Kasumi, it's
me!  Ranko!" 
     Kasumi blinked.  "Oh, my," she said.  "You're so...different. 
Is that a new look?"  
     Nabiki walked in casually.  "Yep.  I turned her into a guy
until Shampoo leaves.  Shampoo doesn't find Ranko, she doesn't have
to kill her."
     Kasumi nodded.  "But why made her a boy at all?  Wouldn't it
be easier just to disguise her as another girl?"  
     Both twins facefaulted.  Nabiki just smiled lazily.  "Well,
actually, I haven't told the entire story to you yet."  She held up
a book, labelled in Chinese.  "Shampoo sat us down and told us the
story after you two left.  Except that dad was crying, Mr. Saotome
was bored and was watching TV, Akane was in her room, and you were
making lemonade for her, Sis."  She grinned.  "So I was the only
person around and paying attention when she explained things."
     Ranma and Ranko leaned in eagerly.  "Five thousand yen," she
said.  
     Ranko tried to resist the impulse to throttle her.  But not
very hard.  "Okay, okay, already!  On with it!" she yelled.
     Nabiki mentally added up the twin's tab.  "It seems that the
Amazon laws are quite...convenient.  You see, when a female
outsider beats an Amazon, that Amazon has to kill her.  But when a
male outsider beats one, she has to marry him.  So you see, even if
Ranko slips and lets on who she is, all she has to do is say she's
a guy and Shampoo won't even think of hurting her."  
     Nobody had the chance to reply, for suddenly they all heard a
female voice at the door.  "Ai lan!" cried Shampoo, jumping into
Ranma's arms.  
     Except that it wasn't Ranma she leapt on.  She wrapped her
arms around Ranko and kissed her deeply (1).  "Ai lan," she
murmured.  Ranko fainted.  
     Everybody stood still in shock.  Then Nabiki, sensing an
opportunity, spun towards Ranma.  "Get out," she hissed almost
inaudibly.  Ranma paused, hesitant, but seeing his sister in no
immediate danger, complied.  Nabiki noticed that Ranma was just as
stealthy as his sister, just as she had thought.  Shampoo didn't
even notice.
     To give her credit, Shampoo was too busy with other things--
such as examining the unconscious Ranko.  "Ai lan?" she queried,
worried for who she thought was her future husband.  
     Nabiki patted her on the shoulder.  "Oh, Shampoo," she said
sweetly.  "Don't you worry about him.  He's a bit shy around
girls."  
     Shampoo blinked.  "What Shampoo do for him?"  
     Nabiki smiled at her.  "Oh, just wait a while and he'll come
around.  Don't worry about it, he'll just take some time to teach." 
     Shampoo's eyes narrowed dangerously.  "Why you so nice to
Shampoo?"  
     Nabiki's eyes widened in mock innocence.  "Moi?  Why, I'm
merely trying to be nice to a guest!"  When Shampoo's gaze didn't
turn any less demanding, she shrugged.  "Okay, okay.  I admit it,
I don't really want him around the house.  He eats too much, and
the thought of him marrying my sister makes me sick."  
     A muffled denial came through wall behind her.  Nabiki smiled
and kicked it.  Shampoo smiled at her.  
     "Aiya!  Nabiki good friend.  What Shampoo do for her?"  
     "Hm.  That depends.  Do you have any yen?"  
     "What yen?"  
     "That makes it more difficult.  Okay, do you know what a
'fashion magazine' is?"  
     "Shampoo no understand."
     "Good," said Nabiki with a smile.  "Okay, here's what I want
you to do--"
     "Ohhh..." interrupted Ranko, moaning as she woke up.   
     "Oh my," said Kasumi.  "Are you feeling better, Ranko?"  
     Shampoo spun.  "Ranko?  Where?  I kill!"  
     Nabiki cursed silently.  "No, no, Shampoo.  Kasumi was talking
about Ranma.  You misheard her.  You must be tired."  
     Shampoo put down her bonbori slowly.  "Shampoo very tired,"
she admitted reluctantly.  "Can kill Ranko later."
     Ranko's eyes flew open.  "Where--"
     Nabiki ground her teeth.  Amateurs.  "Oh, RanMA," she said. 
"Is your sore throat still bothering you?"  
     Ranko sat up.  "What?  What the heck are you talking about,
Nabiki?  What--"  Shampoo glomped onto her.  Ranko froze.  "Oh,"
she said in a much quieter voice.  Then she realized what Nabiki
had meant.  "Oh," she said again, this time in a much deeper voice. 
"Yeah, I think I've got a cold."  
     Nabiki smiled.  "Well then.  I'm sure Shampoo knows some kind
of Chinese herbal remedy to fix that."  
     Shampoo hugged Ranko.  "Shampoo *good* cook!  She cook chicken
soup for husband!  And care and feed him!"  
     Kasumi smiled.  "Oh, is that what you use for colds?  I use
ginseng, but it would be good to try that sometime.  I'll have to
see if we have any recipes for it, somewhere."
     "What need recipe for?" asked Shampoo.  "Kill chicken.  Make
soup.  Not hard."  
     "Oh, that sounds much simpler than the way I do it," said
Kasumi.  "Would you like to make it yourself?"  Shampoo blinked,
paused for a moment as if considering, and then nodded.
     Ranko glared at Nabiki as soon as Shampoo left his arms.  "Why
are you setting her up with me, Nabiki?" he whispered darkly.  
     Nabiki looked at her innocently.  "It's the perfect solution,
Ranma.  You're not hurt, and daddy doesn't get mad at your
namesake."  She glanced at Shampoo to see if the Chinese girl had
managed to make sense of that.  She needn't have worried.  The
Amazon was busy trying to make chicken soup while keeping herself
attached to Ranko at strategic points.  
     Suddenly, Mr. Tendo burst into the room.  "Ranma!" he wept. 
"How dare you abandon my Akane for that Chinese girl!?"  
     Ranko looked around.  "Huh?  What?" she asked.  "Where?" 
Nabiki noted with approval that the deeper voice had become an
unconscious reflex.  Apparently, her investment in an applied
psychology book was paying off.
     Mr. Tendo turned into his demon head form.  "Ranma, how *dare*
you!?  In my own kitchen!?"  
     Ranko's eyes widened.  "Wait," she said.  "I'm not--"  She
stopped and looked at Shampoo.  That was a bad idea.  Shampoo
smiled and leaned in closer, kissing her on the lips.  Ranko,
startled, had no chance to resist.  
     Mr. Tendo loomed over them all.  "Oh, no?" he demanded.  He
grabbed his sword and advanced on Ranko.  
     "Or maybe not," Nabiki admitted.  

(1)  Continuing on the famous Ranma 1/2 tradition of having even
the simplest, most obvious, see-through, and pathetic disguises
fool just about everybody.  Case in point, Ranma just putting on a
pair of glasses has managed to fool Ryoga about half a dozen times. 

                           *    *    *

     Ranko sighed.  Now she ached all over.  Well, at least she had
gotten free of Shampoo for awhile.  She shivered, thinking of her. 
Man, it was really creepy, having that girl crawl all over her. 
She felt sick.  What she needed now was a bath.  
     "I'm gonna take a bath, okay Kasumi?" she asked.  Kasumi
smiled and nodded.  
     Then Ranko heard the words that made her turn white.  "Ai lan? 
Ranma take bath?  Then Shampoo come, too!"  Shampoo walked out of
the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.  
     Ranko grinned a sickly grin before taking off like a shot. 
"RANMA!" she shouted.  She ran into the living room and grabbed her
brother by the shirt.  "YOU," she snarled, "can take care of your
own problems for a while!"  
     Ranma blinked.  "Wha--?" he asked, before realizing he was
talking to an empty room again.  Then Shampoo was in his arms.  
     "We take bath now, Ai Lan?" she sighed.  
     Ranma nearly fainted.

                           *    *    *

     Ranko stormed into the bathroom, slamming open the door.  
     Akane blinked, half-undressed.  "Wha-wha-" she said, startled. 
     Ranko smiled.  "Oh, sorry 'bout that, Akane.  I should have
knocked first.  I thought it was okay 'cause Kasumi didn't mind." 
     "RANMA, YOU JERK!!" yelled Akane, her anger finally getting
the better of her.  
     "What?" asked Ranko rather stupidly as the cabinet collided
with her head.  "OW!"  She hastily ran out the door and slammed it
shut, leaning against it and catching her breath.  
     She looked down at her chest.  "This is getting annoying," she
said to herself.  Then she sighed.  Ranma was in for it, now.  And
this time, it wasn't even his fault.  And...Akane had broken off
their engagement, hadn't she?  Because of Shampoo--who had been
following Ranko.  Now Ranma and Akane might *never* get married. 
Both of them were too stubborn for their own good.  But maybe *she*
could do something...but...but if Ranma and Akane fought, he'd
spend more time with her--wouldn't he?
     Then she sighed again.  Yes, he would.  But she'd always
remember that she had hurt him, and he'd be with her out of
rejection and sadness.  And no matter what happened, their
relationship would suffer.  But if she helped him make up with
Akane, he'd spend more time with his fiancee, and Ranko would be
lonely.
     When it came down to it, either way Ranko would lose.  But at
least she could make him happy--by giving him up to Akane.  She
sighed again, her heart already hating what she had to do. 
Sometimes she despised her better nature.  
     Ranko knocked on the door.  Something large and heavy hit it
in response.  "Akane?" she asked.  "Can I come in?  Please?"  
     There was silence.  Ranko stood there waiting, in a rare show
of patience.  A minute later, the door was jerked open by a fully-
dressed and still-quite-angry Akane.  "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" she
demanded.  
     Ranko bowed low, still speaking as Ranma.  "I wanted to
apologize to you, Akane."  
     Akane was taken aback.  "What?"  She recovered quickly. 
"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU JERK!  I OUGHTA KILL YOU!"
     Ranko remained silent, still bowed.  Akane fumed, but didn't
strike her.  It went against her training to strike someone in that
position.  After a few seconds, Ranko stood back up.  "I'm sorry,
Akane.  I'm used to bathing with my sister.  I forgot you're not
used to mixed bathing."  She crossed her fingers behind her back. 
One little white lie wouldn't hurt.  Ranma would have fainted at
the idea of bathing with Akane, but if it helped them make up...
     Akane had something to get angry about again.  "So you think
that excuses it?  I told you, that's something only perverts like
you and your akuma sister do!"  
     Ranko frowned.  Ranma hadn't told her *that*.  He'd been much
more...tactful.  He was *never* tactful.  Ranko wasn't even sure he
knew what the word meant!  "You did?" she asked dubiously.
     "Of course I did!" Akane retorted angrily.
     Ranko felt sad.  He must have wanted Ranko and Akane to get
along better.  And here Ranko was, making their relationship worse. 
Even Shampoo was her fault, in a way.  She made a decision.  "Of
course you did, Akane," she agreed.  "I'm sorry."  
     Akane frowned at that.  "Are you feeling all right, Ranma?"
she asked.  "I've never heard you apologize once before this, let
alone three times in one conversation."  
     Ranko smiled wryly.  "There are a lot of things you don't know
about me, Akane."  She paused.  "Actually, maybe we could talk
about that, later?"  
     Akane hesitated.  For some reason, she just didn't feel like
hitting him right now.  She nodded.  "Okay," she said.  
     Ranko smiled.  

                      End of Episode Eleven