Paradise Lost

by Sariel

I. The Perfect Nightmare

I turned the knob on the bathroom door gently and opened it, careful not to make a sound. The walls in this house are very thin, especially the one that separated Shuuichi-oniisan’s room and mine. It used to be one large room, but my father put a wall in it and made it into two bedrooms when he remarried and my new brother moved in. I had no intentions of waking anyone at 2:30 in the morning, so I tried to be as quiet as possible.

I was going back to my room when I saw light coming form under my brother’s bedroom door. What was he doing at this time of the day? We’ve only been brothers for a few months, but I knew he normally doesn't stay up so late - Shuuichi-oniisan was the perfect son. A perfect brother too.

Slowly I opened the door. 'Oniisan, you still up?’

My brother was sitting on his bed, wearing only his pajama pants, and rubbing something onto his chest. He started, then smiled, a bit uneasily, when he saw it as me. 'Hey Shuu-kun.’

I took that as a welcome and walked inside. He squeezed out something from a tube and rubbed it on his chest again. I wasn’t wearing my contact lenses, but I could still see the huge bluish green bruise there. I sat down on the chair at his desk, then saw more bruises everywhere, on his arms, chest, stomach, back. The entire room smelled of the cream he was using.

‘What happened?’

‘I fell down the stairs in school.’ He laughed softly when I shot him a look. ‘I was daydreaming.’

I sighed and grabbed the tube on the desk, squeezed some white stuff out of it, then proceeded rubbing it onto the hideous colour patched on his back.

Oniisan drew a deep breath but didn’t complain about the pain.

‘Bet you were daydreaming ’bout your girlfriend.’

‘Ne?’

‘You’ve got "I’m in love" stamped across your forehead.’ I deliberately rubbed harder with my fingers. What’s she like?’

He laughed but said nothing. I pressed my thumb hard on a bruise near his neck.

‘Ouch!’ He jerked away. ‘Shuu-kun!’

My finger reached for that bruise again. ‘So, what’s she like?’ I grinned evilly.

‘I haven’t got a girlfriend.’

I finished his back and went for his left arm.

‘What about boyfriend?’

‘Why did you say that?’ My brother lifted an eyebrow, then suddenly winced. ‘Gentle!’

I looked at the purple patch I was rubbing on his arm. This one seems to be worse than those on his back. I got more cream from the tube and splashed all of it there.

‘What’s wrong with that?’ I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with him having a boyfriend. Perhaps it had something to do with his looks. I wouldn’t be surprised if I see him going out with a boy. The fact that he’s so popular amongst girls but doesn’t have a girlfriend helped the idea too.

He thought for a second, then smiled. ‘Nothing, just surprised.’

Neither of us said anything after that. After a while oniisan said, ‘Thanks Shuu-kun.’

I took the hint and walked to the door. ‘Goodnight bro’.’

‘Shuu-kun?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Don’t tell ‘kaasan.’

‘Alright.’ I know he meant both about his injuries and the things we talked about tonight.

I closed the door behind me, then leaned my back against it as I tried to think hard.

When oniisan came back from school today okaasan had sent him to buy things at the supermarket. I vaguely remember he was wearing a gray T-shirt and jeans. There were no bruises on his arms then.

He couldn’t have fallen down the stairs in school.

I was so sure I heard voices speaking next door.

Then there was a muffed cry, in pain.

In seconds I was out of my room. Oniisan’s door wasn’t closed properly so I peeked in from the small crack.

‘Not so loud, red-head.’ A man with his back turned to me grabbed Shuuichi-oniisan’s hair and yanked it hard. ‘You wanna wake up Shuuichi next door?’ Then the man kicked hard on my brother’s stomach.

His knees gave and he knelt on the carpeted floor, his body bent double in pain.

The man was… my father.

I couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, couldn’t take my eyes away from the scene.

‘Shuu-kun… he saw me with the bruises last week…’ my brother said with a choked voice.

‘What did you say to him?’

‘… I fell down the stairs… in school…’

‘Ahh... you li’l smart-ass.’ My father waited for oniisan to stand up then kicked him hard at his side, sending him towards the window.

What… what’s happening?

Oniisan knocked himself on the windowsill. I could tell how much pain he was in, but still he refused to make a sound.

He looked out the window, then suddenly froze as if he saw something. He mouthed a few words with his lips.

‘You praying?’ My father grabbed oniisan by the shoulders and pulled him with a sudden force. Oniisan fell down backwards. ‘Go on, as if it can help you!’

I dashed back to my room when I realised Father was coming out, my heart was beating so fast I felt the room spun around me. I literally thought I was going to die right there.

‘Why did you let him?’

A deep male voice came from next door.

‘Hiei…’ Oniisan’s voice wasn’t hushed anymore. He must’ve forgotten about me.

Who’s this Hiei? When did he come into the house?

I must be imagining everything…

‘He’s my ‘kaasan’s husband, Hiei.’

‘So?’

I don’t want to hurt ‘kaasan or Shuu-kun.’

I felt tears rising when I heard my brother say that.

‘Stupid ningens.’ Hiei snorted. ‘What’re you going to do? Let

him come in and beat you to pulp as he wish?’

‘I’m planning to move out when I finish high school. That’s only in a few months’ time.’

‘Hn. A few months. You’ll be dead by then.’

‘Hiei, please let me handle this my own way.’ My brother’s voice softened, I could barely hear it through the wall. ‘Can you stay here tonight?’

There was a long silence, and just as I began to wonder if I’ve been imagining it all, I heard my brother plead. ‘Please.’

No sound came from next door but somehow I knew oniisan has succeeded.

I buried my face into my pillow as I sobbed.

The father I had loved and respected was abusing my new brother, and he’s keeping his mouth shut for the family’s sake. He’s going to move away from his own home to hide this away from us, forever.

Until this day I always thought how lucky I was to have the perfect family. But I was wrong.

I cried myself to sleep.

Hiei came almost every night after that. I knew this because I was so often plagued by nightmares that I refused to sleep unless absolutely necessary. Nightmares of my father beating up oniisan, laughing as he struggles to stand, and then sending him to his knees again…

I would wake up to find my pajamas soaked in sweat, my hands gripping the sheets and my body so tense the muscles actually hurt.

After the fourth night I decided to stay up as long as I could, eventually I only sleep for about 5 hours every night. I felt like the living dead when I wake up in the mornings.

Sometimes I could hear conversations next door. Hiei was a foul-mouthed guy, always sarcastic and seemingly uncaring. But I could tell my brother liked him. A lot.

I had grown to like him too. He cared for oniisan, although he always tried to find some pathetic way to hide it. I wondered how he looked like and where he came from. Just how exactly did he get into my brother’s room?

Father went to oniisan’s room again after about a week. I curled up in bed with a blanket over me, and my body shook violently in fear. I brought my hands over my ears, but the sounds of my brother’s painful cries and Father’s cold laughs still rung in my head.

‘Shuu-kun,’ A warm gentle hand pressed on my forehead. ‘Are you feeling okay?’ Mother gazed at me, concerned.

‘Hai. Why?’

Oniisan gulped down his glass of milk, got his school bag and gestured for me to get ready. ‘You look like you haven’t slept well.’

‘I’m fine.’ I forced a smile. How does oniisan act like nothing’s wrong?

We set off for school. My school was only a few blocks away, but oniisan had to take the bus to get to his.

‘Shuu-kun,’ My brother said when we reached the bus stop. ‘If something’s bothering you we can talk about it.’

I laughed bitterly at the sheer irony of this. ‘Nothing’s wrong. Honest.’

Oniisan’s face told me he knew I wasn’t telling the truth but he didn’t ask again. We said goodbye and parted for school.

I concentrated on eating the rice in my bowl as the conversation went on.

I hated supper, hated any time when the family would sit together and talk, hated the pretense, the false happiness.

The family was falling apart, and we’re acting like nothing was happening.

‘You have any plan, Shuuichi, for the summer?’

‘If it’s okay, ‘tousan, ‘kaasan,’ My brother said with his usual politeness, ‘I want to spend the holiday with some friends.’

Mother sounded happy, ‘That’s fine for me. You’ve been working hard. I don’t see you with your friends so often anymore. Go and enjoy yourselves.’

‘Kuwabara and I both have exams to prepare for, and Yuusuke has to run his ranmen shop to save up to marry Keiko.’

‘Yuusuke and Keiko are getting married?’

‘Hai. As soon as they turn eighteen.’

Father cuts in. ‘Shuuichi, where do you want to go? I’ll pay for it as a reward for your hard work.’

Yeah right. You just can’t wait to get rid of oniisan.

‘I’ll have to see where the others want to go.’ Oniisan sounded normal. ‘Thank you, otousan.’

I stared at my half-finished bowl of rice. My right hand was trembling and the chopsticks slipped from my fingers. I picked them up.

‘I know you’ve been working hard. You deserve a relaxing holiday.’

Oniisan turned his attention to me. ‘Are you okay Shuu-kun? You look very pale.’

‘Shuu-kun, is something wrong?’

I slammed down my chopsticks. Tears welled up in my eyes.

Ignoring their stares I ran out of the house. Fresh air was what I needed.

After I made sure no one was around I allowed my tears to fall.

I simply couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew it from the day I started to loathe going home from school. I dreaded every step that led me home.

I would sit at my desk and stare at the blue digital clock, watch the seconds tick away soundlessly, wishing that 7:30 would never come. 7:30 was the time Father would usually come back from work. …It felt like a death row prisoner waiting for his execution.

‘Shuu-kun.’

‘Oniisan.’ I turned to see my brother standing outside the door, looking worried. He walked towards me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

‘Do you want to talk about this? You’ve been acting strange for almost two weeks.’

I said nothing. Talk about it? How? And is it going to help?

‘You can come to my room tonight, and perhaps we can talk things over.’ He pushed gently on my shoulder. ‘Let’s go back inside. Otousan and okaasan are worried.’

I let him lead me back into the house. Okaasan was going to say something but oniisan gestured for her not to. I went upstairs to my room without taking another look at anyone.

Someone knocked on my door. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Hai.’ If you must. I added silently.

Shuuichi-oniisan came in and closed the door be behind him quietly.

‘’tousan and ‘kaasan want me to see if you’re alright.’

‘Tell ‘em I’m fine.’

‘But you’re not, are you.’ He sat himself down on my bed.

So you want to talk about this so much? Okay then.

I spun my chair round, grabbed his pajama top and yanked it open, letting the buttons fly off and drop onto the bed and the carpet.

His pale chest was covered with purple and blue bruises. The mere thought of how much it must hurt made me wince.

‘A gang in school did it. My brother lied without thinking. He didn’t even blink. I would’ve believed him if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.

‘Liar.’

‘I’m not lying.’

‘LIAR!!’ I glared at him and roared. ‘I SAW it! And I could hear you through the goddamn wall!’ My voice choked as tears fell. I ignored them. ‘It’s giving me fucking nightmares! Don’t you try to hide it from me!’

I spun my chair again so that I faced the desk, ignoring the stunned look in those emerald eyes. I breathed heavily as I struggled to think rationally again.

It wasn’t his fault. Oniisan was being the best son and the best brother. He kept quiet about it to protect the family, to keep it from falling apart.

‘…Oniisan…’ I took a deep breath and turned round. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to - ‘

‘I know.’ He smiled at me. I didn’t find a trace of hurt in that smile. But oniisan had always been so good at hiding his feelings. I think no one has ever understood how he felt.

Or has anyone ever tried to?

‘What are you going to do?’ I wiped my tears with my pajama sleeve.

‘The question is: "What *can* I do?"’ He whispered softly, his green eyes fixed on mine.

I fell silent.

He picked up all the buttons I managed to pull off his pajama in slow motion.

‘Shuu-kun, nobody else knows about this. I want you to promise me you’ll tell absolutely no one.’ He had a hand in the doorknob, ready to leave.

I gave him a very cheaky grin. It felt strange. I haven’t grinned for a long time. ‘What ‘bout Hiei-san?’

The totally surprised look on his face almost made me laugh right out.

‘I reckon we should get a thicker wall.’ I stretched my arm and knocked on the so-called ‘wall’ that divided our rooms.

‘You know an awful lot about me, don’t you?’

‘Is he your lover?’

‘Iie.’ He flashed me a smile before he left. ‘Not yet.’

II. Sacrifice

At first I thought he was deliberately doing this. They were speaking louder now, so that I could hear their conversation if I chose to. Then I realised this meant oniisan trusted me not to tell anyone, so he no longer needed to whisper. Hiei presence was not a secret to me anymore.

My father went to oniisan’s room again tonight.

I turned the volume of my walkman to maximum and tried to concentrate on the music. I waited until the digital clock told me with its blue flashing numbers that half an hour has gone before taking the earphones off. It was the longest 30 minutes ever in my life. Now that my brother knew I knew the secret, the feeling of guilt was even greater than before. It was my father hurting him, and I was doing nothing to stop it. I was just a coward hiding under his blanket, trying to ignore what’s happening, trying to numb the pain in his heart.

I hate myself for this.

The entire world seemed silent when I finally switched off my walkman. There was no sound other than the ‘weee --- ’ ringing in my ears, and I thanked God for that. Silence meant peace.

‘Hiei!’ I heard my brother said suddenly, as if caught by surprise.

‘NO! WAIT!’ He tried to hush his voice but failed. ‘HIEI! DON’T!!’

Hiei snapped. ‘Kurama, look at you! I’ll kill him for this!’

He meant my father?

‘Listen to me!’ My brother said desperately. ‘You didn’t kill the people who left you for the dead, so why do this now? He’s only a ningen! You kill him and Koenma’ll have no choice but to send Yuusuke, Kuwabara and me to hunt you down!’

No answer came from Hiei.

‘Please. If ‘kaasan finds out or if anything happens to him… then the family will fall apart…’

‘Hn.’

‘Kuwabara drives you mad, but you won’t kill him, because it’ll hurt Yukina.’ I recognised the names. Yukina was the sweet girl with blue hair. ‘It’s the same thing. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the sake of others.’

But it oniisan’s sacrifice too much? Is it really worth it, just for okaasan’s happiness?

‘You knew it when I got the Mirror of the Utter Dark I’ll do anything, even give up my own life, for ‘kaasan.’

Deciding I don’t want to listen anymore, I turned away from the wall and closed my eyes, and wished for a dreamless sleep.

‘I think I should go.’

‘I thought you said you couldn’t sleep.’

‘Yeah, but I think you might have a visitor soon, so…’ I got up.

I’ve been staying in my brother’s room every night for almost a week. Sometimes we chat. Sometimes we do our own things. It was the only way I knew to stop anyone in the family from getting hurt, physically or mentally.

Once Father came in without any warning. He saw me, told us to go to bed, and left. It wasn’t until my brother touched me on the shoulders that I realised I was shaking.

‘Shuu-kun.’ His grip tightened and he called again when I didn’t answer. ‘Shuuichi.’

I couldn’t move my eyes from the door. It felt like Father would come back again any minute. I heard my brother calling my name but it took me a long while to get myself together again.

‘He’s gone.’ Shuuichi-oniisan whispered.

I nodded rather shakily. ‘Hai.’

‘Doumo arigatou gozaimasu.’

He gave me gentle hug then put me to bed. He had used some herbs to help me get to sleep. His touch with plants was something I never understood.

‘Hiei won’t mind you being here.’ Oniisan’s voice brought me back to the present. ‘In fact he won’t care. He’d just ignore you.’

‘But…’

‘I’m not going to kick you out of my room because of him. You’re my brother! You can stay here if you want.’ My brother said as he ran a brush through his long red locks.

Do I want to see Hiei? I do not know. Sometimes things are better left unknown, but…

‘He’s here.’ My brother suddenly looked at the window.

I looked out and I could have sworn there was no one out there.

Then there was a sudden gust of wind, and a blur of black appeared which materialized into a person standing by the window. I blinked a few times just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

There stood a short person, dressed in all black, with spiky black hair that defied the laws of gravity with a white starburst near the forehead. He had piercing blood red eyes that contrasted with oniisan’s gentle forest green ones.

He gave me a deadly glare that should have scared the hell out of me. But I didn’t move an inch. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. Getting no response from me he turned his attention to Shuuichi-oniisan, or ‘Kurama’, as he always called my brother.

He produced a 5-inch thick book from under his cloak. It looked ancient, with its half-rotten cover and brownish pages. A dust cloud appeared when it was dropped onto the desk.

‘Where’d you get this from?’

‘Mukuro. Read it.’

From all I’ve heard it seemed like Hiei worked for Mukuro. I guess he was some sort of a bodyguard or hitman.

‘The whole thing?’ My brother took the book and flipped through the yellowing pages. The unique smell of ancient books filled the room

Hiei frowned and took the book from him, turned to the contents page, scanned for the bit he wanted and opened that page, then handed it back to my brother.

‘I thought you couldn’t read.’ My brother looked at his friend in disbelief.

‘I learnt.’ As usual Hiei used as little words as he possibly could. He never says anything unnecessary.

‘Why?’

Silence.

Oniisan sighed when he knew he wouldn’t get an answer, then read the open page of the book.

‘You didn’t ask her when you got this.’ He looked up. This is one of her treasures.’ He carefully avoided the word ‘stolen’.

Hiei sat himself down on the windowsill facing me, but he had his eyes on my brother. He only looked at me once after he got here.

When oniisan said I'd be ignored I didn’t think he meant it literally, but it looked like he was right. ‘I’ll get it back to her.’

‘Inari-sama! Do you know what you’re doing?’ Oniisan drew a deep breath.

Like most of the other times I don’t really understand what they’re talking about. It seemed to me oniisan has two completely different lives, Kurama and Shuuichi.

The air was still for a moment. I wondered if I should leave since this really wasn’t any of my business.

‘Just read it.’ Hiei took his eyes off my brother and stared out the window. His face was as cold as stone and he had his arms folded in front of his chest. I learnt from a book that this was an unconscious gesture of self-defense.

‘You did this for me?’ Oniisan gasped after he finished reading. ‘For me?’ He didn’t seem to believe that Hiei did something for him. I didn't get it. All Hiei did was stole a book for him, but oniisan was behaving like Hiei was risking his life for him.

Hiei replied with his typical ‘Hn.’

‘Arigatou Hiei.’ My brother stood up and walked toward his friend.

Hiei glanced up at my brother, then looked away again. The two of them were very close now.

Maybe I shouldn't be here.

I was near the door when I felt a pair of eyes on me. I turned my head, Hiei’s and my eyes met.

He was telling me to stay here. He gave me the message without once moving his lips.

'Would you do it with me? I don’t think I can do it alone.’

‘…fine.’ Hiei’s face was emotionless.

My brother sighed heavily. Even I could tell that the coldness in Hiei’s reply had stung him. 'Take this back before Mukuro sends an army after you.’ He gave Hiei back the book. 'I've memorised it already.’

Hiei was gone after a heartbeat.

‘’Niisan, I'm going to bed. I'll see ya tomorrow morning.’ I said before my brother had a chance to speak.

There's… something… that I wanted to think about, although I don't know what it was. 'Oyasuminasai.’

Normally at this time I should be in school. Instead I’m lying in my bed and staring up at the ceiling.

'Are you feeling any better Shuuichi? I still think you should see a doctor…’ Mother came in to see me for the nth time. I’m not quite used to this. After all I haven't had a mother for several years.

The bitter irony of it was that her own son was dying slowly in the heart, being physically abused and mentally tormented by unreturned love, but she's here, taking care of another woman's son.

'Hai. I just need some sleep.’

I sighed to myself when Mother finally left. What’d happen if she finds out how Father was treating oniisan? Is it better to let her know than to let oniisan suffer?

I didn't get much sleep last night. There was something about Hiei, something I couldn't; quite grasp. I lay awake in my bed thinking about it, though I didn't even know what it was. I did fall asleep eventually, but okaasan decided I looked too ill for school.

I was so sure he was telling me not to leave last night. But the question was 'Why?’ Why would he not want to be alone with oniisan?

I closed my eyes as I recalled the expression on his face. Was there the trace of fear I thought I saw? What was he afraid of? Of getting too close to my brother? He knew my brother loves him but doesn't know how to turn him down?

Who and what kind of a person is he, really?

It took me a night to realise that I know too little about him to draw to any conclusions.

I decided I needed to talk to him, however hard that may be.

'The best can never be ours, ne?’ I saw a man took the last can of Coke from the fridge. Now all there were left were Diet Coke and Dr. Pepper. I pushed our trolley away. Neither oniisan nor I liked those drinks.

I noticed oniisan wasn't following me. ‘Ne?’

He stood in front of the fridge, holding a can of Dr. Pepper. Nobody I knew like this drink. ‘Dr. Pepper is always the only one left in the end.’ He put it back on the shelf.

When we queued up to pay the girl in front of us put six cans of Diet Coke onto to the small conveyer belt. ‘Dr. Pepper never gets chosen, ne?’ My brother said again suddenly, watching the cashier lady passing the cans of drink in front of the machine to read the bar codes.

He was talking about himself?

'I'm sure somebody likes it, otherwise it wouldn't be there in the first place. In fact LOTS of people likes it.’ I nodded towards a group of girls who were smiling at oniisan.

'Have you ever tried Dr. Pepper, Shuu-kun?’ He turned his back to those girls. 'How does it taste?’

I couldn't say anything. It tasted foul in my opinion, rather like cough medicine.

'But how do you know Hiei doesn't like you?’ I put our shopping onto the moving belt.

Oniisan smiled bitterly. ‘If I’m Dr. Pepper, then Hiei is someone who never has soft drinks. Even if he decides to try some, I'd never be his choice.’ We waited for the girl in front to pay. ‘Dr. Pepper tastes like cough medicine, ne?’

I nodded.

'Medicine is something you'll never take unless you absolutely need it, and you don't touch it until you're ill again. Same for Hiei, he only comes to me because he really needs to, and he goes when I’m not needed anymore.’ He didn't look at me.

‘’Niisan…’

‘And why would anyone want to be ill?’

I turned back to look at the fridge not far away from us. From its second and third shelves were completely filled with Dr. Pepper, whilst all the other cold drinks have gone. The Dr. Pepper looked… lonely on its own, waiting obediently for the next person to walk near the fridge, and it would once again declare its failure when this person walks away.

A boy about my age queued up behind us. We both saw had a bottle of Coke in his basket.

‘I guess you're just plain unlucky, 'niisan.’

‘I missed school the other day. Oniisan’s teaching me the stuff I missed.’

'Alright, but you have school and Shuu-chan has his finals tomorrow. Go to sleep.’

The door closed.

I let out the breath I’d been holding. I wasn't lying when I said I'm learning the things I missed - I'm struggling with my maths - but… I’m scared of my father. Terrified of him.

‘… For this type of question you'll need to differentiate using the quotient rule.’ My brother went on as if

Father didn't just come in. 'Try no.5.’

'You're tired 'niisan.’ I pushed the book away and stated matter-of-factly. 'The circles under your eyes are a major give-away. Get some sleep.’

'Hiei might be here in a minute.’ Oniisan ran a hand through his hair. ‘I want to wait a while longer.’

I sighed inwardly. Oniisan hadn't notice how this was killing him but I saw it. I watched him sank, further and further down, into the sea of hopelessness, but he couldn't feel it himself. The light in those green eyes was long gone.

‘I’ll stay to finish the exercise. If he comes I’ll wake you up, okay?’

Hiei did come after about half an hour. By that time oniisan was soundly asleep. I had to make sure he was before I talk to his friend.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘No.’ Hiei stole a look at me with his crimson eyes.

'Why?’

'If you wanna ask you'll still ask if I said no.’

Okay, I haven’t got to the heart of the whole thing and I’m losing already. This was encouraging…

'How much do you know about my brother?’

That got no answer from him.

'You know how he feels for you, right?’ I nodded when he finally looked my way. ‘Oh yeah you do.’

More silence.

'All I want to know is how YOU feel, 'cause I don't want my brother wasting his time with you if nothing's ever going to happen.’ I checked oniisan again. He was still peacefully asleep.

I was rewarded with the lifting of an eyebrow and a 'how'd-you-do-that’ look..

'I can tell 'kaasan about you and you'll never come to this place again. You know Shuu… Kurama always listens to his mother.’ I was assuming everything with all I’ve heard so far from the two of them.

Hopefully I’m not making a fool of myself. ‘He’d even give her his life.’

'And why don't you want me here if I don't…’ Hiei couldn't say the word. If it was other people I would call them pathetic, but Hiei was so different from any others.

This was the question I’ve been waiting for. 'Have you ever tried to understand how he feels?’ I pointed a finger at my sleeping brother and lowered my voice.

‘Did you ever realise how much you’ve hurting him? Have you ever noticed how much he's giving and how little he’s receiving from you? It’s eating him from the inside, don’t you see it? The Kurama you see here has almost nothing left but an empty shell.’ I lowered my voice to a whisper. 'You don't know how much he loves you, do you. Not unless you live with him in the same house and watch how he slowly deteriorate. Not unless you can look into his heart.’

Although I wouldn't use the word 'dead’ to describe oniisan, he’s certainly not alive anymore. He hadn't been since our parents got married and hell took him in.

Oniisan behind me stirred a bit, but quickly settled again. I stood by his bed and watched. Even in sleep his brows knotted slightly, he still didn't feel any peace. I muttered a silent apology to him. I have to do this oniisan. I wouldn't hope that you'd understand, but believe me, I'm doing this for the sake of both of you. I know you’ll hate me forever if Hiei gives me a negative answer, but it’ll shorten your pain, and maybe in the future you can love again. I just don’t want to watch the pain eat you alive. It’ll kill you. It really will.

Hiei brushed past me, his face for once lost its aloofness. He put a hand on my brother's forehead while the other removed the bandanna that covered his own. There was a horizontal scar right in the middle, then the scar opened…

… It was an eye. A violet eye that gave its own light.

After everything that had happened it didn’t shock me. I would’ve believed it if someone told me my brother wasn’t human. Sometime ago I saw him surrounded by a yellowish light, but I dismissed it as an illusion.

Hiei’s other two eyes closed and he was still. An invisible force hit me and I backed away, never taking my eyes off my brother and his three-eyed friend. Light emitted from Hiei. *Black* light.

My brother moaned, tossed and turned on the bed, then suddenly tears poured down his cheeks. He still had his eyes shut but he was crying so hard as if he wanted to die crying.

My brother’s and Hiei’s eyes snapped open at the same time.

Hiei’s lips parted slightly and he gasped, as if he was somehow surprised.

Oniisan wiped his tears with the back of his hand, the blank look on his face changed to one of embarrassment and uneasiness when he saw Hiei. His hand reached up to take Hiei’s away from his forehead.

‘It’s not nice to look into what others’ trying to hide Hiei. It hurts.’ Tears ran down freely and he didn’t bother wiping them anymore. ‘What am I going to do Hiei? Why didn’t you just leave things as they were?’

Oniisan went without telling us where he was going. Father and Mother reckon he was old enough to have his own way so they didn’t ask. They had nothing to worry about. He had received unconditional offers and scholarships from universities before he had taken his finals.

Besides, oniisan had always been such a good son. They trusted him totally.

I, of course, felt different. I even had doubts about if he’d ever come back to this home again.

That night Hiei left, stumbling out the window, without a word. Oniisan didn’t say anything but went back to sleep again. Everything seemed normal afterwards, except every now and then oniisan would drop his chopsticks when eating, or misplace things he normally wouldn’t... things that normally wouldn't go wrong.

A week later he set off for 'a holiday with his friends'. I had hoped oniisan would contact me, but he didn’t. He was hiding somewhere.

I had a feeling that he wasn’t far away.

It was the typical midsummer night in Japan – humid ,hot, but with an occasional cool breeze. I left home and walked several blocks to where my brother’s close friend should be.

‘Oi! Shuu-kun!’

I took a seat at Yuusuke’s small ranmen ‘shop’, or bar. A couple finished their noodles, put down money and went hand in hand.

‘How’s business?’ I thought I saw a faint white glow surrounding Yuusuke, but when I blinked again it was gone.

‘Great.’ Yuusuke wiped the place in front of me with a damp cloth. He was working hard with the usual enthusiasm. ‘You want chicken ranmen right? Extra spring onions?’

‘Hai.’ I waited until he turned away from me to prepare the noodles I ordered every time I visited him. ‘Is oniisan at your place?’

Yuusuke paused, stole a look at me before getting to work again. ‘I opened the front door one morning and found him sleeping at my doorstep. He wouldn’t let me find you.’

‘How’s he?’

‘He had drinking competitions with my mom, and won every time. After three days he stopped drinking and started eating again. If you ask me how he’s… ‘still alive’ would be the answer. He looked alright, but it feels… weird.’ Yuusuke put a large bowl of steaming chicken ramen in front of me. ‘Enjoy.’

‘Itadakimasu.’ I opened the disposable wooden chopsticks and dug into my dinner.

‘Aren’t you worried?’

‘Yes, but he’s gotta pick himself up this time.’ This was true. I couldn’t help him with anything, although I never regretted talking to Hiei that night.

Yuusuke lifted an eyebrow. ‘You sound a lot older than the last time I saw you.'

‘I’d rather wish I don’t sound like that.’ Experiences make people grow. If I could choose I'd rather be young and ignorant than to go through all this and mature. I was forced to grow up. ‘I’m coming with you to see him tonight.’

The Urameshi residence looked as messy as usual. Oniisan was sitting in front of the TV when I got in. He was ‘sitting’ there, but not ‘watching’ it. ‘Oi Kurama, Shuu-kun forced me to bring him here.’

Yuusuke shouted before disappearing upstairs.

Shuuichi-oniisan looked the same. His hair was combed, his clothes were clean. But it just didn’t feel right.

‘Shuu-kun.’ The usual smile. ‘Ogenki desu ka?’

‘Do you hate me, ‘niisan?’ I swept the rubbish off the sofa and sat next to him.

‘You want an honest answer?’

‘Obviously.’

Oniisan drew his knees towards his chest and stared off into empty space. ‘I don’t know. It might have ended this way anyway, and I know you did it for me. I can’t blame you for it, but still…’

‘You hate me.’ I finished off the sentence for him. His mind had to find someone to hate, to blame for what happened. I didn’t mind if that could make him feel better.

‘I don’t. I can’t hate you, just like I can’t hate your father. I can’t bring myself to hate him as long as he keeps okaasan happy.’ Oniisan gave his hair a flick. ‘I was just mad at you. But now…

I don’t know how I feel. I'm angry with myself, I guess. I wish I could be like you. You can face all these things and even think ahead for me. You’re really strong for your age, you know that? I’m so proud of you.’

‘You’re just a year older than me ‘niisan, and I’m not a bit as tough as you are.’ I meant it. I couldn’t have stand being abused by a new father and act like nothing was wrong just to protect the family. I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

‘Minamino Shuuichi is just 17, but Kurama’s way older than that.’

‘… Would you tell me about Kurama?’

The talking had taken almost the whole night. Yuusuke joined in mid-way and gave me more detail then I could digest in one night. I saw the light again, this time more intense. Yuusuke’s was white, and oniisan’s was a warm yellow.

‘I’ve seen Hiei’s Jagan.’ I notice my brother bit his lip at the mention of the name.

Yuusuke’s eyes widened. ‘You serious? You looked straight at it?’

‘Hai. It kind of gives violet light. What’s wrong with that?’

‘Oi Kurama, I think your brother could be something.’ Yuusuke nudged oniisan in the stomach.

‘Huh?’ Oniisan wasn’t paying attention at all. His mind was somewhere else.

‘He looked at Hiei’s Jagan! Can’t you remember Hiei said that normal ningens die instantly when they see it? Let’s get Botan here to check him out!’

‘I’d rather let my brother lead a normal life.’ Oniisan cocked his head to a side, his emerald eyes fixed on mine and he said to Yuusuke at the same time. ‘The Reikai can’t be trusted. If they decide they don’t like whatever talent Shuu-kun has they might just do away with him. We all know that Yuusuke. Even Koenma himself doesn’t trust the Reikai.’

For a moment I saw a vague image of a silver fox overlapping with Shuuichi’s slender flame. He had silver hair down to the waist and a pair of fox ears at the top of the head. The face was well sculpted with a long nose, thin, sensual lips and glistening golden eyes.

When I looked at Yuusuke I saw a half-transparent image of him with very long jet-black hair and skin covered with tattoos. He looked wild, but more or less the same.

I turned again to look at the fox. I saw more details when I concentrated. The fox had a furry tail and sharp fingernails. And he was… crying. He hugged himself at the waist, his head bent, and his shoulders shook as he sobbed. Silver locks fell to cover his face.

‘’Niisan, does your fox form happen to have silver hair and fox ears?’ Then I asked Yuusuke. ‘And you have long black hair and tattoos everywhere, right?’

‘… Inari-sama. He can see our souls.’ My brother gasped and they both stared at me in utter amazement.

Souls? If the images were their souls, then oniisan’s soul was weeping? Was that why it felt like something was wrong when I came into the house, because although he looked okay actually he was suffering so much inside he could do nothing but cry?

‘Gomen ne. Will you leave us a minute?’

I waited until Yuusuke went into the kitchen. ‘If you want Hiei so much, Kurama,’ I deliberately used his youko name. ‘Go after him and bug him until he loves you. You have eternity to do that.’

My brother was wordless for a moment. I took the opportunity to focus on seeing his soul again.

‘… Why did you suddenly change the subject?’

‘I can see your soul Kurama.’

‘… And?’

‘It’s upset.’ I whispered. ‘Don’t you feel it?’

The blank look on oniisan’s face told me he doesn’t. ‘I’m fine Shuu-kun. I didn’t even think for him just now.’

My God. He wasn’t actually aware of how he’s feeling.

Unconsciously he was denying his own emotions.

That was the most sorrowful thing I could imagine a person doing to himself.

I shook my head. I better not say more, otherwise the facade he built may break down and God knows what he’d do then.

‘I’ve got this feeling that Hiei…’

Oniisan’s pupils widened.

‘Well I’m not so sure, but you remember he stole that book from Mukuro for you?’ I hesitated. I might be wrong. ‘He’s probably – ‘

Kurama shuddered. He looked up and straight at me with his narrow golden eyes.

‘ - in trouble.’ I finished off my sentence.

Okay, that caught Kurama’s attention alright.

‘Yuusuke!’ Oniisan raised his voice. His souls still had his eyes fixed on me.

‘Nani?’ Yuusuke reappeared from the kitchen carrying a tray of coffee cups.

We briefly explained to him what happened: that Hiei stole something from Mukuro and he hadn’t made an appearance for quite some time.

‘Nothin’ to worry about.’ Yuusuke sipped his coffee and cleverly burnt his tongue. ‘Mukuro isn’t what you guys always think. I know her quite a bit ‘cause I took good ol’ Raizen’s place for a while after he died and we met and talked a few times. She’s a sensible woman.’ He said after sticking his tongue out to cool it down.

‘This must be the first time anyone called her "sensible".’ My brother muttered. She can be trusted, but I’d never say she’s sensible.’

Yuusuke set down his cup. ‘No no, I mean it. At the most she’d just lock Hiei up ‘till he tells her why he stole the thing.’

‘That’s bad. That’s very bad.’ Oniisan whispered again.

‘What the hell did he steal anyway? I thought he quitted that a long time ago.’

‘A book on spells and curses.’ Oniisan told us with a low voice.

‘And why’d he want something like that?’

My brother was silent for a while. That night he’d asked if Hiei stole it for him, and Hiei had replied with his ‘hn’. Not long ago before that the Jagan-shi had gone positively mad when he saw oniisan hurt by my father.

The pieces fell into place. He wanted to use a spell from the book to stop Father hurting oniisan. But oniisan didn’t want Yuusuke to know about how Father treated him, so he didn’t answer.

‘Well, I guess we never know what he’s up to.’ Yuusuke sensed something was wrong and didn’t ask again. ‘But what do you wanna do?’

‘Go to Mukuro.’ Kurama bit his lips. ‘And see what’s happening.’

‘But…’

I’ll go if you won’t.’

‘Alright. But what ‘bout Shuu-kun?’ Yuusuke said. ‘Oi Shuu-kun, what do you wanna do?’

I looked at my brother.

‘You have to choose for yourself.’ Oniisan sipped his coffee.

‘We can tell you all we know about the Makai, but you still won’t understand until you see it with your own eyes. Maybe you'd wish you’ve never been there, maybe not.’

‘I don’t know if I’m up for it. I might get eaten as soon as I get there.’

‘You’ll be safe as long as you stay near Yuusuke. No one in the Makai messes around with him. It’s all up to you.’

A day later we were in the Makai, on our way to Mukuro’s palace.

I decided I had to go, just to see what I should do with myself in the future: to join the Reikai Tentei, to do something else with my new found power, or to have a normal life.

If it wasn’t for me Yuusuke and oniisan should be at the palace already, but I couldn’t cope with the physical work of travelling so they had to stop for me all the time. Everything fascinated me: from the red moon that shone in the night, to the strange surroundings with its plants oniisan seemed to be so familiar with, to the youkais that fled as soon as they saw Yuusuke and my brother. It was everything that can be imagined, squared.

We were at the outskirts of her kingdom when a general, who had green slimy skin and horns, came up to us and escorted us to the tower which rose at the centre of the territory. It stood out amongst all the skyscrapers surrounding it.

We went up 32 floors by lift, then the green youkai led us down long winded corridors that took us to a room, which looked exactly like the typical living room one would find in a house in Ningenkai: carpet, sofa, and television. It even had central heating. A woman was in there waiting for us.

‘Oi Mukuro!’

‘Yuusuke, long time no see.’ She wore plain clothes with trousers and her orange hair was cropped near the chin. Her voice was almost melodic. She sounded like she really was glad to see Yuusuke.

Oniisan had already told me she had half her face burnt away so that I wouldn’t be frightened when I see her, but it still shocked me a bit when I finally met her in person. I couldn’t move my eyes from her face. She must once have been a beautiful woman… well, she still looked rather pretty…

‘So I was told you came as a trio this time.’ Mukuro had her eyes on me. They widened, and she walked to me so that she stood just two feet away. She wasn’t tall, just about my height. ‘What’s your name?’

I looked at my brother, and when he nodded in approval I told her. ‘Shuuichi.’

‘Do you want to work for me?’

She laughed softly when Yuusuke and oniisan shot her the ‘you’re-doing-that-again’ look.

‘I’m serious. He’s got great potential. You want to work for me?’

‘Not particularly.’ I didn’t wish to join any group or work for anyone just yet.

‘Well come here when you do. Some training will do you good.’

She looked into my eyes and the gaze held for a few seconds before she turned and said to my brother, ‘I want to talk to all of you since we haven’t met for so long, plus there’s a new friend.’ She nodded in my direction. ‘But I believe you came for something and you wouldn’t be at ease until you get what you want?’

‘One word: Hiei.’ Oniisan said with a non-hostile tone. In fact it sounded totally unemotional.

‘Oh, him.’ Mukuro said as if she just remembered such a youkai ever existed. She paced around the room, sat herself down on a sofa and gestured for us to also sit down. ‘He’s fine, I guess.’

We waited for her to say more. I tried to see her soul but found that it would take a lot of time and concentration to see through her. I didn't bother. It wasn't my habit to look into anyone I meet.

I did not want to abuse my power that way. She seemed to have noticed what I'd been trying to do and flashed me a smile.

‘He came and asked to go back on duty.’ Mukuro touched her lips with her fingers and her brows furrowed slightly. A moment later a small youkai appeared at the door. ‘Get Hiei here.’ She ordered, and the youkai went away.

‘He took something from me, but wouldn’t tell me why he wanted it. I offered to let him have it, but he said he didn’t need it anymore.’ She relaxed in the sofa and a small smile crept up her face. ‘Stubborn bastard.’

At that moment the door opened soundlessly. I felt Hiei before I saw him walking in. ‘What do you want this time woman?’

‘A few friends came to visit and I thought you should make an appearance.’

Hiei wore a black tank top and black trousers, with a katana strapped at the waist. My brother shifted a little when he saw him, but said nothing. It was Yuusuke who spoke first. ‘Oi Hiei, how're ya doin’?’

Hiei look at everyone, except me, with perfect indifference. He must have felt the others before coming in, but he didn’t expect to see me here. Our eyes met, then I turned away. I wasn’t used to being important, but this time I had influenced and changed somebody’s life.

I had yet to find out what attitude I should adopt towards him.

I tried to see his soul but he locked himself so deep I saw nothing. Just as I did with Mukuro.

‘What are you doing here?’ Hiei said, with a bit of annoyance. 'All of you.’

‘Kurama insisted coming to check you out ‘cause apparently you took something from Mukuro without

asking.’ Yuusuke shrugged. ‘Just came in case you’re in trouble.’ Both him and Mukuro smiled.

Hiei eyes looked in my direction. He was asking me the same question.

I wasn’t going to tell him the purpose of my trip, not until I can see through him. So I was silent.

I noticed oniisan was also very quiet since our arrival.

‘Hn. You have too much spare time.’ Hiei concluded. He was leaving.

‘Where’re you going?’

‘Training.’ He said without turning back..

It was then my brother spoke. ‘Can I train with you?’

We all stared at him. Why would he have such an idea?

Hiei didn’t answer, but Mukuro smiled. ‘That sounds a good idea to me. It’s been long since I saw a good proper fight.’

‘…Fine.’

We walked down a long spiral stone staircase, then down maze-like corridors that were well-lit with electric lights and painted walls. It wasn’t a bit like those horror movies I saw in the Ningenkai. Hiei led the way, Mukuro and oniisan followed closely behind, Yuusuke and I walked at the back.

‘Shuu-kun, what the hell’s wrong with them?’ Yuusuke bent down and whispered to me.

Our footsteps echoed as we walked down the shining marble floor, conveniently covering our hushed voices. ‘ No idea.’ I lied for the obvious reasons. ‘Do they always train together?’

‘Gods no! I’ve never seen them fighting for any reasons. That’s why I’m asking you.’

We came up to a large pair of metal doors that seemed too heavy for Hiei’s small frame, but he pushed them open effortlessly, revealing a massive room that had nothing but numerous columns that supported the ceiling.

‘Stay near Yuusuke and Mukuro.’ My brother told me before he followed Hiei to the centre of the room, a hand reaching back to his hair to draw out a rose that had the same red as his locks.

They stood in the middle of the room for what felt like eternity, and then all of a sudden Hiei disappeared from his spot in a blur of black. Oniisan moved at the same time, jumping to the air when Hiei got to where he was standing, unsheathing his katana at the same time.

‘Rose Whip!’ Oniisan called and the rose in his hand became a whip with deadly thorns. It hit one of the stone columns, which cracked and crumbled.

My eyes struggled to follow their movements, but saw only blurs of red and black.

‘Try using your other sense kid.’ Mukuro told me. I didn’t like being called ‘kid’, but considering she was probably several centuries older than I was, I kept quiet, and tried what she said, focusing on ‘sensing’ them instead of seeing them. The blurred colours gradually converged and blended to form sharp images.

Oniisan had a thin blade made out of a leaf in one hand and the Rose Whip in the other. Hiei was above him in the air, his katana going down for oniisan’s shoulder. Oniisan blocked the attack with his leaf blade, jumping back at the same time as the rose whip went out, narrowly missing Hiei.

Hiei’s leg connected with oniisan’s stomach a split second later, sending him across the floor, hitting one of the tall columns.

Kurama’s soul became visible to me. He had his arms around where Hiei had just kicked, and he had his head flung back. He was laughing, painfully, and almost insanely.

At that moment I suddenly remembered my father. What in front of me reminded me of how Father hurt oniisan, the kickings and beatings, and oniisan letting him do so, when he could have stopped him or fought back instead.

I had a very, very unpleasant feeling that something would go wrong. Something BAD would happen.

‘Yuusuke.’ I whispered under my breath, my eyes not leaving the fighting pair. ‘Stop them.’

‘Nani?’

‘Stop them!’

‘But why - ‘

Yuusuke stopped mid-way when the katana chopped oniisan’s rose whip into two, the half falling onto the ground and turned back into the rose it had once been, minus the stem, and wilted.

‘Hey you two, don’t get too serious!’ Yuusuke cupped his hand near his mouth and shouted when the two of them continued on despite oniisan losing his rose whip. ‘That’s quite enough for the day! Shuu-kun's scared!’

This got no response from them. Either they didn’t hear Yuusuke, or they were ignoring him.

They stood some thirty feet away from each other, both panting and hands gripping their weapons, waiting for the right moment to come.

This would be the final attack.

Then I saw Kurama turned to our direction, and smiled at me.

The madness in his eyes was gone, now they shone with a light of grave determination.

It was at that moment I finally realise what oniisan was going to do.

‘No…’ My knees gave and I felt them hitting the cold stone ground. ‘Someone stop them. STOP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!’ I heard every muscle in my body scream as I watched the two dashed out for their final attack, oniisan’s blood red hair flying in the air, as if to mock the blood that shall be spilt.

How can you do this to me? Who’s going to give the support and strength? Who’s going to guide me with my newfound power? Who’s going to help me with my work? How am I going to explain to Father and Mother?

How can you be so selfish?

‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

To be continued...