Entanglement
by Monica Shin
He winks, a flash of green, and underneath that, I imagine that I see a glimmer of silver. Then he turns and walks away, away from me. Away from me, and toward the prison that he returns to voluntarily, every time. I feel, as I always do, a tinge of regret because I never call to him, tell him to come back to me.
I watch him, as he goes back to his human life, giving up that freedom he has every time he is in the Makai, every time he is on "detective" business. I could see him suppressing his wild self, putting his mask of dutiful student, of loving son, over his soul. I want to shout out and make him stop, but instead, I let him go.
As he leaves, I let my eyes gaze upon him. He is beautiful... these thoughts are forbidden, because of what we can't be... not while he's willing to be trapped, willing to let himself be captured by those humans. I refuse to be caught by anyone, not even by him. Not unless...
His hair is tousled by the wind... I want to be able to do what the wind does, reach out and touch those blood-red locks. Why... why do I want to feel those silken strands between my fingers? Why do I want to call out, and pull him back to me? Caress his soft, pale skin, and discover all of Kurama...
I have to stop. I am Hiei, and will not let myself be entangled with someone who is imprisoned, even if it is by his own will. How could he chain himself to this world, to this body. As much as I want, need that body, I can't understand how he can stand it, his very self becoming even more linked to their ways.
How can he live, without the freedom that all of his kind are known to prize? How could I be with someone who denies a part of himself, content to live as a mere human? I look at his retreating back, feeling despair... His beauty will die, suffocating under his mask...
I can feel it, his gaze hot upon my back. Though he does not know it, I always wait a little, to see if he will call to me. He never does, and he does not do so now. Why? I always want to turn to him, look into those deep, dark red eyes, and lose myself in him. I would, if he would only call...
Why do I not go to him, tell him how I feel? Why... I know why. Because he does not accept a part of me... because he refuses to see that I am not trapped, not in the way he thinks. If he does not want to know all the parts of me, how can I invite him? How can I go to someone who only wants me to be half of what I am?
I am Kurama. I have been Kurama far longer than Hiei can truly understand. I was free to steal and love for a long time before I became Shuuichi. But the time before I became partly human is a time without a true depth... I was intimate with many, loving some, hating others. I had friends and enemies, a life full of danger and challenge. But through it all, there was no direction in my life, except to become stronger, become better. Those loves I had were not anything to what I feel now... He is different. I can feel it. Why do I feel such an attraction to such a being? He would have not mattered to me before, not like this. How is it I can feel so deeply about such a person...
Physical attraction. That is common to me, and I have dealt with it before. I have had such feelings before with lovers, of wanting to always feel them, touch them. Of wanting to be entangled within their arms, to never let go. But it had never lasted, when I was that capricious Youko. It had never become such an obsession for me.
Back then, I had had lovers, and friends. My lovers and I were not monogamous... we had kept each other warm throughout the night, and when day came, there was always someone else. But there were also friends who became lovers... partners in all senses of the word. But even they were not what I wanted Hiei to become... they were always friends, first and foremost, before anything else.
Why can't he understand? I can't abandon being a human because my soul is already partly one. I can never truly become what I was, what he sees when I assume the form of Youko. Can't he see that one of the reasons that I love him differently than any others is because I am human? It has changed me, more than he realizes... I want to go to him, but I cannot. He does not, cannot see that I am what I am to him because of my human side, as well as my Youko side. So I walk on, leaving him behind. I go back to my human life, and wish that he were there, next to me...
All I can feel is frustration, staring at his back. Frustration because all I can do is watch... frustration because he is leaving once again... Leaving to chain himself even more strongly to his human side, slowly strangling the other, youkai side...
Can I watch him walk away from me like this once again? Yes... no. No, not anymore. Somehow, this time, I have to ask him. I run, and somehow manage to stand before him, looking into his startled, glorious eyes. He says, "Hiei... what do you want?" in a casual tone, but his eyes tell me that he also feels that longing that I cannot express...
None of the usual banter, or roughness is in my speech now. I have an overwhelming urge to flee, but instead, look to the sky, and ask, "Why?" Why. That one word, that one question, hangs in the air between us. Why. That one word has managed to reveal all the wonderings, questions, wants, and needs that I have been feeling, that we both have been feeling, and yet could not say. Why.
Hiei is before me. I am delighted- he has finally come to me?- but I am also wary. He has a strange expression on his face... the same one that I have seen whenever we are together, and I happen to look into a still pond... I try to be nonchalant, asking what he wanted. He speaks, in a manner I was not accustomed to hearing from him. It sounds almost childlike in it's depth of wondering.
"Why?" That one simple phrase rings in my head like a bell. No, his manner may seem childlike, but in his tone, his longing is obvious. The same longing I have every time I look at him, want to touch him... Finally, it is out there, in the open. A demand to know... a demand to finally resolve those issues we have been avoiding for too long.
I look at him, deciding how to answer the question. He knows that I can interpret that one worded plea in any way that I like... He also knows that I will give him the answer that he is searching for, even if I don't know the question. Finally, I smile, and say, "I am human, Hiei. A human in love..."
The gaze, the smile that he lays upon me is like a blow to my chest. His eyes are windows into his spirit, and I see all that he wants from me, all that he needs from me. I see all that he wants to give me, share with me. Love... such a small word. He loves me. I love him. Why is it so hard?
"Kurama, I..." Who knew that saying these few words would be so hard? "I want you with me..." I won't say it, but he knows... he knows what I mean. But... "I can't stay with you... not when you chain your very self away like this. You're making yourself human when you're not- you're voluntarily blinding yourself."
I listen to him, and can't help but feel some joy at those words. It is as close as he will come, to admitting it out loud... But the rest. What can I say? "I am at least partly human now. I can't be with you either, if you don't realize that. I'm not trapped, because the Ningenkai is my home now too."
I hear his statement. His denial of my love... no, not denial. But it is the truth, terrible to hear. I want to run, and start to turn to leave, much as he did to me. I will not risk being caught... not even for him... I love freedom too much for that.
Then, as suddenly as I had appeared in front of him, he does the same. Looking into my eyes, he asks me the same question. "Why?" Why. He is asking me everything with that word. Why do I run? Why can't I accept his humanity? Why can I just be able to walk away, after those words have finally been said?
I find that question difficult to answer. Had it been this hard for Kurama? Maybe... How could I know? I smile at him, a smile without any humor, and answer in a direct imitation of his own. "I am not human, Kurama. Not human, and not in love." Not true, but still biting. Will it drive him away? Maybe... I can never be human, and won't let myself be like them, the way he is- so short-lived, so blind. Never able to see past their own, petty lives.
His flippant remark, and the true pain in his eyes combine to stab me in my heart. How like him, to be so vulnerable one moment, and so powerful the next. The combination of levity and pain in his presence has conspired to make me lose any high ground I might have had.
It is too much like his ultimate attack, his way of responding to everything. Overkill, and then hibernation, running away into inside the mind, leaving him so that he could be very easily hurt. It is those times that I want to be with him the most, to protect him, to make sure that no one will hurt him while he is unguarded like that.
Except now, it is because of me that he is fleeing. I see it in his eyes, that he is preparing to leave, to not come back until the wall between us is even higher than it was before- impenetrable. He will leave, and all of this will be forgotten by him... I don't want it to be forgotten. Those words I have been guarding so jealously have been said... will they now be lost? No.
I see the hurt in his eyes, as my last remark hits home. Good. Maybe this will distract him enough so I can leave, recoup. He has rejected me for humanity... I have to accept that on my own, and won't let him see me weak- I can't come back until this pain in my heart has at least dulled...
He is still in front of me, but his sight is aimed inward. Now would be the best time to go- now, before... before what? Before he realizes what I am about to do? Probably. I gather myself to go, and am about to leap, when he wraps his arms around me.
"What the hell are you doing, Kurama? You know that I can't accept you as you are, and you won't be with me if I am as I am. Damn it- I'm... I'm sorry. I can't change what I feel, and I won't. Not even for you... not even for you."
I suppose I should let go of him. But if I do, he'll leap out of my life, and never come back- at least, as the Hiei that I want, that I need... I feel him struggle against my imprisoning arms, trying to get me off. "I'm not going to let you go, Hiei. I won't let you go away, fly off to wherever you hide out in the Makai, and never come back."
I hold him closer to me, and whisper, "I love you too much for that." He struggles vainly in my grip, and then stops. I hear him say faintly, "Let me go... Kurama... don't trap me like this... don't." I hear the hopelessness in his voice, as if he doesn't expect me to. And so I do.
He looks up at me in surprise, as I gently let him go. I smile at him, softly and sadly, before I turn away. Why? Why did I do that? I know why... I have heard too much sadness in my life, and I don't want to cause that in his. That hopelessness that I heard- I won't let myself be the one to cause that, even if it is for love.
I knew that I was going to give in, that his embrace would make me surrender. I couldn't help but to whisper one last plea, before I gave up. He had me in his grasp, and then he let me go. Let me go, and turned his back, giving me time to leave.
I will go now, before he changes his mind. But then that smile flashes in my mind. A smile full of experience, and of unresolved sadness. Why? Why can't I just fly away? Because... I don't know. Why am I so frantic not to be caught? Because I am afraid that if I am not free, too many will be depending on me...
Yukina- she has me caught, and I can't mind. I love her too much. But I know that it makes me vulnerable, weak. If someone threatened her, I wouldn't be able to do anything... and now Kurama has put me almost in the same position... except I can walk away, before it becomes permanent. I can walk away...
I hear his steps, and then a whisk of air. So, he's left... Why was I so disappointed? He did not want any restrictions, any traps upon him. I let him go, after all. Why should I be surprised that he has gone? I turn around, ready to go back to the Ningenkai, when I see him.
He is still, watching me. A struggle is evident in his face. I look at him, the question evident in my eyes. All he will tell me is, "Damn you, Kurama. You're too good a thief... you slipped in and got past my guard. You've stolen my heart already."
I look at his face, feeling his bitterness. I smile at him, and then I put my hand over my heart. I clench my hand, and then use a wisp of power. A rose is in my hand, red as heart's blood... I smell its fragrance, and then give it to him. I tell him, "Here. I'm giving it back to you... I don't want to steal anything from you."
I look at the rose, trying to hide my confusion. I don't understand. We can't be together... he's letting me go. Then why am I feeling such a compulsion to stay? The flower reminds me of the human Kurama. The red matches his hair, the green his eyes... and it is so short lived and vulnerable. But you don't want to let go of such a precious thing...
I look into his eyes, trying to fathom its depths. It holds power, pain, experience. All the things that has attracted me to him are there, in that mortal shell. How could I not have seen before? This fear of mine that he would make me weak- how could I believe such a thing, when he is Kurama? Whatever form he is in, he has more than enough power to defend himself.
I laugh, a laugh full of relief, and happiness. He looks at me, uncomprehending, as I surrender to him. No, not surrender. I give myself to him, as a gift, as he has gifted me with my heart, with himself in this single rose. I give him a gift too... acceptance of him as all that he is, all that he means to me.
He sees it in my eyes, and smiles at me. Then, his lips touch mine in a pledge. A pledge of the love that we have for each other, of the mutual entanglements we have about each other's souls. We are trapped... but it is a trap of our own choosing. It makes such a difference, choice. It is not a prison, but a haven for our love...
---Finis---