"The Things I’ll Never Get"
File:04 Vox
written by Ravenna

I wake up to pain. The pain of pure madness, and despair. The pain and panic of having a lover snatched away by a spiky haired blonde with a cute ass. Even so, it hurts like hell. And to see it in front of me, it is like salt in a fresh blood sore. I wonder if this how Marcel Brothel felt?

So I ran faster But it caught me here Yes my loyalties turned Like my ankle
In the seventh grade Running after BILLY Running after the rain
These precious things Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things
Let them break their hold over me He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play And I died But I thanked him
Can you believe that sick sick holding on to his picture Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces Of those beautiful BOYS Those christian boys
So you can make me cum that doesn't make you JESUS These precious things
Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things
Let them break their hold over me I remember
No one dared No one cared To tell me where Those demigods where
With their NINE-INCH nails and little fascist
Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things Let them break
Let them wash away These these precious things Let them bleed now
Let them wash away These these precious things Let them break their hold over me
Precious Precious
~Tori Amos

The halls of my once admirable GARDEN seem endless. I guess when you vomit up half your blood stream it can take hell and more out of you. Zell and Squall have (skipped and frolicked like two virgin lovers) walked to class a little while ago. I know I must be late because these halls, these walls, are abandoned like on a school holiday. I turn the corner to my classroom closing my eyes.

"Alec?" Quistis asked me as soon as I got to the training room, "Are you all right? You look more pallid than usual,"

I manage a weak smile (not like the ones I could give to Squall on a daily basis) and simply add, "Yeah. I didn’t sleep that well though,"

"Oh...," she comforts, "Well, we are training today, so I would expect you to stay at top condition,"

"Yes, I know...," I say stretching out my arms, "I’ll try my best today, regardless,"

"We’ll see....," she added walking away.

Amidst the normal clash of metal and heat I felt myself being more lethargic and in pain than usual. Squall and Zell pay no heed to me anyway, so it was not like looking for sympathy anyway. As their gaze grew more intense, so did the pain. The damn black raspberry swirl of the pain. I was mainly surprised at no one noticing them looking at each other all love like.

"That’s all from you two," Quistis said breaking up a group of male fighters, "You both did great. The next group I would like to hear from is.....," she flipped around in a clipboard nervously. "Zell Dincht and...... why you Alec. We’ll just change that...,"

"What?" I said, "What do you mean?"

"If you think your to weak to train.....," said Quistis, "I can pair up Mr. Dincht with another student....,"

"No. I’ll be fine," I comment quickly and test out my arms. They seem to function correctly. Then it’s time for both legs. They too seem equally responsive. My back agrees with a crink or two. My breathing seems a little irregular, but that’s normal. I step on the battlefield and watch Zell get up off his knees and whisper (seductive comments) a few words to Squall. Squall gives me a worried glance and nods slowly.

Zell finally approaches me and comments, "Are you sure man? Cause I don’t think you’re up to it,"

"How about you?" I say coldly, "Are you sure your not to tired. After all, I heard you didn’t get a wink of sleep last night,"

His flushes up, "Nah, man.... I’m fine. But, I mean.... c’mon,"

"I will be perfectly able for this training assignment," I say almost, as if to say, I was programmed, "I’ll go easy on you, if that’s what your trying to get at....,"

He manages a small frown, "Nah... That’s not what I mean..... but all right. If I fight you want, I fight you shall get,"

I ready my staff in fury. Revenge. Revenge, sweet never-faltering revenge. Maybe I’ll make him pay for all that pain I’ve suffered. I’ll show Squall that I’m not as weak and gracious as he thought me to be. I’ll beat Zell, and maybe he’ll finally admire me. Perhaps, even love me.....

"All right!" shouted Quistis from her teaching corner, "You will be given ten minutes against the other person. As you all know, you will be given a power crystal that should be placed on your chest. The first person to break a power crystal will be the winner of the training and will gain extra points. If the time limit runs out, the match will be stalemate. If this happens no points will be awarded. It is imperative that you each try your best,"

She handed the jewels to a boy junior class. The boy ran over and gave Zell his crystal, adding in a good luck. He then sprinted over to me handing me a crystal. His face nearly wrenched when he made brisk contact with my hand and ran back.

"Great," I thought, "That’s one more person against me. Maybe it’s true. Some have a knack for sensing sickness,"

"All right. Let’s have a fair match. Begin!"

Zell readied his brass knuckles and begin to launch a weak punch at me. I dodged the punch and rammed the but of my staff into his stomach. Cheap first shot. He began to hunch over, from either surprise or pain.

"My, my, my Zell," I taunted, "This is hardly what I expected,"

That ought to get the ball rolling a little. I know Zell as well as I know all hot headed people. One or two taunts, and it will get his flame going.

"You.....," he grunted. Then he started in with the pummels.

I threw up my staff to block everything he threw at me. I grunted my teeth; I couldn’t keep blocking like this, or the time would run out.

I leaped back and cast a weak fire spell from inside my staff. It seem to keep him off me just for the moment. I followed up the fire spell with a ram which hit him square in the jaw. He fell back and grabbed his face in pain on the floor. His gem shined brightly, like some constant reminding medallion. I would need to make the next hit count. I raised my staff and prepared to lower it down on him like some housewife defending herself from a burglar for the first time.

"Wait! Alec, stop!!!" shouted a voice.

I turned to the direction of the voice but saw no one. By the time I turned back there was Squall embracing Zell checking out his wound.

"Please.... Let him get up first anyway,"

"Squall!" yelled Quistis, "You know you can’t disturb a training match,"

The students gaped at him with awe.

"Yes Instructor Trepe.... I know," Squall said looking down, "But.... I needed to give Zell a fair chance,"

Squall got up walking back to his spot not even making eye contact with me. It hurt. It hurt like hell. He protected the man I wanted to prostrate with revenge. He never once protected me in his life. And once again the tears threatened to well up in my copper eyes; eyes I so hoped to gaze lovingly with Squall, my one true love. Eyes that promised to be protective of my love. What was protection anyway? He only took pity on me time from time... nothing else.

"Squall.... That’s all right, I can beat this shit fuck on my own....," Zell said angrily.

Shit fuck. A godamn shit fuck. That’s all I really was anyway. Of course, Squall seemed to agree whole heartily as well. My heart seemed to throb in un-relenquished pain, pain Zell was sure to return to me. Me, another supposed heterosexual student, wearing a heavy black frayed coat that seemed to devour his body. A student that would let anyone walk all over him.

"I...I...," I began to choke out.

What the hell do I wanna say? Sorry? Fuck you? Anything.

Zell got up and began to increase on me with increasing fury.

"Let him," my mind said, "Let him,"

He punched in from side to side, expecting me to block. His blue eyes seemed to gleam with happiness and surprise as the knuckles contacted with my flesh. Again, and again I witnessed the fists pound on my sides.

"This pain couldn’t possibly feel worse than the pain last night. And I’m not talking about that little blood gravy you shed either. You know, the nasty. Squall and Zell. Doing the thing...," my mind began to replay.

Now he was building up speed and power, fastening his blows to my gut and waist.

"No....," I murmured for a second.

Zell then followed by a sharp uppercut to my chin and then brought his leg around; bringing his heel down on my shoulder. Bright speckles of a saliva and blood flew out of my mouth sparkling the tile flooring like a diamond mashed into bits. I staggered back a little.

"Now," Zell said running his fist into the other hand, "I’ll show you how it’s done, man," He summoned a thunder he had saved up.

A bright swirling bolt hit me directly in the solar plexus. I fell backwards grabbing at my chest, while my breath got more faint. Pain. This was something I found myself all the more comfortable with at time. Pain...

"Squall did come to Zells rescue," I thought, "What makes me think he wouldn’t do the same for me? After all, friends and friends are alike,"

When I looked up I experienced a moment worse than death. Instead of running to my rescue like I had hoped, he was there shouting to Zell. Routing him on.

"Go on Zell!" Squall said energetically, "Beat him! Go Zell!"

"Oh god no," I continued to think, "No. No. No. He is my friend. He loves me. He loves me and he wanted me to be protected. I know so, Zell knows so, and he knows so. I.... I....,"

I heard a sound that was not very unlike a straw scraping the bottom of a glass. I was not to startled to find out, it was my breathing. Zell had taken a black spike and had punctured wide holes in my heart and lungs. Everything was spilling out for everyone to see, and they picked up like snobs touching a napkin that was minutely dirty.

"Get out," my mind told me, "Get out of the room now!"

"But.... But.... I haven’t won!" I thought, "I can’t leave without breaking the crystal,"

"Oh...," my mind’s voice said, "Is that all? Well, break the damn thing already! Hurry, Alec before it breaks you!"

"Break..., break it? But... I need to prove to Squall I am strong like Zell, and anyone else... then he’ll love me,"

"Get out, get out, get out!"

"C’mon Alec! Get up already!" Zell said taunting.

Without thinking I got to my feet and held up my staff, bringing it down in a position very similar to an amateaur trying to commit suicide with a butcher knife. "Wha?" Zell shouted surprised.

I brought the staff forward and with a quick recoil; I smashed the gem with the butt of my staff. Shards of green smoked tinted glass scattered on the floor like wild fire. Within moments there was no trace of the gem ever lying on my chest and the room around me swirled around with acquisitions. Among them was Squall, the man I loved since I first laid my copper eyes upon. The man that I had promised to love for ever. The man who now loves Zell, who eyes are fixated on me as well. I turned and ran out of the room, the colors around me almost seeming to drip away.

"Real smart, Alec," my mind piped up, "Where the hell are ya gonna go anyway?"

"My dorm," I replied to no one but myself.

"Why are you going there? What is it going to accomplish?"

"I’m going to commit suicide," I thought, "Then I’ll never have to feel the pain again. Never have to feel it in my heart or elsewhere,"

The room to my dorm slammed behind me; I angrily locked it.

"Stop it, Alec-stop giving yourself the horrors. Don’t you have enough to worry about without thinking of death?"

"No. Death has already come to me, I’m ready for any embrace! Even death’s! I will stay locked up, dead in this room forever. No one even has to know!"

"Eventually someone will find you, Alec, but it might take a long time. But sooner or later people will start looking for you. It’ll probably be Squall or Zell who get the wheels turning, don’t you think? I mean, there are a couple students you call friends, but you’ve never let them inside your life, have you? Acquaintances is really all they are, students to have lunch and swap information with. None of them are going to worry if you drop out of sight for a week or ten days. But Squall will be curious, and when you don’t show up by Friday afternoon, I think he’ll go asking around. Yes, that’s they way it probably will start, but I think it will be the caretaker who actually discovers your body, don’t you? I bet he’ll turn his face away while he’s throwing a black bag over you, Alec. He won’t want to see your fingers and legs stick out as stiff as pencils and white as candles. He won’t want to look at your frozen mouth, or the foam long since dried to scales on your lips. Most of all he won’t want to look at the expression of sadness and pain in your eyes, so he’ll shift his own eyes to the side while he covers you up,"

"No more...please, no more," I shouted to nothing.

But the voice continue to mock and plead.

"He’ll call the nurse and some undercover workers, even Squall and Zell will come. They’ll all stand around you smoking cigars, and when the coroner pulls off the bag, they’ll wince. Yes-I think even the most hardened of them all will wince a little, and some may even leave the room for awhile. Their buddies will razz them about it later. And the ones who stay will nod and tell each other that they guy died hard. "You only have to look at him to see that," they’ll say, But they won’t know the half of it. They won’t know that the real reason your eyes are staring and your mouth is frozen in a whimper is because of what you felt at the end. What you saw coming for you in the dark. Squall may not of been your first lover, but death will. He’ll come. And he’ll take you,"

"If you don’t stop right now...," I began intending to interrupt the voice.

"They’ll take you to the nurses office and she will cut out you open so that they can inventory your guts. That’s the rule in cases of unattended or questionable death, and yours is going to be both. She’ll have a peak at what’s left of your last meal-some ramen and digested tea powder, you know that’s awful Alec!-and take a little section of your heart under her microscope, and she’ll call it death by...,"

"Stop right now!" I shouted slamming my head hard on the floor.

Big mistake. I was knocked cold from pain, and death for that matter.

End Of 0:4 Vox. Next 0:5 The Last Days of Our Acquaintance