I guess that happens when you spend so much time with a person, you attach yourself to them, and are not able to let go. Maybe that is why we all have so much problems with people... We all shouldn’t set ourselves up to get hurt, it’s actually kind of pointless when you think about it.

"Afraid, but you will not run
Alone, thy will be done
confessed, but you still feel the shame
Bring me into your arms again
touch these eyes with a broken smile
touch my mouth with your furrowed brow
with my heart feel my shame
Lead me into rest again
The night is long,but the day will come
with promises were the chosen one
Soak the sea
Sweet taste the rain
fall tonight into my arms again,"
~Sinead O’Connor from Heroine

Daylight breaks through my window, meaning only one thing. I rise out of bed and begin to prepare tea and rice (the cafeteria is probably abnormally crowded even at this time of morning) and stare at the sunset over the backdrop. I am still wet from last night, where I was fantasizing about Squall. (as lame as it sounds, I spilled the water on my nightstand on myself) I sigh heavily from all those recollections I had last night about Squall. They were only about week ago, and Squall is still single for all I know. Speaking of Squall, he left about an half hour ago (to the cafeteria most likely) and met up with Zell, who, apparently was on his way to the cafeteria also. It’s really amazing how much a person can observe in one morning. I was almost half tempted to go with them, but I guess I wasn’t really in the mood this morning. I begin to strip off my clothing and step into my bathroom. I flick on the light to this primitive bathroom, so small, yet so clean and precise. I’ve never been one hard to please, but the bathroom is so small, one of those old-fashioned sinks and stand-in-showers. I’ve heard stories of everyone springing a leak eventually, and I have to knock on wood when it comes to that remark. I press the play button on the CD player with one naked toe, (I’ve finally modernized my bathroom, Squall let me borrow the player) and I began to listen to an old Celtic CD I found in a shop a long time ago. The group was called Clannad. I think they have the best music to meditate too. Of course it is not as loud or overbearing as Squall’s tastes in music. At the thought of that name, I begin to dream of him once again.

The water hisses through the snake like faucet, as I begin to do the daily rituals of cleansing as quickly as I can.

Fol lol the doh, fol the day I tend to be a little more than picky on what I look like, because I’m afraid of Squall hating how I look. (It sounds dumb, I know) He is more beautiful than I am, which I have no objections on admitting.

Imtheochaidh soir is siar, A dtainig ariamh, An ghealach is an ghrian

His wavy brown hair, his dark mysterious eyes, and his perfect body..... they always haunt me into looking five times better than anyone would ever permit themselves from looking.

Fol the day, fol the day

I lean my elbows on the bathroom wall, and let the water hit my back. Usually one of the biggest make out places in stories, movies, books, and in real life, is in the shower. Personally, I never could make out in the shower, it never seemed to arouse me.

Imtheochaidh an ghealach's an ghrian, An Daoine og is a chail 'na dhiadh

I guess I’m afraid of hitting my head on the bottom, and going unconscious or something.

Fol the day fol the day

Another thing I can’t stand is how likely people are to masturbate in the shower. I could never see myself or anyone else doing that. I don't even sing in the shower, let alone release in one. Yet, if Squall wanted to, I know I would give in.

"What did you say?" I asked the blonde in front of me.

Zell repeated in his normal boisterous tone, "I said that, me and Squall are sneaking out tonight to go to one of those new night clubs tonight. Ya wanna come with us?"

I have to laugh at the proposition. I’m the least likely person to go "clubing"..... but I know what Squall is up to. He probably wants to make up for all those times I took care of him. I almost blush at the niceness of the gesture.

"Tell him I would love to," I say smiling, "I think it would be really good to check out a place like that, ah..... club,"

He is almost taken aback at my response.

"Whoa, Alec! I thought you would of said no for sure! Squall will be glad that your coming along,"

I smile at the thought. Maybe by the end of the night I can have Squall blushing.

"I’ll be ready, so just knock on my door," I say turning away from him.

I rarely change out of my school uniform. Missions are the only time we are permitted to change into a more casual attire. I lay out myself a long black coat and a long black robe (my usual casual attire) and begin to unbutton my school uniform. I’m hoping things will go well, after all, this is a good enough chance as any to tell Squall how I feel about him. I hear a knock on my door (or what seems like a knock) and finish dressing. Zell winks and flashes a huge smile at me through the open door.

"You ready, man?" he says nearly knocking me over with his pride.

"As ready as I’ll ever be," I say with a small smile of satisfaction, "So, where is Squall? Still getting ready?"

"Nah man," Zell says scratching the back of his head, "He had to make sure it was safe first,"

"Then what are we waiting for?" I ask, "The okay, or something?"

"Something like that," Zell says looking up, "Alec.... Can I tell you something that has been bugging me?"

"Hmmm? Sure, what’s up?" I ask a little impatiently.

"Well," he said, "There is some one, I really am starting to..... have feelings for,"

"Have you told anyone? It’s pretty strange for a guy like you Zell..... to have any feelings for anyone else...,"

"I know Alec.....," Zell said with his eyes beginning to glaze over, "But this time..... I’m really sure,"

I give him a weak punch on the arm, "Well then go for it! C’mon Zell, I know you and your hunches. Your almost always right,"

"Thanks man, your the best," he said cheering up a little.

"Now.... Would you care to tell me who?" I say fiendishly.

"Well..... okay.... but, you have to swear to give me your honest opinion though,"

I think this over and am ready to respond, when the most gorgeous man walks from down the hallway.

"Ready to go Alec?" Squall says putting his arm around my shoulders.

I melt in his warmth, "Yeah......, I’m ready,"

"I’ll have to tell you later then Alec," Zell says with disappointment.

"About what?" I ask.

I have to laugh now when I realize this is my first time in a club or bar for that fact. Squall and Zell are nearly pulling me by the ear to go here and there. Maybe they can sense I have no idea what is going on. I thought many things in here would shock me, but surprisingly they don’t. People stay in a corner (which I like to refer to as the cozy corner) and talk or (shoot up some new drug) make out violently. The whole bar is extremely dim and hazy. I can barely make out the platted black leather furniture. Some people dance crazily in their grunge clothing and their blonde and black spiked hair flies around madly. A whiny type of music is blaring, I think Squall called it "alternate" style music. Squall leads me to a black leather stool at the bar. He leans on the back of his..... so he can still scope out what is going on. Zell sits next to Squall, and to my surprise he acts a little nervous. Maybe he saw someone he knew..... yet, something tells me it is more though.

Squall motions to the bar tender and he asks in an eager voice, "Alec what do you want?"

I nearly fall out of my seat, "Umm... What your having sounds nice," I say trying to cover it up, "But I don’t want you drinking to much, because I may start charging for room and board," I say jokingly.

He laughs, "Okay, I promise," he slides me over a sparkling yellow drink.

I can’t stand the taste of alcohol, but apparently other people fall in love with it. It’s mesmerizing affects, it’s bubbling taste in your mouth. I only drink sake, or on some occasions Kirin. I down the mysterious liqour and order a light Kirin. The only one, I promise myself, I'll have tonight. I'm lost in though as a examine the actions of others, their dances, their movements. I find myself almost knocked out by these vivid display of animated people. I turn back to Squall and Zell, who seem to have been talking. The music is to loud to make out what they are saying though. Zell and Squall are talking about something (I’m dying to find out) which, I am totally uninterested in hearing about. Then something bizarre-but not that strange happened. I saw a tears form in Zell’s blue eyes. Squall pulled him close to his chest and started to stroke his back. In front of the dancers, the bar, the bar tender, god, and everyone else who wanted to take a look. Maybe I drank to much Kirin..... but is this what it looked like?

"Squall?" I ask, trying not sound angry, "I forgot something, and I think I should go. See you back at Garden,"

I jump out of my seat and head for the door not looking back. I think he may of said (screamed) wait, but I am prone to forget the important things. On my way out the bar tender offered my another Kirin, and I replied, "No thanks, I'll have some more when I get back,"

I lay on my bed naked and shivering with two bottles of Kirin on the floor beside me. Thinking, and hoping for some kind of conclusion. Zell likes Rinoa, or maybe even Selphie. Not Squall. There is no fucking way, Zell and I could of fallen for the same man. They have nothing in common. Squall deserves better. Squall doesn’t like him, he likes me. Zell has a bad hunch. I sit up not being to focus. I stare at the wall for awhile until a door slams. The door next to mine. Squall’s door. Two voices. A zipper. The voices in my mind are taunting me now. Squall hates you. Zell loves him. Squall has fallen for Zell for a long time. You blew it. He could never of liked you. Did I hear a scream? Agony? Passion? I lean my head to the wall and start to cry in anger. Damn it! How could.... I let it happen? A half an hour passes, an hour passes. Did they go all the way? Did they just talk? Voices, now in an angry tone. A door slams, and I hear sobbing in the hallway. A knock on my door.

I slip into a black robe and open the door. I close my eyes and try to keep my composure.

"Zell.... Come inside," I say taking him under my wing of japanesque hospitality.

He is only wearing a tight pair of stained black briefs. Of course... I know what happened, as I watch his body pulse at my table, wet from three chemicals. One of them, I wouldn’t mind having inside of me right now. After all, anyone could sweat and cry. I’ve never seen Zell so broken up before. Squall must of said something (he has never been a master at words) that hurt him. I place a tea mug in front of him.

"Alec? Oh... what is this?" Zell said wiping his eyes with a free arm.

"That," I reply, "is green tea. It will make you feel worlds better, so drink it to calm yourself,"

I watch him drink the steaming green fluid. As he set it down on the table the green powder began to swirl on the top in their own whirlpool.

"Thanks, but....," he says, "Do you have a beer or something? Drinking helps me more than tea,"

"I have sake, and that, I only use on very rare occasions," I say coldly.

"Oh....," he says beginning to clam up.

I sigh and get out the hot tub. I put a cup in front of him and pour it in as an offering. I want to scream at him.

"You BASTARD! How dare you ask for something! I’m taking you in, and you haven’t even begun to see how I feel! Sake makes you feel happy and secure. Do you ever think I get depressed?"

He drinks it quickly and starts to grow calmer, ...... or so I thought until he breaks down. I go over to him and pull him into my chest as I did Squall. He really is not bad looking (although I never wanted him, nor could he ever hold a candle to Squall) but, the feeling is still odd.

"Zell....," I say, "It will be alright, whatever it is, it will be alright,"

"I suppose.... you want to know what happened....," he says in a sad voice, "You have a right to know....,"

"(I don’t want to know) Later, Zell," I say pulling away and going over to my drawer, "I’ll fix you some ramen first, then you can tell me all about it,"

I pull out the package of ramen (Hot and Spicy blend, I know he will like it) I bought awhile back. I usually make home made, but I too have modernized myself. Besides, I don’t have time to make it from scratch.

"What... is ramen?" he asks, "Never heard of it....,"

"It is soba noodles with spices and vegetables," I say ripping open the packet and examining the dry noodles and hot spices. I noticed my mouth was almost watering.

The door that is not to far away from Zell, opens. Squall stands there as he did that night so long ago. Shirt less, and wearing tight leather pants. I turn away from them and begin to pour hot water in the cup steadily.

"Zell....," he says, "I never......," he goes over to him and wraps his arms (arms that could be for me) around Zell.

He cries and faces Squall, "I’m sorry, I was a bastard...... forgive me," v "No Zell.... I was," he caresses his cheek, "I was wrong,"

A tear drops down on my cheek as they talk, the water is steadily pouring on the ramen. Filling like my emotions in a spicy contained plastic cup.

"Zell.... I wasn’t ready for that question yet," Squall says, "I needed time to think it through....... and I have....,"

"You don’t have to...," Zell says softly.

The scalding water creeps up to the half of the cup.

"But I want to, honey," Squall says with hurt in his voice.

It’s almost to the brim, and it’s creeping slowly.

"Please.....," says Zell, "Only if you....,"

"I do Zell," he says, "That and so much more,"

It reaches the brim. I’m about overflow with the cup.

"I love you, Zell, you and you only," Squall says. I hear a kissing sound.

"And I love you too Squall," he says returning the kiss.

I’ve reached the top, and I scream in agony.

"Alec?" Squall says not moving, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," my mouth says in place of my heart, "I just burned myself on the ramen," I begin to taste the spicy broth as I bring the wound to my lips.

"I almost forgot about you, Alec," Zell says dazed.

"I’ll leave you two your peace," I say going out of the dorm-my own goddamn dorm, that has turned into some fucking psychatrists office.

I slump in the hallway unable to hear their voices. I cry and beat the wall. Why Squall? Why not me? Am I not good enough? I feel.... hurt. I feel.... sick.

I begin to cough, not seriously at first, but then it picks up pace. I feel liquid coming down my cheeks and mouth. It feels wet, but I can’t see it. It’s sweat or tears, I say with almost with a sadistic laugh. I’m so hot, I probably started to sweat. I bring the liquid from my mouth to my eyes. Blood. Crimson flowing blood. I’m coughing up blood, blood from my soul and my torn love. I pass out in the hallway despite my fears. It would take them two hous to find me lying there. A true lovers quarel.

End of File:02. File:03:Murmurs