Until September of 1996, Kioshi's very existence was classified. Working under the auspices of the US government, Kioshi was a research engineer in one of that country's top projects for over 20 years. Kioshi was recruited to help the program and within 3 years wound up managing it. Meet Kioshi Ishitandai, inventor of the "Uncooperative Noodle".
The United States government, along with several major soup manufacturers, commissioned "Operation Reinforce" in the late 1950's. This program was originally intended to reinforce label and product recognition in consumers. The goal of the scientists was to link audible and visual components, much like Pavlov, to increase brand-name awareness. Unlike Pavlov, Operation Reinforce focused on negative reinforcement to achieve positive response to avoid accusations of brainwashing.
The first, and only product, to come out of this research was the Uncooperative Noodle. At first, stickier noodles were used to stick to the bottom of the can. The program soon took on the nickname "Operation Tap Tap" due to the two taps required to knock the last noodles out of the can.
The government quickly became disenchanted with this line of research. Often, all of the noodles came out of the can in one pour. Sometimes only one tap was necessary, sometimes three or more. By 1960, the government wanted an exactly two tap answer. Stickier noodles were used resulting only in failure; the noodles all clumped together making the soup inedible. Then, in 1959, on the eve of success, the government upped the anti: only one noodle was allowed to stick to the bottom of the can.
After four years of failure, the government relaxed the pressure. Project scientists had met the two tap deadline, but could not guarantee that just one noodle would remain. Even with relaxed pressure, the project was in danger of cancellation.
As fate would have it, a senator who was on the committee that supervised Operation Reinforce came across a young noodles chef named Kioshi. Kioshi had just started a noodle house and could have gone on to be one the greatest chefs of all time. This senator, marveled at the idea of an Oriental influence on the UN project. Until then, only Italian influences had been considered; the senator barely remembered that Marco Polo had brought noodles from the Orient to the West.
In no time, young Kioshi turned the program around with his fresh ideas. Great advances in noodle technology were flowing from Operation Reinforce's labs. The group had achieved a 50-50 probability of one noodle in only seven months. Within the year, the group leaders announced success as the 70-30 Noodle was developed. The 70-30 Noodle was a two-tap noodle that left only one in the can seventy percent of the time and only a thirty percent chance of two remaining. There was zero probability of three or more noodles remaining.
It was at this time, the government changed Operation Reinforce from a "quiet" project to a completely secret operation. The program's budget leaped from the mere millions into the billions of dollars in funding. Security tightened, and all the researchers quietly disappeared from the face of the earth. Operation Reinforce was renamed the "UN Project" and taken out of the reach of the soup companies that helped fund it.
The UN Project became a powerful entity. It commissioned its own research on the psychology of noodles, no longer taking dictation from a mere government. Solutions no longer were limited to just noodles: cans, lids, labels, etc. were all fair game.
One such solution rocketed Kioshi to the head of the UN Project. Research told him that consistently having one noodle stuck to the bottom of the can was more effective than a consistent tap count. Using the power of the UN Project, Kioshi issued the Kioshi Referendum: one noodle was to be crimped to the bottom of the can by the lower lid.
Under Kioshi's control, the group expanded from soups into canned ravioli. Special sticky sauce and correct placement of a specially designed ravioli worked a modern miracle. Simple surface tension held the ravioli firmly to the bottom of the can. A fork or spoon used to fetch the ravioli from the bottom would cause the special break-away seam on the noodle to split, destroying the ravioli and leaving the flat noodle still firmly adhered to the bottom. Only by scraping could the last part of the ravioli be removed.
Soon, the group began work with macaroni, a very unforgiving medium. Rice, corn, and other products, although technically not under the jurisdiction of the UN Project were also under development. The US government became concerned over the rapid expansion but was put off by the excuse that many of these new items were now being found in soups.
Increased consumer awareness threatened to expose the UN Project. New stackable, self-seating cans were quickly replacing the double-lid cans. The UN Project kept many can manufactures under its thumb, but the popularity of the new styling with soft drink buyers foreshadowed doom.
The ever-resourceful Kioshi turned what could have been his worst moment into his greatest triumph. Kioshi adopted the stackable can style and used it to create the perfect Uncooperative Noodle. This new design, still in use today, could be placed at the edge of a can's bottom and become almost impossible to dislodge. The bubble in the bottom of the new cans was designed to deflect most scraping implements and prevented can openers from opening the bottom end. Kioshi could now retire and go back to his life.
Unfortunately, Kioshi no longer had his passion for cooking noodles in a small shop anymore. Also, the US government was not about to let Kioshi out of its sight. Only after the UN Project was declassified was Kioshi able to get on with his life.
Now, Kioshi is a computer programmer and budding web-designer.
With his good friends, Phil and Jason, Kioshi has helped several
site-designers and webmasters. Kioshi frequently turns down
commercial offers because he works with computers for fun not
profit. Of course, Kioshi isn't stupid either and would jump at a
great offer, but he seems happier helping the "little
guy".
Special thanks to Jason Caesar for writing this biography.
Last updated 06 Apr 1999
Copyright © 1997-1999 Jason Caesar and Kioshi Ishitandai. All rights reserved.