The Art Of Not Coping I am not coping well today The cheerful attitude that has carried me through so many years of chronic illness has slid into downright doldrums I don't want to grin and bear it I don't know if I can bear it at all This morning the electric lift that unloads my power wheelchair from the van got stuck in the church parking lot I was late for the ten o'clock service struggling to un-jam whatever mechanism was snarled up when I realized that I didn't want to cope anymore I had been coping all morning: sitting in a white plastic chair for my shower wriggling my feet into sandals that don't need me to be able to reach the buckles which I can't pulling on a big knit dress with no buttons to finagle through tight buttonholes with shaky fingers I'd smiled broadly at two or three other late churchgoers who offered to help with the lift and assured them I was OK But I wasn't I was tired of all the work it took to do something as simple as attending church something I'd been able to do since I was a child something that was growing increasingly more difficult in the past months Enough, I told myself I shut the door on the broken lift got into the driver's seat shed a few tears and went home for a day of not coping At home I crawled under a fuzzy brown blanket printed with snarling tigers opened a novel and spent the day reading, dozing, and daydreaming My husband brought me a jelly doughnut and a mug of hot coffee (Yogurt and oatmeal are not for days of not coping well) I read the funny papers Watched an old movie on TV Listened to a CD of Ricky Nelson singing about Mary Lou I finished the novel and started a new one And I didn't worry about whether I was coping well or not Whether I was exhibiting that positive attitude that might somehow heal Sometimes it is best to just hunker down and let the storms pass over I hunkered and waited for another day © 2000 Kate Murphy ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Poet and essayist Kate Murphy lives and writes on the shores of Skaneateles Lake in upstate New York. A long term cancer survivor, she is at work on a book about finding emotional support in the struggle with cancer... This page created with Love by Rainbow....