A Doug Ross/John Carter slash story, rated NC17. Last 
episode seen was "The Middle of Nowhere".

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No 
infringement of their copyright is intended. We're returning 
the characters to Warner Bros. with big smiles on their faces. 
This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans 
everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. 
However this story may not be used, distributed or archived 
without the permission of the authors.

We would like to take the opportunity to send a big thank 
you to Michelle, without whom this story would not have 
been possible. We would also like to thank Shelby, who is 
archiving this story at her "ER Criterion" site at
http://www.imagitainment.com/ercriterion/criterion.html .

This is the fifth story in the "More Than Friends, Less Than 
Lovers" story arc which will include the following: Seduction, 
Assignations, Betrayal, Forgiveness, Reunion and Culmination; 
with the story line spanning all five seasons. "More Than 
Friends, Less Than Lovers" is a part of a larger series which 
we call "Carter Does County". This series will have slash and 
heterosexual subject matter. Each "Carter Does County" story 
will be independent of the others in the series.

"More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers - Reunion"
By: Melissa and Cathy
glroberts@bigfoot.com


Dennis Gant was dead. There was no getting around that fact. 
There was also no getting around the fact that he, John Carter, 
was the reason that Dennis's body lay cold and bloody upon 
the table in the trauma room. John leaned over the toilet 
bowl and began to retch violently until there was nothing 
left in his stomach to bring up. Just hours ago, he and 
Dennis had been talking. Or rather, John had been talking 
to Dennis. Trying to explain that he had never imagined 
that Dennis would complain to the Chief of Staff about Benton. 
Wishing he could tell Dennis that the real reason he didn't
back up his complaint while he, Dennis, Benton and Anspaugh 
were discussing it was that he was afraid Benton would tell 
Anspaugh that Abby Keaton had been his lover, ruining her 
career. He couldn't risk harming her career or reputation 
that way. But, he couldn't tell him that. He was too much 
of a coward to tell his best friend that he had put his 
departing lover first. And now Abby was up in the air 
flying toward Pakistan, Dennis was dead and there was no 
going back and changing things. 

John flushed the toilet, then stumbled out of the stall to 
the sink and washed his face, knowing he should still be in 
the trauma room to help with the clean-up. But, he couldn't 
go back in there. The minute Benton had called the time of 
death, John had rushed out of the room, barely pausing to 
shed his glasses, gloves and gown before heading for the 
bathroom. He knew that Benton would ride him unmercifully 
for that. Hell, this was one punishment he would deserve, 
that was for sure. He dried his face and hands, reasoning 
with himself that he was off work now anyway, so it really 
wasn't expected for him to help with the clean-up. That was 
a job usually performed by the nurses anyway. He might not 
have had a problem with the idea of helping if it wasn't for 
the fact that the body in there was not recognizable as 
being Dennis Gant. He chided himself for that thought, 
telling himself that he should be used to the grotesque by 
now. He left the bathroom and took the stairs to the 
surgical floor so he could get his things and leave. He 
paused in front of his locker, wondering why he was in such 
a hurry to get back to the apartment he shared with Dennis. 
Had shared with Dennis. Well, he had to go somewhere, 
didn't he? Besides, there was no where else to go.

Buttoning his coat, John stepped out into the hallway and 
walked to the elevator, angrily pushing the down button, then 
ignoring the other passengers as he got into the first 
elevator to arrive. It wasn't until he stepped out into 
the frigid air outside the E. R. that he realized he would 
have to take the El back home. That was the way he and 
Dennis had come to work last night. The paramedics never 
did identify the station where Dennis had jumped to his 
death. Was it this one? Or maybe the one by their place? 
A soft touch on his shoulder got his attention and he swirled 
around to face Doug.

"I was hoping to catch you before you left. I just heard 
about Dennis." Doug's eyes were full of concern as he saw 
the profound sadness in John's eyes.

"He killed himself, Doug." John's voice trembled.

"I heard that he might have fallen onto the tracks."

John shook his head, "No. That's just something they're 
saying to make it easier. He killed himself. And it's my 
fault." John's eyes took on a vacant look, "All my fault."

"I think I had better take you home."

"That's where I was headed, but I don't have my Jeep with me. 
We took the train in yesterday. Dennis and I would ride in 
together when our shifts started at the same time."

Doug could see that John was beginning to shake and he knew 
it wasn't from the cold. He put an arm around John's shoulder 
and led him to his vehicle, opening the door and making sure 
that John was fully belted into the passenger seat before 
getting in himself. He pulled out into the early morning 
traffic and turned the heat up all the way, then headed for 
his apartment. With John this close to falling apart, there 
was no way that he was going to take him back to the apartment 
he shared with Dennis Gant. If it wasn't for the fact that 
she had left hours ago, Doug would have taken John to Abby 
Keaton's place. He had been really surprised that the woman 
had accepted the teaching position in Pakistan, especially 
since he knew how crazy John was about her. That was something 
that he didn't think John had yet managed to admit to himself, 
though. But, from what he knew about Abby Keaton, he was 
sure that she would have been able to give John the comfort 
he so desperately needed right now.

Doug heaved a sigh of relief as he pulled up in front of 
his apartment building. He had kept one eye on the road and 
the other on John for the entire trip, concerned because 
John had refused to talk to him. He had just sat there; 
shoulders slumped, not really looking at anything.

"We're here." Doug cut off the engine and pulled the keys out 
of the ignition.

"Thanks for the ride." John answered, his voice devoid of 
emotion. He undid the seat belt and got out, standing on the 
sidewalk and looking at the building as if he had never seen 
it before.

Doug got out and walked around to him, shutting the passenger 
door. "Come on." He put his hand at John's elbow and escorted 
him inside and to the apartment.

"This is your place."

"That's right. I think it will be better if you crash here, 
don't you?"

"I didn't want to go back to my place."

"I know." Doug unlocked the door and they went inside.

"Let me have your coat. You can have your pick of beds, mine 
or the guest room."

John fumbled with the buttons on his coat, then finally got 
them all undone. He took the coat off and gave it to Doug. 
"I didn't think that you wanted me in yours anymore."

"I wasn't propositioning you, John. I was merely offering you 
a place to sleep. You've been awake for a long time and you 
suffered a strong emotional shock. You need to get some 
uninterrupted rest."

John sat down on the couch, "I'm not really tired. I just 
need to...Hell, I don't know what it is I need to do right 
now. Call Dennis' folks. Tell them that he's dead."

"I'm sure that Dr. Anspaugh is taking care of that." Doug 
sat down on the couch beside him. Wanting to touch him, to 
take away some of his pain, but not trusting himself to 
not cross that fine line between friendship and love again.

"I should still call. He was my best friend. It's only 
right that I call."

"Okay. Do you have their number?"

John nodded, then leaned to one side so he could reach his 
wallet. He pulled out a piece of paper with several numbers 
on it. "It's on here."

"Then go ahead and call them."

"Doug, Dennis was from Atlanta. It's a long distance call."

"I'm aware of that. If you need to call them, then call 
them. I know that you'll pay me back, John."

"Thanks." John scooted down to the other end of the couch 
and reached for the phone, carefully dialing the number for 
Dennis' parents.

Doug watched quietly as John made the call and told the 
Gants the terrible news. He was surprised that John was 
able to be so compassionate and composed while talking to 
them on the phone. That composure disappeared the minute 
that John hung up the receiver. Tears began to fall down his
face and as Doug reached his side, John began sobbing 
uncontrollably. Doug pulled him onto his lap and held him 
to his chest, rocking him gently. He just kept stroking John's 
back and hair, telling him that it was good to cry and that 
things would eventually be all right. Finally, the tears 
subsided and John's body sagged against his. Doug began to 
think that John had fallen asleep, and he was just about to 
transfer him to the couch when he heard John say his name.

"What?" he gently asked.

"I want to sleep in your bed, Doug. With you. Can we do 
that? Just sleep?" John's voice was still shaky.

"Yeah, John. We can do that. Come on."

John got off of Doug's lap and headed for the bedroom with 
Doug following. Doug shut the door and pulled down the 
window shades, darkening the room, then he pulled down the 
covers. As he was busy with those tasks, John had stripped 
down to his underwear.

"Get in bed, I'll be right back." Doug reached for a tissue 
and handed it to John, then left the bedroom.

John blew his nose and disposed of the tissue, then crawled 
into bed. When Doug returned, he had a wet wash cloth which 
he then used to soothe John's face. He was barely in bed 
before John snuggled up next to him and Doug briefly hesitated 
before wrapping his arms around John. Nothing sexual would 
happen just because he wanted to give a little bit of comfort 
to John. Besides, they would soon fall asleep and it 
wouldn't matter anyway. Doug lay awake for a long time, 
listening to John's steady breathing as the younger man slept. 
He could feel John's breath upon his skin and inside his 
chest his heart constricted as he thought of just how much 
John meant to him.

After the last time Doug pushed John away, he had immediately 
regretted it. He finally swallowed his pride and apologized 
to John, begging his forgiveness for the hurtful things he 
had said. Telling John that he did not love him and had never 
loved him. That he had said what he needed to say in order to 
get John into his bed and keep him there for as long as he 
wanted him and that he didn't want him anymore. Doug shook 
his head as remembered how confident he had been that John 
would fall back into his arms after his apology. It didn't 
happen like that. John had told him that he would not and 
could not put himself in that position again - never knowing 
if Doug was lying to him or if Doug was going to unexpectedly 
leave him. After John's rejection, Doug had tried to drink 
away his sadness and despair. He threw himself into a long 
series of one-night stands, often picking up women whose 
names he didn't even know. He even stood outside of a gay 
bar one night, trying to convince himself to go inside and 
pick up a guy, prove to himself that John didn't matter to 
him. Every time he tried to go in though, he could hear 
John's voice, " I don't want there to be any other men. For 
either of us, Doug " He finally drove off, disgusted with 
himself for even thinking of doing such a thing. Drugs soon 
entered the picture - nothing too strong - just some marijuana 
and a little cocaine - anything to help him forget about 
John. After his disastrous one night stand with Nadine Wilkes, 
Doug came to his senses and hauled his butt in to see a 
psychiatrist before he ended up destroying himself. This 
therapist had been easy to talk to and Doug had opened up 
immediately to her, telling her about Carol and John. 
Telling her about Ray and his childhood. Telling her about 
his fear of commitment. That was the reason why he broke 
Carol's heart when they had been dating, and that was the 
reason he would let John get close, then break things off 
with him. He was afraid of committing to anyone or anything, 
whether it be Carol, John or a job. With Carol, Doug had 
used the excuse that he was really doing her a favor by 
letting her catch him cheating on her. She deserved a man 
who would be totally faithful to her. With John, he used 
the excuse that he was just giving the younger man the chance 
to find a woman who would love him the way he deserved to be 
loved. Doug had come to realize that he was pretty good at 
coming up with excuses. He had started his relationship with 
Diane Leeds while he was with John, then when Diane got too 
serious about things, Doug didn't have the guts to tell her 
he was involved with another man. No, he had to go out and 
let her catch him after he had been with Linda Farrell again. 
Why? Hell if he knew, except that maybe it was because Diane 
would know John from the hospital, and he didn't want any 
rumors going around that would harm John. There was nothing 
that could sully his or Linda's reputations, that was for sure.

Then there was his previous self-destructive year. Doug had 
been looking forward to seeing John once the summer ended. 
Their time together in St. Barts had been fantastic, but Doug 
had been disappointed when he and John saw each other again in 
Chicago and John had remained distant and aloof. No hug or a 
cheery hello. John never even tried to find a way to be alone 
with him, so Doug had eventually gotten the point and stayed 
out of his way, remaining a polite and casual friend. It 
wasn't until he had slept with Harper Tracy and Mark laid 
into him because he had hurt John by doing that, that Doug 
decided to speak with John in private. He had been shocked 
when their "talk" had resulted in them being in bed together 
once more. Shocked and delighted. John wanted to be more 
than friends, that was for sure. So, did he. And that was 
the big problem. Doug had immediately dashed any hopes that 
John might have had that their relationship would continue. 
His guilt over hurting John that way resulted in a downward 
spiral that nearly destroyed his career, and having his Dad 
enter the picture again did not help matters any. Getting 
involved with Ray's girlfriend wasn't the smartest thing to 
do, but dammitt, it felt good to finally be able to take 
something away from that son-of-a-bitch. The only bright 
spot that had helped him keep his head above water was the 
fact that John was still willing to be his friend. Almost 
desperate to be his friend. Doug knew it was because John 
had felt abandoned almost all of his life and he was eager 
to do anything he could to keep from being totally abandoned 
by Doug. That was why he couldn't turn him down when he 
said he wanted Doug to sleep with him now. Well, there had 
been one time when Doug had managed to talk all night in 
John's apartment and never touch him, he supposed he could 
spend all night with John here and not touch him, too. Of 
course, on that night, they had both been fully dressed, 
and not stripped to their underwear like now.

Doug felt John move and he loosened his hold on him to give 
him some room. When he looked to see that John was okay, he 
found himself looking into John's eyes, noting that they were 
dark and hungry with want.

"I need you, Doug," John whispered hoarsely, running his 
hand under the waistband of Doug's boxers and claiming his 
penis. "Please? Just this once?"

Hell, how could it hurt to have sex with him one more time? 
Doug lowered his mouth to John's lips, noting the way they 
quickly parted to give him access to the warmth inside. 
Doug felt himself grow hard within the tight grasp of John's 
hand and his own hand was busy with John's penis as well, 
noting with satisfaction that John had been hard before he 
touched him. The kid had always been ready for him, Doug 
reflected, then he gave up on thinking and just let his 
desires take control of the situation. Their coupling 
was rough and fast, neither of them wanting to take the 
time to linger.

Afterward, they lay in each other's arms again, with Doug 
softly stroking John's hair.

"I'm sorry if I made you do something you didn't want to do." 
John softly said.

"I wanted it as much as you needed it, John." Doug was 
thinking that maybe John had needed it too much. As if he 
was mourning a lover and not a friend. The problem was that 
Doug was afraid to ask if John had been Dennis Gant's lover. 
Not that it mattered. He had set John free, right? He had 
no right to be jealous. The Hell with it - he had to know 
or the unknowing itself would drive him crazy.

"John, can I ask you something personal?"

John laughed, "Like you've ever hesitated to that before. 
Sure. Ask."

"You and Gant. Were you lovers?"

There was no answer from John and with a sinking heart, Doug 
decided that John's silence meant the answer was "yes". He 
felt John's hand upon his chin and then John turned his head 
so that they could look directly at each other.

"I promised you years ago that there would be no other men, 
Doug, and I never broke that promise. I never wanted to."

"But, we quit being lovers a long time ago."

John shook his head, "It didn't negate my promise, Doug. I 
may be a total asshole when it comes to friendship, but, I 
don't go around breaking my promises."

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"About feeling the need to ask you that." Doug couldn't 
admit to John that he had felt jealous.

"Well, you could find a way to make it up to me, you know." 
John was smiling now.

"And how should I do that?" Doug asked, a grin playing around 
his lips as well.

"Make love to me the way you used to."

"I think I can handle that." Doug realized that he was 
throwing his determination out the window, but he didn't
care. All that mattered right now was that John wanted him. 
Not that he needed him. Needing him had been good, there was 
no doubt about how good it had made him feel to know that 
John had needed him. But, to know that John still genuinely 
wanted him - well, that was the best.

"Let's see what's in the drawer." Doug leaned over John, 
pinning his body to the bed, as he reached for the night 
stand. He could feel John messing around with him as he 
tossed things out of the drawer, looking for the cord that 
John had jokingly presented him with during the first 
frenzied days of their relationship. "Finally." With the 
cord in his hand, Doug maneuvered his body until he lay 
length-wise upon John.

John was grinning broadly as he automatically placed his 
arms above his head.

"Anticipating me, are you?"

"Yep."

"Well, I don't know if you noticed, but I do have a new 
bed now."

"I noticed. It's very nice."

"Yes. And it works so well for this." Doug said as he tied 
John's hands to the iron spindles of the headboard. There 
was no way that John could free himself, not that John was 
trying. "Tell me, John, did you let Abby Keaton tie you 
up like this?"

"You knew about Abby?"

"I'm not blind, John. I can easily recognize the signs 
of a couple trying to hide the fact that they're involved. 
You didn't answer me though."

"Not like this. She preferred having me tied down spread eagle."

"Now there's a thought. Maybe next time."

John's heart raced even faster as he heard that. Maybe 
next time, Doug had said. That implied there would be more 
opportunities to be in Doug's bed. To maybe have Doug in 
his. Oh, how he had missed doing this, doing everything, 
with Doug. Abby had been enthusiastic and inventive, but 
she wasn't Doug. As if any woman could ever make him stop 
wanting Doug. Make him stop loving him. Not even Doug's 
hateful words had made him stop loving him. He suddenly 
gasped out loud as Doug's mouth and tongue attacked his 
throat, making his squirm.

"Oh yes, I can definitely see the advantages of having you 
completely tied down and helpless." Doug grinned, then he 
resumed his exploration of John's body. It had been a long 
time since he had last seen it, and he wanted to savor each 
and every inch of it, taking his own sweet time while doing 
so. He knew it would drive John into a frenzy and he 
anticipated the moment when John would begin to beg for 
him to enter him, to make him come. To take him fully. 
Doug's mouth trailed down John's throat and to his chest, 
paying careful attention there. John's nipples had always 
been especially sensitive and Doug had always enjoyed 
playing with them, finding as much satisfaction with John's 
small buds as he did with Carol's breasts. Sometimes even 
more, because there had been times when manipulating John's 
nipples almost made the younger man come.

Doug's mouth moved lower on John's body, the tip of his 
tongue dipped into John's belly button, tickling it with 
abandon before moving even lower to lick and suck on John's 
penis, avoiding the head. As John's moans and whimpers 
became louder and he spread his legs apart, Doug smiled, 
knowing that John was expecting the ultimate kiss. Well, 
there was something to be said for anticipation, Doug thought, 
as he gently sucked on John's balls, bathing them with his 
tongue and mouth, then scooted down to trace a path down 
John's thigh. A strangled cry of disappointment came from 
somewhere near the head of the bed, and Doug knew that he 
had read John's body language correctly. Oh, he would give 
John what he wanted - eventually. Once he tired of the rest 
of his body. As if that was even possible, he thought as 
he continued his attack on the man who trembled beneath him.

It was almost two hours later when a very satisfied Doug 
freed a totally sated John and pulled him close, snuggling 
up behind him as this time they both fell asleep.


A whimper from John awoke Doug, but this wasn't the type of 
whimper that Doug was used to hearing from him. This was a 
terrified whimper and it was clear to Doug that John was in 
the grips of a nightmare. Probably one about Dennis Gant, 
he thought, as he gently shook John's shoulders in an attempt 
to awaken him. In the end, it took a forceful shaking to 
do the job, and when John awoke, he stared up at Doug, his 
eyes changing from scared to vacant in seconds. Then he 
broke down crying again and Doug pulled him to him as he 
had done before, soothing him as best he could.

"Shhh, everything's going to be all right," he whispered.

John violently shook his head, "How can it be all right when 
it's my fault that Dennis is dead?"

"John, you keep telling me that, but you haven't yet told me 
how it is that you blame yourself. If I don't know any of 
the details, then I can't help you get through this. Talk 
to me, John."

Through his tears, John began to tell Doug about the 
friendship he had shared with Dennis Gant. A friendship 
that was born out of their banding together to withstand 
Benton. He told him how well the two of them had gotten 
along after John had moved into Dennis' apartment, about 
how torn apart Dennis had become when the problems between 
him and his girlfriend had reached a crisis point. John 
told Doug how he had avoided Dennis and his complaints about 
Monique because he wanted nothing to interfere with the 
time he had left to spend with Abby. And he told him of 
the final straw that had happened last night. How Benton 
had verbally ripped Dennis apart in the cafeteria, then how 
Benton had walked in ten minutes after John and Abby had 
finished making love, catching them together on her couch. 
He told Doug how afraid he had been that Benton would tell 
someone about finding them, thereby ruining Abby's career. 
And how when he had been confronted by Anspaugh regarding 
Dennis' accusations against Benton, he had declined to 
back his friend.

"I should have been thinking more clearly then, Doug. 
Abby was on her way to Pakistan and there wasn't anything 
Benton could have said that would have damaged her career 
and reputation then. I thought that Benton had been harsh, 
but not any harsher then he had ever been with me. For 
some reason, Dennis felt that Benton was being unduly hard 
on him. I don't know if it was true or not. This is the 
third year I've worked with Benton, and there have been 
times when he's driven me to tears of frustration and anger. 
There have been times when he's praised me. I don't know, 
Doug. Maybe I'm just too used to Benton and his ways and 
was unable to see how his personality traits were effecting 
Dennis. Hell, Dennis had been depressed for a long time. 
A really long time. Some of that was because of Monique 
and some of it was because of me. I had invited Dennis to 
my family's Christmas get-together, then cancelled out on 
him because Abby was able to change her schedule. I was 
so wrapped up in my affair with Abby that I neglected Dennis, 
and when he turned to me..." John's voice trailed away.

"And when he turned to you, what?" Doug gently asked.

"When he turned to me as a friend, I wasn't there for him. 
On his last day of life, I did all I could to avoid being 
alone with him. I had gotten tired of hearing him complain 
about his ex-girlfriend. He needed to talk and I just 
simply wasn't there. After his confrontation with Anspaugh 
and Benton, I saw Dennis in the cafeteria. I told him that 
I didn't think he would really take the issue to Anspaugh 
and that I was sorry. He told me not to worry about it, that 
we were still cool. I felt relief that he wasn't angry with 
me, then I put it out of my head." John drew in a shuddering 
breath as he fought back more tears. "That was the last 
time I saw him until the paramedics brought him in."

Doug didn't know what to say. Hell, Doug had been on rock 
bottom more times than he cared to count, and he had never 
given up. Never even thought about it even.

"You're disappointed in me, aren't you, Doug?" John asked.

Doug shook his head, then realized that with his head resting 
against Doug's chest, John couldn't hear that. "No. It's 
not your fault that Gant went to Anspaugh."

"I was talking about the fact that I treated Dennis so badly 
despite the fact that he was my best friend. I know that you 
expected better of me."

"I never expect better of you, John. You just seem to usually 
give it anyway. How can I be disappointed in you when I've 
done far worse? Hell, you don't go around dragging your 
comatose one night stands into the Emergency Room, fully 
expecting Mark to cover for you one more time. You'd have 
to go a long way to top me, buddy."

"Then I guess that I'm the one who is disappointed in me." 
John softly said.

"Why does approval matter so much to you? I swear, there 
are times when I think you would walk through a glass wall 
if you thought that it would win someone's approval."

"If I did something that stupid to win approval, then I 
think that you should lock me away." John joked. "Or else 
put me into counseling for the rest of my life." John didn't 
even want to begin to talk about how desperately he had 
wanted the approval of his family. Approval that never 
seemed to come, no matter how well he did. John moved off 
of Doug's chest and sat up in bed, propping himself up on 
a pillow. 

Doug followed suit, deciding that now might be a good time 
to tell John about something that was going on in his life.

"There's something I need to tell you." he said, not looking 
at John. "Something serious. I've been seeing this therapist. 
Real egghead. I told her about us." Doug shrugged, trying 
his best to be nonchalant about the whole thing.

John let out the breath he'd been holding, then asked, "What 
did she say?"

She'd said Doug should tell John his true feelings. Make 
a real commitment to him. "She said you sounded like a real 
schmuck, and that you probably need more therapy than I do."

John laughed, and Doug unsuccessfully tried to dodge the 
pillow John threw at him. Doug was glad to see John smiling, 
even if he knew it wouldn't last. He didn't like to see John 
hurting so much inside. He was suddenly very glad that he 
had thrown his "no touching John" resolution out the window. 
He had not realized just how much he had needed to be 
intimate with him. It wasn't just the sex, although sex 
with John had always been fantastic. It was the easy feeling 
of not having to be on guard when he was alone with John. 
When he was with John, he found it so easy to be the man he 
had always wanted to be. The man who was nothing like Ray 
Ross. All too often though, he found himself imitating his 
father and he hated himself for that. His psychiatrist had 
told him that he had two choices: he could continue to hate 
his father and yet emulate him, or he could forgive his 
father and live his life the way he felt was right. He had 
told her that he wanted to do the latter, but he was afraid 
that no one would believe that he could change at this point 
in his life. She reminded him that the only people who 
couldn't change were those who were dead and buried, and 
what did it matter what other people thought? 

The important thing was that he change. He had been thinking 
about that a lot lately, and it made a lot of sense to him, 
even though there were three people whose opinion mattered. 
He wanted Carol to know he had changed for the better, and 
he wanted Mark to know it as well. He was tired of 
disappointing his friend. The third person who mattered was 
John, but, he knew that John had never viewed him in a negative 
light, no matter how much of an asshole he had been. John had 
never said a word to him about the way he treated Diane Leeds, 
or about his numerous one night stands. 

He hadn't taken him to task over Nadine Wilkes either. John 
was the only one who hadn't judged him. After Doug volunteered 
to take a drug test, he waited in the exam room, head in his 
hands, after he heard Mark tell Carter to draw blood and send 
it to the lab. Carter came in and Doug heard him gathering 
the necessary paraphernalia. Then nothing. Bracing himself 
for the inevitable look of contempt, the one he was seeing 
on everyone else's faces, Doug looked up. John was sitting 
before him, sleeve rolled up and arm proffered. Offering to 
give his own blood for the drug test. As much as he wanted 
to be able to turn John down, he couldn't afford to -- God 
only knew what would show up in a tox screen.

Doug went to Carol later on, to explain, to apologize, to be 
reassured, but she rebuffed him. So, once more, he turned 
to John. He'd heard John was staying temporarily at his 
family's house, but he had to risk going there. 

John had reassured him, but had turned down Doug's inevitable 
advances, saying, "If we get back together, I want it to be 
for good. I don't think either of us are ready for that. 
Not yet. You need some time on your own before you can even 
think about any kind of commitment to someone else."

His memories made Doug sigh as he let his hand drift over 
John's belly.

"What's wrong?" John asked.

"Nothing."

"That's not true and you know it. You were laughing a 
second ago and now you're all sad."

"I was just thinking of how long it's been since we were 
together like this. It's been a little over six months."

"It wasn't my choice, Doug." John tried to keep his 
irritation out of his voice, but the hurt look in Doug's eyes 
told him that he had not succeeded. He had missed Doug so 
much. It had been difficult, as there were times when he 
really needed the peace and calmness that he had only found 
in Doug's arms. Times when he really needed the physical 
and emotional release that he could only find with Doug. He 
reached over and tentatively stroked Doug's cheek, "I'm 
sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you by saying that. It's just 
that I've missed being here like this with you."

"I know. I've kinda missed it, too. But, you're right. 
I am the one who put our sex life on hold, so it is my fault. 
You don't know how difficult it has been for me to keep my 
hands off of you when we're alone. You don't know how close 
I came to offering you a place to stay when your apartment 
building burned down. But, Gant asked you first. Just as 
well, I suppose, or I would have had you back in my bed in 
a heartbeat."

"And that would have been a bad thing?" John hesitatingly 
asked.

"Yeah. Maybe. Hell, I don't know. I certainly wouldn't 
have ended up having the entire hospital gossip about my 
private life because there would not have been a Nadine, 
that's for sure. There wouldn't have been a Gretchen or a 
Pamela or a Maureen, or a Patsy, or a Sally, or an Astrid..."

"There might have been. We never stopped seeing women."

Doug took a deep breath. "I'd like to now."

"You mean that." It wasn't a question. "I wish you would 
have asked me anyway. I would have gone back and told Dennis 
that I had a cheaper offer or something."

"Cheaper?" This time, it was John who unsuccessfully tried 
to dodge the thrown pillow.

The ringing of the telephone postponed any further roughhousing.

"Hello?" Doug answered, knowing that it couldn't be the 
hospital, because he did have his pager turned on. It was 
Dennis Gant, Sr., asking if John was still there. "Yeah. 
One second, Mr. Gant." Doug handed the receiver to John. 
He had forgotten that John had given Mr. Gant this telephone 
number earlier. He hated having his time with John interrupted, 
he most especially hated the fact that it was being 
interrupted because of something that had John so depressed. 
He watched how John's playful mood quickly disappeared, 
replaced by a deep sadness. Why in the Hell was John 
mourning the death of someone who might have died to try to make 
him feel guilty? Not that John would have needed any 
assistance with that task. Doug knew how easy it was to 
take on guilt, maybe even more so in the case of a suicide. 
He had felt guilty for a long time over Carol's attempt to 
kill herself - despite the fact that she later told him that 
it had nothing to do with him. He had never totally believed 
that and he knew that John would never come to believe that 
he wasn't at least partly responsible for Dennis' death.

John handed the receiver back to Doug, then got out of the 
bed and began to get dressed.

"You planning on going somewhere?" Doug asked.

"I need to get back to my place. Mr. Gant has already been 
in contact with a local funeral home and he's flying in 
tomorrow to accompany Dennis' body back to Atlanta. He 
also wants to take Dennis' stuff home. He'll be staying 
overnight at the apartment and leaving the next morning."

"I don't see why that means you need to leave now." Doug 
protested. He was reluctant to have John leave his bed 
now that he had relented and let him back in.

"I should make sure that everything is in order. That 
there's nothing there that Dennis would not have wanted 
his parents to see. Take care of any dirty dishes and 
clothes. Mr. Gant shouldn't have to have to take dirty 
clothes back with him."

"I see. Will I see you tomorrow?"

"I'm sure we'll see each other around the hospital." John 
said as he buttoned his shirt.

"I was talking about tomorrow night."

"I should stay there with Mr. Gant. I don't know how my 
schedule will be from now on, since Dennis won't be there. 
The rest of us will have to take up the slack since there 
won't be anyone to work his shifts." John was surprised 
that he was able to talk about that so matter of factly. 
Either he was getting used to the idea that Dennis was dead 
or he was too far gone to have any feelings. He hoped that 
neither answer was correct.

"I'll drive you home."

"No, you should stay in bed and get some sleep. I can take 
the El."

"I drove you over here, John, and I will drive you home 
now." Doug was getting out of bed when they heard a steady 
beeping sound. Doug reached for his pager as John dug into 
his pocket for his own.

"It's me." John said. "Can I use your phone again?"

"Sure." Doug got dressed while John made his call. It 
turned out to be Anspaugh, wanting to see if John would be 
willing to make arrangements for a memorial service for Gant. 
He wanted it held tomorrow since that's when Gant's father 
would be in town. John assured Anspaugh that he could do 
the service, then he hung up.

"You shouldn't have let him get away with dumping that in 
your lap." Doug felt angry right then. Angry with Anspaugh 
for asking John in the first place and angry with John for 
agreeing. Angry with John for having to leave him now.

"It's okay with me. Dr. Anspaugh said we could use the 
Chapel. I can make all the arrangements from home this 
afternoon."

"And just when are you supposed to get the sleep you need?" 
Doug demanded to know. "The little bit of sleep you've 
managed to get so far was interrupted by a nightmare, remember?"

"I remember. I'm not that tired, so it doesn't matter 
anyway."

"It matters and you know it. I brought you here so you 
could rest."

"And I appreciate that, Doug. But, there are things I need 
to do. If you're taking me home, then we should leave now."

"C'mon," Doug growled, forcing his way past John and out the 
bedroom door. John caught up to him in the living room. 
Doug handed John his coat, then put his own on. "I'm staying 
with you tonight."

John didn't bother to argue. There was no point to it 
anyway. He wanted Doug to stay with him. He nodded, then 
hey left to see what needed to be done to organize the 
remnants of Dennis Gants' life.


Even though the two of them spent all of their free time 
together, the weeks that followed were totally different for 
both men. For Doug, they seemed to be leading him even more 
to Carol. He had seen her grow so much as she made a stab at 
being a doctor. He had helped her out, keeping his distance 
physically and hoping that she would see how much he was 
changing. That she would see how much he had already changed. 

For John, the weeks were a roller coaster ride. While his 
career seemed to be flourishing, he was watching Peter Benton 
self-destruct - something he thought he would never see. 
John was continually frustrated by his inability to make 
the surgically correct decisions - if he thought an operation 
wasn't needed, he was told he was wrong. If he thought a 
surgery was needed, he was told he was wrong. His attempt 
to get surgery performed on a patient who desperately needed 
it resulted in his being called up for disciplinary action. 
Doug had joked that he thought those were all reserved for 
him. John didn't think that it was a joking matter. More 
and more, he was beginning to second guess his choice of 
residencies. Maybe Benton had been right all those years 
ago when he had told him that he didn't think like a surgeon. 
John wanted to help ease the suffering that people were feeling. 
He didn't care about gaining personal glory for being able 
to cut someone open, poke around inside and then sew them up 
again. He wanted to know their names, the names of their 
children and pets. Why they weren't happy getting up that 
morning. How many years they had been married or why they 
had never gotten married in the first place. There was no 
room for that in surgery.

For John, things came to a head when, after getting night 
after night of encouragement from Doug, he asked Anspaugh 
if he could switch residencies. Actually, he had gone to 
Anspaugh's office to make an appointment to talk to him 
and really wasn't ready to ask. Not that it mattered anyway. 
Anspaugh bit his head off and spit it back out at him. In 
short, he told him no. John just wished he could have found 
a way to tell him that without having a fit. It didn't help 
his mood any later when his attempt to get Kerry Weaver to 
ask backfired and she laid into him for not telling her 
that Anspaugh had already said no, then chewed her out as well.

Feeling depressed, John headed for his break, only to be 
intercepted by Doug, who greeted him with a grin.

"What you need, my friend, is a candle-lit relaxed break. 
Some time to recharge your batteries."

"I don't know of any place where that can happen," John 
glumly replied.

"You don't remember that storage room?" Doug's grin 
broadened as John's eyes lit up at the reminder.

"Yeah. Do you think that stuff is still there?"

"I know it is. Let's go."

John was amazed that nothing had changed in the room. He 
locked the door while Doug set out the candle, radio, lighter 
and six condoms.

"Where did those come from?" John asked, grinning.

"I brought them in here yesterday. I figured they might 
come in handy on some future visit."

"Were you a Boy Scout?" John asked with a grin.

"I'll never tell. It might ruin the reputations of either 
the Scouts or me." Doug reached out and pulled John close, 
his breath hot on John's neck as he lowered his mouth to 
the tender skin. "Besides, I remembered how we ran out 
the last time we were here and I didn't want that to happen again."

"Are you sure you brought enough?" John couldn't resist 
asking.

"I hope so." Doug gently bit John's neck, then kissed the 
area, smoothing away the teeth marks with his tongue. That 
was the only part of that action that was soothing. The 
rush of heat that Doug's tongue created went straight to 
John's loins and he had to struggle to remember the promise 
he had made himself a long time ago regarding this storeroom. 
That had been the first and only time he and Doug had sex 
in here. John had wanted the next time to be slow and 
thorough and not rushed. He had never imagined that it 
would be this long between the first time and the second 
time. The first time Doug had brought him here, it had 
been for pure sex. Later that same visit, Doug had made 
love to him, but it almost didn't happen because Doug 
discovered that they had used both condoms he had brought 
with him. That had been one of the rare times that Doug 
had taken him without a condom. There had been one time 
when they had oral sex with each other without them, but 
Doug had made sure that never happened again either.

The slow, methodical way in which Doug was unbuttoning 
his shirt, leaving a burning trail of kisses on his chest, 
let John know that this visit to the storeroom was for 
making love and not just for sex. Not that it really 
mattered to him - Doug was fantastic at either activity, 
but John would have to say that on the whole, he preferred 
having Doug make love to him. Doug had a wonderful way 
of getting him worked up into a frenzy, forgetting how to 
do the most simple of things, such as breathing and 
thinking. It was a good thing they were both doctors 
because John was afraid that one day his heart would stop 
beating because his body would forget how to do even that 
simple task.

The air in the storeroom was a little chilly, and John 
slightly shivered as Doug slowly removed his shirt and 
tossed it onto one of the cots. As Doug continued to 
undress him, John ceased to notice the chill. His body 
was quickly heating up due to the fact that Doug was placing 
kisses on every inch of skin that he was exposing. It was 
obvious that Doug was going to take his time with this and 
John found himself praying over and over again that neither 
one of them got paged. By the time that Doug had removed 
all of his clothing, John was more than ready for Doug. 
Doug grinned at him, silent as he placed a condom on John's 
penis and took him into his mouth. Doug's mouth was so 
insistent that John found himself having to reach out and 
hold onto Doug to keep his knees from buckling. He was 
only vaguely aware that Doug was slowly pushing him backward - 
that didn't really register in mind until he felt his back 
touch the wall, giving him support. And still Doug's 
tongue continued to play with him. The incredible warmth 
of Doug's mouth and the strong stroking of his tongue 
soon proved to be too much for John to continue to withstand. 
With a cry, his hips thrust forward and he came, slumping 
back against the wall afterward, his eyes closed. As Doug 
removed the condom from him, he laughed, his voice low 
and sensuous in his throat.

"It wasn't that good, was it?"

"It was the best, Doug. It always is." John opened his 
eyes and smiled, then they kissed and Doug led him to the 
same cot they had used so long ago. Now it was going to be 
Doug's turn for release. John pushed him down onto the cot 
and began to bestow the same type of kisses upon Doug's body 
as Doug had given his. When Doug's moans and thrashings 
told John that his lover couldn't withstand much more 
attention, he placed a condom upon Doug's penis and let 
Doug take him, losing himself in some far away place as 
Doug found release inside his body.

When the loving was over, they lay entwined upon the cot - 
that way being the only way they could both fit on it. 
John was telling Doug about his disastrous attempt to switch 
residencies.

"Hey, if you really want to work in trauma, then you have 
to stand up to Anspaugh. Don't let him bully you around. 
Personally, I think you're making the right choice."

"Thanks. It feels as if it's the right thing to do." John 
sighed, "I just wish that it wasn't such a battle."

"What did Benton have to say?"

John remained silent.

"You haven't talked to Peter about this, have you?"

"No. He's been occupied with other things. It doesn't 
matter anyway, Doug, he doesn't care what I do."

"That's not true. Peter might not show it, but he cares 
about your career. Hell, he's been your teacher for what, 
three years now?"

"Yeah. Minus those few weeks when you were teaching me."

"I don't really want to think about that time of my life, 
John. A lot went wrong for me then."

"I was there, too, remember?" John softly reminded him.

Doug kissed his cheek, "No. The problem was that you weren't 
there. It's history now, so let's not talk it into the 
ground."

"Agreed. I think that Carol might say yes if you asked her 
out."

Doug laughed, "Where did that come from?"

"I've been noticing the way she's been looking at you lately. 
She's noticed that you've changed. You should ask her out, 
Doug."

"I'm a little busy with you right now."

"That never stopped you from being with a woman before."

"Carol isn't just any woman and you know it. I can't be 
with you and with her at the same time. It wouldn't be fair 
to either one of you. Besides, I thought that we decided to 
leave the women out of it this time."

"We did." John acknowledged. "You've been in love with 
Carol for a long time, right?"

"Yeah. And like the schmuck I am, I messed things up with 
her."

"So, now's your chance to make things right with her. Do 
you want to see her engaged to another man? She's dating 
a doctor from upstairs. Toby something or another."

"I heard," Doug had not been pleased to hear about Carol's 
date for the evening.

"Yeah. I hear it might be serious," John lied a little.

"Damn. She hasn't mentioned anything about that."

John shrugged, "Why should she? She probably doesn't think 
you care about her anymore."

"But, I do. I love her as much now as I ever did. More 
actually."

"So, ask her out."

"I already told you that I can't do that."

"If we don't see each other anymore, then can you ask her 
out?"

Doug looked into John's eyes, seeing that he was serious. 
"I thought I wasn't supposed to walk out of your life again."

"You wouldn't be. I want you to be happy, Doug. You'll be 
happy with Carol. At least you're not ashamed to walk into 
a room full of people you know and kiss her."

"I'm not..."

"You are. And I don't really mind. I told you a long time 
ago that I wouldn't have a problem going public with our 
relationship and I understood then that you couldn't handle 
that. You still can't. I don't think you ever will. So, 
go out there and be happy with someone that you can openly love."

"I..." Doug almost said those words, but stopped himself 
in time. As much as he wanted to reassure John that he did 
love him, he had to admit that John was right. He just couldn't 
bring himself to the point of publicly admitting how he felt 
about John. It bothered him a little that John seemed to 
accept that so easily, but he also knew that John had a 
point regarding his relationship with Carol. If he wanted 
to make things work with her this time then he would have 
to commit to her one hundred percent. There could be no 
other distractions. No infidelities of any kind. No John. 
Not that John would be alone for long. Doug had seen the 
looks that John was giving Anna Del Amico and he thought he 
saw her looking back once or twice.

"Well, if this is going to be our last time together, then 
I think we should find some way to make it special, don't 
you agree?" Doug asked as caressed John's skin.

"It was memorable, Doug," John said, gently stroking Doug.

"Yeah." Doug smiled. "It was." Both men were talking about 
more than the sex, and they knew it.

"I hate to go, but I need to get back to work. I'm waiting 
on some people from Social Services for an elderly couple. 
I'm trying to get them in a home together."

"I have Charlie to deal with. Again." Doug kissed John, 
then they arose from the cot and got dressed. Doug replaced 
everything, then they returned to work.

The talk seemed to help them. John had summoned up the 
courage to yell at Anspaugh when the Chief was telling him 
to do rounds while he was talking to a Social Services 
worker. Later, John went to the parking garage to wait for 
Dr. Anspaugh to leave. When the man arrived at his car, 
John talked to him, trying to convince him to let him switch 
residencies. In the end, he succeeded.

As for Doug, he returned to work to find that Charlie had 
disappeared. He and Del Amico went in search of her, with 
no luck. Doug could have sworn that Del Amico was coming 
on to him and for a brief second he felt flattered. Then 
he remembered what John had given up in order for him to 
make a go of things with Carol and he turned her down. He 
hoped that John would be able to make things happen with 
Del Amico. She was feisty and was most likely the type of 
woman that John needed.

After dropping Del Amico off at her motel, Doug drove to 
Carol's. He waited until her date dropped her off, then he 
approached her. They kissed and the next thing he knew, he 
was in the house and back in her bed, savoring the moment 
and thanking John for giving him the push he needed to 
pursue Carol once more. The time had come for them both to 
find happiness; he with Carol and John with Del Amico, if 
things worked out that way. Doug hoped they would. Doug 
drifted off to sleep with Carol in his arms, confident that 
this time he wouldn't mess things up with her. He had 
learned his lessons the hard way and he wouldn't repeat 
with Carol the mistakes he had made with John. He would 
tell Carol that he loved her. He would be completely honest 
with her as far as his feelings were concerned. And he 
would love her totally. Her and only her. A smile on his 
face, Doug slept, dreaming of his future with Carol.


The End