The Emerald City

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words that may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html

Stories in the series:

A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination; Tidings of Comfort; Parallel Hearts; Visitation Rites; Wee Small Hours; Barometric Pressure; The Emerald City

Dedicated to my sweet friend, Ruth, who shares the vision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There
There was a time I knew
That no matter, come what may, love would prevail
And then,
Inside the dreams I knew
Came the question lovers fear: Can true love fail?
Then I would miss the childhood wish
And haven't I sung to you
Of the knight in armor bright, faithful and true
To you.
Darlin,
After all...
I will be the one to hold you in my arms
After all...
I will be the one to hold you
I will be the one to hold you in my arms
In my arms.

- Al Jarreau

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Emerald City

by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

Carol called her mother breathlessly from upstairs in the hospital daycare and within two hours, arrived at Helen's apartment, carrying an overnight bag, formula, and baby food for the girls.

Helen answered the door, taking Kate from her arms and giving her a kiss. "Carol, why are you doing this?"

Walking in feeling confident and full of conviction, Carol addressed her mother. "Ma, sit down." Helen sat and after she unbuckled Tess, Carol took a deep breath and began pacing while nuzzling the top of her daughter's head. "I left work today, I left in the middle of my shift because there's something I need to do. I have a lot to think about, a lot of things to decide. I've made a mistake. I am so unhappy right now and I haven't been happy since Doug left. My life is empty without him. I need to...sort things out, see where we stand. Can you keep the girls for a few days while I go find out?"

Her mother was not pleased. "You are going to Seattle?"

Carol answered serenely. "I need to talk to Doug. I have to tell him how I feel and see if he feels the same way. I'm in love with him, Mama. I love him with all my heart." Carol's voice broke as she began crying. "He's waited so long; he's told me he wants us to be a family. I need to follow my heart and see if we can do it."

Helen's face registered fear and uncertainty. "The girls...Carol, you're taking them away with you?"

Sitting down, Carol held her mother's hand within her own. "Not yet. I need time to talk to him, need to see him alone. I need to find out if he'll still have me. I have a reservation, the cab's waiting outside."

"But when you go...." Her mother became tearful as well. "What will I do without Tess and Kate, Carol? Without you?"

"Oh, Mama." Carol held her mother closely. "I love you. I know. But I have to do this for them. And for me."

Helen nodded briefly. "Don't be late for your plane. They can stay as long as they need to."

Carol hugged her mother and got up, wiping her face. She put Tess down on the floor and knelt down to give both the girls a long kiss. "Be good, punkins. I love you." Finally, she turned to her mother and smiled through her tears. "Do you know what it's like? Did you love Daddy like this?"

Nodding slowly, Helen smiled back at her youngest daughter. "I loved him like this. Go."

"Thank you," she whispered. "I love you, Ma. I love you." Carol embraced her mother, then blew one last kiss to the girls and left. Once she was in the cab, she thought about the journey ahead of her, and what she'd be leaving behind. How could she not have known? How could she have let it get this out of hand? She'd been in love with Doug ever since she'd first seen him with his deep, brown eyes and crooked smile. Ever since she'd felt his warm, soft hands on her face, since he held her heart captive and promised nothing less than a reckless, wild, passionate ride.

There had been men before him and men after him, but no one else could ever be him.

As time went by, though, it wasn't the passion that she'd cherished. It was his devotion to her, his devotion to their children, the steadfast way he promised to save his love for whenever she was ready for it, even though he was far away.

*****

His house was warm and stuffy when he came home and he dropped his suitcase on the couch before he opened the sliding glass door, letting the fresh air in. What a change this was from his cramped apartment. His mother, having sold her home in the Western Suburbs for more money than she'd ever dreamed, sent a generous check to Doug. "I know you never got much from your father, but I wanted you to be able to get something of your own. For you to buy a home." There was no dissuading her.

The timing was right for him. He was tired of banging into the walls of his small apartment, tired of having nothing to occupy his time, nothing to work toward. He went out one weekend, saw the house, imagined his children running on the grass, and put in a ridiculously low offer. The owner, who had had taken an immediate liking to him from their brief encounter, accepted. And so, he became for the first time Dr. Douglas Ross, homeowner.

Grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, he picked up his suitcase again and walked through the living room to his bedroom where he methodically unpacked, hanging up his shirts, tucking his shoes toward the back of his closet. He stripped and strode to the bathroom where he turned on the shower, watching the streams run down the tile while he waited for the water to get hot enough. Once he felt the steam rising, he stepped in and succumbed to the spray, submitting to it while it pounded onto his chest, turning around and waiting for the tension to leave his body as the water splashed over him. He reached up for his shampoo and poured some into his hand, rubbed it between his palms, then applied it, scratching his scalp, washing his thick hair, enjoying the familiar fragrance of his new home.

Leaning back, he rinsed his hair. His eyes stayed closed while he groped for the soap, forgoing a shave, as he slowly washed his face, his chest and neck, each arm, and his torso. The warmth enveloped him and he stayed under the shower for a long time, until the cold began overtaking the warm. He shut the water, and stepped out, reaching for a towel.

After doing a haphazard job of drying, he pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of worn jeans, then sauntered back into the kitchen to leaf through his mail. A paycheck stub. His first gas and electric bill. Nothing from Carol. He had been waiting for some pictures she'd promised, pictures she'd had taken of the girls at JC Penney's. She was so excited about them that her voice actually sounded warm on the phone when they'd talked last.

"Doug, you should have seen them," Carol had gushed. "The photographer had the hardest time getting both of them to smile."

He grinned into the phone. "I can't wait to see it."

"I'll send them soon. Are you settled, how'd your move go?" she'd asked

"Good. I didn't have that much stuff to move, really. The house...Carol, it's beautiful. You should come with the girls, come see it. It's big and it's got a lot of grass. The owner, this lady, her husband died a year ago and she couldn't keep it up by herself. She left the boat, a whole bunch of tools and stuff in the garage. The lake, you know, it's clean. The girls, when they get older, they could jump right off the end of the dock to go swimmin'. You could, too. I'd catch you," he added sweetly.

"It sounds nice." Carol smiled distantly at his low-key sales pitch.

"It is. Come see it. Come here, Carol."

"Doug, I gotta go," she insisted, ducking his invitation.

"Okay," he responded, backing off, "I'll call you after I come back from Colorado."

Doug frowned, reliving the conversation. He had tried valiantly not to push her, not to beg her. But the fact that she'd not responded to his offer to come live with him was troubling. That was the last time they'd spoken. Since then, Doug had flown to Vail to visit his mother. It was his first few days of his first week of vacation in fifteen months.

He looked out of the picture window at the lake. The water was choppy and it was a bit chilly out, but after being in his mother's small townhouse for a few days, he needed to stretch a bit. He grabbed a red flannel shirt and went outside, walking out onto the soft grass, down to the dock. He smiled at the chairs at the end of the dock, presents from Alan and Beth. She'd had a difficult time negotiating the steps when she visited for the first time, but insisted on seeing the chairs deposited, "where they belonged." Alan had helped her out to the dock. "See, you needed some chairs here," she declared. Doug was touched by their gift and sat in one long into the evening after they left.

His ride was a little rough, but that meant the lake was empty and he motored around for about an hour by himself. It felt good to be out in the spring air, to look back and see the wake behind him. He'd made a sound decision, he knew, in buying his house. It was one of the first decisions he'd made in a long time that he felt completely comfortable with.

Once he docked the boat, he bent over to put things away, and tossed some extra rope onto a seat. He stood up, and out of the corner of his eye, saw her.

She was smiling, arms crossed against the chill of the early evening air as she continued toward him. The sight of him, small against the lake, taking care of his boat, made her heart pound. When he stood up, he was motionless at first, not believing she had come to him. Slowly, in his own heart, he knew what her answer was.

He put his hands in his pockets, making his way toward her methodically, watching the smile on her face grow. They were close to each other and he was so overcome with emotion, with happiness at seeing her that he looked down to collect himself.

"Where are the girls?" he asked softly.

"They're with my mother," she replied. Carol looked around, admiring his home. "It's beautiful here."

The only beauty he saw was in front of him; he held her face within his hands and smiled as they kissed each other warmly, a soft laugh easing from his throat as his happiness exploded within him.

Doug picked her up, enthralled that she'd come. "You're here."

"I'm happy I came here," she answered, laughing.

Holding her in his arms, rocking her slightly, feeling her body as it pressed against his, he asked, "How are my girls?"

"Fine. They're crabby, but fine."

Doug chuckled. "You didn't pack them up with you, hmm?"

Shaking her head, she sighed. "No. I wanted to come here alone. So we could talk alone." Her eyes were warm.

"Come on in, let me show you around." Doug extended his arm and guided her into the house.

Nodding, she walked inside, taking everything in, eyes wide with wonder. The kitchen was huge and had a great big island with a cooktop and a rack for hanging pots above it. "Doug, it's wonderful. God, it's big."

"It is. I haven't had a chance to do much work yet inside, you know. The carpeting...." He chuckled. "It's brown shag in the bedrooms, it's old. Worn out in spots. I had some guys come over, put down some mulch outside, but the inside needs a ton of work. I...I only painted one room so far. It needs a lot of work inside. The old lady and her husband, they didn't do much of anything for years. Had a hard time taking care of it. When I saw it, being by the lake and all, I thought about the time we spent in Michigan. That house on the lake." Doug paused, and then confessed, "I bought this house in case I had a family to bring here. In case the family got bigger one day." He smiled warmly with his eyes, taking her breath away. "C'mere." She approached him and he took her into his arms again. Kissing the top of her head, he whispered, "I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too." She smiled up at him. "I came to talk to you about our future. I'm here because...I'm here to ask you...." With that, her eyes became large and filled with tears. She began sobbing, babbling, saying words, phrases that were disconnected and senseless. He held her in his arms, trying to comfort her, and she collapsed into his embrace.

"I can't do this anymore. Things have happened, I've realized some things, and I need to talk to you. We need to talk. I need to fix this, Doug."

"Carol, Carol, it's okay, just...it's okay," he said, petting her, stroking her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, we have all the time in the world to talk. C'mere."

She nodded as he held her to his chest, but it was as if she didn't hear him. "I think I quit work today."

He was puzzled. "You *think* you quit work?"

"Yeah. There was...oh, I had a blow-up with Kerry; I had a patient, a mother, die. Everything was just piling up on me and I lost it."

"What's 'everything'?"

Carol sniffled, hastily wiping her face with her hand, pulling away from him. "My job, the girls, the house. The loneliness." She looked at him directly. "Luka Kovac."

Doug wisely didn't follow up on her last statement with one of his own, but guided her, finally, to the sofa. "Listen. We have time. We have time to talk. Are you hungry? I can make some omelets," he said aimlessly with an impish grin.

Despite her emotional state, she laughed as she sniffled. "For dinner?"

"Sure. Why not?" he responded, smiling.

"Do you have any coffee to go with that?"

He chuckled. "I can make some coffee. You just take it easy, walk around. Let me go cook."

Carol watched as he disappeared into the kitchen. She looked around at his house. While the outside was impressive, the inside was still bare, so empty looking and it needed a great deal of work. There were no pictures on the walls yet, nothing to indicate that anyone really even inhabited the place. She walked over to a bookshelf next to the stone fireplace and saw one sign of life: Three small frames. One had a picture of Tess, one of Kate, and one of Carol holding them. They were the only part of Doug's existence evident to the eye.

Wandering around, she came across the powder room, then followed a hallway that led to the bedrooms. The largest one was his, holding a king-sized maple bed with thick posts and a large headboard. Two dressers lined up against separate walls. The next bedroom was empty, save some boxes and sports equipment.

The door to the last bedroom was closed slightly and when she pushed it open, she gasped audibly. Thick green carpeting had been laid and the walls were dominated by sky-blue paint; the upper part of them had white, puffy clouds that extended onto the ceiling. Prancing amongst the blue sky and within the clouds were winged unicorns. Along the bottom, blades of green grass poked through into the lighter blue and there were tiny ladybugs, little mice, butterflies, and frisky rabbits interspersed with meadow flowers. Carol's eyes filled as she backed away, amazed at how he'd planned for them. At how he loved them.

She heard him in the kitchen rummaging around, heard the butter sizzle when it hit the hot frying pan. He opened and closed the refrigerator and began whistling a low tune. The sound of Doug, cooking eggs, was wonderfully familiar. Carol walked to the entrance and scrutinized him, sizing up the situation. "Is it okay that I came here alone? Without the girls?"

"Sure it's okay," he answered gently, glancing briefly at her as he took two plates out of the overhead cabinet. "Why wouldn't it be okay?"

"I left them so fast, I barely had a chance to say goodbye."

"They're in good hands, right?" he reminded her as he buttered some toast for her.

"Yeah," she answered softly. "Doug, their room is beautiful."

He grinned widely. "I'm glad you like it. A friend of mine did that for them. She...her name is Beth Lasko and she had a little time off of work because she broke her leg, then she had some rehab. She did the bottom part and told me how to do the clouds. Then she came back when she could move around a bit more and painted the unicorns. If you look, she signed her name near the door."

"That's wonderful," Carol replied. "How did you meet her?"

"Work," he answered, averting his eyes. "She's a lawyer at work."

"She's very talented."

Doug nodded. "She is. She's been...she's my closest friend here." He smiled wistfully. "Really, my only friend."

Carol swallowed hard, nodding her understanding. "I can't wait to meet her. I love it. It's so beautiful."

Her praise pleased him endlessly and he was grateful for it. "Okay, we're ready. Sit down, here, here's a spot." Doug moved a newspaper from the chair and held it until Carol was seated. He put their plates down, then poured coffee.

She began eating, gratefully accepting the cup he made. His friendship with this woman, the obvious reluctance with which he talked about her, made Carol wonder. It also forced her to think about Luka and about the relationship they'd shared. "We need to talk," she repeated, afraid that if she didn't press forward, she'd lose the moment. He sat opposite her and Carol's heart nearly broke in two when she looked at his face. It was non-judgmental. Kind. Apprehensive. "But first, before we talk about us, I need to talk to you about Luka."

Doug looked up from his plate, waiting.

Carol took a sip of coffee. "You know we've been friends, Luka and I." Looking at him for confirmation, he nodded and she continued. "A few weeks ago, I sensed that things were changing. I just...I don't know, we were talking more, spending....Doug, I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't even...." Carol was flustered, shaking her head, gesturing her defeat.

"Carol, I don't think we should do this now," he agreed, the rising panic forcing him to fend off the heartache. "We have time to do this."

She disagreed, shaking her head. "I need to tell you. Luka and I have spent a lot of time together. More and more time together. One day a couple of weeks ago, we went shopping for a car for me. He was sharing stuff about his family, his children. They were killed, Doug, his two children were killed in Vukovar. His wife, she was killed, too. It was so awful. He's lost so much. Anyway, things just...I don't know, there we were and the day was sunny. It was warm. I felt so close to him." Her hand was shaking as she covered her eyes, then drew it across her face. "We bought a car, I mean I did. Stupid car," she said scoffing at her mistake. "It broke down that night, we were sitting together waiting for a tow truck and I...I kissed him. Luka and I kissed and since then we've...."

"Don't." Doug put his hand up, warding off her words, stopping her momentarily. "Please don't." His voice, quiet as it was, came out of nowhere; it almost shocked her to hear him respond so submissively.

"But I need to tell you everything," she reasoned.

"Not that." He lowered his head, rubbing the back of his neck, trying to shake her off. "I can't...it's just that it...I can't really...it hurts me." Doug stood up, opened the refrigerator and got a beer. She watched as he quietly uncapped the bottle and flipped the top, making it clatter in the sink. He walked back out, sat down again and stared out the window.

"Doug...." she ventured forth unsteadily.

"It's not about a kiss, Carol." Frowning, he explained further. "I mean, I think...sometimes maybe you kiss someone but it doesn't...maybe sometimes you just have to find out, you know? You think there's something there, maybe you need to see, but you find out it's all wrong...." His voice trailed off and he took a swig of his beer. "I-I know you want to talk, but I don't think I can hear about you and another man. About the time he spent with you. With my girls. All the time I wanted to be there, he was there and...I don't want to hear about him, the things you did together." He exhaled, facing her, his eyes pleading mercy.

His demeanor made her uneasy. "I'm...I'm here because we need to talk," she explained cautiously. "Because things are unsettled between us and we haven't had a chance to talk."

He shook his head, understanding. "I want to talk, I want you to be with me, for us to be a family. But if you came here thinking you need to divulge the details of your romantic life, don't. I have more than enough visions of that in my head to last a lifetime."

"God, Doug, that's not it." Shaking her head, she insisted, "I'm not in love with him. This has nothing to do with him, but I needed to tell you, so I could be honest. I'm here because of us. It's because I need to find out about us."

"Find out what?"

"If we can work things out. To find out what our future looks like. I need to know what you want."

Feeling defenseless, he looked down, then he directly at her. "What I want?" Doug pushed his chair back, balancing it on two legs. "I've been calling, sending money, begging for you to come back to me. All along, I've hoped...I've hoped that you loved me enough to do that. That you respected me enough to give me, to give us, a chance. I've traveled out to see you and my girls, I've spent hours...dreaming about you." His emotions were close to the surface, even though he tried to ignore them. "I can't play games anymore, I can't be half a father, half a man, half a doctor. I can't. For years, I've loved you. I've been a jackass some of that time, but mostly I've just loved you. As honestly and as passionately as a man can love a woman. And after all that time, I'm still alone, still by myself. The worst of it is, after loving you for all these years, I was afraid you never loved me in return. How sorry is that?"

Carol was astonished, hearing this. "You didn't...know that I loved you? Never believed that I loved you?" she repeated carefully, unable to fathom that his words could be true.

"Not deep inside." His long lashes almost touched his cheeks as he looked down, away from her while he exposed his most private self. "I was always afraid, in my heart. The only time I felt it, that I let myself believe it, is when we made love. That's when you'd let your walls down."

Her voice was low and measured. "Doug, how could you...I mean, after all we had, after deciding to have a baby...what did you think that was?"

"I dunno," he replied softly. "Tell me, what was it?"

Struggling to express herself, she whispered, "I love you. I loved you so much that I wanted to...." She couldn't continue.

"You wanted what? You wanted to share their lives with me? Share their birth, share the happiness they would bring us?"

"Yes. I did," she asserted.

"So, when I offered to do that, you did what?"

Carol stuttered her reply. "I-I told you that - that..." Finally, she fell silent.

Doug rubbed his face. "You didn't tell me anything," he reminded her, not unkindly. They sat there, both of them so hurt, and all they could hear was the rain outside. Carol yawned, looking exhausted. "Listen, you look really beat. Why don't you go to bed? There are clean towels in the linen closet, in the bathroom. Everything you need is in there."

"Are you coming too?" she asked tentatively.

Doug smiled. "I will. In a bit. I need to lock up, put some things away."

She stood up and turned to face him. "Do you hate me? What I've done...have I made you hate me?"

He frowned as if he couldn't believe what she said. "No. I don't hate you. I love you, Carol. Why would you say that?"

Gesturing helplessly, she tried to explain. "You were so distant when you came to visit, things changed so much. I feel like I don't know how to...Doug, all those times you came to see them, all those nights you were at my house and I wanted you to stay, to be there when they woke up...why didn't you stay with us?"

"And sleep upstairs?" He shook his head, smiling. "Carol, all I ever wanted was to see them in the morning, but...." His heartache, his reluctance, was so plainly evident. "I couldn't stay in your house and sleep apart from you. I just didn't think I could do that. I...being with you, spending the day with you, it was just...if I stayed there those nights, I'd...." His voice trailed off and he felt vulnerable.

"You'd what?" she pressed him.

"All that time, I felt so...so close to you. All I wanted was...." He bowed his head. "If I stayed there, I'd want what I couldn't have. I'd want you. The way it used to be. The way we used to...."

"Drown?" she whispered.

He gazed at her, captivated. The words she had said when they last made love flooded his memory. Doug stood up, facing her, needing to see her face, moving closer to her. "Was that the night?" he asked in a quiet voice. "When they were conceived?

Carol smiled. "I think so."

"I remember everything about that night. I'm glad it was then, that time. That was...you were so beautiful that night, and I was...I was so in love with you." His heart was pounding and his eyes were passionate.

Unable to handle the guilt, she backed away, needing to break away from the intensity of their emotions. "Doug, I'm so sorry." There was no more to say. Carol turned and walked mechanically toward his bedroom, feeling his eyes on her as he watched her go. When she turned on the light, the first thing her eyes fell upon was another picture of Tess and Kate perched atop his night table. Carol picked it up and ran her finger over the image of their smiling faces. They were his girls, through and through. How it must hurt him to be apart from them, she thought. Carefully placing the frame down, she looked around. Everything was in complete order. His closet was opened and revealed slacks, shirts, and sport coats neatly and evenly hung. There were no socks or basketball shorts balled up in the corner, no beer bottles left on the dresser. No sports magazines, no newspaper sections lying around. Other women might be pleased at this sight, thinking the man who lived here was so neat and organized. But Carol knew him and was dismayed. There was no joy in his life, she realized. Numbed by the awareness that everything he'd loved had been kept away from him, she methodically stripped off her clothes, wanting to escape into slumber. Her shirt, her bra, her jeans all ended up on the floor and for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, she slept in sheets that held his familiar scent. It comforted her to be surrounded by him this way, even as her body burned with desire, being so close to him.

*****

Sometime during that night, she woke up abruptly. It took a moment for her to situate herself, for her to remember that she did not have to tiptoe upstairs to check on her children. Reaching out her hand, she felt for him, but the space next to her was empty. She slipped out of bed and searched in the semi-darkness for something to wear. Finding his robe on a hook behind the door, she put it on, tying it tightly around her waist. After she used the bathroom, she walked by the couch in the living room. All she could hear was quiet, even breathing. As Doug's face came into view, she was surprised to see his eyes were open and he'd been watching her. His hands were laced behind his head and his hair was tousled.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm okay," she replied, hugging herself. "You didn't come to bed yet."

Doug shook his head. "No. Not yet. Can't get back to sleep?"

"No. I'm just thinking about the girls. I feel so far away from them."

Doug smiled sadly. "It is far away. Especially at night."

Carol observed him, giving him space to continue.

Doug spoke as though he were reading a fairytale, in a voice filled with wonder and sadness. "You know they're in their cribs sleeping. You know that...that Tess likes to be rocked to sleep and that Kate's a night owl. You know that...every day you're apart from them, they're growing apart from you. And you feel like you're a terrible father because you're not there protecting them. Taking care of them. Taking care of their mother." He looked up at the ceiling. "I've abandoned them, abandoned you. Just like my father did to my mom and me."

Carol stared at him. The enormity of his loss and the depth of his hurt upset her. "No," she said sincerely, and bent over to kiss his cheek. She went to sit down on the couch and he moved his feet to give her room on the end, shifting his body. "Doug - you know when Kate was so fussy on your first visit and you sang to her? When you were talking to me about your mom? Your mom and how she loved your father? It got me thinking. I don't want you to compare yourself to him. You're not your father. You're a different man, a wonderful man. I love watching you with the girls, seeing how much you love them." Carol paused, looking at him for emphasis. "About love...about how your mother loved your father? I think I know how she felt. Because when you love someone like that, you can't help it. You fall in love with a man and there's no room in your heart for another. What I mean is, the one you truly love doesn't leave any space for others. It always belongs to him." Carol smiled and he saw her dimples briefly in the dim light. "I'm glad I came here. I just wish...."

Doug tilted his head, wanting to know. "Wish what?"

She looked down, away from him and spoke softly. "I just wish things had...I wish you hadn't left last year."

Shamed once again, he remained quiet.

Carol continued on, her voice tremulous. "I wish I had come with you. I made a mistake. I should have come with you." She stood up, and he followed suit, but it was Carol who made the first move. "I want to be with you. Sleep with me tonight," she breathed. "Make love to me. Please." Her eyes were deep and clear and held him hostage. Carol extended her hand and he took it.

God, the feel of her fingers within his. The look on her face. Having to remind himself to breathe, he stared, not knowing what to do. Doug backed away slightly, only inches, but she noticed it. He was frightened. Terrified. Fearful of succumbing to her again. "I can't yet. Not until I know for sure."

On the verge of tears, she pulled her upper lip into her mouth, devastated. Unwilling to believe that he truly meant it. "You can't?"

"I've spent...all this time, all these months, trying to...I dunno. Trying to believe that I could move on if I had to. I tried to make some sort of life for myself. But I failed." He smiled ruefully. "Carol, I tried to fall out of love with you. If I make love to you tonight....."

"Did you really want to...fall out of love?"

She was so close, close enough for him to smell her perfume, to feel her heat. Close enough to affect him. He loved her so. "You tempt me," he murmured softly.

"Still?" she asked hopefully.

"Always." He reached out and pulled his fingers through her hair, easing her toward him. When his lips tenderly grazed her jaw, she couldn't move, praying that the feeling would never go away. He moved back, though, just as her desire was sparked. All she wanted was to fall asleep holding him, to feel his skin against hers and let his warmth heat her soul.

Carol whispered, "Sleep with me. Please. Don't say no." Her lips just inches from his, raising her arms slowly, she sweetly took his face in her hands. "I need you. You are everything to me. You are the only man I have ever loved." Then she kissed him. Softly at first. At once, his whole being craved hers as he swept her up in his arms and was lost in her, as her body pressed into his, as her arms surrounded him, and she moaned into his mouth. He held her close and his hands roamed over her curves again. His arousal for her swept over him and Doug pulled her hips into his, briefly, then reached up and held her face, her sweet, beautiful face. This was everything he'd been afraid to imagine when they were apart. "Doug," she whispered, "drown with me tonight. Again."

"Carol, Carol," he murmured, then kissed her deeply until she began moving toward his bedroom, pulling him against her, wanting that closeness with him again. He stopped her. "Is this what you want? Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes. You're everything I want. Please, please, make love to me."

He kissed her cheek tenderly, and then smoothed her hair away from her face, summoning his self-control when she could not. "Did you bring your diaphragm?"

"Um...." Her mind was clouded over, she couldn't focus well. "I don't have one, I...I never filled the prescription. Do you have any condoms?"

"Ah, no." Doug smiled. "I can go to the store."

Carol held him desperately. "No. No. Just stay with me. Don't leave me tonight."

"Okay, sweetheart. I won't," he promised. "I will never leave you. I want to be with you forever."

She began to cry and Doug gathered her into his arms, savoring the feel of her body as he held it against his. He closed his eyes and kissed her forehead while his arms grew tighter around her. "I want you to be with me. Carol, I don't want you to stay there. I don't want to be apart from you and the girls anymore." Tears formed in his eyes and he wept into her hair. "Carol...I don't want another man to love you, to take care of you. I don't want another man to be there every day, for another man to be their father."

"Oh, god, Doug, I want us to be a family, too. Can we do it, though? How do we do it after all this?" she asked tearfully.

"I don't know. I don't know. I guess we talk about it until we figure it out," he said, trying to convince himself.

A deep, heavy sigh came from the very core of her. "Can we not talk about it anymore tonight?"

Doug kissed her forehead. "Sure, let's not talk about it tonight. Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," she agreed. Her guard long down, she snuggled into his embrace and allowed his touch to soothe the weariness that had so ingrained itself into her body.

*****

In the rare times he had allowed himself to dream of this moment, he had never been able to capture its true essence. In his imagination, he was so anxious to have her, so overwhelmed by his love for her, that he was worried he'd be rushed. Frenetic. Afraid that his passion for her, finally unleashed, would overpower him.

The reality of it was so different.

They entered his bedroom together and she turned to him, feeling helpless and weak. He untied the belt to her borrowed robe and opened it slowly, pushing it off her shoulders, slowly revealing her naked body. His eyes roved over her with such hunger, and when her hands pulled his shirt over his head and gently pulled his shorts to the floor, hers drank him in as well. They reveled in their shared adoration; the only touch was her finger, which briefly caressed his face. Had he kissed her again, she would have recklessly allowed anything, without regard to the consequences, but his desire for her was tempered by a very necessary restraint. He knew that she needed something first.

Doug pulled the covers back and stretched out on the bed, inviting her in with eyes as dark and mesmerizing as the night sky. She settled down next to him in her familiar spot, her hand softly curled upon the very center of his chest, and they lay there for a while as he drew her to him, as he took her tension away. His hands gently stroked her skin and her body melted into his while he whispered meaningless words that were oh so meaningful to her. Their physical desire for each other was intense and each would have taken the other instantly, but no. Carol, he could tell, craved emotional intimacy first and he wanted to provide it. He needed to. In the tranquil retreat of his bedroom, stripped of all their clothes, they let the softness of the comforter and the crispness of the sheets cradle their bodies. Two orphaned souls, having found their way back to each other, simply basked in their togetherness

They were quiet, then. So quiet, holding each other. Finally, he tilted her chin up to his face and gazed at her deeply. "Carol," he whispered, "I missed you."

Carol kissed his mouth softly, delighting in the familiar flavor of lips. "I missed you, too."

Doug's hand traveled down her side and rested on her stomach, now so flat. "I bet they kicked a lot. Moved around," he said in a subdued voice.

Carol closed her eyes, devastated that she caused such hurt. "Yes. They did."

"Did they...?" he began, but then he stopped. Tomorrow, there would be discussion. Decisions would be made. But tonight, nothing more needed to be said.

*****

Carol opened her eyes briefly to the sun streaming through the thin slats of his blinds. Somewhere, she heard the shower running. Somewhere she heard a familiar tune being sung by a voice that warmed her heart. But sleep whispered her name, beckoning. Pulling the covers up, she peacefully floated away, unable to rouse herself quite yet. Drawers opened and closed, lips kissed her cheek softly, but she was held captive by the never-ending fatigue. When she finally awoke, the house was quiet. She turned toward the clock and waited for her eyes to focus. There was a note propped against the lamp.

"Morning, Angel. I went out for food. Be back soon. Love, Me."

Closing her eyes, she smiled. Then, she thought of their children, so far away and reached immediately for his telephone. She dialed quickly and her mother answered after three rings.

"Ma? Hi, it's me," she said in a husky, sleep-filled voice.

"Carol? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she answered. "I'm okay. How are my girls?"

"They're fine. They are playing in the living room. What is happening? When are you coming home?"

"Today. We'll be home today."

Helen sounded subdued. "Are you sure of this?"

"I'm sure. Kiss them, tell them their mom and dad are coming home soon. I love you, Ma."

After a brief pause, her mother replied warmly, "I love you, too."

Carol hung up and turned to the picture of the girls. They were smiling. Grinning at the camera with their silly, wet, toothless smiles. Doug had provoked the picture by playing a rousing game of peek-a-boo, just out of sight of her camera. They had realized, even then, who their daddy was.

After she stretched and stared at their picture for what seemed like forever, she went to the bathroom, dug into her bag for her toothbrush and brushed her teeth, and then decided to shower. When she did, she allowed the water to course over her for the longest time, feeling reborn as a lifetime of doubt was washed away, replaced by hope. After she felt clean and refreshed, she towel-dried her hair and crept back into the sheets, feeling no guilt as she slumbered yet again.

*****

Upon his return, he peeked into the bedroom and smiled, seeing her body rise and fall gently as she slept. Doug quietly put the food away, then poured a glass of orange juice and went into the bedroom, putting it on the night table next to her. Upon hearing him, Carol rolled over, her hair a mass of unruly curls, her face beaming with happiness. She watched as he undressed and slid next to her.

"Sleep well?" he asked quietly, stroking her face with the back of his hand.

"I did. I haven't slept like that in over a year," she revealed. "Wow, what smells so pretty?" she asked, looking around. On his dresser was a massive bouquet of lilacs in an old vase. Carol laughed, delighted. "Where'd you steal those from?"

Doug smoothed her curls away from her eyes and pulled her even closer to him. "I didn't steal them. We have four lilac shrubs on the side of the house, near the garage."

She closed her eyes against the threat of happy tears. "They're gorgeous. Thanks."

"You're welcome," he replied. "It was nice waking up with you in my bed." His kisses were light at first as he barely touched her face with his lips. "I want you," he whispered. Carol sighed, exposing her neck to him, and he planted a trail of soft kisses down one side, pausing briefly to tenderly suck and nip at her delicate skin.

He loved watching her respond, seeing her body change, move in rhythm. It struck him that the sight of Carol, aroused, might be the most beautiful vision a man could ever see. His fingers explored her body, and when his hand stroked her breast, she felt strangely defensive and moved away.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

Trying to rid herself of the mantle of motherhood, she still found herself thinking about her babies nursing, thinking about that close bond. "It's just -- I weaned them and I still have...there's still some milk...."

"Carol -- that's okay. It's how you took care of our babies. I loved watching you nurse them, loved seeing them like that. I knew it was the best thing for a baby, I just didn't know how...it would be to watch it, to see my own children -- to see you with our children. Your face was beautiful when you nursed them."

Smiling shyly, she felt she had to explain herself. "I'm sorry, I'm distracted...I'm tense. I'm just tense, that's all."

He regarded her, wondering. "It's okay. We don't have to, Carol. If you're not ready, I mean."

"No, I want to," she told him sweetly. "It's just...I'm...I don't know."

"Did you...?" Doug stopped and looked away shyly, feeling so awkward for needing to ask her, his heart once again exposed. "Carol, since, uh, have you been with...with anyone since they were born?"

Carol saw the devastation combined with optimism in his face and she rushed to reassure him. "No. No, Doug, I haven't been with anyone since you left. I just...I'm just a little...." Her voice trailed off and she shook her head.

"Okay, okay," he said, understanding. "Are you worried about it...physically? Did you have an episiotomy?"

"No, I didn't. I tore, it was all so fast. I got some stitches afterward, but it didn't heal too well. I guess I'm just being...I can't imagine it would matter now; it's been six months. I don't know."

He stroked her arm, reassuring her. "Okay, that's okay. Would it be better with you on top?"

"I don't think so."

Doug kissed her, trying to soothe her. "Let's just go with it, and you tell me if I need to stop."

Carol returned the kiss and buried her face in his neck, enjoying the smell of him. "Make love to me. Just...let's take it slow."

So he did.

His mouth felt hot as he slowly tasted her skin. He gently nipped her neck, making her expose it and pull him closer. Then, he kissed her with ferocity that left her limp and wanting more.

"God, Doug..." she muttered dreamily, until he kissed her again, wanting to make her weaker, wanting to make her want him. "You're making me get so wet for you."

"Are you? For me?" His hand ventured lower and she opened herself to him.

"Um hmm."

He smiled.

Enjoying the sight of her body, he leaned back to admire her. "You are so beautiful," he said softly. Then he saw it in the morning light, low on her stomach. A thin, white line. It made him pause and she held a questioning look on her face as she noticed the change in him.

"What is it?" she asked quietly.

Doug glanced away. "Nothing. I'm...nothing." How could he tell her how guilty he felt? Seeing the physical reminder of their birth, knowing he hadn't been with her. Doug felt overcome with shame as he realized again how much she had gone through without him.

"Doug?"

"You -- your scar, I just noticed it, it's.... Your C-section, the tearing...you were pretty banged up, hmm?"

"A little. Is it that noticeable?" she asked, feeling insecure about her appearance.

"No. It's...you can hardly...I just saw it, is all. Carol, you look beautiful." He smiled at her, his mouth brushed against the softness of her inner thigh, moving upward, and then he kissed along the scar, healing the old wound between them.

"Don't make me wait," she begged him.

Doug reached over to the nightstand. "Will you put this on me?"

Carol took the packet from his hands and tried to open it, but her hands weren't cooperating. Doug tilted his head to look at her.

"We haven't used one in a long time, have we?" he said gently, trying to relax her.

She smiled and tried again, this time with success. She gently unrolled it over him and laid back.

"Carol, take hold of me, let me know when."

She grasped him, but didn't move. He looked down at her again.

"Okay?" he queried tenderly.

"Um hmm."

Doug saw little beads of sweat around her hairline. "Look at you...you're a wreck. Are you sure you want to?"

"Yes," she nodded. "Please. Let's just...go ahead." She closed her eyes.

Doug moved slowly, entering her as cautiously as possibly, but hearing her breathe in sharply, seeing her wince, he pulled back immediately.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No." She opened her eyes to look up at him. "It's okay. Really." Taking him into her hands again, guiding him to her body, she pulled him close, whispering, "Please. It's been a long time. I'm fine."

He repositioned himself carefully, but felt her become rigid beneath him as she tensed up. Doug looked at her again; her eyes quickly filled with hot tears, though she tried to hide it. He pulled himself away from her again and lay on his back. "Why don't we just wait?"

She started crying.

"Hey, hey, no, come here." Doug eased to her side and drew her to him. "Don't cry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I think I did this wrong." She sniffled, easing herself into his arms. Doug kissed her forehead and held her tightly. "This is what we'll do. I'm gonna start slow, and I'm gonna stop if you tell me to. I'm not gonna go deep, I'm just gonna take my time, you take your time, nice and slow." Even after he spoke, he stroked her face, her hair, kissed her gently, relaxing her, putting her at ease.

Carol was still upset. "I've never felt this way, see, now I...."

"Shh-shh-shh," he hushed. His fingers stroked her soft skin, tracing a circuitous path down her body, and she shivered with anticipation. He followed the trail with his lips, with his tongue, and she moaned loudly. Parting her thighs tenderly, his mouth played gently between her legs, and her sighs and the sweet words of arousal that came from her encouraged him. She shifted closer to him, spreading her legs, tugging at him, pulling him upward. Wanting him.

"Okay, darlin'," he said softly, kissing her again, "be patient. Let's see if I can make you come first."

"No, Doug, I don't want to. I just want you."

"You'll have me, but I want you to come first." His fingers again swirled and danced atop her clitoris and touched so perfectly that she stopped her protests and now couldn't get enough of it, of him. He wanted to arouse her further and tenderly kissed her breast, but when his mouth approached her nipple, she pushed him aside.

Doug hesitated. He'd been entirely unsure how she would react to this, if she would be turned off or feel self-conscious. He backed off, kissing her neck, her shoulder, leisurely making his way toward her breasts again.

"Doug...no."

"Okay," he said calmly as he continued stroking her.

"Oh, God, Doug, God." She began breathing hard, pressing herself against his hand. When she climaxed, he felt tremendous satisfaction as she trembled and shook and called out his name over and over again, as her hands reached out blindly for him, her body aching for his. He watched her, fascinated by the strength of her orgasm. She opened her eyes to see him and he smiled at her, needing so desperately for her to be happy, to please her this way.

He laid her back, and then settled gingerly between her legs. Her face was full of trust and love, and this heartened him. His eyes never left her, never abandoned her, and he entered her just slightly, enough to feel her tense against him.

"Relax, sweetheart," he encouraged her. Doug began again, pushing against her, gently penetrating her and then he stopped and waited just like that for a while, waited for her to adjust to him, for her body to accept him. As she did, as she smiled, he ventured forth just a little bit more, demanding nothing of her, as patient and loving as ever. A moan escaped him and he closed his eyes, realizing how he'd missed this, missed her. How long had it been since he'd made love, since he'd felt the warmth and softness of Carol's body against his own?

"Carol, you feel good. So good," he whispered, struggling mightily to stay in control.

His face was a study in ecstasy, revealing the pleasure he felt. His whole being was screaming for him to plunge into her, to find the release and the satisfaction that her body had always offered him. To have what he'd willingly denied himself while they were apart. But he would not. Slowly, tenderly, he made love to her, taking nothing from her that she couldn't give.

Doug bent down to nuzzle her breasts, and as she moved away, he shook his head and quietly said, "Don't push me away. Or feel embarrassed. Don't." She closed her eyes and relented, and he kissed her nipples softly, his tongue traced light circles around each one, and then his mouth finally owned them again, surrounding them, tasting the last of the sweetness that had been a part of her.

At once, the words that had been waiting in his heart erupted. "Oh, Carol...I love you. I love you. Tell me you love me," he implored.

She was moved by his plea, and was touched by his tacit uncertainty. "I do love you," she breathed into him. "Doug, I love you."

"Do you still belong to me?" he asked with hopeful eyes looking down at her.

Just as he did on their last night together, he was asking this again. Stroking his back softly, she assured him, "I've always belonged to you."

As she began responding to him, as her hips tentatively met his unhurried rhythm, his body stiffened and she realized he was climaxing. He didn't move, but he held himself still as his face was filled with pained pleasure, as he cried out desperately, more an expression of pure joy than of physical gratification. Wrapping her arms around him, she cherished the moment, relishing the feel of his orgasm. Carol cradled his head, once again enjoying the sensation of his breath against her skin.

He kissed her neck and looked up at her with a contrite expression. "I'm sorry," Doug offered sheepishly, breathing hard. "That wasn't very...I'm...it's just been a while and...."

"Don't apologize." A tear spilled down her cheek and he was concerned.

"What is it, did I hurt you?"

She caressed him, reassuring him. "No, you were fine. You were wonderful. It's been so long, I missed you so much, and I missed making love with you. I missed everything about you." Carol kissed his shoulder. "I never answered you the last time. You asked me if I loved you. If I belonged to you. I never answered you, Doug. That was unforgivable; it was so hurtful of me. I belonged to you then, too." She ran her fingers through his hair and became jealously possessive as her words, her fears began tumbling out of her. "I have always belonged to you. I have always loved you. And then, with you being away, all this time I thought about you out there, you know. You starting over, meeting new people. The other women you'd meet.... I didn't want to think about it, but sometimes...." She was trying very hard not to cry.

"Hey...." Doug held her tenderly. "There's something you should know. That I want you to know."

Here it comes, she thought. Carol braced her heart, afraid he'd unburden his conscience, terrified of what she'd hear. She shook her head, crushed, but he lifted her chin with his hand so she had to face him.

"That whole time, you know, that we were apart, during that time...."

She looked defeated. "What? What about that time?"

His brown eyes looked back at hers with such love and honesty. "I was faithful to you, Carol. I've been faithful. I...there was no one else. I haven't...you know, since we...since I left, since the babies were conceived, I haven't been with...had sex with anyone else." Doug kissed her cheeks. "I haven't been with another woman. I haven't even dated anyone else. I wanted to...to just...I wanted to be true to you."

"Oh, Doug." She burst into tears and he held her, feeling her body shake with sobs. "I love you. I love you."

"I love you, too. Please don't cry. Please don't."

Carol clutched at him, wanting for all the world to rid herself of the hurt and the doubt and the pain." I just...God, I was so scared. I was so sad. I was sure I'd lost you forever."

Hearing this, he was disappointed. "Didn't you know I was in love with you? Did you think that would just stop? That I could stop loving you, Carol?"

"I...no, I knew. I always knew, I was just so afraid."

He warmly wiped her tears from her face. "What were you afraid of? All you had to do was call me back."

She tried to explain things between deep sobs. "No, I was too afraid. Afraid that I'd pushed you away one too many times. That you had met someone else because I told you I didn't want you anymore. I was afraid that I'd ruined my life."

"No, no." He held her tightly, stroking her. "Nothing to be afraid of now. I'm here; I'm not letting you leave without me. Carol, I'd love for you to move here with me. You and the girls. I'll show you around; you can see everything, see if you like it here. If you don't like it, I'll come back Chicago, I'll quit my job and sell the house and I'll come back. I'll go anywhere, live anywhere you want."

"No, I want us to be here. I love it here, because you're here." Carol looked at him. "Can we come with you? Can we go home and get our girls, can you wait until we're packed up and take us with you?"

The sincerity of her plea made him cry. "Please come with me. I want all of my girls with me," he said in a hoarse voice. He pulled the covers up over them and gathered her thick hair into one hand, then whispered, "Let's go get our girls."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know in my heart and mind
That no matter, come what may, love will survive
Love, the author of space and time
Keeps the galaxies and each
Sparrow alive
And the love that heals the wound
After the war is through
Is the knight in armor bright, faithful and true
To you
Darling,
After all...
I will be the one to hold you in my arms.
And after all,
I will the one to hold you
I will be the one to hold you in my arms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end