The Lost Souls Series
Part Two: Dark Rain

By Mike S.

"I close my eyes, and think of home
Another city goes by in the night
Ain't it funny how it is , you never miss it 'til it's gone away
And my heart is lying there and will be 'til my dying day."

-"Wasted Years"
Iron Maiden

"Who am I ?"

-"Les Miserables"
Victor Hugo


I sat there. On the ledge of paradise, I sat there. There I sat, as I waited for her. Who was she?

Who was I?

I didn't know what to do. So, I hid. Not literally. In my soul. I was ashamed, but really, *what could I do*? I was truly lost.

Why didn't I let my feelings for her out. Then, at least she would have known. Maybe I would have known something. Perhaps she felt the same way. Who am I kidding? She probably did.

And now she's elsewhere.

And where do *I* belong? Nowhere. Who am I?

I suppose it all goes back to when Buffy came to Sunnydale. If it weren't for her then - no, that's not the truth.That's just putting the blame on something else. In this case, a person. A girl. A Slayer. She always felt bad because she had no life. At least she was the Slayer. I was nobody. Wasn't even elected Class Clown. Maybe Class Loser would be more efficient. Willow may have always gotten picked on by all the other girls, but she had Oz.Well, she still has Oz. I've never really had anybody. *She* was the only one, but she's gone now.

And I'm alone. So, who am I?

Dark rain has filled the skies for days, and I have been under every single drop of water. I've gone to her grave a million times since her passing a week ago. Still, I have received no closure. And the dreams with her her in it still haunt me. Sadly, they are happy memories, but I want them to disappear, because I don't know if I could can take it anymore.

When I entered high school I was this guy who was the biggest loser in the whole wide world. I still am, but I thought that I had no future. If you saw my family at Thanksgiving or during Christmas you'd know what I'm talking about. Now's there's no hope at all for me. Well, there's some. Very little hope. Hope that is disappearing fast. But, I am forever changed because of who she was and what she meant to me. And, now as I stand here where we used to go, I am still hurting inside. Maybe I should go. I could leave tonight. I got enough for a bus ticket. I got an ATM card, thanks to her. I could make it. I'd get a job. I'd find someone else. I'd *do something*. I could leave this place behind. I *wouldn't* look back. *I swear!*

But, I would still be no one. All I ask is, who am I?

Sad that I have no answer.

I can still smell her hair, and I can still see her beautiful black hair. The emotions of love had always been there, but it was in Junior year when I discovered them and let them out. *God, why didn't I tell her?* Whenever I think of the mistake I made by not telling her, tears fill my eyes and as they fall, they join the dark rain that covers my soul.

It's around one a.m. If Cordelia were alive she'd be heading home right about now. Or, at least that's what she'd say. Who knows where she headed? Perhaps to a place she told me about once. We were laying on the freshly cut grass in the park, staring at the stars, and she told me. It was a place that very few people knew about. It's on the other side of town.

I've been there.

She said she hated being alone, but for some reason she always felt more comfortable by herself.

It's time to head home now. To live another day. Still I sit on this cliff of Utopia wondering if there *is* a future for *me*. The forecast for tomorrow is sunny skies. But, there will always be dark rain for me. Until the day I put a stop to it.

Until the day I run out of hope.