If Only

By Michelle

Disclaimer- I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They belong to 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy. I am using them without permission, however I am not making any money off them so please do not sue me.

Author's Notes- The Buffy I know would not sleep with anyone other than Angel! So I’m changing that little detail. In this story she doesn’t sleep with Parker. If Joss wasn't on acid he’d realise that’s what the real Buffy would do. She’d never sleep with anybody she didn’t love, and she only loves Angel. I know I’m living in a dream world because Joss is the head writer, but I don’t care I’m going to hang on to my delusions. And as long as I can write fanfic I have somewhere I can go to deny what Joss makes them do. So here is a piece of slightly angsty denial fic.

Feedback- Please! Send feedback but no flames.

Distribution- Buffy's Passion, Daydreams of BtVS, and Slay This! have permission, everyone else just ask me first. I'll almost always say yes.

Rating- TV-14

Classification: Buffy/Angel, reflective fic, anst.

Spoilers- The Harsh Light of Day.

“Is this okay with you? We can stop.” Parker asked as they separated for a moment.

Buffy was about to say that she didn’t want to stop when an image flashed in her mind.

A well muscled body, a tattoo of a bird, gentle caresses, tender kisses, and softly said words of love. That was what sex should be, what she had with Angel. Well, except the morning after part.

She knew that if she slept with Parker she’d be betraying all she had with Angel. Especially that night. By sleeping with someone she didn’t love, someone who didn’t love her, she would be making a mockery of what that night had meant. It had been a perfect act of true love between her and the man she loved more than life.

“I can’t.” She said, getting up. “I’m sorry Parker, but......”

“It’s okay.” he said, she smiled and left.

When she got outside she walked around, thinking about Angel. She had done the right thing to not sleep with Parker. She didn’t love him, she never could. She would never be able to love anybody but Angel and she knew it.

She closed her eyes, picturing every detail. She could hear him say those precious words almost as if he were right beside her.

“I love you.” He did, she knew that. It was just that there was so much keeping them apart.

“If only.” She whispered.

But she knew it was useless, they could never be together. Nor could they ever stop loving each other, all they had were memories.

She also knew that she wouldn’t trade all the nights with normal guys like Parker for the memory of that one night with Angel. Because that was the most perfect experience of her life, no matter what happened afterwards.

The act itself could never change, never loose it’s meaning. And until she could experience something that meant as much, she wouldn’t do anything. She wouldn’t sleep with a guy she didn’t love.

No she would wait forever if she had to because there was only guy for her. Angel.

If only.

The End